Everything I Read in March

Remember my February reading struggles? Well, I am not sure I fully overcame them. I did go on a trip during which I read four books, so I guess I am "on track." Here are reviews of my March reads:

20) Grace, Under Pressure: A Girl with Asperger’s and Her Marathon Mom by Sophie Walker—I expected this book to be more about running a marathon. It was, just not as much about physical running, but about the marathon to get her daughter diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Sophie Walker knew her daughter was different, but it took years to get her diagnosed, and then a Statement of Educational Needs (required for support services in the UK). Along the way, Walker started running, eventually running the London Marathon to raise money for autism research. Despite being more about autism than running, I enjoyed this book and its true story of resilience and purpose, in spite of, and even in cooperation with special needs.

21) The I Quit Sugar Cookbook: 306 Recipes for a Clean, Healthy Life by Sarah Wilson—Sarah Wilson wrote a book about quitting sugar. This book rides on that one's coattails, but it is really not about sugar. It is about sustainability—eating healthfully and wholefully and using the scraps. This is really a beautiful cookbook, inside and out. While I do not subscribe to quitting sugar, eating organ meats, or the practice of Ayurveda, this cookbook has a lot of great, simple recipes for whole food cooking, making meals from mishmash, and even an entire section on home fermentation. I might not cook this book, but it has enough recipe possibilities that I would put it on my healthy life cookbook list.

22) Undercover Marriage by Terri Reed—Josh McCall and Serena Summers are enemies, and partners as US Marshalls. Or maybe they aren’t enemies. They used to be friends, that is until Serena’s brother Daniel, Josh’s partner, died, and Serena blamed Josh. Now they have to pretend to be closer than ever—married—in order to go undercover and bust a child kidnapping ring. This book was an easy and quick read, with just enough suspense, some romance, and a good chunk of faith. I read it in a little over a day and thoroughly enjoyed it. The discussion questions at the end reminded me of the consistency of God at all times, even undercover.

23) Staying True by Jenny Sanford—This is Jenny Sanford’s story, from shortly before she met Mark Sanford, to shortly after she divorced him due to his, she would later learn, repeated infidelities. I wanted this to be a story of redemption. I hadn’t heard this story in the news and wanted the Sanfords to stay true to their vows. Sadly, Mark did not. The book, therefore, is about Jenny staying true to her Catholic faith, her sons, and herself. There are some redeeming qualities of this book, but overall, it is a sad read.

24) How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen: And Listen So Your Husband Will Talk by Rick Johnson—I expected this book to share communication strategies. It really didn’t. Written by a man, it was more about the differences between men and women, and how women can use their influence on their husbands for good. Johnson stresses a husband’s need for support, and emphasizes how a woman’s criticism can keep a husband from godly leadership. Nothing too earth-shattering here, but maybe that’s the point? Women need to simplify their talk so their husbands will listen?

25) The Marriage Wish by Dee Henderson—Henderson’s first published book, this is a story about bachelor Scott Williams and widowed author Jennifer St. James. Scott meets Jennifer on the beach, but it takes him months for her to allow him to meet and join in her grief. Scott wishes for marriage and a family, but is Jennifer ready? This is a touching, poignant, and at times, heart-wrenching novel, but also one with a lot of redemptive beauty amidst its twists and turns. It even introduces adoption and foster care, which based on Henderson’s later books, seem to be passions of hers. This is a good book, but if you’re wishing for a read that’s easy on the heart, this isn’t it.

26) DBT Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Kids and Caregivers by Carol Lozier (3/7/23)—This is a good book in that it breaks down DBT skills for kids. I would disagree that skills are for ages 6-12. Some of these concepts seem very advanced, even for 12 year-olds. Still, I think there are some useful things here. I will be using the workbook to provide DBT-informed therapy, as I am not officially DBT trained.

