Self Care For Me Right Now Means More Rest

I recognized that I needed to amp up my self-care when I started my new job. So I began looking for and pinning self-care challenges. I did one in June and another one in July. A few days ago, I deleted the rest of them from my Pinterest board, however. Why? I'm tired. Too tired to commit to another challenge.

I can complicate almost anything, and I've done it with self-care, too. I've made completion of the self-care challenges an item on my "to-do" list, rather than using them as opportunities to rest and take care of myself. To be honest, completing the self-care challenge has made my days more stressful at times (like when I needed to run on a rainy day or buy flowers when I didn't have time to stop at the store).

One day, I got rebellious and didn't complete the daily challenge. I sat on the floor of my room and scrolled through my social media accounts instead. Shauna Niequiest talks about wasting time in Present Over Perfect, and this was a precise example of that. Scrolling social media was also my version of play, which Brene Brown mentions as important in The Gifts of Imperfection. Engaging in play over productivity felt SO good.

As I listen more to my body and try to live more intuitively and authentically, I'm realizing that self-care for me is less about self-love, and more about self-compassion. Practically, it's about accepting when my body is hungry, tired, or scared. It's about accepting when my mind won't work or just doesn't want to be productive. It's about stopping and resting.

Am I abandoning self-care or not doing the things I need to do to remain healthy? No. I'm just focusing more on self-acceptance and self-compassion. I'm resting more and doing less. This is the only kind of self-care that will yield the kind of renewal and growth that I need.

Cooking with Fruits and Vegetables (A-Z)

Back in 2016, I made it a goal to include more produce in my diet. I always try to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, but sometimes it's just hard. I'm the kind of person who tends to eat the same fruits and vegetables over and over again, too. So to motivate myself to branch out, I decided to try cooking with new fruits and vegetables, as many as I could find, A to Z. See my results below.

Now before you go commenting that I missed a few letters, I know. I decided not to special order fruits like quince or ugly fruit. I never got around to the letters "I" (iceberg lettuce) and "W" water chestnuts. I challenge you to find a "X" vegetable. As for the rest of the letters, I think I did alright.

A is for Avocado 

Vanilla honey avocado pudding from The Iron You

B is for Black Beans

Cowboy caviar from Budget Bytes

C is for Chickpeas

Chickpea cookie dough balls from A Dash of Compassion

D is for Dill

Garbanzo summer salad with creamy dill dressing from Vanilla and Bean

E is for Eggplant

Eggplant cacciatore from Conoisseurus Veg

F is for Fennel

White bean soup with fennel seeds from Saveur

G is for Green Beans

Red curry green beans from Vegan Richa

H is for Honeydew Melon

Honeydew avocado kale smoothie from Nutrition to Fit

J is for Jalapeno Pepper

Brazilian black bean soup from Eating Well

K is for Kiwi

Clean eating kiwi muffins from The Gracious Pantry

L is for Lemon

Lemon blueberry loaf from Ambitious Kitchen

M is for Mushroom

Crockpot lentils and mushrooms from Recipes That Fit

N is for Nectarine

Nectarine lime oatmeal from The Oatmeal Artist

O is for Okra

Black eyed pea gumbo from Fat Free Vegan

P is for Pear

Gingerbread pear crumble from the OATrageous Oatmeals cookbook

R is for Raspberry

Tahini baked oatmeal with raspberries from The Oatmeal Artist

S is for Spinach

Sweet potato spinach quinoa gratin from Tori Avey

T is for Tomatoes

Burrito bowl soup from Fooduzzi

V is for Valencia Orange

Orange upside-down cake from Epicurious

Y is for Yellow Squash

Creamy yellow squash soup from Super Healthy Kids

Z is for Zucchini

Oil free healthy zucchini bread from Ceara's Kitchen

The "F-Word"

I'd like to address a trend I've seen on Instagram: using the "f-word" towards things (especially psychiatric disorders) and people. (I'm assuming that I don't need to spell out the word for you and that you know what word I'm talking about.) 

I know that the "f-word" is a cuss word and that people like to use it to describe how they feel. But when they do that, are they remembering what the "f-word" means? To be explicit, yet vague, it's a term used to describe sexual intercourse. Given that, do people really want to "f" depression, eating disorders, OCD, negative opinions, and critical words? Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. Do people really want to get intimate with psychiatric disorders and people who are cruel? I don't think so. I think they want these things to "bug off," to "get lost."

