Self-Control and Self-Care: Not Mutually Exclusive

I have heard several things about how self-control is punitive and that what we need instead is self-care. I don't think self-control and self-care have to be mutually exclusive, though. Sometimes I think that we have to practice self-control (a fruit of the Spirit) to have appropriate self-care. Maybe the issue lies within definition of the terms.

What is self-control? According to the Bible, it is part of the fruit of the Spirit, demonstration that the Holy Spirit lives within a person and controls the person (Gal 5:23). The Greek Word here refers to mastery of desires and passions, that is, saying , "No" to the wrong, and "Yes" to the right. (Blue Letter Bible, n.d.). Psychology defines self-control simply as "the ability to manage one's impulses, emotions, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals" (Psychology Today Staff, n.d.). There is less moral distinction here, stating that self-control just helps a person make choices that benefit him or her long-term. Either way, self-control requires decision and action.

What is self-care? The Bible does not reference self-care specifically. It does encourage believers to care for self and others, though (Faith Filled Food for Moms, n.d.). Self-care is more of a mental health term defined as "the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them" (Global Self-Care Federation, 2023). In this way, self-care is self-tending.

The Interrelationship. The definitions of self-control and self-care overlap in the area of decision making. Some bloggers, podcasters, and writers disagree, though. Paige Schmidt (2017) does not say that the two are mutually exclusive, but portrays self-control in a pejorative sense, saying that "Self-care refuels you and gives you MORE energy and self-control drains you and takes AWAY your energy." Be the Change (2021) says something similar. Using self-control to do things that are not beneficial is negative for one's health. But using self-control to practice good things (eg sleep hygiene, good nutrition, etc.) might be necessary for self-care.

If we define self-control negatively, as in forcing oneself to do something the person does not want to do, that might not benefit the person's mental health. As Kris (n.d.) says, "When we force our bodies into a state that is unnatural and potentially even detrimental...our body [and I might add, soul and spirit] will retaliate." If self-control is done positively, as in saying, "No" to behaviors that drain the person, and "Yes" to filling and energizing behaviors, the two might go together. As Mistie (2017) writes in Simply Convivial, sometimes we need discipline, to "replace [old habits with new, better habits, and] redirect our minds to right ruts rather than bad ones." That self-discipline might include the decision-making of self-control.

Not Mutually Exclusive. Fueled by Holy Spirit wisdom, I believe that self-control and self-care go together. In fact, I think they need to go together. We need wisdom to practice appropriate self-control in ways that help, rather than hurt. We need wisdom to care of ourselves appropriately, in ways that equip us to live healthy lives rather than enable us to continue in unhealthy habits. Self-control and self-care. Let's pursue them both for the good of ourselves and the glory of God.

References:

Blue Letter Bible. (n.d.). Lexicon :: Strong's G1466 - egkrateia. https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g1466/esv/mgnt/0-1/

Faith Filled Food for Moms. (n.d.). 22 awesome scriptures for practicing self-care -- Free printable. https://www.faithfilledfoodformoms.com/22-awesome-scriptures-to-know-for-practicing-self-care/

Global Self-Care Federation. (2023). What is self-care? https://www.selfcarefederation.org/what-is-self-care

Kris. (n.d.). Choosing self care over self control. Healthy Mama Kris. https://healthymamakris.com/choosing-self-care-over-self-control/

Mistie. (2017, December 13). Simple Convivial. Repent. Rejoice. Repeat. https://simplyconvivial.com/2017/self-control-self-care/

Psychology Today Staff. (n.d.). Self-control. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-control

Schmidt, P. (2017, April 19). The difference between self-care and self-control. Live Brightly. https://www.paigeschmidt.com/the-difference-between-self-care-and-self-control/

Self Care is My Responsibility.

I have never been especially good at self-care. I have become especially bad at it since getting married. It is not the fault of my marriage. In fact, my husband has been a vocal proponent of self-care. I just thought that my job as a wife was to sacrifice and be selfless, and it is, but I have been doing it to my detriment. I could not figure out how to separate self-care from selfishness, and I did not want to be selfish, so I tried to give up self-care. As you can guess, it did not work out well. I am learning that not practicing self-care actually leads to the kind of selfishness I wish to avoid.

I have many times felt like I needed permission to practice self-care. When I would vocalize this need, my husband would tell me that it was not a need. He already gave me permission. In fact, he encouraged me to practice self-care. That freed me up a little, but I still didn't endorse the idea. It felt selfish practicing self-care when I had responsibilities to do. I knew I had permission to do self-care, but I thought I needed time. Then my husband started intentionally doing more and more for me to try to give me time. I felt ashamed and not good enough to take time away from our daily duties, so I kept working. Self-care could wait.

I have put self-care on the back burner to the point that I do not function well, that my husband has to command me to stop doing what I am doing and stop. That is not the best way to have to practice self-care. It is a selfish way to practice self-care, too, because my actions are requiring my husband to stop what he is doing to take care of me. I have realized that although it is his biblical job to take care of me as the leader of our home, I also have a job in my care, and that is self-care.

My husband gets to know me better and better the longer we are married. He cannot read my mind, though. Only I know what is in my head. Only I know the mental signs that I need a break. To push past them is to disconnect from my body, leaving my head hanging and myself a less functional whole (Rosmarin, as cited in Macpherson, 2021). Only I know what I really need in a moment of tension or stress. My husband can offer ideas, but I have to make the choice. Ultimately, if I am not practicing self-care, I am emptying my husband (and possibly others; he is just the closest to me) of resources instead of giving to him, which is what I am supposed to do as his wife and helpmate.

I have come to the conclusion that self-care is my responsibility. I have to practice self-care to avoid selfishness and to be able to sacrifice. As marriage and family therapist Erin Smalley (2021) says, "It’s my job to make sure I'm full so I’m not serving up leftovers." Leftovers are great in terms of making for a quick bite to eat, not so great in terms of sustenance. My marriage needs sustenance. I need sustenance.

