The Importance of Play for Adults

How often do adults tell kids to, "Go play?" And yet, adults struggle to find time to do so themselves. Play is important, for adults, too!

Play is important for an adult's identity. So much of an adult's life focuses around work and productivity. Play is time for fun, and for the sake of fun. "Play is apparently purposeless," writes Brene Brown (2010), and maybe that is part of how it serves its purpose, to help people become more sure and certain of themselves without productivity metrics. “But play is serious. Play is absolute. Play is the complete absorption of something that doesn’t matter to the external world, but which matters completely to you," writes Katherine May (2023). And maybe play is part of the exploration involved in finding the things that really matters.

Play is important for teaching social skills. This holds true for kids and for adults. "Play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, helps us navigate complex social groups, and is at the core of creativity and innovation" (Brown, 2010, p. 100). How many friendships form around play, or some type of recreational activity? And how many of us subconsciously learn while engaging in this time of play? Sometimes hard things happen in play, but that teaches us to love, and to love better (Goff). It teaches us humility (Jacobson & Masonheimer, 2021). The world could use of both, I think!

Play relieves stress. The lives of both adults and kids are full of stress. Adults have just lived in the stress longer. Play helps relieve that stress because it requires giving up control. "Play and control cannot coexist," writes author Rebekah Lyons (2019). "Play...breaks us out of our stressful routines and rejuvenates us." It encourages relaxation to kick in (Richo, 2011). And we need play not just some of the time, but at expected times so as to break up our schedules. "While the stressors may not go away, we can develop a rhythm that helps us become more resilient to deal with them."  We need to organize our time such that we make time for play (Levitin, 2015). While we often see play as optional, we really shouldn't.

Play strengthens relationships. Who has heard that men make friends by doing activities side by side? Well this is true, not just for men, but for women, and for partnered individuals. “Play isn’t a luxury or an indulgence, but a necessity for a successful, happy relationship," write marriage researchers (Gottman et al., 2019). “Play don’t just about being with each other, it’s about connecting with each other. When we play together as couples, we’re developing our trust and intimacy.” We attune and connect (van der Kolk, 2015, p. 217). Who doesn't want greater trust, intimacy, and connection in relationships? That is the type of stuff that sustains!

--

And how do kids learn to play? From adults! In an age that increasingly has our faces fixed to our screens, I think we could all do better to play a little more, stress a little less, and maybe face each other a little more. Who knows how future generations might benefit?

References:

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Books.

Gottman, J., Schwartz Gottman, J., Abrams, D., & Abrams, C. (2019). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a liftetime of love. Workman Publishing Company.

Jacobson, L., & Masonheimer, P. (2021). The flirtation experiment: Putting magic, mystery, and spark back into your everyday marriage. Thomas Nelson.

Levitin, D. J. (2015). The organized mind: Thinking straight in the age of information overload. Dutton.

Lyons, R. (2019). Rhythms of renewal: Trading stress and anxiety for a life of peace and purpose. Zondervan.

May, K. (2023). Enchantment: Awakening wonder in an anxious age. Riverhead Books.

Richo, D. (2011). Daring to trust: Opening ourselves to real love & intimacy. Shambhala.

van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

How Fasting for Lent Affected My Relationships

I have practiced Lent for roughly 12 years or so. (I started fasting during Lent after I learned about it in college.) I have fasted from a variety of things, and each year learned something new. I took time this year to read the book, A Hunger for God by John Piper prior to Lent. Though I will confess that the book caused me to struggle with wanting to fast for ascetic and legalistic reasons, it did remind me that the purpose of fasting is to drive me to Jesus, to make me appreciate the giver more than the gifts. This year, I chose to fast from bread, or more specifically from bread, flour, gluten, and all together things made with wheat. (Jesus says he is the "Bread of Life" in the Bible.) Though I had to decline some foods I wanted, I did not find the dietary part of the fast very hard. What I found difficult was how fasting affected my relationships.