The first time I heard someone use the "f-word" correctly was in a description of a sexual assault the person endured. That wasn't a good thing. So again I ask, do people really want to use the "f-word?" Do they want to speak of the thing that are violent to thm (e.g.the depression that steals people's happiness, eating disorders that strip bodies of nutrients and health, OCD that torments people with obsessions, negative opinions that lead to guilt and shame) using a word associated with violence? I don't think so! 

William Madsen, a narrative therapist, suggests that the language people use is important. In his book Collaborative Therapy with Multi-Stressed Families he writes, “Militaristic metaphors such as beating, kicking, or thrashing a problem fit with patriarchal ways of being in the world and have the potential to replicate those ways of being at the same time that we are seeking alternatives to them” (p. 208). Based on his assertion and the thought I've shared above, I'd like to make a suggestion: If you're really upset about something, use your words. Describe the negative effect that thing has had on your life. Show pictures of the devastation. Ask another person to write a testimony about what they saw you experience. Just don't use the "f-word." It's not descriptive. It will keep some people from reading your post. And most of all, it will further propel the trend of fighting violence with violence.

Summer Produce Oatmeal

Have summer produce lying around? If you're rich in zucchini or summer squash, this is the recipe for you!

Yes, it's more chocolate, but chocolate makes for a good breakfast. Don't you think? You'll definitely think so after you try this oatmeal.

Ingredients:

1/2 c quick cooking oats
1 -1/2 1/2 c water
1/2-1 c shredded zucchini or summer squash
2 T dark cocoa powder
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t ginger
1/4 t cardamom

Directions:

1. Bring oats, shredded squash and 1 cup of water to a boil and reduce heat to medium. 
2. When oats reach the desired consistency, stir in the cocoa, cinnamon, ginger, and cardamom. Add more water if needed.
3. Transfer oatmeal to a bowl, and add desired toppings (yogurt, nut butters, chocolate chips, etc).

When You Feel Like Crap

I recently experienced a few days long stretch where I felt like crap. Physically, I felt tired and heavy and lethargic. Mentally, I wasn't on my A-game. I didn't really want to be nice to people or even associate with them. It was like I'd woken up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed too many days in a row. When I woke up that Sunday morning, I really didn't want to do anything, but I felt convicted that I needed to take care of myself and try to keep going. How do I take care of myself when I feel like crap? For me, it often looks like living out my dad's adage, "Do the next right thing."

1) I make sure to read my Bible and get in my devotional time. It's possible that I feel like crap because I'm disconnected from God, or I am experiencing spiritual attack. In either case, I need to make sure I'm filling my mind with TRUTH and connecting to Holy Spirit power.

2) Eat good food. It's really tempting to either eat junk food or not eat when I feel yucky, especially physically. But eating junk or not eating isn't going to make me feel better. So I keep finding things that I can stomach. For me, that often looks like plain oatmeal, protein shakes, eggs, and fresh produce. Simple carbohydrates and proteins help recovery from lots of ailments. Fruits and veggies are full of good vitamins.

3) Rest. Sometimes the last thing I want to do when I feel crappy is rest. I'd rather do a bunch of stuff to distract myself, or try to do something that will make me feel worthwhile and valuable. But that's not really a good plan. So I sit on the floor and read or crochet or nap. A lot of the time, I do both.

4) Maintain perspective. This too shall pass, so I try to focus on getting through the day and not dwelling on the downs of it. Often, I spend a few minutes writing a list in my journal of what's going right.

5) Talk to a few people. Not everybody needs to know I'm struggling, but talking to family and close friends about how I feel helps. It also lets them know that if (or unfortunately when) I snap, it's not about them.

This is how I cope when I feel like crap, but what do you do? Please post your "next right thing" in the comments section below.

Salted Lemon Apple Oats

If you've perused my blog, you know that I'm into oats. It's hot and humid here because of Arizona's monsoon season, however, and lately a warm bowl of porridge hasn't sounded good. These, however, hit the spot.

If you're looking for a nice summer oatmeal recipe, this might be it. Fresh lemon + crisp apple + a nice topping of salt = summer bliss.