27) Happy Habits for Every Couple by Roger and Kathi Lipp—This book contains 21 days worth of challenges to improve readers’ marriages. With scripture, prayer, personal anecdotes and commentary, this is a well-balanced read. The challenges are not all about husbands or wives, either. Some are specific to one partner. Others encourage a group effort. Doing the book’s activities 21 days in a row might be a challenge, but readers can certainly find some new happy habits in the book, whether or not they do the challenges as written.

28) God’s Gift by Dee Henderson—Another romance by Dee Henderson, this follows the story of missionary James Graham as he returns home to a life he did not want. He plans to return to Africa, but God has other plans, plans to give him a gift in the form of a relationship with Rachel Ashcroft, but not in the form James expects. This book starts and ends a little abruptly. It does cause readers to ponder gifts from God, though, especially when they come in unwelcome packages. It also highlights the sacrificial nature of love. Different from Henderson's suspense novels, this is a poignant read, especially for readers who may be seeking love later in life.

29) The Vow by Kim and Krickitt Carpenter—Kim and Krickitt Carpenter got into a deadly accident weeks after their marriage. Both survived, but not without severe damage, brain damage for Krickitt. Her husband Kim decided to keep his marriage vows, and helped nurse Krickitt back to health, first via the programs at Barrow Neurological Institute in Arizona, and then at home. It wasn't easy. Krickitt did not remember their wedding. She had mood swings. She was not a wife for a time. Eventually, after resigning his job and committing to his own psychotherapy, Kim learned about dating his wife to make new memories. They also got married again and grew to notoriety. Spoiler alert: This is a great story, until researching where the Carpenters are now. Let's just say, after all they have been through, are now divorced. I found this out halfway through the book and it left a sour taste in my mouth. I would not recommend this book simply for this fact. It seems disingenuous to emphasize the importance of a vow that has now not been kept.

30) The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference by Shaunti Feldhahn—This was not a life-shattering read, but it was a practical one. In it, Feldhahn shares twelve “secret” habits of the highly happy married couples she studied. The habits are not rocket science. They are simple, practical, and based in appreciation, gratitude, and faith. The emphasis on appreciation hit me most, not that I do not appreciate my husband, but that I need to do it more, out loud, both in front of him and not. Feldhahn does not suggest trying to start all the habits she chronicles. She suggests trying one or two and seeing how it goes. I think appreciation will be mine.

31) The Ultimate Muffin Book by Bruce Weinstein and Harry Scarbrough—A good muffin recipe books here, with both sweet and savory muffins. The authors write a helpful introduction and tips for making muffins, then share base recipes with dozens of variations. They have low-fat and even gluten free versions. If you’re into muffins, this might be the book for you!

32) All My Knotted Up Life: A Memoir by Beth Moore (3/25/23)—I have not read all of Moore's books by any means, but I would say this is a “must read.” Written in her signature dialect along with painfully beautiful prose, Moore shares her upbringing in country Arkansas, journey to faith, failures in the faith, ministry, marriage, and so much more. She asserts, ever, that God is in control, on the throne, and in charge of her life. Knotted up or unknotted, He is the anchor that holds.

33) Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa TerKeurst (3/27/23)—This is the story of TerKeurst’s decision to end her marriage (which she details very tactfully, really without detail), as well as an exploration of boundaries from a Christian perspective. TerKeurst includes tips from her therapist, Jim Cress, as well as other therapeutic professionals. She offers a, “Now, Let’s Live This…” application section for each chapter. The end of the book explores commonly misused scriptures about boundaries. I am honestly still note sure if I agree with everything in the book, but I appreciated her decision of boundaries as protecting the good, so as not to become bitter and resentful and unable to serve as God intends. I am pondering that, even as I process the rest of the content.

