Real Life Marriage: When Loving Means Letting Go

There's something to the Golden Rule that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Matthew 7:12). The only thing is, showing love is not a matter of just doing for them what we want done for us. I wrote about that recently. Well, I'm still learning a lot about love, and that learning process is not looking exactly like I expected.

I thought that I needed to love my husband how he wanted to be loved. I do need to work at that. I need to always keep working at that. In trying to be attentive to his needs, though, I realized something: loving him often means letting go. I have to let go of what I think love means. I have to let go of my own standards of love. I have to let go of things that are important to me, but may not matter to him (because what's good for me and what says love to me are not the same for him). Sacrificial love is an emptying of my own desires and expectations.

In some ways, loving my husband also means letting him go. It means trusting that he knows himself best and can take care of himself when he says he wants to do things his way. It means letting him do things that he deems good for him, even if those things cause me some discomfort. It means letting him be himself, because I married him to spend my life with him, not make a clone of myself.

Letting go does not mean letting our marriage go, though. In fact, I think that letting go can enrich our marriage. It can build respect. It can built trust. It can build appreciation of our differences. It is just difficult to do.

I promised in my wedding vows to always choose my husband. I promised in my wedding vows to always love my husband. I never dreamed that loving would include letting go, or that letting go would be so painful, though. But hey, who ever said love would be easy?

I Need Purpose.

I need purpose. I think I always have. It has just become more prominent recently. I think it's supposed to be this way.

I enjoy running most when I have a training plan. Whether that plan is building a base or training for a race, it gives me a greater purpose. It helps me run less junk miles, rest when I need to, and push when the plan says to work. It keeps me ready for the next thing.

I like lists. Yes, I do struggle with getting too attached to my measures of productivity, but they also give me purpose. They remind me of what I need to do, and help me celebrate when I accomplish it.

I like working with a purpose. Yes, this makes my work harder, but my heart is also in it. I've had jobs that just got me by, and that is what they did. Believing that my work has a greater impact than me helps it matter more, and helps me work at it more.

I do need rest. Diversion is good, for a little bit. Going with the flow is fun, but only until it isn't. I do like spontaneity, but it has to fall within the scheme of a larger purpose. As J. Oswald Chambers (2007) writes in his book, Spiritual Discipleship, "There is a place for recreation in the life of the disciple: A good test of the validity of our recreation would be this: Will it make me a better and healthier servant and a more effective winner of men?" (p. 121). If rest makes me better, great! If it relieves and releases me for a time so I can come back stronger and more on fire for my purpose, perfect! If I am just endlessly scrolling social media trying to get my head straight, bad. I am losing purpose.

God didn't put people on earth for no reason. In fact, he created man with purpose, to glorify Him. J. Oswald Sanders writes that discipleship is “Learning with the purpose to obey what is learned…a deliberate choice, a definite denial, and a determined obedience” (p. 8). How the world would change if all of us as Christians live this way. How things could change if I lived more and more this way!

I need purpose. I was created to live with purpose. May God continue to show it to me, and may I follow in that way.

Reference:

Sanders, J.O. (2007). Spiritual discipleship: Principles of following Christ for every believer. Moody Publishers.

Another One

Another one, and another one; one more personal, and one more public. Pastors resigning because of inconsistencies in their faith walks. I'm not here to excuse their behavior, nor am I here to judge them. I'm here to say that pastors are people, too. We should pray for them.

Scripture says that pastors are held to a higher standard (James 3:1). Elders are to be "above reproach" (1 Timothy 3:1). There's good precedent for having a plurality of elders at a church. As the saying goes, "power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely," so it is best that no man has full say over a church. Plurality of elders assures accountability. It also means that if one falls, the church remains strong. Many churches practice these things and still, it would seem that pastors are more and more falling from grace. Or are they?

With the increasing connectivity of social media, pastors have more and more opportunities for outreach, more and more scrutiny, and more and more opportunities for sin. Pastors could abstain from social media, but I am not sure that would fix the problem. Pastors are sinners just like the rest of it. Maybe we're just seeing it more with the increased visibility that social media brings.

That brings me to my point again: pastors are people, too. Yes, we should hold them to high account. Yes, we should encourage them to live faithful lives. When they sin, though, we should confront them with love, grace, and support, not ostracize them. As my wise uncle once told me, the church is supposed to be a hospital, not a showcase. It's a hospital for the greatest among us (whether in influence, wealth, power, or something else), and the least among us. Can we give pastors the same grace that we give regular parishioners? Can we give pastors the grace that Jesus gave us when he forgave ALL our sin?

Another one, and another one. And I am another one too: a sinner in need of grace, and a sinner saved by grace. The only difference between my pastor and me is my earthly position. In God's eyes, we're all the same.