I may not be good at self-care. I may be rusty and out of practice. I may not always know what I want or need. I may feel guilty. These are all excuses, though. The fact is that I need an appropriate amount of self-care, to function in my calling as a wife, and beyond. So here's to learning, to following my husband's leading (he wasn't so wrong about self-care after all) and to getting better, for me and for my household as we seek to serve the Lord (Josh 24:15).

References:

Macpherson, G. (Host). (2021, August 16). "Dr. David H. Rosmarin. Ancient Jewish Wisdom for Modern Mental Health." In The Trauma Therapist. https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/dr-david-h-rosmarin-ancient-jewish-wisdom-for-modern-mental-health

Fuller, J. (Host). (2021, September 7). Listen to the metronome. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family.

Self-Care As Survival

I stopped doing self-care for awhile, at least most of it. It was work to fit it in. It wasn't fun. I didn't feel like I really deserved to spend time caring for myself when I wasn't even keeping up with what had to be done, with what I wanted to get done. I had responsibilities to others. So I cut out the fun, or at least I tried. It was painful. I had to sit with my emotions instead of finding a way to ease them. I craved and missed some of the joys that self-care activities had given me, even if I hadn't recognized their joys at the time. Maybe it was good to take a little break from some of my personal interest activities, to push on and prove to myself that I could do it. But then my self-proclaimed "fun-fast" fast stopped working. I found myself more and more unable to move forward, stuck, and certainly lacking in motivation. My husband had been harping on me to practice self-care for a while, warning me that I would burn out if I didn't. I was on the cusp, so despite my misgivings, and even some feelings of guilt, I started taking small steps to add back the fun, to practice some self-care. In so doing I realized that sometimes self-care is a matter of survival.

I think there's an idea out that that self-care helps you achieve your highest self, that in it is some measure of self-fulfillment or self-actualization. You'll be your best self and your happiest self if you do it. You will feel calm, centered and relaxed. You'll be energetic and full of life and purpose. But maybe, like I've found, you won't. Maybe self-care will take effort. Maybe it will be drudgery. Maybe it will not create noticeable benefits, but rather keep you at baseline. Maybe practicing self-care is a matter of not dipping into deficit.

Self-care is a good habit, if nothing else. It leaves a little space to ponder. It can help connect with one's body and thereby help notice if there is anything wrong. It can help recognize a need for rest. It can highlight what is lacking in life. Self-care might not fulfill a need, but it might help prevent even more needs, and sometimes, hopefully at some point, help you have more to give towards the needs of others. So here's to self-care, because our lives, and the lives of others depend on it.

The Role of Privilege in Self-Care

I made another "self-care" shopping haul a few weekends ago. I've been shopping for myself a lot more recently, buying things I don't really need, like neon green nail polish, Dairy Queen blizzards, more nail polish, and recently, a new brush, glitter hair elastics, and pens.

(The nap t-shirts are gifts for friends.)

Did I need this stuff? No. Did this stuff make me feel better? Slightly. To be honest, it's kind of a rebellious response to all the years that I spent denying myself "extras" because I didn't "deserve them," and sometimes, just because I didn't have the money. Now I have resources, and I'm using them.

As I've thought about my recent splurges, though, I've thought of the privilege involved in them. I'm a single, white woman blessed with a good job that pays good money and awesome parents that allow me to live with them for cheap rent. Were I an unemployed woman, a woman without the privilege of education, a woman without a good job, or even just a resident of a different geographic location, I might not have money to spare. I might be living hand to mouth, or even relying on community resources like food banks and church pantries to put food in my mouth. Were I a single mother, I might not have time to spare for self-care. My point is that self-care is a privilege, one I am grateful for, but not one that everyone has.

Self-care is all the rage right now, and sometimes I think I judge people who don't practice it. (Forgive me.) But what if those people legitimately can't care for themselves right now? What if they're just surviving? What if they're expending all their time and energy and resources to care for others? That's to be valued, too.

Self-care is care for self, and it's important. What self-care isn't is others judgement and self-aggrandizing. Let's watch out for that. Because ultimately the point of self-care isn't to be selfish, but to have energy to care for others, to care for those who might not be blessed with the same privileges we have.

Self Care For Me Right Now Means More Rest

I recognized that I needed to amp up my self-care when I started my new job. So I began looking for and pinning self-care challenges. I did one in June and another one in July. A few days ago, I deleted the rest of them from my Pinterest board, however. Why? I'm tired. Too tired to commit to another challenge.

I can complicate almost anything, and I've done it with self-care, too. I've made completion of the self-care challenges an item on my "to-do" list, rather than using them as opportunities to rest and take care of myself. To be honest, completing the self-care challenge has made my days more stressful at times (like when I needed to run on a rainy day or buy flowers when I didn't have time to stop at the store).

One day, I got rebellious and didn't complete the daily challenge. I sat on the floor of my room and scrolled through my social media accounts instead. Shauna Niequiest talks about wasting time in Present Over Perfect, and this was a precise example of that. Scrolling social media was also my version of play, which Brene Brown mentions as important in The Gifts of Imperfection. Engaging in play over productivity felt SO good.

As I listen more to my body and try to live more intuitively and authentically, I'm realizing that self-care for me is less about self-love, and more about self-compassion. Practically, it's about accepting when my body is hungry, tired, or scared. It's about accepting when my mind won't work or just doesn't want to be productive. It's about stopping and resting.

Am I abandoning self-care or not doing the things I need to do to remain healthy? No. I'm just focusing more on self-acceptance and self-compassion. I'm resting more and doing less. This is the only kind of self-care that will yield the kind of renewal and growth that I need.

Self-Care vs. Selfishness

I found myself becoming increasingly and increasingly unhappy after writing my last post about self-care. I'd hiked. I'd cooked. I'd painted my toes. I'd crocheted. And I was still unhappy. Very unhappy. I cried the first day I came home from work after break. Then I came home and cried the second day. And I'm not talking about just a few tears. I'm talking about mascara running down my face, loud, ugly crying.

And then I went to Bible study where we talked about priorities. God, husband (if you have one), children, believers, and extended family/friends (in that order). God is always my first priority, and my family (parents and brother) are priority, too. But to be honest, I haven't had much time for my family lately. And I haven't had energy for service, emotional or otherwise. I've been trying to be happy, trying to be nice, and doing none of it.