34) The Meaning of Marriage: Facing that Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God by Timothy Keller with Kathy Keller (3/30/23)—This is a solid book, challenging Christians to live out gospel-centered marriages. With a mix of personal story, professional experience, and sound research, the Kellers share about the power of marriage in the process of sanctification, the grace needed for and in marriage, and more. They include a chapter about dating, making this book useful even for the single person who might be desiring marriage. “Marriage was designed to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Christ Jesus Christ,” the Kellers write in the introduction. Read this book to find more about the gospel meaning of marriage and how to reflect God and His glory through it.

Heart Talk

Just for fun this month, I made a heart pillow. The pattern creator remarked that she did not know what to write on her pillows. I don't either. I polled my husband, and he has ideas, but I have yet to carry those out. I intend to use throw the pillow in our living room somewhere, but where exactly remains to be seen. Basically, this has become a conversation project for our home.

Overall, this was a very easy, beginner pattern from Once Upon a Cheerio that just required some stitch counting. I especially liked that I could crochet the pieces together (rather than sewing). I used my size J Boye ergonomic crochet hook and Red Heart acrylic pink yarn. All things considered, I am very happy with how this turned out!

San Diego Sights

We made a quick trip to San Diego, California this weekend. We went for a wedding, but saw a few sights along the way:

Beautiful desert wildflowers

Sand dunes 

Coronado Island

Coronado Beach

Hotel del Coronado

Bird of paradise flowers

Imperial Beach Pier

Sunset

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Isn't God's creation beautiful? Our trip to San Diego was quick this time, but we'd like to go back. For any natives or frequent visitors, what should be plan to see next time?

Best (Non-Christian) Marriage Books

There are lots of good marriage books out there. In general, I prefer to read Christian books because I believe that God designed marriage, and that a Christian perspective is needed to understand marriage and live it out God's way. There have been a few non-Christian books that have greatly affected my marriage, however. This is that list.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller—Probably the most insightful book I have read about relationships yet, this book covers the many facets of adult attachment and how they play out in partnered relationships. Written by two Israeli-Americans, a psychiatrist and a therapist, this book shared research is understandable and applicable ways. The authors state that humans are biologically wired for attachment, and “dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference." The authors clearly define secure and insecure (anxious and avoidant) attachment types and give case studies on how these dynamics play out. From this book, I learned that anxious types engage in protest behaviors when attachment feels threatened, while avoidant types engage in disengagement strategies when closeness feels threatening. Ironically, anxious and avoidant types often get together, wreaking havoc in the long run, if couples do not work on it. Thankfully, “attachment styles are stable, but plastic.” The authors provide ways to both assess and address insecurity through self-assessment, self-reflection, and then effective communication with one’s partner. Knowing yourself and communicating needs for connection or space can do wonders at quieting protest or detachment behaviors. “Remain true to your authentic self,” the authors conclude. “Playing games will only distance you from your goal of finding true happiness.” Every person will be attached. The questions are to whom, and how that will happen.

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky–It’s the book women everywhere are taking about, especially moms. It seems like it might be pro-feminist, but it’s really not. It’s not about equality, either. It’s about equity, and valuing male and female time equally in a committed marriage. Rodsky is about making marriage better, not just evening the playing field. Rodsky has a system of 100 cards/tasks to balance in a family. (Not all have to be played.) What struck me most was the idea that partners need to divide tasks and each conceive, plan, and execute their entire task. This relieves mental load and eliminates “both traps” where two people try to do the same thing, and random assignment of tasks (RATs) that can lead to nagging and bitterness. She also talked about establishing a “minimum standard of care” so that partners understand what is needed, at minimum, to call each task done. Rodsky writes with a blend of personal anecdotes, research, and stories she’s gleaned from families all over. Overall, she is encouraging families to live well, together, something which at least Americans could do more.

Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing that Relationship You Have into the One You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt—While I didn’t agree with absolutely everything in this book, there is a lot of practical, helpful stuff here. The authors write extensively about childhood wounds, and how they affect marriage. They also talk about communication styles and how "imcompatability is grounds for marriage," and good marriage at that. Some of the exercises listed here seem repetitive and rote, but if practiced, I think they could actually work. The authors make a strong case for marriage, and make it seem possible to achieve a strong marriage. It's not rocket science, just commitment and work!

