Three R's for Rekindling Romance

When do the honeymoon feelings end? The time differs for every couple. I can't pinpoint when they ended for me, but I can say that I have reached the point where love is a commitment as much as a feeling. I love my husband, as I said I always would, but sometimes I have to work at the feelings part.

I am accountable for loving my husband whether I feel in love or not. When the feelings are there, though, it makes the loving actions easier. To that end, I have started monitoring things that help me feel love towards my husband, because sometimes I need to intentionally do them.

Recall. I have lists everywhere of things I appreciate about my husband. (I have heard this idea from both Gary Chapman and Gary Smalley in their books and podcasts, but don't have specific references.) I review these lists often, and they help me remember why I feel in love.

Reminisce. Looking back at photos from our dating and engagement period gives me the butterflies. I always feel special when my husband tells others our dating story. Sometimes I go and re-read the stories we wrote for our wedding website (which a friend printed and posted in a shadow box for us). 

Relate. A lot of times in marriage, we just do business. We have bills to pay, laundry to fold, events to attend. We spend time together, but in doing, not in being. We need times to just enjoy one another's presence. I think this is the reason people suggest the 2-2-2 rule ["Every 2 weeks, go out for the evening. Every 2 months, go out for the weekend. Every 2 years, go out for a week (Streit, 2017)]. The specifics don't work for every couple, but making time for intentional relationship is important.

We don't get forever with honeymoon feelings. Research says they can last a maximum of 2.5 years (Lorber, Heyman, & O'Leary, 2015). When we commit to marriage, though, we do get a lifetime of choosing romance. We can be intentional about kindling and rekindling romance to that end.

References:

Lorber, M. F., Erlanger, A. C., Heyman, R. E., & O'Leary, K. D. (2015). The honeymoon effect: does it exist and can it be predicted?. Prevention science : the official journal of the Society for Prevention Research, 16(4), 550–559. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11121-014-0480-4

Streit, L. (2017, April 17). The simple 2-2-2- rule could be the key to keeping romance alive in your relationship. Simplemost. https://www.simplemost.com/2-2-2-rule-keep-romance-alive-relationships/

Catering to Our Strengths

We have somewhat of a rhythm in our house. I get up early and turn on the coffee pot. I try to have breakfast dishes out and work lunches mostly packed. I exercise, write in my journal, and get ready for the day. My husband rises a little later. Then we join together for breakfast. In the evening, it's the opposite. He sets out dinner for us when I get home. He also graciously does the dishes after dinner. I'm more of a lark. He's more of a night owl. Our daily schedule therefore mostly works for us, as it caters to our strengths.

Unintentionally or intentionally, we try to divide other tasks by strengths as well. I am more of a planner, so I tend to handle details for things that need to be done in advance. He's great spur-of-the-moment, so he comes up with last minute plans. He also solves problems, as crises are not my strong suit. I sort the clothes by washing type. He handles the technology in the house. Speaking for myself, I am kind of afraid of his task. He's definitely more skilled at it!

Not all of our tasks get divided by strengths, however. Some things just have to be done. In fact, my husband does quite a few household things that I would like to do, but can't do, due to time. Those tasks become a joint effort, and a joint strength, because we cross them off the list together.

I believe in gender roles. Really, I do. A lot of things, though, I believe are purple (a phrase I heard on a podcast, the name of which I don't remember), that is, not male or female, but just tasks. I think it behooves and benefits us to divide those tasks by strengths where we can. Big or small, it accentuates the best in each of us, and makes each of us more content. The better each of us are, the better our marriage is, so catering to our individual strength is really catering to our strength as a team. To God be the glory.

What Matters

Too many things in my life are urgent. I'm having that reckoning. My husband's been telling me this for a long time, but I guess the message is finally starting to register. I live in a state of urgency, about everything. The problem is, not everything matters.

The blog How Sweet Eats recommended some Lazy Genius podcasts recently, and being the podcast junkie that I am, I tuned in. The content of the podcasts were helpful, but the tag line got me: "Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't." I act like everything matters. Some things just don't. They can't because this life is one of finite resources.

I hate the term, "lazy." I don't think it fits with the Christian ethic of hard work as unto the Lord (Col 3:17, 23-24). Priorities, though. Those are what matters. Paul writes in Colossians 3:2, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things" (New International Version, 2011). Matthew writes, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matt 6:21). When my heart is on everything here on earth, my mind is definitely not on things above. When I make everything urgent, I act like this earth is my sole treasure, and that I am not responsible for protecting it. I am not. 

King David in the Old Testament had a lot on his plate. Measuring by the externals, he had a lot more than I do to worry about. He ruled over kingdoms that had been divided. He had trouble in his family. He owned a lot of stuff. Still, he could write, "The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it" (Ps 24:1). He could still his heart and tell himself the truth. From that place, he could rely on the Lord to work towards the life he believed God wanted for Him.