My Bible study leader asked me if I'd been praying about my priorities, my work. Another lady told me that this "trial" is supposed to make me more Christlike. I told her I didn't see that happening yet. I just felt pain. 

I went home after Bible study and cried and cried some more. I realized that I'd been focusing on myself with a tunnel-like acuity, to the exclusion of everyone else. I was very convicted of my selfishness. But I didn't want to give up my things: running, blogging, self-care time. Those were mine, and all I could hold onto.

Then God convicted me that I hadn't been counting my blessings. I'd been so focused on making myself happy that I wasn't finding joy in little things like crossword puzzles, or Mom buying groceries for me, or Dad putting away dishes (typically my job at home). I took some time to write a list of gratitudes, and God used that to calm my mind. I enjoyed my nighttime snack more that evening and went to bed somber, but a little calmer.

I woke up the next morning and realized how I'd been cramming "self-care" into my mornings to the exclusion of greeting my family, helping around the house, etc. I cried again. With the Holy Spirit's help, I prayed my way through the work day, and I had a better day. God released me to go jogging after work, and I enjoyed it. I also completed my "to-dos," including blogging that evening, and felt okay about it. God ordered my priorities for the day.

What I'm realizing is that a lot of life is about perspective, doing all to the glory of God (1 Cor 10:31), working as unto the Lord, not men (Col 3:23). Self-care is good, if I'm doing it to care for my body as God's temple (1 Cor 6:19-20). Self-care is good, but only if in the right order of priorities. Self-care is good, but only if done in appreciation of God's good and perfect gifts (James 1:17). Self care is good, but only if I do it so that I can deny myself, take up my cross (Luke 9:23), follow Jesus, and serve others. If I do self-care just for myself, it's selfish.

Self-Care

I heard the term "self-care" for the first time in my graduate counseling classes. Professors stressed how important it was, especially when seeing clients. "Take care of yourself to take care of others," they said.

To be honest, I kind of blew them off. "Yeah right. Whatever." I told myself. I'm fine at taking care of myself. And then I got to practicum, the stage where I worked forty hours a week at my paying job while seeing clients for 10-15 hours a week. I got exhausted, and not just in a sleep-deprived way. I got worn out physically, mentally, and spiritually. I realized that I had to find ways to rejuvenate my whole person or I wasn't going to make it.

Rejuvenation during practicum mostly looked like hibernating at home during the weekends, cooking, and cleaning, and napping. Those were normal life things, but somehow they calmed and collected me and got me ready for the next week.

Now, out of grad school and into my "real" job, I find myself exhausted again. Lots of things are taxing me: work, life, family concerns, deaths of friends, etc. I find that I need to practice self-care again, even if I'm not working as a counselor. In fact, I think we all need to practice self-care. It's part of loving ourselves and being human.

A lot of great ladies have written about self care. (See My Uncommon Everyday, ImmaEatThat, and The Real Life RD.) I thought I'd follow suit and share a few of my own self-care practices. Just remember that these work for me. (Don't compare!) Find what works for you. Love yourself and enjoy every little bit of life you can.

Cooking: When I have time to craft a meal, to really get in there and cut and chop and baste and saute, I'm happy. Florianne Jiminez calls this type of cooking "indulgent." Recent research suggests that the activities of cooking may release dopamine, a pleasure chemical in the brain, too.

(Crockpot 3-ingredient balsamic chicken sliders and cumin-lime coleslaw)

Getting out in the sunshine: Feeling the warmth of the sun and feeling its brightness make me happy. The sun was one of the reasons I moved back to Arizona, after all. Whether it's sitting inside by a window, basking in the sun on the porch, or getting outside for exercise, getting sunshine is vital to my mental health.



(Willow Lake Trail stairway)

Painting my toes: It seems a little frivolous and vain, and to be honest, I usually put it off far too long, but after doing it, I get a little bit of joy every time I see my toes. They just make me happy and help me love and appreciate my body a little more.




Social media: This is a gray area, because overdoing social media is bad for my self-care. It leads to comparison and envy and discontent. But in the right context, social media reminds me of the beauty and joy of life. Recently, I've liked following the posts of My Uncommon Everyday and The Real Life RD on Instagram. I also like perusing Pinterest and Facebook. One strategy I (sometimes) use to make sure I enjoy social media is to single-task (more on that here) and set a time-limit using my cell phone timer. 

Others Above Self

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others (Phil 2:3-4, New International Version [NIV])”

I'm struggling tonight. I'd say I'm “on the struggle bus,” but that's not necessarily kind to the real people who ride special busses. I'm struggling because I want to be selfish, because I want to care about myself more than others. I want to make this verse say that I value myself and others, but it says to “value others above [myself] (Phil 2:3). The Message [MSG] translation reads, “Put yourself aside and help others get ahead” (Phil 2:3-4) I can do that in the counseling room, but not in real life.

In real life, I feel like I'm constantly trying to survive, constantly fighting to be calm and even-tempered, and I think I have to be selfish to do it. “I have to protect myself,” I say. “I have to practice self-care.” Yes, and Yes. These verses do not say to abase myself, but to value others more than myself, so I have to value myself some. Self-care does lead to others-care. But selfishness does not lead to the kind of selflessness God desires. It does not lead to the kind of sacrifice that creates unity in the church and in the body of God (Guzik). Selfishness puts me first when I need to put God first.

Oh, how I want to be my best advocate, my greatest cheerleader, but that's not my calling. I am “chosen” in Christ to be His servant, His vehicle for showing His love to the world (Eph 1:11). Serving in that role means putting myself aside, trusting in God to take care of me instead of trusting only myself. It means looking for excellence in others, rather than tooting my own horn (Jamieson, Fausset, & Brown). It means laying aside my passions and ambitions for God's, trying to see the best in others and help them achieve their God-given potentials. But even in this, I can be selfish. I can put others ahead and try to tag-along behind them. That's not what the verse says. Look not “to your own interests,” it says (Phil 2:4). Oh, have I got a lot of learning and loving to do! Help me, Jesus.

