Lent is Hard.

We're midway through Lent, more or less. And can I just say that fasting* for Lent is hard? I mean, I know it's not meant to be easy, but I always forget how hard it actually is.

Fasting is hard because I feel sadness and loss. I don't have to fast, but I choose to fast in order to understand Jesus' sacrifice more. Fasting makes me realize how much Jesus went through, and then I see that my chosen losses pale in comparison to what Jesus went through. He gave up his perfect sinless life for my sin! I have nothing in comparison to offer. And that is the point. In practicing Lent, I remember the gravity of Jesus' atonement.

Fasting is hard because I see the things I fast from often. This reminds of my privilege, and of my sins of ingratitude. Jesus dying for my sins is more than I deserve. How I can ignore his blessings is beyond me, and yet part of the sinful nature constantly at work within me. Lent increases my appreciation of God's blessings, at least for a time.

Fasting is hard because it feels so long. But how long must it have felt for Jesus who lived years on the earth knowing his destiny? What about the road to the cross and all the agony Jesus endured? Jesus was longsuffering through it all.

Fasting is hard because it exposes my sin nature. It exposes my pride, my desire for self-gratification, my tendency to justify and rationalize my own actions, and more. I don't like seeing these things, but these are some of the many reasons I need Jesus.

Lent is about focusing on the cross. As one person put it recently, in everything we do for Lent, we should ask, "How does this make the cross of Christ bigger?" For me, fasting during Lent does make the cross bigger. I don't like the hard, but I need the hard. I need to realize how big the cross is, and how big the sin Jesus took there for me is. I need to realize how hard it was for Jesus to die there. I need to realize how hard it is for me to give up my sin, and yet how much I need to do it. As I fast, may the hard drive me to the cross, for only there can I find strength to do all the hard things God calls me to do.

Reference:

Downs, A. F. (Host). (2022, January 24). She Reads Truth + Lent 2022! (Episode 359). [Audio podcast episode]. In That sounds fun. https://www.anniefdowns.com/podcast/episode-359-she-reads-truth-lent-2022/

*Note: I never fast completely during Lent. Rather, I fast from a food (or foods), media, habits, or other things.

Idolatry: The Rhythm of My Sinful Heart

Idols. They can be graven images. Baby Buddhas. Ceramic statues. And they can also be matters of the heart. Things I set my eyes on instead of Jesus. Good things that become ultimate things. Freedom, security, comfort. Rhythms I am supposed to seek with God, but instead look for in earthly things or earthly people. Oh, how guilty my heart is of idolatry!

God gives many good and precious gifts. He is the creator and originator of these gifts (James 1:17). When my heart turns towards the gift and not the giver, though, these things become idols. It is good to work hard, and to chase good things for God's glory (Col 3:17, 23). Oh how easily my heart turns astray to chase these things instead of Jesus, however. Comfort is a good thing. God is perfect peace (Isa 26:3). Far too easily, however, comfort becomes an idol (TerKeurst, 2021). There are many good things we have in Christ, but I must never let them surpass God, and how easily they can in my fallen sinful state.

Thanks be to God, he is not finished with his work in me (Phil 1:6). He is driving out the idols little by little, and ever filling their space in my life with his completely satisfying self (Deut 7:22). The Spirit ever convicts me, even as the world continues to throw itself at me. Because I am a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17), I don't have to sin when I am tempted (Bridges, 2012). Idolatry is my old nature. Worship of God is the new way. May the Spirit ever attune my heart to the Lord so that my life may not sing the praises of this world, but of the God who saved me from such a world as this.

Reference:

Bridges, J. (2012). Who am I? Identity in Christ. Cruciform Press.

TerKeurst, L. (2021, August 12). When comfort is my enemy. Proverbs 31 Ministries. https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2021/08/12/when-comfort-is-my-enemy

Simple Cooking

We mostly cook from scratch at our house. We usually eat meals twice (and pretty much all of our food is "leftover," because I prep it in advance). We like more complex cooking, but when time is tight and stress is high, we fall back on basics and just go simple. Simple cooking is definitely a skill in our tool box. Here are some reasons why it works for us:

1) Simple cooking saves money. We keep can shop for sales on the things we eat regularly and stock up, knowing we will use them.

2) Simple cooking reduces waste. The less we have in the house, the more we use up what we have. Fewer things get pushed to the back of the cupboard, fridge or freezer (though they still do!). 

3) Simple cooking reduces decision fatigue. We pick a staple and go. We don't have to go searching for ways to use up random ingredients we bought for special recipes.

4) Simple cooking gives me more time to focus on a few "fun" items, like baking challenges, food holidays, making gifts for others, etc.

5) Simple cooking makes the special more special. Our taste buds recognize when things are more complex. We enjoy splurge purchases. Going out to eat is a treat.

Every meal could be gourmet (depending on resources), but it's not at our house. We often choose simple cooking. It's best for our and our priorities, right now, and overall. Maybe it's a skill to add to your toolbox, too. Consider our reasons and see if it is worth a try.