Ingredients:

1/2 c quick cooking oats
1 1/2 c water
1 apple, diced
1 T lemon juice
A sprinkle of coarse salt (I used red Hawaiian sea salt.)

Directions:

1. Bring oats, apple, and water to a boil and reduce heat to medium. 
2. Stir in lemon juice.
3. When oats reach desired consistency and apples are tender, transfer oatmeal to a bowl.
4. Top with a sprinkle of coarse salt and dig in.

I'm Still Eating Coconut Oil.

You might not be able to tell, but there's coconut oil on my pancake. 

Yes, I'm still eating it.

I've seen a lot of people freaking out over the American Heart Association's advisory against saturated fat (which I might note is about reducing all saturated fat, not just the kind in coconut oil). They're saying we shouldn't eat it, or at least that we should replace it with a "better fat." You know what? Coconut oil is my "better fat." I used to eat margarine and spreads with trans fat. And "they" said that wasn't good for you. I could see the logic, as trans fats are man made, so I decided to make a switch to a more natural, more "whole" food. (This is what I decided to do. You do what works for you.) I started with butter and didn't like the taste. Then somehow, I stumbled upon coconut oil, and the flavor grew on me. So I made the switch to coconut oil as my bread spread and baking oil (though sometimes I use olive oil if its flavor fits better with what I'm making.) And I liked it.

To be honest, I've only skimmed the American Heart Association article and I'm not dwelling on it because I've already made my decision about what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing because you know what's worse for me than coconut oil? Stress. If I really believe everything I read about food and health, there will be nothing to eat and more exercise than I could possibly do. I'm choosing to be content with my life and my current way of doing things. If you're convicted differently, great! But I'll take your coconut oil.

*Thanks to Emily Fonnesbeck for her article that inspired this post.

Authentic Living: Creative Expression

I got the urge to paint my toes bright green. I didn't know why. And I didn't even own neon green nail polish. So I bought some. Yes, it was a splurge. Yes, I bought a nail polish that was more expensive than some of the other options available. Yes, I might never use the nail polish again. Yes, I didn't need it in the physical sense.

But in the figurative, non-literal, self-care sense, I needed this. I needed to do something different. I needed to feel wild and crazy. I needed to indulge myself. 

I must admit that I initially felt a little bit guilty about this purchase, but then I realized that I spent a whole whopping $4. If I never use this nail polish again, but it met my intuitive need for authenticity on this day, it was worth it. (And I've rationalized my decision by telling myself that pedicures cost a lost more than $4. Pedicures aren't wrong either, just not what I needed on this day of life.) This is my form of creative expression, who I am in this moment. I'm embracing it. I'm embracing life.

Afghan 52

My dear friend and former roommate gifted me with a book of crochet patterns entitled Sarah's Stitches for Christmas 2011. I didn't use it for a little bit, as I was a creature of habit and always made the same afghans over and over again. But then this same dear friend told me about the importance of changing routines for brain plasticity, memory, and preventing dementia. So I started trying to see how many new afghan patterns I could try.

With my hand issues, I can only crochet about three rows a day, but that's still something. And the hand issues have forced me to accept imperfections and move on. Praise the Lord, this make's the sixth afghan I've completed from the book.

So without further adieu, here's afghan 52, the Antarctic pattern from Berroco, made with all the scrap yarn I could find in my stores, as well as Red Heart's soft navy acrylic yarn:

Eustress vs. Distress

"You're a lot less stressed at this job than the last one." Mom said. And you know what? She's right. I started this job about a month ago and I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. But it's a different kind of stress than before.

My old job was a good one. I had talented, driven, passionate coworkers. I had a nice stand-up desk in my office, a window with an outside view, daily time outdoors, good medical and retirement benefits, etc. But the job wasn't me. I found myself constantly striving, trying to fit a mold, longing to be my authentic self in counseling, but not being able to do it.

There are two kids of stress: distress (the bad kind) and eustress (the good kind). Distress results from pressure I'm not able to deal with. It yields overwhelming gloom, helplessness, and in serious cases, hopelessness. There's no way out and the body's response is fight, flight or freeze.