My husband usually cooks breakfast and dinner for us on Saturdays. He makes amazing pancakes and we enjoy them thoroughly, when I am not fasting. I shared my idea of fasting from bread with my husband before I started, and he okayed it. I do not think either of us fully considered its implications, though. Fasting from flour eliminated Saturday breakfasts, which meant more hodge-podge eating and less intentionality. Our diets did not suffer, but the specialness and time we spent together took at least a small hit. My husband likes to cook with flour for dinners, too, and my fast cramped his style. He honored my fast, but also noted that it saddened him. While he did not fast from flour completely, he was subject to no flour in the things I cooked as well. He noted several times that he preferred flour and missed it. My fast affected my marriage relationship.

Fasting from flour kept me from sharing in relational activities outside my marriage, too. I did not eat the pasta my husband made for a family dinner occasion. I said, "No" to pizza and potlucks at work. I had to work around flour that presented itself when we got invited out. I could not share food with my husband as I am prone to do. (He may have seen this as a benefit, though!) The fast was possible, and through it drove me to Jesus, it also drove me slightly apart from the people Jesus has placed in my life.

How did my fast drive me to Jesus? Each time I found gluten in a product, it reminded me that Jesus should be part of everything in life, every fiber of my being, every moment of my day. When I found no good substitutes for flour in some recipes, I recalled that there is no substitute for Christ. I am saved by faith through grace and only on Christ's merits. When I craved flour-y things, it reminded me that I should want Jesus more than anything. It reminded me that Jesus sustains my life. And when I could not share meals with others, my fast reminded me that a relationship with Jesus is a joy I should want to share with others. That was perhaps the most poignant learning.

Lent is over for this year. I am eating flour and gluten and all things wheat again. (I thank God that I am able to do this since I have no allergies to them.) I probably won't fast from bread again, at least not for a while. God calls me to be faithful to him, and also faithful to that to which he calls me. He has called me to be a wife and a co-worker and a sister and a friend, and bread is part of what sustains those relationships. So now I eat and celebrate, and fellowship, even as eat and fellowship and seek eternal sustenance from God.

Wasted?

My husband recently completed an experiment. He stuck a discarded carrot top in a pot of soil and watered it to see if it would grow. Lo and behold, it sprouted! After awhile, the sprouts died off. Whether that was due to poor growing conditions, lack of viability, inattention, or what, I don't know. That's besides the point. The point is that something grew.

I've been thinking about that carrot in terms of life. How often do the periods of our life that feel "wasted" actually produce growth? On the other hand, how often do we waste what seems meaningless or of no value? Take, for example, the time of being at home due to COVID-19 restrictions. Was it wasted?  It could be. Many of us, including me, spent too much time scrolling social media, laying around, being afraid, etc. in the early days. But then we had a choice: do something productive, or sit and stew. Some people were really productive, think small-business starting, home-organizing, amazing mom mavericks. I wasn't. In the space COVID-19 created, I did have some new realizations, however.

I realized the need I had for grace.  I realized how many little things I took for granted. I realized the privileges of using technology to communicate. I realized how my much my communication strategies still need work. I realized more how stress affects me and what I need to do up my self-care game. I realized that I was more tired and burned out than I thought. I realized that I need to ask for help just like the next person.

Was this "quarantine" season wasted? In some ways, it felt like it. I didn't get to do things I'd planned on doing for a long time. I was disappointed. I felt and still feel grief. But this was also a period of growth; a period of realizing what's essential, and what's not; a period of realizing I can make do with less than I think; a period of growth.

Is there waste in life? Certainly. But maybe there is less than we think. Maybe there are actually more opportunities for growth than we realize. Maybe we just need eyes to see them.

If the Vertical Isn't Right...

My husband and I have had quite a few conversations lately about relationships. Church relationships. Our relationship. Our relationships with friends. Parents. Siblings. Extended family. Coworkers. We have questioned how we should relate to them. We want to relate in grace, with love, but also in truth. And we often don't know how to do it.

