I recognized that I needed to amp up my self-care when I started my new job. So I began looking for and pinning self-care challenges. I did one in June and another one in July. A few days ago, I deleted the rest of them from my Pinterest board, however. Why? I'm tired. Too tired to commit to another challenge.
I can complicate almost anything, and I've done it with self-care, too. I've made completion of the self-care challenges an item on my "to-do" list, rather than using them as opportunities to rest and take care of myself. To be honest, completing the self-care challenge has made my days more stressful at times (like when I needed to run on a rainy day or buy flowers when I didn't have time to stop at the store).
One day, I got rebellious and didn't complete the daily challenge. I sat on the floor of my room and scrolled through my social media accounts instead. Shauna Niequiest talks about wasting time in Present Over Perfect, and this was a precise example of that. Scrolling social media was also my version of play, which Brene Brown mentions as important in The Gifts of Imperfection. Engaging in play over productivity felt SO good.
As I listen more to my body and try to live more intuitively and authentically, I'm realizing that self-care for me is less about self-love, and more about self-compassion. Practically, it's about accepting when my body is hungry, tired, or scared. It's about accepting when my mind won't work or just doesn't want to be productive. It's about stopping and resting.
Am I abandoning self-care or not doing the things I need to do to remain healthy? No. I'm just focusing more on self-acceptance and self-compassion. I'm resting more and doing less. This is the only kind of self-care that will yield the kind of renewal and growth that I need.
I read a lot: blogs, books, signs, cereal boxes, you name it. It's a hobby, I guess? Lately, the topic of intuitive living has crossed my path more times than once. (See "How Eating Intuitively Helped Me Live More Intuitively" by Alexis Joseph, "How Intuitive Eating Changed My Life" by Kara Lydon, and "Movement vs. Exercise" by Robyn Nohling.) Then I read this in Present Over Perfect:
The fact that numbing becomes a lifestyle hit me. I realized that numbing is the way I've been living my life, not intentionally, maybe not even purposefully. Numbing is a coping tool, a way of surviving, a way of getting through. But it's not a way of thriving.
Some of you might remember my birthday goals post from May and how I wanted to improve my life by eating satisfying foods, sleeping better, and moving in ways that feel good. The purpose of those goals was to learn to love myself and my life better. I'm realizing now that those goals were signs of me wanting to know myself, to really live out and engage in life. Somehow, I've just been going through the motions.
I've had moments of joy and excitement and fun this past year, but it's also been a hard year, one of not knowing myself or where I fit, one of struggle, one of new (and to be honest, scary) opportunities. I've spent a lot of time trying to live up to the expectations of others and of myself.
I've been living completely by myself these past two weeks, staying in a hotel for work training. The first few days of that experience were rough, but then I started asking myself, "What do I need to get through this day?" and I tried to give that thing to myself without judgment. Doing so often meant sacrificing money, or time, or my own ideals about life. But you know what? I did better. I was more present. I felt more like myself. I felt a lot, to be honest: emotions, pain, bodily sensations, etc. But I realized that I wanted to live more of life this way, to embrace the joys and the struggles of life, to be me, and not the ideal self that others or my own self wants me to be.
Have I got this authentic living thing figured out? By all means, no! I'm just on the cusp of the journey. But I want to work this thing out. I want to be myself and let opinions and judgments and obsessions and compulsions go. And I want that for other people, too, to get rid of labels, to live truly and with integrity, to relate to others in real ways. Living authentically is going to be painful, but I'm choosing to embrace that in hopes of more fully embracing the joys in life that are to come.