Eustress is the good kind of stress, the stress that makes me aware, helps me learn, pushes me to become a better person. So far, this new job is a fit for me. It allows me to meet with and help people. It puts me out in the community. It provides opportunities to work towards professional counseling licensure. It teaches me about life and people.

Yes, I'm stressed. I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like. I struggle to shut down my mind and rest. But the stress I'm experiencing is good. Therefore, I'm choosing to thank God for the stress, even if what I'd really like is a nice calm life.

Authentic Living: Clothing

I bought new clothes a few Sundays ago. I haven't bought new clothes since, I don't know...last fall? I think I bought a coat and some yoga pants then. That Sunday? I bought three shirts (hello Target 3 for $20 sale) and a pair of long back yoga pants. It was hard for me. 

I don't like clothes shopping for a lot of reasons. First, I have to reconcile spending the money (which the Lord has given me, but which I often feel guilty using for myself). Second, I have to deal with choosing the clothes. Some people think it's easy to be a smaller size, and I know that thin privilege does exist, but I have to confess that I'm not comfortable in my body a lot of the time. Contrary to popular opinion, not all clothes look good on you when you're thin. They sag and gap and hang in all the wrong places. I also feel self-conscious wearing clothes that expose a lot of my long, gangly arms and legs. Finding clothes that cover me is difficult. Third, I recognize that I am "small" for my size, so I always want to buy clothes that are too big for me, arguing that I'll "grow into them." I want to buy for the future so that I won't have to experience the pain of getting rid of clothes that get too small.

But you know what? When I buy clothes that don't fit, I'm not living authentically. I'm not living in the now.  I recognize that I probably "should" gain weight to be a more healthy size, but this is where I am for today. So I'm embracing it and buying clothes that fit. Then I can enjoy wearing them and not leave them hanging in my closet. And if and when these clothes don't fit, I'll have to acknowledge that pain, process it, and purchase more clothes. Maybe Target will have another sale....

The Great Big Burrito Search

Some of you probably saw my recent Instagram post about digging Mexican food. Yeah, I've been craving it lately. But I'm also on a personal mission to find the best burrito in town.

Before you get too excited, I should clarify that I'm pretty picky about my burritos. I want a bean burrito without cheese. (I like cheese, but not with beans.) I don't label myself vegetarian, but I'm not a big fan of meat, or the spices used on meat at Mexican restaurants. So I'm looking for a bean or vegetable burrito. I like avocados, but only in chocolate banana pudding, so hold the avocado and guacamole. (Plain avocado tastes soapy to me.) Enough criteria? Okay, okay. Moving on to the burritos, here I'll review each burrito's ingredients, tortilla, price, and overall flavor. Then I'll give a star rating. I am a BIG fan of salsa, so restaurants with good salsa get extra points!

1 star: Blah. I wouldn't go here for a burrito again.

2 stars: Okay, but not overly flavorful, or having some off-putting element 

3 stars: Getting there, but lacking some of my favorite flavor components.

4 stars: Yum! I'd go here again.

5 stars: The perfect veggie burrito. (I'm not sure this exists.)

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Garcia's (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, topped with red enchilada sauce and a side of lettuce and tomato.

Tortilla: Run-of-the-mill food service.

Price: Don't remember, but I thought it was too much.

Flavor: Lacking. I took most of this home to doctor up. After adding chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder, and more salsa, it was decent.

Overall: 1 star

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Oliva's Mexican Food (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, with red enchilada sauce on top and a side of lettuce, tomato, and an olive.

Tortilla: Likely traditional food service. Large and soft, but nothing special.

Price: $7.50 for an a la carte burrito

Flavor: Decent when I added salsa.The beans were a bit liquidy, though, and the enchilada sauce was too plentiful.

Overall: 2 stars

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Plaza Bonita (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, with red enchilada sauce on top. I asked Dad for his pico de gallo, too.

Tortilla: On the small side and tough enough to have come from a store-bought package.

Price: I don't know. Dad paid for this burrito as my birthday dinner.

Flavor: Great!

Overall: 3 stars for the burrito, but knocked down to 2 stars because of poor service. If I ordered this again, I'd order to go.