The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too) by Gretchen Rubin—Simple in theory, but revolutionary in application, this book goes into motivations and the expectations that affect action. The Upholder meets inner and outer expectations. The Questioner meets inner expectations. The Obliger meets outer expectations. The Rebel rejects them all. This tendency framework is probably to this era what the Meyers-Briggs was when it came out. It suggests responding to people differently according to their tendency (for example giving justification to the Questioner and cause, effect, and choice to the Rebel) and even motivating the self differently (eg Obliger tying tasks to people). My best friend suggested that I read this book to help me better understand my spouse, and man has it! No use fighting my husband's tendency or trying to motivate him the way I am motivated. This is a book that really respects people as individuals, and it is written so that almost anyone could benefit from it (probably because Rubin catered to all four tendencies). I highly recommend it!

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver—This may be one of Gottman’s best books yet! Based on empirical research, but made extremely practical through questionnaires and exercises contained in the book, these principles for making marriage work, and work well, are accessible to everyone! This book reinforced to me the importance of softened start-ups, accepting a spouse and treating them with love no matter their differences, and acknowledging dreams, even if they are not feasible. The book ends with the “Magic Five Hours” that keep marriages strong. Couples can easily invest five hours a week in their relationships, Gottman asserts, through rituals about partings, reunions, admiration and appreciation, affection, and a two hour weekly date. Marriage takes work, but it is doable work, and the positive benefits for health, relationships, and beyond are well worth the investment!
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Readers, do you have any great marriage books to share? Please post in the comments.

When the Right Thing to Do is Let Go

We had a little miscommunication, not really a spat, just something that I thought one way about and he thought the other. I woke up scared. I woke up hurt. To be honest, I woke up angry, scheming about ways I could make him feel the same hurt I felt. Was it right? No, but that's the honest truth.

God had already convicted me that I needed to show grace. Intentioned or not, the way not win my husband back was not to mete out judgment, yet that was what I wanted to do. I read about not judging in my Bible reading, but still, I seethed. I had a long talk with God on my run that morning. I told him I didn't want to show grace, that I might now how, but not have the want. And he told me again and again, I just had to do it.

Somehow, by God's grace (and maybe because the long run sapped up a lot of my energy), I managed to keep my mouth shut. I briefly told my husband how I felt, and then tried to continue to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to bring up the issue so, so many times, but for what? To rub it is his face? To get resolution? I knew that was not going to happen. We just saw the situation different ways.

So I just kept going. I did my morning activities. I engaged in our weekly life conversation. I asked him to go on a date with me, just as I had planned to do before this whole thing. It felt like I was shoving something under the rug, but it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it.

Somewhere in the shopping and the lunching and the rest of the day, I realized that we were carrying on like normal. As the day neared its end, he asked to watch a movie with me, something I enjoy doing, but hadn't even considered. And as the day ended, I savored it. It had been a really lovely day.

As I went to bed, I heard the still small voice say, "Letting go let you have this day. Holding on would have done nothing."

Not all conflicts can be let go. Some situations require discussion and resolution. Sometimes, though, I just have to let go. I have to choose not to let a conflict ruin a day. I did, and it was a beautiful day, a glorious day. Praise God for that!

Favorite Marriage Podcasts

Marriage is ever a work in progress, and I constantly need help, encouragement, and support. Enter marriage podcasts. I found the first one during a moment of desperation, and since then have added a few more to my repertoire. While I do not listen to every episode every week, these three podcasts regularly provide solid wisdom for my relationships:

Fierce Marriage: from Ryan and Selena Frederick (who also have a Fierce Parenting podcast), these episodes cover a gamut of marriage topics. The Fredericks purposefully include scripture and personal stories along with their content.

Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast: short clips from longer talks with commentary by Dr. Greg Smalley and his wife Erin before and after. (My only caveat with this podcast is that the episode titles are sometimes misleading when it comes to the episode content.)

Marriage After God: similar to Fierce Marriage, but from Aaron and Jennifer Smith, who approach their content with a slightly different flavor. Aaron and Jennifer like to have fun and incorporate that lightheartedness into their episodes, even ones that cover more deep and serious topics.

And there you have it, my short, sweet list of resources that can fuel marriage growth in profound ways.

Loving Him by Loving HIM

Trying to figure out how to love my husband well is, well, exhausting. After learning that the way I love him isn't the way he wants love, I had to let go of a lot. While letting go, I tried to monitor even more closely my husband's needs and desires so that I could try to meet them. Well, I had to let go of that, too. It caused me to be exhausted, anxious, and testy, not a good wife! I had to find another way, not a way to disregard my husband's needs, but to do what was right and honor them, while not hovering, or even becoming codependent.

I really just can't meet my husband's needs perfectly. It's part of sin. It's part of my curse. And sometimes I have to show love in ways that feel unloving, but also necessary because of my love for God (e.g. confronting my husband about something). It's just so hard.

I've realized though, that I have one help: the Holy Spirit. That may be a, "Duh" for a lot of people who call themselves Christ-followers, but it something I forget time and time again. I don't have to do this alone. I have a helper.

The best way I can love my husband is to listen to the Holy Spirit. The best way I can love my husband is to love God. God is ultimate love. He is a supremely better teacher than experience or paying close attention, or books, or therapy, or anything else.

John Piper (1995) wrote a poem called, "Love Her More and Love Her Less" for his son on his son's wedding day. I am changing the pronouns here to reflect loving my husband, as I really can't say it any better:

The greatest gift you give your [husband]
Is loving God above [his] life.
And thus I bid you now to bless:
Go love [him] more by loving less.

I love my husband. Really, I love him! I want to keep learning to love him better and better. More than that, love, I need to want to learn to love God better and better. Loving Him is the best way to love and serve my husband in the best ways.

Reference:

Piper, J. (1995, May 29). Love her more and love her less. Desiring God. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/love-her-more-and-love-her-less

Real Life Marriage: Let Him Dream.

"I learned to let him dream," my mom told me. I listened as she shared what she learned in her Love and Respect group at church. I didn't quite understand at the time, but somehow, I filed that comment away. Now that I am married, I understand more of what she meant.

My husband, just like my dad, is a perceiver. He likes to think, and talk, about possibilities. Many times, he has no intent of doing anything with his knowledge. He just likes to share. Really, it is an honor that he shares. He shares because this is part of his life. He shares because he can trust me.

I can tend to get all bent out of shape when he shares, especially when he shares about things that are beyond our reach. How would we ever afford that gadget, or that vacation? Where in the world would we find time to do that hobby? The thing is that he often doesn't intend to do those things. I'm over-reacting to him sharing. And you know what? That spoils the moment.

My husband supports my dreams (most of them having to do with running). Sure, as a judging personality, I rarely reach for big things. I want concrete goals. But still, he's the one getting up ridiculously early in the morning to drive me to races, carting my things around, etc. He puts up with my silly celebrations and random cooking projects. If he supports me, I can surely support him!

Supporting my husband's dreams most of the time just means listening, putting down what I'm doing to really hear him out. Most of the time, that's what he wants. Sometimes, yes, he asks for resources, but that is few and far between, and he respects our budget. I am thankful for that.

"Let him dream," my mom said. Yep, let him dream. It's part of marriage (at least my marriage). It's part of being a supportive wife. It's part of moving towards my "dream" of having a more satisfying, fulfilling, faithful, God-honoring marriage.

