When you first get married, you are enamored with your spouse. You want to do everything with them! Life is just so exciting (or at least it was for me). But then real life hits and things get hard. Stressors arise. Illness comes. Events take places. Maturity develops. I think it is normal to start out a little bit enmeshed in marriage, but then differentiation happens. While this is a natural progression, it can still be an uncomfortable one.
After a recent discussion with my therapist about the state of my marriage, I came to the conclusion that marriage at this stage is a lot like velcro. There was a lot of differentiation that happened for us while my husband was in school. We were still pushing towards the same goal, though. Now that he has graduated, ironically, it feels like we are even a little less united. Yes, technically we have more time together, but we are also more fully invested in completely different pursuits: our jobs, our separate friends, my running, etc. Our lives are often parallel, instead of in tandem, like two strips of velcro lying side by side, but not attaching.
When we stick together, we do it well and are strong and secure. We enjoy great time together, like on our recent vacation. When we unhook and unhinge, however, it can feel prickly and rough. There can be a lot of friction. Sometimes we actually need to move further apart to give our selves space and reduce the abrasion we are causing each other.
The beauty of velcro, though, is the ability to reattach. Sticking and unsticking are not one and done. They are repeated processes over the courses of days, weeks, and life. Maybe that's the beauty of marriage at this stage, growing both apart and together, and hopefully in the end, being stronger in our bond in the long run.
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