In the midst of all these relationship discussions, I have been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's all about how if husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands, marriage will work the way it's supposed to work, or at least according to God's plan. I don't completely disagree, but I do disagree with the premise that marital, or really any relationships work on solely a horizontal axis.

Let me explain. We do a lot of transactions in relationships. You do this, and I'll do that. You give me this, and I'll give you that. We live in a free market economy where we exchange money for goods and services. Or we trade and barter for what we need and want. But that's not how it works in the kingdom of God. Christ gave all, and we're called to give all in return, all to Him first, and then all to others in selfless service. (See Philippians 2:1-11.) But if we're not right with God, that isn't going to happen.

Our first and primary relationship must be with God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. We must get all our validation and acceptance and love from Him. That's not to say that we don't want or need others to love and accept us, but that we have to get primary validation from God. Because if we're looking to other people to love and accept us and give us what we need, we're in sorry shape.

Our vertical relationship is key to getting the kind of unconditional love that we need if we are to love others unconditionally. Our vertical relationship is key to getting the strength and Holy Spirit power we need to love people when they're difficult or hard. Our vertical relationship is key to having an appealingly positive attitude to those around us, so that our lives speak to the goodness of God. (See the Jesus Always July 18th entry for more on this.) Our vertical relationship is key to having right relationships as husbands and wives. (Momentary Marriage by John Piper is so far my favorite resource on this topic.) If the vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff just isn't going to happen.

So friends, if you're struggling in relationships, yes, you need to make it right, but first, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Am I right with God?" If the answer to that is, "No." Then you might want to start there. Because if your vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff isn't likely to resolve, or at least not likely to resolve in God's way, and according to God's pattern of intention for human relationships.

Trusting God, Trusting Others, Trusting Myself

I struggle with trusting God. And I struggle with trusting others. I struggle to trust people when they say they're willing to do something for me. I struggle to trust others when they says I'm really not bothering him or being a burden. I think I struggle to take what other people say at basic face value. And I struggle to trust myself. I think it's all related.

I struggle to trust God and let Him have control. I struggle to trust and believe and act on the truth that God is good. So I don't always believe that people are good. I don't trust my own feelings, or my own body, or the Holy Spirit insight God has given me. So I push and wrestle and struggle and flail. And it's not great...at all, for my faith, or my relationships, or my health.

So I'm working on trusting God, trusting others, trusting myself. I know I won't ever arrive at complete trust, but I need to work on growing it. Because trust is bedrock for everything that's good in life, and solace in everything that's not. 

Men Matter: My Message for Valentine's Day

The suited man held a bouquet of red roses behind his back. That was the photo on the cover of the advertisement. That was all. The photo could have been worse. There are a lot more sordid depictions of Valentine's Day, but the photo still upset me. Call me overly sensitive about things, but I didn't like the ideals the ad promoted.

What is so wrong about a man hiding flowers behind his back? Well nothing. Except that it is an incomplete picture. Valentine's Day isn't supposed to be just about men giving women flowers. It's supposed to be about love, and love requires action. So a true picture should show the man with the flowers and the woman with, I don't know, a pie? And love is not all about gifts or food, either. It's about selflessness and sacrifice and speaking love in a language that the person understands. (See The Five Love Languages.) Love is mutual.

I also believe that society demeans men overall. Why are we reducing men to machines that can only deliver flowers, or that need to deliver flowers or other pleasantries on Valentine's Day to show love? Still other popular advertisements debase men to the status of purely physical creatures that go after women because they have tacos in their purse, or are wearing a certain perfume. Really? 

I have a lot of good men in my life, men who yes, sometimes, give me flowers, but who also love me in a lot of other really important ways. They encourage me. They pray for me. They compliment me. They help me calm down when I'm anxious. They change the oil in my car. They fix flat tires. They recognize when something is important to me and support me in doing it. And maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to the way that culture depicts men.