References

Guzik, D. (2006). Humble living in light of Jesus' humble example. In Study Guide for Philippians 2. Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/guzik_david/StudyGuide_Phl/Phl_2.cfm?a=1105003.

Fausett, A. R. (n. d.) The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Philippians. In Commentary on Philippians 2. Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/jfb/Phl/Phl_002.cfm?a=1105003. 

Everything I Read in February

I read even less books this month than last, but you know what? I read, and I read some weighty (though helpful) stuff. Here's my list:

6) Abdi's World: The Black Cactus on Life, Running, and Fun by Abdi Abidrahman—Talk about a man who loves running! Abdi Abidrahman had run in five Olympics as of the writing of this book. As of 2/3/24, he had lined up for a sixth trials. Wow! A Somalian refugee who came to Tucson at age 16, Abidrahman, or “The Black Cactus,” as he likes to call himself, is a bit of an anomaly when it comes to training, and to life. He doesn't keep a training log. He is humble—respectful, and even complimentary of competitors. He is big into fashion. He is Muslim, but speaks little of the details of his faith, even in the book, and as of right now, is partnered with, but not married to feller runner Diane Nukuri. He is also a bit of a fashion person. The book is not about much of that, but rather Abdi's joy in and life as a runner. With clips from interviews and a few photos, this is really just a fun, joyful read. The sage advice Abidrahman gives about keeping healthy, though, stands out, especially in light of those who had to pull out of the 2024 Olympic Trials due to injury. Abidrahman knows what it takes to stand the test of time as a runner, and that is how he has, and continues to make a life of running.

7) Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected About Being a Mom by Lisa-Jo Baker—This was a relatively short and easy read, a memoir detailing the author's decision not to have children due to childhood wounds, and later decision to have, and even embrace children. With a style similar to that of Ann Voskamp, the writing is soothing (though less verbose). The lessons the author shares about grief and marriage and parenting are poignant. The story is obviously not over, and the author has written other books (none of which I have read). The refreshing nature of this book does make me wonder what the rest of her memoirs are like. Maybe a surprise for another time?

8) Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts by Jennie Allen—Another solid book by author Jennie Allen, this explores how thinking one thought—the ability to change thought, can change the whole negative thought spiral. Allen bravely shares about her own struggles with negative thinking and how focusing on Christ and things of Christ bring freedom. With integration of neuroscience and neurobiology with Scripture, this is both an interesting, and convicting read. It might be a lot about the head, but it's also about the heart, and having a heart aligned with Jesus about all else.

9) Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness [Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included] by Pooja Lakshmin, MD—This is not a Christian book, and it definitely has some social justice/self-focus themes I cannot endorse. With that being said, it is a very helpful book for considering what is needed to nourish self in order to nourish others. Written by a female psychiatrist and for women, this book explores the societal pressures placed on women, the paradoxes of trying to be “good” at work and home, faux versus real-self care, and more. The book contains helpful exercises for values work, as well as some ACT and DBT coping skills. This book gave me a lot of food for thought and I would recommend it to women who are able to tolerate some things they may not include or endorse for their own self-care.

10) Beyond Basketball: Coach K’s Keywords for Success by Mike Krzyzewski with Jamie K. Spatola—West Point graduation and former Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski (Coach K) shares in this book words that mean something to him. He accompanies each with anecdotes from him life and coaching. Less cohesive than a book, this is best rest bit by bit, rather than all at once. With a focus on character, this would be a great book to read from before sports team practices or other like gatherings.

11) Coach K: The Rise and Reign of Mike Krzyzewski by Ian O’Connor—A tome of a book, this biography chronicles Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s life from his birth to immigrant parents to his last NCAA finals game. Raised a Duke fan and in awe of “Coach K’s” reign, I wanted to read this book to learn more about the inspirational leader. Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find loads of profanity, often in quotes from the man himself, along with accounts of rage that included breaking things, struggles to apologize, inability to accept criticism, and at times, being a sore loser. Coach K did have a 47 year college career at Duke, coaching though back surgery, a breakdown, and the replacement of both hips and knees. He had a reputation of being honest in the recruiting process. Many noted his gifts of collaboration and leadership. He really did love a lot of people, especially his family, who played primary roles on his home team for all his years as a coach. In sum, Coach K is a man, a man whose humanity this book reveals. Though a professing Catholic, this book, in all its thoroughness, doesn’t point to true saving faith, and so that is my prayer after reading this book: that the great Coach K will come to salvation through Jesus so that he may one day live under the great reign of the eternal God.

Self-Love and the Christian Faith

Some time ago, I wrote about self-care and selfishness. Since then, I've see a lot of Instagram posts and blog articles about self-love. there have been other articles about how people don't need to love themselves, but rather accept themselves and where they're at. In all this, I've started to wonder how self-love intersects with my Christian faith. I don't want to idolize myself, but I don't want to fail to care for the body God has given me either. I don't want to be a self-centered glutton, or an ascetic. What is the balance?

In a sermon on 1 John 4:7-8 this weekend, the pastor reminded us that love originates from God. Boom! All of this self-love stuff started to find its place in my heart. Love for self that comes from God and an appreciation of how fearfully and wonderfully He made me (Ps 139:14) is profitable. Love for self that comes from a desire to serve myself and ignore the needs of others is self-centered (Phil 2:3-4). Love for self that includes honoring rest and the needs of the body God gave me is beneficial because it places myself and God in the correct positions (Ps 46:10). Love for self that is for my own gain is sinful and unedifying to those around me (Ps 119:36). Failing to love either myself or others is failing to acknowledge the source of love in God.

Scripture does it again and sets my wrong heart aright. Now may the Holy Spirit help me practice love for self and others in the right fashion.

33.

Honestly, I don't really feel like doing a birthday review this year. It's been a long year and I don't feel like I've been that successful. I did do some hiking. I returned to running once more. I read a lot of books. I baked. I wish I had more "big" things to share, but some times the big things are the little things. On that note, birthday reviews are routine, a little thing, and if nothing else, I will complete this one as an act of gratitude. Gratitude was, after all, one of my goals for last year.