I can do this, too. I may not be able to the have the life I want in earthly terms, but I can watch and wait for God's direction. I can start to ask what matters, and what doesn't. I can start making my treasure in heaven, rather than on earth.

I can't have the life I want. I said I surrendered this when I chose to follow Jesus. If I want to choose to continue to follow Jesus, I need to say with Paul, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Gal 2:20). I have life with Christ. That is what matters. 

Watching and Waiting with Expectancy

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (New International Version, 2011, Ps 27:14).

I heard a great podcast the other day about hope. Jess Connolly (2022), the host, talked about expecting, versus expectancy. It got me thinking about waiting, and how we can wait for what we want to happen, or wait for God. There's a big difference.

When we foster expectations, we watch for certain things to happen. We're tunnel vision. We celebrate when that thing happens, or we get impatient because it isn't happening, or grief-stricken when it doesn't. We get stuck on specifics, and can often miss the forest for the trees. Expectations aren't all bad. Having specific goals helps us take action steps to get there. It's not all bad to want, watch, and wait for certain things. When those things become our everything, though, we can get greatly disappointed.

Waiting with expectancy, however, means looking for God to work. It means watching for how he might work, versus looking for something specific. It means looking up, rather than horizontally at our circumstances. It allows us to catch things that we might not otherwise see. It increases our faith, rather than our fear.

By way of personal anecdote, I remember how badly I wanted to me married post graduate school. I had watched and I had waited, and I had finally given up. I remember so badly wanting community and asking friends to pray for it. Not knowing what community would look like, and waiting on God to work, I started watching for community opportunities. I did worship team at church. I joined friends for lunch. I went to the (post)-college group. I loosened my grip on some of the tightly held beliefs I had about friendships, how to make them, and how to have them. When things started working out with my husband, it wasn't because I had waited in expectation for him. It was because God, in his mercy, had allowed me to see him moving me back in the direction of marriage, even as I no longer waited for it.

Watching and waiting with expectancy versus expectation are hard. It's difficult to let go of the specifics and look for God. It's hard to let go of what we want and accept whatever work God wants to do. Maybe God will mercifully grant our wishes. Maybe he won't. If we believe God's ways are best, though, we have to trust. We have to expect him to show up, and name it when he does. Because ultimately, we're waiting for him to return. We can have that as an expectation because the Bible says it. Other that that, we just have to wait, wait on the Lord, and let him renew our strength (Isa 40:31).

References:

Connolly, J. (2022, May 22). Hope will not put you to shame. (No. 148) [Audio podcast episode]. In Go and Tell Gals. https://www.goandtellgals.com/podcast-episodes/2022/05/26/episode-148

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist

What I Can Change

There's a lot of things in life I would like to change right now. Most of these things I can't change. My husband likes to say that he can't change the situation, but he can change his attitude about it. I'm not even sure I can do that. I have a lot of emotions, and too often, they can get the best of me. I have realized one thing I can change, though. I can change the direction of my thoughts.

When there are things I would like to change, I usually ruminate on them. I think about how unfair it is that the things won't change. Or I dream of what life might look like if the things do change. Or I blame someone (or myself) for the situation. None of these trains of thought are helpful. They just entrench my sadness and anger and anxiety. The emotions overwhelm me and can lead me to states of near (or actual) panic.

As I have learned more about attachment, I have realized that God is the only true security I have in this life. He is my refuge (Psalm 16:1). I can rely on Him no matter how life or life's situations change. Therefore, I have been seeking to direct my thoughts towards Him. When things come up that I would like to change, things I would like to be different, I am choosing to think about God fulfills my longings for security. I am endeavoring to meditate on God as my perfect helper, God as my peace, God as the one who always approves of me (because of Jesus!). Ultimately, nothing I can do in this life really matters. Jesus changed the world, and thinking of Him matters, and helps my life matter.

Directing my thoughts towards God and His attributes does not change situations. It does not change my emotions. I still feel them, all of them. Thinking of God and His perfection, though, disrupts my negative thought spiral. It keeps my brain out of panic mode because I am reminded of my eternal safety in Christ. It helps me look less towards people to meet my needs and more towards God.

Have I perfectly initiated this change of thought pattern? No, but it's a change that I know I can make with the Holy Spirit's help. I've tried a lot of quick fixes before. This one, I hope is permanent, because it directs me to the One who cannot change. Secure in Him, I pray I weather changes better, however and whenever they may come in this life.