Men matter. I could go into why they matter not just to me, but to the health of society overall, but that is a topic for another post. For now, I'd like to express gratitude to all the great guys in my life, and encourage you to do the same. Let's start building up those around us and loving them well, because that's biblical and godly, and what we need to do if we want healthy, strong relationships.

Gathering Around the Table

Yesterday was my first Thanksgiving dinner at home in 11 years (if I calculated right). Yes, I've been back in  Arizona two years, but the first year, we went to a friend's house for dinner. Last year, I went to Wisconsin and ate with my brother. This year, I was home.

We talked a lot as a family about what we wanted to do for the holiday. When I lived on my own, my tradition was to serve at Salvation Army on Thanksgiving, and eat dinner the day afterward. But that was my tradition, not my family's. Making plans was a joint effort, not just mine. This year, after we discussed several different ideas, we decided we wanted to host friends who might not otherwise have places to go. So we invited over nine people, and ended up with seven guests. (Yes, I know that might not seem like a lot of people to us, but for a family of three, two of us who were introverts, it was a lot.) We ended up with a total of 10 around our table.

We really wanted to share not only our food, but our blessings as a family at this dinner. We wanted to share our home and our culture and own love. To that extent, I made these thanksgiving jars for our guests:

We'd started a gratitude practice in our home earlier this year, and I thought it would be neat to share it with others. It was. As each person shared their thanks, my heart swelled with gratitude to the God who has blessed us with all this.

Thanksgiving was also about sharing life and life stories. I knew the stories of several friends around the table, but not all. It was interesting to to listen to individual ones tell more of their tales and to hear the thread of God's grace woven throughout. I also had a chance to share about the healing work God has been doing in my life over the past few years.

Some of our guests had to leave early. Most didn't stay long. Only a few could stay to help clean up, but that wasn't really an issue. Thanksgiving was good, and I hope people went away feeling deeply satisfied.

In the end, our Thanksgiving was about more than food (and I think it always should be. It was about filling hearts more than bellies. It was about gathering to share an experience. It was about taking our eyes off ourselves and placing them on the Creator. I was about giving thanks. I don't know if we'll host a dinner this big every year, but for this year, it was special. 

Thanks to all who came, and most of all, to the Creator of it all!

It is What It Is.

"It is what it is." My dad said this to us all the time my siblings and I were growing up, and honestly, it annoyed me. It seemed dismissive of the situations at hand, as well as unrecognizing of my feelings. But as I've gotten older, I've realized the truth in Dad's mantra. And I've kind of taken it on as my own.

Someone said something I don't understand. I can overanalyze it, or take it at face value. It is what it is.

People have opinions about my relationships and what they think they should be. I can try to justify my actions and comply with expectations, or let the issue go. It is what it is.

My plans for the day got hijacked. I can stress and fret, or just run with what the day throws at me. It is what it is.

I haven't trained enough for my 5K, so my time will be slow. I can chastise myself, or just go and enjoy it. It is what it is.

I should (fill in the blank), but I didn't or I  can't. I can strive and strain or accept. It is what it is.

I want (fill in the blank), but I don't have it. I can wallow in discontent, or just be where I am. It is what it is.

This is my life, people. It isn't perfect, and I certainly struggle in it, but it is what it is. This is where God has placed me for this time and season, and He is here. HE IS.

Letting Go

Fall is somewhat of a somber season for me. The length of time the sun shines shortens. The brightness of life fades. I feel tired. But instead of fighting the changes of this season, I am seeking to embrace them. And running head first into Fall means not only embracing change, but also letting things go so change can happen.

I feel like God is asking me to let go of a lot of things in this season of life: my timelines, my expectations, my hopes and dreams, my definition of what it means to live a good life. My life is not bad by any means, but it is hard. I thought I'd be married with a family of my own by this point, or at least living in my own house. I thought I'd have figured out some of the hard stuff. I thought I'd be settled into my job, have friends, by plugged in fully at church, etc. etc. I thought...but God had other plans.

