A Mile In His Shoes

People often cite the old adage "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes" to encourage the practice of empathy. Sometimes, though, people practice the inverse: judging a person because they have lived through what they think is a similar circumstance. Spoiler alert: we are all unique. None of us can actually understand exactly what another person goes through.

We should practice empathy for others. While we may not have even experienced the same circumstances as another person, as humans, we can still relate to the emotions others experience: joy, elation, sadness, grief, anger, etc. We can understand how those emotions can impact us. We can review how those emotions have impacted others around us. We can treat others with grace, mercy, and compassion as a result.

Sometimes we have experienced circumstances with the same name as those of another: cancer, marriage, divorce, death, etc. This can lead us to believe that we know what that person is going through. We can want to give advice as a result. No, we do not really know what that person is going through, though. We know what going through that circumstance was like for us. Another person's experience of that same experience may, in fact, be very different from our own.

How should this change our approach to others sharing in sufferings or joys similar to ours? Possibly we should back away from advice giving and judgment. People undergoing intense emotion often do not need more feedback. They need grace. They need love. They need people to identify that what they are going through is a lot, is difficult, is overwhelming. They need people to understand the nature of their struggle and provide support, not provide judgement or feedback. If people need advice, they will generally ask for it. 

Most of us as humans have walked some difficult miles. Those miles have taught us lessons, often hard-won lessons. Let's not waste those! Cherish them. Treasure them. Steward them. Consider carefully before enforcing those lessons on others, though. Consider offering love, care, support, encouragement. If really prompted to share, maybe ask the person for permission first. That feels far more understanding and far more loving than simply throwing advice at people. Many people are wading in seas of advice. They don't need more. What they need is to see the footprints of another person who made his or her way out. Maybe that person is you!