Control and Influence in Marriage

It's not a secret that I struggle with control. I think it's part of sin nature. It's part of struggling with anxiety, and being a perfectionist. I want control, and I don't. I want to control money, time, etc. I want the feelings of safety that I think control over these things will bring me, but not the responsibility. Lately, I have realized that I want control over my husband, but don't want his role as leader of our home. It's a dicey situation.

I never consciously realized that I was wanting to control my husband until I read a devotional that really hit me. The author writes, "marriage is a partnership and not about finding ways to control each other" (Chamberlain, 2022, p. 34). I always try to give my husband choices when I ask him to do things, but the reality is that I often want him to do the things my way. Sometimes, I might even get a little passive aggressive in the ways that I try to motivate him to do things my way. Yikes! Do I see myself as a partner, or as a controller?

I have come to the conclusion that I have no control over my marriage. My husband is my husband and he controls himself. He is accountable to God for Himself (just as I am), and for us as a couple. That is a part of control that I do not want. God does not want me to control my husband, either. He wants me to "surrender my marriage to him....Instead of fighting for control, it's time to lay [marriage] at the feet of Jesus" (Chamberlain, 2022, p. 35). Hard but good words.

Does this mean I absolutely have no care for what my husband does? No. I may not have control, but as a wife, God has given me influence. As Todd Henry (n.d.) writes, "influence is about care, but control is about self-interest." I do care for my husband. I love him. I want good things for him. I need to care for him, not try to control him if this is the case, though. Similarly, Dr. Mike Brooks (2006) writes that "our leverage to influence others is directly proportional to how positive our relationship is with them." Control lead to conflict. Influence leads to having a voice, and perhaps even receiving a listening ear. That is the best I can ask for since control is but an illusion.

I must confess that I have not completely moved away from my attempts to control my husband. Unfortunately, a lot of them are learned habits. Now that I am aware of this area for growth in my life, though, I can work on it. I can surrender my husband to Jesus and trust Jesus to work on and TAKE CARE of my husband...and me for that matter. To God be the glory!

References:

Brooks, M. (2006, September 4). Control vs. influence. Dr. Mike Brooks. https://www.drmikebrooks.com/control-vs-influence/ Chamberlain, T. (2022). A Christian marriage book – 52-week devotional for wives: Prayers and reflections for a God-centered marriage. Rockridge Press.

Henry, T. (n.d.) Aim for influence, not control. Accidental Creative. https://accidentalcreative.com/articles/leadership/aim-for-influence-not-control/