Real Life Marriage: Talk Time

My now-husband and I spent a lot of time talking when we were dating. He would come over and sit on the couch of my parents' house with me and we'd talk about work, or life, or Scripture. I'd go to his house and we'd do silly personality tests, or talk about friendships, or current events, or who knows what. We did a lot of talking during our engagement, too. We had our premarital curriculum to discuss, plus we had lengthy conversations with our marriage mentors. Then we got married. We still talk a lot, but not about the same things.

In marriage, we talk a lot about business. We talk about our schedules. We talk about our commitments. We talk about chores. We talk about when to see friends. We talk about travel. We talk about bills, and school, and jobs. What we don't talk about a lot is our hearts. Sure, we check in from time to time. To be frank, I explode from time to time and then have to have heart-to-hearts with Jesus, myself, and my husband. But otherwise, we don't make time for connection like we used to.

At the end of the day, or the end of the week, or the end of the month, when we're tired and exhausted and just want rest, it's easy to retreat to our own corners. Or if we're together, it's easy to throw on our favorite show (currently The Great British Baking Show). It's good, and rest is good, but it's not connecting in the same way.

Life has forced us to make time for some hard conversations lately. Conversations with tears and frustration. Conversations that don't really seem to make a dent in our problems. Conversations that end without resolution. Conversations that I hope propel us forward, but the results of which I don't see just yet. Conversations we probably should have had before now, but just let lie until they became urgent.

I'm going to argue that people need to make more time to talk in marriage, not just at the service level, but at the heart level. We haven't quite figured out how to do that regularly yet, but we've figured out that marital health necessitates it. Maybe some of you readers have figured out talk time. If you have, let us know. If anyone else out there is like us, though, know that the need for time to talk is valid. We'll be working on finding it with you.

The Flag Cake Tradition

Making flag cake for Fourth of July is a tradition in our family. When did it start? I couldn't really remember, until I went back through photo albums looking for evidence and found this:

(Yes, we once took photos on film and printed them to put in books!)

Officially, based on this photo, we have been making the cake for 26 years!

I can't remember exactly where we found the flag cake recipe, but by my best recollection, I discovered it in the weekly magazine insert that came with the Sunday newspaper (you know, the one with all the celebrity gossip and glossy photos). I believe the original recipe was a collaboration between Cool-Whip and Sara Lee. Kraft has since taken over the recipe. Whether we made it according to recipe or not that first time, I am not sure, but obviously, we made it.

What exactly is flag cake? It's pretty simple: pound cake made in loaf tins and cut into slices, which are laid on the bottom of a 9 x 13 pan, covered with blueberries, strawberries, and Cool-Whip, and then topped with more berries to form a flag. It's kind of like a trifle, but a whole lot easier.

We've changed the ways we have made the cake over the years. Most of the time, Mom makes her own special pound cake recipe. We switched from Cool Whip to Dream Whip at some point. (Technically, we could probably make our own whipped cream using heavy cream.) My brothers make their own versions of the cake with their family and friends. (I have helped make the cake with Mom, but never actually made it alone.) The components of the cake matter less than the tradition of making it.

How, when, and why we eat flag cake changes. We ate it early this year since we would not be with my parents for the actual Fourth of July. It's a tradition, though, something special my family does to commemorate times and seasons. For me, flag cake has special significance, as it has become part of not only celebrating America's birthday, but my return to Arizona. For as long as we live here, I'll celebrate, and even if, or when, we move away, we can still carry on, because sometimes repeating the simple things is what makes them the most significant, regardless of what they mean at that particular time. So with that, here's to many more years of the flag cake tradition and what it means to my family.

Six.

While running around town the other day, I felt a squeeze of anxiety. "I really like it here," I thought. "What happens when we move?" We own our condo. We have no plans to move. I've moved enough times in my life, though, that it's always a thought. That thought can keep me from being present, though.

“Wherever you are, be all there!" Jim Elliot said (Good Reads, n.d.). Man do I need that reminder! I've been back in Arizona six years, and though I still struggle in lots of life, I can honestly say that I would rather be no place else. Yes, it's hot in the desert. Yes, we get little rain. Yes, the sun is bright. I like most of it, most of the time, though. I want to enjoy it for as long as God allows me to be here.

Post COVID lockdown, we are getting out more. We spent our staycation being tourists in our own town, and it was awesome. We're trying to build trying some new restaurants into our budget. It's good, all good for the most part. I just have to live in the good, enjoy the good, and not let the "What if's?" creep in.

In the latter part of his quote, Jim Elliot is reported to have said. "Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God (Good Reads, n.d.). I believe that where we are now is the will of God. For how long, I don't know, but for now, I am confident about where I am. God brought me back home, and this home is a blessing. I want to enjoy it now, for however long this is my now. To God be the glory!

Reference:

Good Reads. (n.d.). Jim Elliot > Quotes > Quotable Quote. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/12747-wherever-you-are-be-all-there-live-to-the-hilt