Struggle: A Matter of Perspective

Life is a struggle. Maybe not always. Maybe not forever. But it's hard, or at least has hard parts. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. As much as I want the hard to go away, I don't think it's beneficial to focus there. What I need to do more is learn how to work with the struggle, to cope in the struggle, to work through the struggle.

If you have read this blog for awhile, you know I am into running. It can be hard. I can struggle. While listening to Boston Marathon champ Des Linden (2021) on the Clean Sport Collective, though, I heard her say something to the extent of, "Who am I when it's rough?" That gave me pause. What if, instead of trying to avoid the struggle, I welcomed it as an opportunity to assess my character? What if I saw it as a chance to growth my character? Instead of trying to make struggle go away, maybe I could allow it to teach me.

If I accepted that life has rough parts, maybe I could learn to deal with them better, too. Ben Stuart (2022) in That Sounds Fun, asked, "If life is a struggle, how can I struggle well?" That also gave me reason to think. If I accept struggle, I can change my focus to struggling well, to coping well, to struggling though.

Life is a struggle. Life has struggle. I really think dealing with it is a matter of perspective. May God equip me with his power to have it and act on it.

Reference:

Downs, A. F. (Host). (2022, January 27). Ben Stuart + Rest & War (Episode 360). [Audio podcast episode]. In That sounds fun. https://www.anniefdowns.com/podcast/episode-360-ben-stuart-rest-war/

Goucher, K., Burnette, S., and McClung, C. (Hosts). (2021, October 25). Catching up with Des Linden (No. 97). [Audio podcast episode]. In Clean sport collective. https://podcasts.apple.com/lk/podcast/episode-97-catching-up-with-des-linden/id1466187704?i=1000539691655

I Can Only Change Me.

I can only change me. Try as I might to exert my will, my way, it doesn't work. What I want might seem to be best, but what do I know? Only God knows. I can only change me.

Jesus talked about judging others when he walked the earth. "'Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?'" He asked (Matt 7:4, New International Version). "'How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye'" (vv. 4-5). I have a LOT of planks in my own eyes: failings, fallings, falterings, and just plain human weaknesses. So who am I to judge? Expending my energy on someone else is not going to change anything. I can only change me.

Sometimes, it seems that my own weaknesses and fears are actually what sensitize me to judging, too. As Lisa Bevere shares about her own marriage in her book, Unrivaled, "[His] imperfections were exposing mine on a much grander scale than I imagined possible." I think that is the case with a lot of relationships. Their failings expose mine, and in big ways. I cannot change them, though. I can only change me.

It's hard, even painful, to realize that I have so many failings, that I have so little control. By God-given design, though, I do have some control. I have control over myself through the power of the Holy Spirit. I can only change me. God can only change me. May it be so.

References:

Bevere, L. Without rival: Embrace your identity and purpose in an age of confusion and comparison. Revell.

Why I Sometimes Choose to Do Hard Things

I have to do hard things, like things I am not good at. Sometimes they're just a flop. Sometimes I fail, like really fail.  Sometimes I surprise myself and actually succeed. But I have to do them. Why? In short, It's good for me.

I always need to be learning and growing and progressing. (If I don't, I'm stagnant.) Hard things require me to risk a little, to reach further. I'm not saying that I try to be a pro. I'm just trying to grow.

I need fun in my life. I need to play. I need to be silly, to be an amateur. Life is so serious. There are plenty of hard, hard things that I don't choose. Choosing a few hard things...for fun is a good reminder that hard things are not all bad.

I am also a terrible perfectionist. Try as I might to grow out of it, it always crops up its ugly head. Trying hard things, and failing, forces me to practice my coping skills. It forces me to accept the imperfections. Sometimes my trying really yields an okay result, but I am not satisfied. I have to learn to live with this reality. There is room for self-critique, and growth, but sometimes, I just need to accept things.

So when it comes to hard things, what kind of things am I talking about? Here's a short list of some hard things that I choose to do for my own good (or at least most of the time, for my own good):

• Training for and running races
• The monthly baking challenge from Sally's Baking Recipes
• Weekly Yogi See Yogi Do Crew poses
• Writing (e.g. this blog)

I am not really good at any of these things. In fact, all of them expose my imperfections. All of them grow me, too though (at least right now). I get some joy out of these hard things. When I nail them (or get close-remember, there isn't perfect), I am ecstatic. And hopefully, the world gets something out of watching me, and God gets the glory for that. After all, Christ chose to do the hardest thing, die on the cross for the sins of the world, out of love. That's a kind of love worth emulating, worth choosing, but SO hard!

Real Life Marriage: I'd Do It Again.

Here we are again: our engagement anniversary. Only three more months until three years of marriage, and how time has flown. Three years is a short time when you are into your third decades of life, but when it comes to marriage, it's also a long time. My husband and I are different people than when we were single. That does and doesn't make sense, but it's true. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I said, "Yes," but then again, I know what I was thinking: that it would be a privilege to be his wife, and it is. It is also a lot different than I expected.