Who knew what 2020 would hold when I wrote about year 32? We were fresh into lockdown and only more was to come. Masks mandates came for us in June and still remain for our cities. In spite of all the restrictions, we were able to see family and even extended family, which were true blessings. I continued my 1,000 gifts list and got to . I have kept up that habit and try to contribute at least 10 items a day, five in the morning and five at night. Often, I add more than ten items a day, more as a habit than as a have-to.

I have pretty much tanked the joy. I had some joy, sure, but I also kind of gave up on trying to find joy. I read books about joy and learned I need to "stay with" joy in order to really receive its benefits. That still needs a lot of work. I am trying to watch for delight and savor it.

My self-care tanked this year (not like it's ever been good). I started a self-care list based on the five love languages a little while ago and that has made self-care a daily "to-do." It's helped...some. I did the 30 day evening yoga challenge with Kassandra. I think that was my biggest one.

I usually make three goals for the next year on my birthday, but this year I have just one: Live. The three goals birthday tradition started in college when we used to ask each other a question for every year of life. Well, we're too old for that now. It would take too long and we're too spread apart. So this year, I'm discontinuing that tradition, or at least putting it on hiatus. I'm thankful for another year, and it was a rough one, so this coming year, I just want to live. My husband tells me that I try to control too much, so perhaps this is my act of letting go--or maybe it's a goal in disguise. Either way, here we go towards year 34.

Everything I Read in May

I am back to reading! Our vacation helped me fit in a few books, and after that, I made steady progress, helped along by a second road trip we just ended. I am trying to read some different books, more life books than chick-flick romance. Don't get me wrong. I like the happily ever after stories, but they can tend to pull me in to the point that I might get too invested in fantasy and not as invested in real life. Some of the real life books I read this month were hard, but some were good. And I still wish I read more than I was on social media, again, not an entirely bad thing, but something that I would like to do less of. With that being said, here's what I read:

28) A Promise to Remember by Kathryn Cushman—Andie Phelps and Melanie Johnston both lost their sons in a tragic accident. They are currently losing so much more. This book follows both of their journeys through grief and recovery from it. There is a twist in the end that involves Andie’s friend Christi that doesn’t quite fit with the theme, but I will leave that to readers to assess. Although maybe not the most memorable books I’ve read, this is still a good one. The reminders about God’s forgiveness and salvation, however, are worthy promises they endure.

29) Finding Me by Kathryn Cushman—Kelli Huddleston starts a journal entitled “Finding Kelli” after losing her father and stepmother in a car crash. In the wake of their deaths, though, she discovers that all she knows of herself might be false. She takes a cross-country road trip to explore links to truth, renaming her journal, “Finding Me.” This book had me intrigued, near tears, and rejoicing. The gospel message is not quite as strong as in A Promise to Remember, but it is there, and let me tell you, this is a story to remember.

30) The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer—This is a good book, one about accepting and living within limits. The practices of silence and solitude, Sabbath, simplicity, and slowing are good ones—ones I don’t know I can fully practice, but as Comer states, they’re about practice, not arriving. The goal is Jesus, and apprenticeship under Him. Ultimately, that’s what eliminating hurry is about, living in the present with Jesus and who He made us to be. I can get behind that, and I also do see the cost, at least in a worldly sense.

31) Fading Starlight by Kathryn Cushman—Lauren Summers has an eye for fashion design, and an internship to help her get her foot in the door for a career, that is until a new starlet has a “wardrobe malfunction” that ruins everything. Lauren becomes the fall girl and hides to stay out of the limelight. Her new “job” designing costumes for a high school theater production is hard work, and her neighbor Charlotte Montgomery is even harder. Lauren keeps hearing the scripture, “Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land,” and does not really know what it means, that is until the end of the story. This book has a little bit of mystery and intrigue, some history, a dash of romance, and a lot of perseverance and hard work and listening to the Lord. I liked this book!

32) Another Dawn by Kathryn Cushman—Readers return to Shoal Creek (also the setting for Waiting for Daybreak) as Grace Graham faces her family and an onslaught of health issues. Grace has always run from problems, but can she now stay put? Can she learn to trust God and others? The author's pharmacist past definitely informs the portrayal of a measles outbreak in this story, as well as the discussion of vaccines. All in all, though, it is a great story about facing fears, forgiveness, and learning to love others, especially when their viewpoints differ from one's own. I enjoyed this book!

33) Untangle Your Emotions: Naming What You Feel and Knowing What to Do About It by Jennie Allen—This is by far one of the best books about emotions by a lay person that I have read. In it, author, Bible teacher, and speaker Jennie Allen not only vulnerably shares her own struggles with emotions, but also makes a case for emotions not as good or bad, but as gifts from God to help people connect with God and with others. Allen presents practical and professional solutions for untangling emotions, and provides hope that this untangling is possible, maybe not completely, but in a way that can connect and enrich life. I highly recommend this book to lay people and professionals alike. It provides both a strong and accessible theology of emotions, one from which I think every person can benefit!

34) Me Time: The Self-Care Guide That Transforms You from Surviving to Thriving by Jessica Sanders—Written by a social worker, this is an accessible book about self-care, and more than that, about self-awareness. Sanders writes in a gentle and kind way, encouraging readers to check in with themselves and ask what they need. She suggests carving out time for self-care, and offers idea about how to practice self care in 1, 5, 10, and 30 minutes; and 1, 2, and 4 hour plus hours. Some cute abstract art and cutes make this a fun, easy reference guide that could be good for healthcare lobbies, and maybe even the coffee table!

35) Leaving Yesterday by Kathryn Cushman—This book was a tough one for me to read. Alisa and Rick are separated. There are not one, but two violent crimes (not described in too much detail, but enough). The characters fight lots of temptations, giving into some and resisting others. This book was a good, real, true-to-life, book, but a bit too close to reality for me to really enjoy it. It is hopeful, though, and hopeful in a real-life, consequences-happen way. Read somberly, I guess is what I am saying.

36) 36) Tender Grace by Jackina Stark—I had a hard time getting into this book. Written in daily journal style, it was good, and rich, but slow, and maybe that’s the point. It is the story of new widow Audrey Eaton and the trip she takes from Missouri to the west coast to reclaim her life and learn more about God and his tender graces. With some exposition of the gospel of John, insights about grief, and even some laugh out loud moments, this book has gifts to offer, perhaps to those in new life stages such as Audrey’s most of all.