Afghan 73

Well, this afghan did not turn out quite like I expected. To be fair, I didn't make it quite like the pattern, either. It was meant to use bulky yarn, and a size N hook. I had regular yarn and a size J hook. It was supposed to be 22 x 28 inches with a border. Mine turned out to be 40 x 51 inches, and I ran out of yarn to do a border. I aimed for Arizona sunrise color based on a color hex I found, but the stores did not have the exact colors, so I used what I could find. All in all, I am happy with this afghan, even if it turned out different. Now, the question is: Do I gift this, or keep it? I think it looks quite nice over the back of our couch, if I do say so myself!

Pattern: Quick and chunky crochet baby blanket pattern from Crafting Every Day

Yarns: Off brand black, Red Heart pumpkin, Red Heart saffron, Crafting Smart butter, and Red Heart turqua

What I Mean When I Say "I'm Overwhelmed"

Someone pointed out recently that I say, "I'm overwhelmed" a lot. I've been thinking about that phrase ever since. Yes, I do say "I'm overwhelmed" a lot. It's my go-to phrase. As such, it's probably come to mean too much.

I say I'm overwhelmed when I am genuinely have so many things to do, I don't know what to do. I say I'm overwhelmed when I am flooded with emotions and I cannot think clearly. I also say it when I am tired and want a break and know I need to push on to get things done. The load feels overwhelming in an emotional way, but in a physical sense, I am not actually overwhelmed. I just mentally want relief and release.

I also say I'm overwhelmed to get attention. I did not realize this until I started analyzing the times I say I am overwhelmed, and who I say it around. I usually only say it around people who are close to me. It's my request for someone to notice me, a request for help. Maybe the help I need is a quiet moment. Maybe the help I need is a hug. Maybe I need someone to share the physical or mental load with me. Maybe I just want to be appreciated. Overall, I just want to not feel overwhelmed.

When I say, "I'm overwhelmed," I really might be so overwhelmed that I don't think I can handle it. That is the true meaning of the word (Dictionary.com, 2012). I also might be saying I don't want to be alone in what I am facing. To be alone facing hard things is truly overwhelming, scary, even, because we were meant to live in community.

I am trying to say, "I'm overwhelmed less," and learn to ask for help more. I'm sure I'll still say it, though. If I say it around you, know it's because I trust you, because I think you might be able to help me. Please don't blow me off. Please listen. I am saying I need you.

Reference:

Dictionary.com. (2012). Overwhelm definition & meaning. Dictionary.com. Retrieved August 31, 2022, from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/overwhelm#:~:text=Overwhelm%20most%20commonly%20means%20to,when%20that%20is%20the%20expectation.

Just For (Granola) Fun...

So I did a thing...I made 52 new granolas this year. My goal was to make one a week. Well, we eat more than one batch of granola a week, so here we are: September, and I've met my goal.

I tried all kinds of granolas-

Some sugary:

Cinnamon roll granola (A Messy Bun Kitchen)

Some with no sugar:

Extra chunky and naturally sweetened granola with walnut (Bless This Mess)

Some with oil:

Homemade granola with flaxseed and chia (Ai Made it For You)

Some with butter:

Super simple homemade granola with chunks (Joyfully Thriving)

Some nutty:

Nutty butterscotch granola (Girl Gone Gourmet)

Some with no nuts:

Nut free granola (Lynn's Kitchen Adventures) 

Pretty much all of them required the oven, which was not my preference given the hot temperatures of Arizona, but it worked. 

I made lots with cinnamon:

Cinnamon roll granola (Salted Plains)

And several with peanut butter:

Peanut butter and jelly granola (Averie Cooks)

Chocolate appeared a lot of times:

Chocolate pumpkin granola (Family Food on the Table) 

Even Reese's!

Reese's pieces granola (The Wanna Be Chef)

It's fun to switch things up for a time. With grocery prices and time constraints, it's probably back to my normal super simple granola, though. Gourmet is good, but sometimes you need simple to allow time to have fun and prioritize other things in life.

Empty-Handed

I went shopping at the mall recently, for the first time in a long time. I hoped to find a new outfit to celebrate something important in my life. Well, it was a total and utter disaster. Most of the clothes I found cost way more than I wanted to spend. The clothes that were affordable looked terrible on me. I came away completely empty-handed, feeling very disappointed.

As I walked away from that night, I realized several things. I realized that I was discontent. I had clothes in my closet that I could wear. I just wanted new ones. I realized that I was looking to clothes to feel confident. Clothes couldn't give me confidence. I can only find confidence from my identity in Christ, and being clothed in his righteousness.

I came away empty-handed from my clothes shopping, but I learned something. I learned that I had an idol I needed to lay down. I remembered once again that things can't make me happy, or healthy, or whole. Those things only come from my Savior. Getting head knowledge down to my heart is a lifelong work, but maybe, just maybe this experience helped make a little forward progress, and the more my heart fills, the less distress I will feel when I come up empty-handed. To God be the glory. Amen.