Fresh 15K Race-Cation

My longest run since my half-marathon-done! And a visit with family/vacation to boot. This was such a great experience overall.

Background

I ran the Fresh 15 5K with my brother and sister-in-law five years ago. The race, put on by the grocery chain Brookshire's, benefitted local charities. My brother had run it before, and they invited me to come run it, so I did. Some friends of my brothers ran the 15K that year, and at the time, the 15K distance seemed outrageous. Several 10Ks later, it didn't seem quite so daunting. I actually registered for the race a full year in advance, having gotten the e-mail about the tenth running of the event and finding that the date worked well for our 2023 schedule. Plus, with only a $45 race fee and all proceeds going to worthwhile causes, it seemed like a good donation if I could not run.

I trained for the race using Hal Higdon's Novice 15K plan. I did some longer runs earlier on, as well as speed workouts as I prepared for my 10K the month prior. Into the actual plan, I hardly ever did the strength training on the two mile day, though. I also tried to keep up with my mile a day run streak. Overall, it worked. I definitely had some niggles (plantar fasciitis and knee pain), but those mostly went away. There was a lot of illness around me, however, from stomach flu that my husband got a few weeks prior to the race, to tons of respiratory bugs. I really feared getting sick. Thankfully, the Lord kept me healthy!

Race Weekend

We flew into Dallas, Texas the Friday before the race, and went straight to pack-up pickup in Tyler. Talk about swag! This was the tenth anniversary race, but I got a blender/water bottle, a lightweight windbreaker, a t-shirt, a running belt/fanny pack, and a blanket. Can't complain there! We spent the afternoon with family, and I tried to get to bed early. I intended to try to do more of a carb load, but in the end due to travel and personal comfort, I ate mostly like normal, with a few extra carbs here and there. My brother and sister-in-law kindly put us up in a hotel, which probably helped me sleep well. It was quiet, clean, and comfortable, all of which helped!

Before the Race

I got up at 4:30 am, just so I would have time to ease into the day. We left at 5:30 am, and my husband dropped me off around 6 am. We did encounter a few road closures along the way, so I am glad we got there. About an hour before start time, I ate my banana and drank 8 oz of water. It was COLD, so I stood inside the grocery store to stay warm. That's not what I was probably supposed to do, but no one kicked me, or the other runners with me out, so it worked.

I ran a five minute warm-up around 6:30 am and got in my corral around 6:45 am. This is a well-organized race, with corral line-ups by pace. I got in the 9:00 minute per mile corral. No way was I going out with the elites who made course records in the 42 minute range last year.

Race Plan

My plan was to go out evenly paced, keeping before the 1:25 pacer, if I could. I have read from other bloggers that the pace groups get crowded, so I wanted to stay ahead of them. My A goal was to finish the race healthy (which meant I have to pre-hydrate and pre-fuel, as well as take fuel on the run, things I don't love doing). My B goal was to finish under 1:30 (possible if I stayed ahead of that 1:25 pacer), and C (my stretch goal), finish with a 8:30-9:29/ mile pace (faster than my half-marathon). The calculators said I could get in the 1:18 range if I tried, but that seemed a stretch.

The Actual Race

The weather was gorgeous, in the mid forties to start, warming up as the sun rose. I wore a t-shirt, arm sleeves, and gloves, taking off the gloves for the last few miles. I seriously could not ask for better weather.

The race started with prayer, something I really appreciated. Then they let wave one go. That was a little weird, as we all started running, and then they stopped us for wave two. No big deal. We got going a minute or so later.

The first few miles felt easy. There were drum lines along the first part of the route, and just random people out to give high fives-so fun (though I did see one runner trip and fall on the edge of the road as the runner was getting high fives)! I heard the 1:25 pacer talk about rolling hills, so I tried to hold back a little. I also knew I had a long way to go, longer than I had ever run in training.