I saw this quote on Instagram the other day and it really resonated with me. God has taken some things away, and allowed other things to fade, but He is still present. And if He is still present, there is beauty. 

My dad likes to say, "It is what it is." My life is what it is. My relationships are what they are. My current possessions are current, and that is all. Sure, I've let a lot go, and I'll probably have to let more go. But this is my life, and I don't want to miss it. 

So if this season both externally and internally means letting go, I'm going to look for beauty. I'm going to embrace the present and try to just be. By God's grace, I can practice stillness, wait on the Lord, and choose joy. 

Perhaps letting go will make space for God to plant new hopes and dreams and desires in my heart. Or perhaps the Lord needs to make room in my life for more of Himself. Both probably need to happen. May the beauty of the Lord shine through this season in either case.

Godliness or Control

A lot of people seem to think that I'm perfect. Nope! Maybe I just hide my sin a little better than some because it's in my heart more often than it's apparent in my actions. And that isn't something to brag about.

I was convicted of my sinful nature again this past weekend when the Holy Spirit prompted me to do something I didn't want to do. I had drawn a line in the sand and was like, "Nope!" I wrestled with the issue for awhile and then the Spirit asked, "Do you want to be godly, or do you want to be in control?"

Convicted. I did the thing and decided not to be passive aggressive and trying to get my own way. This wasn't a victory for me, but it was a victory for the Spirit. Praise Him! May He continually have more victory in my life.

Any Spirit victories in your lives recently, friends? Please feel free to share in the comments section below.

I Wanna Be an Island.

Sometimes I just wanna be an island. No, not a sandy shore next to the ocean, but an island of a person. I don't want to need people. I want to be able to go and do my own thing and not be alone. I want to take care of myself, my car, my life, and my health without anyone else. I want to avoid that pain that comes when I get close to someone and they hurt me. I want to avoid the inevitable grief that happens when a best friend moves away. I want to avoid the heart-wrenching loneliness that comes after I see "my people" and have to say goodbye. It'd be easier if I was a loner.

But I'm not an island. I need people. I'm not mechanically savvy, so I need my dad to give me car advice. I don't get all my health stuff, so I need doctors and a mom who is a nurse to interpret. I need people at church to preach God's words of truth to me. I need bankers to manage my finances. I need bosses and supervisors to teach me to do my job better. I need loved ones who tell me to tone it down or cut it out when I'm living life on the rev limiter. I need friends who teach me to have fun and remind me to do it regularly. I need people in my life to point out the beauty that I frequently miss due to my crazy, uptight perfectionist, Type A personality. Basically, I'm a crappy human when left to my own devices.

Being in relationships with others is the way God designed life. He's a triune God and he created Eve to fix Adam's loneliness. So relationships are His gig. But being in relationship to others is sure painful. The let-downs hurt. The loneliness sinks in deep. My inadequacies become glaring. The fact that I don't know how to love well becomes obvious.

People remind me that I need Jesus, and I do, so I guess I don't really wanna be an island. But some days, it sure seems like it'd be easier.

Partner Up (Or Not!)

I may live in the Wild West, but I really dislike the term "partner." (I'd say "hate," but that might be too strong.) I get that calling a romantic counterpart a "partner" is the politically and socially correct thing to do, but I don't like it. I don't want a partner.

When I think of the word partner, I think of a business relationship. I think of a relationship that can be interrupted, swapped, or up-changed. It's temporary. It's changeable. I don't want that. I want a husband, a mate, a long-term commitment. Marriage is hard work and it's supposed to be "'til death do us part." For Christians, it's supposed to imitate Christ and the church (Ephesians 5). That's serious business.

So partner up all you want, but I'm holding out for a long term mate. Maybe it's for a season, maybe it's for life. We'll see....