My husband has changed. I have changed. Or maybe we really haven't changed. Maybe we have just gotten to know each other at deeper levels, bringing out things we never knew about each other, maybe things we never knew about ourselves. A coworker of mine told me that he and his wife received premarital advice that marriage is like learning to fall in love with a stranger over and over again, because stages of life can make strangers of spouses. I see some truth in that.

I would still say, "Yes" again, though. Yes to the bumpy ride. Yes to the conflicts. Yes to the frustration when we can't seem to communicate. Yes to the mountaintop (some literally!) moments. Yes to the shared fun. Yes to the enjoyment of doing life together. Singleness was hard, too, and I wouldn't want to go back there. I wouldn't want to go into marriage with anyone other than my husband, either.

I know now what I didn't know then, and yet I'd do it again.

God has a plan, and I trust in it.

Marriage is now my commitment.

I didn't know then, but I know now, God is in this somehow.

Highs and lows, marriage is what we chose. 

My, "Yes," is my "Yes," to God regardless of those.

I'd do it again; I'll do it again, not if, but when

I'm asked to say, "Yes," but only to loving this one,

Through salvation, my heart was bought; in marriage, my heart is won.

What Do I Want More?

There are a lot of things in life that I want. Those things take resources: time, money, relationship investment, etc. Conversely, there are a lot of things that I don't want to do, but that lead to something I do want. In both scenarios, I have to ask, "What do I want more?"

When it comes to limited resources, I have to prioritize. There is enough time...for everything that is priority. I can do anything, but not everything. So sometimes I have to choose if I want to go for that run, or sleep. Sometimes I have to choose if I want to make a fancy dinner, or just eat simply so I can do something else. I have to decide if I want down time, or people time. With the time I have, what do I want most?

Money does not grow on trees, I mean the paper does, but the money doesn't. I can't just reach out and pick it. This is why we budget. We try to direct our money, first toward what we need (housing, food, utilities, etc.), and then toward what we want. We even have budget categories for our own wants, one for each of us individually, a vacation fun, and a date night fund. When times are scarce, those categories get less (or no) money, but when we can, we contribute. Even then, we have to decided what we want to do more with the money, because it is not endless.

There are lots of lovely people in the world, but not time to be close to them all. I also have a spouse. When it comes down to limited time and energy, what do I want more? A close marriage? Close friends? A lot of friends? Sometimes with people, the answer is not clear cut. Still, I have to ask, "What do I want more?"

Some things in life take work, too. I don't often want to clean the house, but I want the house to be tidy. I don't want to cook a ton of food on Friday for meal prep, but I want to eat during the week. I don't want to get up early to fuel before I run, but I'll feel better if I do. For that matter, I don't always want to work hard in training for my races, but I benefit if I do. In those hard moments, I have to ask myself what I really want more.

Asking, "What do I want more?" pertains to faith, too. Following God is rarely easy. Do I want my will, or his will? In my marriage, do I want my way, or God's way? When it comes to my work, do I want to do what I think, or what the Spirit tells me? Do I want disobedience or obedience more? Maybe a better question is, "What does God want more?"

I can't have it all. What do I want more? What more is right in this season might not be right in the next. I need wisdom. I need God's wisdom. Ultimately, I want His more for my life, and that requires continually asking for and seeking it.

Good Wife/Godly Wife

"Help me to be a good wife." This is a regular prayer of mine. I pray it when I am happy. I pray it when I am sad. I pray it at home. I pray it driving along the road. As I prayed it recently, though, the Spirit convicted me with the question, "Do you want to be a good wife, or a godly wife?"

A good wife is a designation of my own definition. Something I long to be, but seem to never seem to quite achieve. I want to bless my husband, give him all he needs, and more, never be a burden, and maybe even be someone of which my husband is proud. Instead, I am anxious, angry, weak, and generally not what I want to be, a far cry from the good wife of my dreams.

That's just the thing, though. My definition of what it means to be good is mine. It isn't my husband. It isn't God's. So what does it mean to be a godly wife? Well, that I need to figure out. I am not here on this earth to be good. Jesus was that. Because of Jesus, I am here to be godly.

To be godly, I must love God first. Having "no other gods before me" means idolizing neither my husband nor my definition of what it means to be good (Ex 20:3, New International Version [NIV]). It means loving God first, and not living for the pleasure of man, even if that man is my husband and I really do desire to bless him.

Being a godly wife means living according to God's created order. That means submitting to my husband (Eph 5:22; Col 3:18; 1 Pet 3:1). Sometimes this submission means not doing the "good," I want to do, ceasing striving, and resting according to my husband's requests, as he seeks to follow the Lord and guide me in how I live.

Choosing godliness means putting my husband first, instead of selfishly attending to my own desires. This requires humility and a recognition that I simply cannot do it all (Phil 2:3-4). My desire to be good can get selfish when I seek to be good instead of asking and listening to what my husband wants and needs.

Being a godly wife means letting God define my worth. It requires humble submission to my husband and the truth he speaks to me. It means praying more for God's glory and focusing less on my definition of good. It requires a bit of a mind shift, one not quite done, but one that is in progress. May "he who began a good work in [me] carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Phil 1:6).