37) Fire on Ice: The Exclusive Inside Story of Tonya Harding by Abby Haight and J.E. Vance and the Staff of The Oregonian—Written in 1994 by the staff of The Oregonian, “the first to report almost every development in the [Tonya Harding] case,” this is an expose of Harding’s ups and downs, from her early life, to her on- and off-again marriage, to financial struggles, to crime. Ultimately, it shows how her “husband” (in quotation marks because they were officially divorced) paid his friend and a group of thugs (out of Phoenix, Arizona, no less!) to injure Harding’s competitor Nancy Kerrigan, and hopefully give Harding a competitive edge. Harding gave lots of excuses to try to cover up her knowledge of the operation, but it is pretty clear that she knew about it. As the authors concluded about her potential appearance at the Olympics that year:

“Tonya Harding will be there because the man she married, and loved, and lived with paid money to thugs so they would whack the current national champion in the leg. Harding will be there because her lawyers threatened to sue to the hilt anyone who tried to prevent her from going.

But most of all, she will be there because she doesn’t know any better, because she doesn’t know what else to do. Tonya Harding learned very early that life is unfair and she has been told, over and over, that life has been particularly unfair to her. She learned that winning is all-important, that it brings love and respect and, especially money. She learned that violence is a way to solve problems.”

This is a sad story all the way through, and a cautionary tale against letting winning become the be-all, end-all, because when it does, it’s a fire that consumes everything.

38) Have a Beautiful, Terrible Day: Daily Meditations for the Ups, Downs, and In-Betweens by Kate Bowler—Another beauty from the prolific Kate Bowler, this book focuses its devotionals around caring for self and others not in the good days, but in the terrible ones, and finding God in the midst of them. The book contains devotionals for everyday hard seasons, as well as for Lent and Advent. Each short meditation contains a preamble, poem, and reflection question. It can be read daily, or in sections. Not every meditation hit home, but many really did, making this book get a thumbs up recommendation from me.

39) Stones for Bread by Christa Parrish—This is a bit of a heavy book. Part fiction, part sourdough cookbook, and part history of bread, it follows Wild Rise bakery owner Liesel as she navigates her past, present, and future. Liesl's mother passed on to her not only a history of baking, but stones for bread in terms of a history of mental illness that left Liesl motherless at an early age. The book covers difficult topics like self-harm, divorce, learning disabilities, and heaps of grief. It is good, but hard to read, and definitely emotional. The recipes, well, they look challenging, but delicious! All in all this was a good read, but one readers need to read when they are ready to take a big bite, because it is a mouthful!

40) Thin Ice: The Complete Uncensored Story of Tonya Harding, America's Bad Girl of Ice Skating by Frank Coffey and Joe Layden—Another book about Tonya Harding, though not really with anything new to offer. This expose was slightly shorter than Fire on Ice, and still implicates Tonya Harding as more involved with the attack on Nancy Kerrigan than she let on. It also shows just how unprofessional the attack ring was, dubbing them “The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.” The whole tale really is what the author sets it out to be: a tragedy of misplaced aims, affections, and agreements. How much about the attack on Kerrigan Harding knew will probably never be known. What is true is that Harding and her companions skated on thin ice and feel through, to all of their demises.

41) Watch Over Me by Christa Parrish —Fostering an abandoned infant brings Abbi and Benjamin Patil together, at least for a time. Sharing a few interests, but also diametrically different, they each wrestle with their own demons. Abbi struggles with an eating disorder, infertility, and memories of past sexual abuse. Benjamin wrestles with PTSD after fighting in Afghanistan. Then there is sub character Matthew Savoie, who struggles with symptoms of Alport Syndrome. This wasn’t a bad book, but once again a heavy read, and one that seems to wrap up a dark night of the soul a bit too quickly after taking up most of the book. If you choose to ready this book, watch over yourself, because it may bring up some stuff.

This Mountain

As I drove back from my occupational therapy evaluation, I felt so overwhelmed. The therapist wanted me to come to Phoenix once a week for six weeks. I'd scheduled appointments, but didn't see how they could work. I work full time, or more than full time, after all.

The mile posts flashed by as I sped up the hill back to work. And God brought to mind this quote that I'd seen on Pinterest some time earlier:

I tell people all the time that self-care is important. But do I really practice it? Not really. I like to be self-sufficient and I try to pretty much take care of myself. Needing to go to the doctor so much is quite frankly humbling, and embarrassing, and at the same time probably something I need. It forces me to actually put my actions where my words are, and take care of my health. It requires me to make time for myself and prioritize my well being. This therapy probably won't cure my condition, but it might help, and I have to take the chance.

My diagnosis of dystonia may be a diagnosis that cannot change, but the way I view and take care of myself can. With God's help, the mountain of bulletproof self-sufficiency that has guided my life for so long can be move. In it's place, I hope to make a mountain of faith, hope, and love, a testament to God's faithfulness and not my own.

Marriage Misnomers: What's Good for You

Marriage is self-emptying. It requires self-sacrifice. It means unity. But does unity mean morphing into the other person? Does it require spending every minute that you can together? Does what's good for you have to be good for both of you? Some would say it does. I disagree. While marriage does require a lot of selflessness, it also requires a measure of self-care, and that means at least at little attention to self.

I tried for a long time to be completely sacrificial in my marriage, to give my husband as much as I could of what he wanted and stuff down what I wanted. Sure, I did some things that I wanted to do, but I often served him out of a sense of obligation and grudging. I often refused to let him help me, feeling guilty if I wasn't doing absolutely everything I could ever be capable of doing. And I fell apart. At some point, I realized that I wasn't serving my husband in refusing to admit my needs or care for myself. We were one flesh, and if I wasn't doing well, he wasn't going to do well. He had been asking me to ask for help, so I started doing it. It was freeing.