I felt so good around mile four that I considered not taking my fuel. (I tried using Plum Organics peach, banana, and apricot baby food for long runs this time, and it seemed to work.) I knew I would eventually bonk, though, so I took it. I also got about half of a 8 oz water bottle from aid stations at two various points.

My legs did burn a little on a few of the hills, but overall, they did okay. At some point, between miles 4 and 6, I think. I realized I was close to the 1:20 group and tried to pass them. I eventually did! That felt good. From there, I just tried to stay ahead of them. I did not push myself, but I tried to keep going.

Did I say that the crowds were great? There were people with signs and cheers all along the route. And more live music. And some families put out tables of their own and gave out water in their neighborhoods. So sweet!

The last part of the race is uphill. It's not great. I tried to power up, but just did what I could. I thought I might have a steeper hill, but was still holding back. As I rounded the curve, I saw my family. I had been thinking about their signs (shown to be the night before) and smiled when I saw them. Then the final push. I didn't have much left, so I just finished. I did not feel nauseous or anything, though. In fact, I felt good! I had knee pain for the last 5K or so of my half-marathon, but not much this time (though some the day after). Yeah!

The Finish

I finished in 1:19:08, only a little bit off the 1:18:17 Run Hive race predictor. I was stoked! I had family and friend activities afterward, so feeling great was an added bonus. I did walk around the post-run expo a little bit, but it was packed, so I got lip balm (which I needed) and left. Watching the Lil' Freshie 1K was fun, as was the park I went to with my loved ones. We went out for lunch, and then I crashed for a nap. A great day!

I ran my mile a day Sunday. My knee hurt a little, so I took it easy. Hopefully all will be well. I do know now that I am well of soul and so, so satisfied to have this done. Really, this race was a yeah, God weekend, as it has been so long in coming. So thank you, God, for this weekend!

In a Worldly Sense, Marriage Doesn't Make Much Sense.

My husband and I discuss the demands of marriage on a fairly frequent basis. Life isn't just about us any more. When I was single, I just had to work. When I came home, I didn't have to do much. Now, on my best days after work, I need to come home, check in with my husband, make dinner, do chores, and spend quality time with the man I married. On my worst days, there is stuff that needs to be done and another person in the house. Yeah sure, I was lonely when I was single, but there certainly wasn't so much to do.

The brain drain of marriage is real, too. When I was single, I made decisions. Now, on my best days, I need to consider my husband's needs, possibly check in with him, and then make the decision. On my worst days, I need to deal with the fallout of how my decisions affected him, and our marriage.

My priorities are divided now. I want to do well at work, but I want to do well at home. Doing well at both, at least right now, seems to be mutually exclusive.

There's a lot written about fairness in marriage (eg Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, 2019), but marriage really isn't fair. In a godly marriage, it's about submission (Horn, 2013). And that's getting to my point: In a self-centered, worldly sense, marriage doesn't really make sense.

Marriage does have some earthly benefits: partnership, sharing expenses, sharing child-reading duties, tax breaks (in America). But do those really make up for all the hard work of living with another person? Isn't easier to just pick and choose relationships and not commit? (I mean, there is some research that attachment makes for better relationships, and children do best in two-parent homes, but still these aren't totally self-focused goals.) Godly marriage isn't like that. It's about self-sacrifice. It's about sanctification. But that isn't easy, and it doesn't necessarily yield earthly gains. And that's my point. I'm not sure marriage is worth it from a worldly perspective. It's only worth it if I consider God's plan, purpose, and glory.

Plenty of people make it in marriages without God. I am not sure how, though. I know that God is crucial to the keeping of my marriage. What the Bible tells me about marriage is absolutely necessary for my making sense of my life as a wife. To those who make marriage work without God kudos, but maybe consider including him. Given that his power is infinite, it really makes a lot of sense!

References:

Horn, S. (2013). My so-called life as a submissive wife: A one-year experiment...and its liberating results. Harvest House Publishers.

Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G.P. Putnam's Sons.