Focal Dystonia: A Lesson in Acceptance

Humans are meaning-making creatures. When we make meaning out of things, they seem earlier to accept. It feels like we have more control. We we can't make sense of our situations, when we don't have an A + B = C equation, it's difficult. In those situations, we can try and try and kick against the goads, or we can work on acceptance.

I am on a long journey of acceptance with focal dystonia. I chased diagnoses and solutions for so long. I wanted my situation to be fixable, curable. It it was carpal tunnel syndrome, or cubital tunnel syndrome, I could have surgery. If it was nutritional, I could take supplements. If it was neurological, I could take medication. As it stands, the problem is in fact neurological, and I do take medication, but it does not abate the symptoms. It only eases them, slightly, if it is a good day.

I grasp at straws. I wanted to find out what my condition was. I did. I wanted to heal it. I can't. I wanted to understand this condition. I am learning to, as much as anyone else does, but information is limited. I want to make meaning, but I can't. 

I have asked myself if it is my fault that I got focal dystonia. Did I crochet too much? Type too much? Use my hand wrong? Is this a consequence or punishment for bad habits or ways of living? Is my brain not good enough to heal? Am I not good enough to heal? If this is my fault, maybe my condition will make a little more sense.

No one really knows what causes focal dystonia, though, so the point is mute. I have focal dystonia. Unless God does a miracle, or by common grace, allows doctors and scientists to find a miracle cure, I am stuck with this. My choices are to keep looking for answers, to fight it, or just accept it. 

This focal dystonia is a thorn in the flesh. It causes me pain. It limits my activities. In God's sovereignty, though, he has allowed me to have this condition, and allowed it to persist. I can fight God, and fight my condition, or accept it. It's not a one-time acceptance, either, but a constant one, as the condition morphs and changes with times and conditions. 

Oh, this life. I wish it was easy. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I only know the One who does, and am working to accept what he allows me to receive out of his merciful, gracious, loving hands.