Vegetarian burrito (no avocado or olives) at Cafe 51 (Ahwatukee, Arizona)

Ingredients: Lettuce, tomatoes, chopped bell peppers, and cilantro, with sides of sour cream and salsa

Tortilla: Not homemade, but extra-large, flaky, and soft

Price: $6.39

Flavor: Excellent, given that this burrito contained no beans. The cilantro balanced perfectly with the veggies.

Overall: 3 stars

Vegetable burrito (no guacamole) at Alfonso's Mexican Food (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Rice, beans (refried with a few whole pinto beans), green pepper, onion, and pico de gallo).

Tortilla: Definitely homemade, or at least cooked fresh on the grill! Thick and hearty, but a bit crispy in places.

Price: $4.95

Flavor: A little bland, but authentic. The peppers and onions were crisply sauteed, which I appreciated.

Extras: Salsa bar with red and green enchilada sauce and three types of salsa, plus radishes, limes, and pickled carrots and peppers.

Overall: 4 stars

Veggie burrito at Riliberto's (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans, rice, lettuce, tomato, and some kind of sauce (possibly avocado based, but I didn't mind it).

Tortilla: HUGE! (I could only eat half of this burrito). Probably food service.

Price: $5.99

Flavor: Excellent! The sauce added good flavor and the balance of fresh lettuce and tomatoes to beans and rice was excellent.

Extras: Salsa bar with red and green salsa, a green sauce, and a creamy red sauce, plus some pickled vegetables. I went back probably five times for more.

Overall: 4 stars

Veggie wrap (no avocado) at Sweet Potato Cafe Restaurant (Prescott, Arizona)

Ingredients: Black beans, tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, and chipotle sauce. This isn't technically a burrito, but it had similar ingredients. 

Tortilla: Factory made, but soft

Price: $7.99

Flavor: Not a traditional bean burrito, but great as a wrap

Extras: Served with excellent sweet potato fries!

Overall: 3 stars as a burrito, 4 stars as a wrap

Veggie burrito at Los Taquitos (Ahwatukee, Arizona) 

Ingredients: Super smooth refried beans and rice (mixed together) with tomatoes, peppers, onions, potatoes, cilantro, and pico de gallo.

Tortilla: Possibly homemade. Soft and yummy where wrapped around the burrito, but a bit hard on the edges.

Flavor: Excellent! I didn't even need to add salsa.

Extras: The red and green sauces pictured were spicy and bitter. Luckily, I only tried them on the end of my burrito, and the burrito itself tasted better without them.

Price: $5.00

Overall: 4 stars

Winner so far? Alfonso's!

Arizona friends, what other burritos do you recommend I try?

Authentic Living: Makeup

My parents bought and allowed me to wear makeup after I turned 16. For a while, I was ascetic and didn't use it. Then I really got into the light blue eye shadow and the glitter. As a senior, my friend showed me how to wear liquid foundation and I enjoyed Thursdays, the day I didn't have early bird and could spend more time on my hair and makeup. Next came college, when I wore makeup most of the time and usually only didn't wear it when I felt crappy about myself.

Fast forward to my early work days and then a Mary Kay party that taught me how to better care for my skin, and how to best apply foundation (with a brush, hello!). But somewhere in there, I stopped liking wearing makeup so much. I felt self conscious that makeup would make my face look splotchy, like in this photo:

In grad school, I only wore makeup and dressed up on days that I had clients. I believed they would respect me more if I did. On days I didn't have clients, and on church days, I skipped the makeup. Slowly but sure, I wore less and less. I got to where I didn't want to wear makeup, where I felt inauthentic wearing it. But I wore it anyway.

This past year, I wore makeup every.single.day to work because I worked with high schoolers and thought I needed it to show that I was older and more mature than them. I really hated it. Towards the end, I started just wearing mascara, cover-up, and a little bronzer, and it felt right.

My mom and I had a discussion that wearing no makeup at all seems very noticeable (since makeup is a societal norm), but that maybe I could wear less. So I've continued on with the foundation as a cover up under my eyes and on red spots, a little bronzer, and my favorite Maybelline mascara. With this heat, less makeup has been a blessing, as foundation isn't dripping off my face or smearing on my phone or getting any other place it shouldn't be.

Might my makeup tastes change? Yes, and they probably will. But that's okay. For the present, this is me, where I am, and the makeup I wear.