As I continued to practice asking my husband for help, I started taking some time for myself. Time to check in. Time to recharge. Time to care for myself. I needed my life back! I couldn't give life to my marriage when I was stifling my own life. I started trying to plug back into my intuition and start respecting the still small voice inside. The path was rocky, accentuated by that familiar voice of guilt, and not comfortable, but I had to do something.

Not coincidentally, as I did things that were good for me, I found that I had more energy to give to my husband. I could tolerate a little more distress. I had more grace and an increased sense of understanding when my husband wanted to do something for his own good, such as spending time with friends or pursuing a hobby. I realized that sometimes what's good for you individually is often good for the unified you.

On the flip side, does what's good for both of you always feel good for you? No. Again, sometimes marriage requires sacrifice. Marriage is, after all, a sanctifying process. But if you individually are full of good and are pursuing good, it is easier to make sacrifice.

Things are good for you only if they're good for both of you? No, do good things. Purse your own good. Pursue your spouse's good. Pursue your unified good. Pursue God. He defines the ultimate good.

Real Life Marriage: Standing on My Own Two Feet

Six years ago, I was walking up a trail with a guy I did not know what to do with. I had reached the point that it was either get serious, or get out. I knew my heart was in way over my head, and I honestly did not know what to do about it. I'd talked and tried to express myself to the extent that I felt right, consulted friends, and prayed a lot. Nothing was moving, and I needed to let God move. Here I am today, walking the path of married life with that same guy, realizing that God has moved, a lot, and not in ways I exactly expected.

I started marriage thinking I could be a perfect wife. Even if that was not what I was thinking exactly, my actions showed that I believed I could do more than I could. Five years plus of marriage later, and God has humbled me again and again. I have a lot of pride and selfishness and rough edges that need sanding away. Marriage has been doing that for me, but often in ways that require some painful and abrasive interactions with my husband.

I started down the counseling path for myself again last fall. Life had been too much, and we decided we had to make room in our schedule and budget for me to start processing some stuff. As with all things, the drivers for me to return to counseling turned out not to the main topics I have addressed in counseling. Instead, I have been working a lot of my own self-regulation, on my own self-management, and my own self-care.

I started working a few hours less each week about a month ago, after one two many melt-downs led my husband to give me an ultimatum. It was true that I was releasing the stress of life at home, and I needed a better way. That little bit of margin has helped immensely, and I am grateful!

I started a more intensive race training plan late this summer. It forced me to stand up for myself in my own home, to say when I needed to eat, go to bed, etc. I had always expressed those things, but sometimes let them slide in the interest of trying to serve my husband (and also because of my own laziness and procrastination). The immensity of my physical needs during this training cycle has forced me to tend to myself. 

In summary, this past year has forced me to realize anew that self-care really is my responsibility. Even though I am married, I have to stand on my own two feet. Interdependence is one thing, but leaning heavily on my husband to know my needs, tend to me needs, or "fix me" does not work. Rather, it trips him up. I, in turn, become hindrance, rather than a helper.

This work of finding my way, of differentiating myself from my spouse, has been hard. I am sure it is not over yet, as Lord willing, we still have a long road of life ahead of us. I am sure there will be some hikes and climbs, as well as some descents back into the valley. While I hope that I can refer to my husband as a rich resource with which God has blessed me, I hope that I can also carry with me this ability to be independent. Ultimately, may my independence strengthen our interdependence, because two people people standing on their own two feet get a lot farther than two people with their feet tied together trying to run a three-legged race.

Everything I Read in April

I set a goal to read seven books this month. I knew this was possible, given that I read at least two books at week last year. Midway through the month, I realized that this goal was NOT happening on its own, so I developed a new strategy: I had to read at least a book a week, and that meant dividing how ever many pages the book had by seven and getting those pages read! I did somewhat "cheat" (or take the easy way out) to meet my goal, as the last two books I picked to read to get to my goalwere only about 100 Libby pages each. I did not know that when I checked them out to read, but it worked in my favor. (I also ended up returning to a quick fiction read between them because, well, I was tired of nonfiction!) I will argue that since I read several very long books, it was only fair to add a few shorter, easier reads to meet my goal this month. Anyway, here is my list:

18) Breaking Free From Body Shame: Dare to Reclaim What God Has Named Good by Jess Connolly —I have seen many Christian women post about this book. I have followed Jess Connolly on social media for some time, after having read, Wild and Free. This book surpassed all the expectations I had for it, in spite of my exposure to media about it. More about flat out shame than about the body, this is a freedom call to women, encouraging them to live out the good God has put in them, to worship God in their bodies, to repent, and to bring about revival in the land. Connolly does a great job portraying the nuances of a just and righteous God with a loving and gracious one, and it hits home. God is good, and we can live out of and for that goodness. Amen and amen!

19) 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam—I started reading this book after seeing the 168 hours concept referenced in one two many other books I had read (eg Loving My Actual Life and Life Reimagined). In the beginning, the book really rankled me, to the point that I started, and finished, reading another book first. Then I decided to get back to this one. There is certainly a point that this book is at Maslow's level of self-actualization. People in developing countries and other forms of poverty do not really have time to categorize their 168 hours and learn to manage them better. Still, I did glean some things from this. I have choices. If I choose to do housework, it is really a hobby (since, technically, I could hire it out—if I wanted to, but also, if I could afford it, which is another discussion). Multi-tasking is switch-tasking, which wastes time. In the end, a good summary of the question this book leaves readers with is that of Mary Oliver, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do. With your one wild and precious life?” Perhaps those of us in first-world countries could do more than we are. It is a thought at least worth giving a little time to ponder.

20) An Uncertain Inheritance: Writers on Caring For Family Edited by Nell Casey—A collection of essays on caring, and being cared for, this book is a tender testament to the fragility of life. Written by authors from many walks of life, this book covers care for many types of people: aging parents, partners, children with special needs, and even self. In a nation that touts independence and strength, this is a testament to the need for and benefits of care, uncertain a process as it may be.

21) The Theft of Memory: Losing My Father One Day at A Time by Jonathan Kozol—An account of Psychiatrist Dr. Harry Kozol's battle with Alzheimer's disease, and his son's care for him during that 14 year period, this is a timely memoir about memory and the inability of the loss of it to truly steal a person's entire humanity. Dr. Kozol realized he was slipping, and eventually he had to live in a care home, for his safety and for the well-being of his wife, but in the end, he outlived his wife, living until 102 and leaving in his wake a legacy of good patient care and prolific scientific writing. This is a sweet book to read for those caring for ailing parents now, or for those who do so in the future. Decidedly non-Christian/non-religious, it still has something to offer in terms of detailing the end of a life well lived and not taken too soon.

22) How to Have a Good Day: Harness the Power of Behavioral Science to Transform Your Working Life by Caroline Webb—This was quite a tome, and at the same time, not too hard to read. About working life, this book incorporates anecdotes, psychoeducation about cognitive biases, and practical ideas about how to use the deliberate mind instead of the “defend” mind. With tips and tricks for working with people and tending to tasks like e-mails, this book has a little bit of something for everyone. At least a skim read, or topical read might be good for many.

23) Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh—What a delightful, and poignant read! Written in 1955 by the wife of famed aviator Charles Lindbergh during a solo trip to the beach, this collection of essays is as timely now as it was then. In each essay, the author describes a shell from the beach, and what it teaches her about being a woman, wife, and mother. She touches on the demands of these roles; the need for moments of stillness, freedom, and creativity, and the ebbs and flows of these characteristics in relationships. She writes of herself as a feminist, yet she must be an old wave feminist, because she speaks highly of marriage and of the great need for men and women to work together. She writes of busyness and the need to stay present. Truly, this book is a timeless gift, one that even Lindbergh’s daughter says she rereads every time she goes to the beach, even 50 years after the book’s first publishing. I might consider re-reading it in the future as well.

24) Mending the Doctor's Heart by Tina Radcliffe—Dr. Sara Elliott has been on the run for some time: from her father's expectations, a failed relationship, etc. Dr. Ben Rogers is running, too, trying to avoid swamping grief. Both find themselves in Paradise, Colorado vying for the same job. As in many romance novels, they expectedly fall for each. There are some plot twists I did not expect, however. There are also some poignant messages about selflessness and self-sacrifice, and a note that forgiveness, both of self and others, "is an act of faith." Yes, the book may be cliche in its beginning and end, but this meat in the middle is heart medicine, and for that reason, worth the read.

25) What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do: 8 Principles for Finding God’s Way by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend—A short and concise book, with contents that are not necessarily earth-shattering, this could still be a resource for people lost in the muddle of life and seeking God's way out. With brief chapters, real-life stories, and highlighted quotes, this is easy to read. It is decidedly Christian, however, and would be of most use to those who understand what true saving faith means.

26) Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding Church by Rachel Held Evans—Long ago, I read Held's book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood about her experience trying out biblical practices of being a woman (especially the Old Testament ones). In this memoir/expose, Evans explores her evangelical upbringing, church disillusionment, leaving church, and seeking to find it again. With stats and Scriptures, Held shows a lot of ways that the church is failing Christians, or making it hard for believers to stay in church. After all the pain she experiences, however, in the end, she concludes, “I can’t be a Christian on my own. Like it or not, following Jesus is a group activity, something we’re supposed to do together.” While I cannot get behind everything Evans believed (she has since passed away), I think that this is a valuable read for believers seeking to understand the deconstructing/exvangelical/dechurched (whatever we are calling it) movement.

Saturday Detox

I've been realizing lately how vital Saturdays are to surviving the week. If I don't rest on Saturdays, I'm toast for the next week. I need self-care every day, but it's crucial on the weekend. Saturdays are my day to detox, to let go, to go slow, to refill. Here are some of my go-to habits for Saturdays:

1) Walking with Mom: To let go of the stale air from indoors and to inhale some fresh air, as well as some quality time and wisdom from a woman I greatly admire.

2) Superfoods: I often overeat on Friday nights, and wake up feeling sluggish the next morning. I wish this wasn't my habit, but for now, I'm accepting it and combating it with better nutrition on Saturday, like cinnamon turmeric chocolate milk, coconut oil, green tea (my favorite is Honey Lemon Ginseng from Celestial Seasonings), and plenty of vegetables.

3) Naps: Tiredness out, rest in. I read that drinking caffeine before napping helps the person wake up more energized, so I've been drinking tea just prior to sleeping.

4) Quickie yoga: A few minutes of calm, most of the time after the nap. This wakes me up a little and helps keep my mind in a calm state. My favorite current source of yoga is Lesley Fightmaster's YouTube channel.

5) An earlier bedtime: I'd really like to stay up late on Saturday nights, but when church comes early, I just perpetuate the cycle of sleeplessness form the week.

These are some of my Saturday self-care habits. What are yours?
Please share in the comments.

Make Your Own Happiness.

I made my own birthday cake this year. I wasn't sure how or if we would get to celebrate my birthday, and I wanted to do something. I felt a little selfish cooking for just myself, but knew I'd be happier for it. I think sometimes life is like that. We want people to make happiness for us, but sometimes we need to make our own.

My birthday came at an odd time this year. It was in the middle of a pandemic. It was in the middle of a work week. It was in the middle of college finals week. We'd planned to go see my parents the weekend prior, but didn't know if we could. I could let my birthday pass and be grumpy and mourn, or I could take the initiative and make my own celebration. That's what I did. In the end, I actually got to see my family to celebrate, and my mom made me a big cake. My mini celebration made room for a larger celebration with others.

Sometimes we need to take ourselves out for coffee. Sometimes we need to plan our own dates. Sometimes we need to make our own cakes. Sometimes we need to initiate our own celebrations of life. Sometimes we need to make our own happiness.

Making our own happiness prepares us to celebrate with others. Making our own happiness gets our brains ready to receive joy. I'm not saying be selfish. Still care for others. Still serve and give selflessly, but don't wait for permission to take care of yourself and live. Putting in a little time for personal celebration may make room for more, or at least make you a more pleasant person to be around. (In full disclosure, I ended up freezing the cake I made and brought it out later to celebrate my husband.)

So here's to celebration. Here's to happiness. Here's to a little self-care, a little more self-love, and celebrating with those we love when we can. May the world be better for it.