Marriage as Calling

What is a calling? What does it means to have a calling? Calling means different things for different people. A calling can come because of birthright or fortune or circumstance.  A calling might be a role, a job, a hobby, or a vocation. A calling might change based on season in life. It can be a season of life. Regardless of the specific details of the calling, I would argue that calling is something that feels irresistible, that if resisted can result in undue hardship, pain, or misery. For the Christian, I believe calling is something set before a person by God, God's will in a sense. But what is God's will, and what is calling? Are they the same or different? I think there are areas of overlap and also individuality.

For those predestined to be saved, God's will is first of all. acceptance of Jesus' gift of salvation, belief in Jesus' atoning death for salvation, and confession of sins unto repentance. It is following God's commands in Scripture, for example rejoicing, praying, and giving thanks (1 Thess 5:16-18). It is treating others as we want to be treated (Matt 7:12). It is honoring God and giving him glory, and so much more. The best way to know God's will is to read His Word, the Bible, all of it.

But what about calling? How does calling fit in with God's will? Calling must first of all align with God's will. If calling disagrees with God's commands, it isn't His will. Second, calling must fit with who God created us to be. Calling generally lines up with talents and abilities. I am probably not cut out to play football if I am a tall, uncoordinated woman. Could I try? Sure, but I might want to find a different place to invest the bulk of my time. Third, calling must fit with roles and responsibilities assigned by God. For example, my calling as a daughter is set in place by the existence of my parents. That brings me to marriage, and to the idea of marriage as calling.

The idea of marriage as calling first came to me in a podcast by Kate Bowler and Will Willimon. The idea came during a hard season when I wasn't questioning marriage, but was definitely struggling with it. Thinking of marriage as a calling gave me perspective. I was reminded of how God clearly brought to me my husband, of how clear it was to me when I said, "Yes" to his proposal that to do otherwise would have been selfishness and sin, that I would be more heartbroken without him than I am pained when I have issues with him.

A dear family friend once shared with me her story of going into missions. She shared that she felt it was important to know her calling, because when times got hard, she needed to remember why she was doing what she was doing. I feel that way about my calling to marriage: looking back, I know there was no other way if I was walking in God's way.

So what am I doing with this idea of calling? I am doing what Willimon says and "acting as." I am acting as a wife even when I don't feel like making those sacrifices. I am asking for Holy Spirit help to be selfless instead of selfish. I am making marriage a priority and a focus. My be all end all? No, but a major driving force for my life, right behind my passion and pursuit of Jesus.

Do I believe that I was always called to marriage? I don't know. Do I believe that all people are called to marriage? Most definitely not! The Apostle Paul was single. Jesus was single. God has used many single people to do great work. Paul wrote that the unmarried are more free from worldly concerns and therefore able to focus on God's business (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). I understand that more now. For me, however, my calling to marriage was settled as soon as I signed that marriage certificate. Really, it was clear to me even before that when I saw how God brought my husband to me. Could I have rebelled against my calling then? Yes. Could I rebel now? Yes, but I would risk God's wrath and punishment for my sin. I would rather not experience that. 

Marriage is my calling. Marriage is God's will for me since the day that I committed to it. May I walk in this calling, today, and for the rest of my life. By God's grace, may I fulfill this calling and submit any other callings beneath it in accordance with the will of God.

I Need Him.

I remember the moment clearly: standing at the edge of my kitchen, mop in hand, tears rolling down my face. Swish, swish, swish went the mop back and forth as I pondered. I had recently recovered from what seemed to me to be a life-threatening bout with the stomach flu. And as I stood there, alone in my house, mopping my floor, I realized something: I was alone, and I would always be alone. I lived away from my family. I had lost all prospects and hope of marriage. I had my housemates, but not for long, and certainly not forever. I was alone. Utterly alone. And one day, I might get sick again and have no one to call other than emergency medical services. And that really scared me.

Fast forward to now. I am not alone. God graciously gifted me with a husband whom I love and adore. I feel that I have come to need him, and though I longed to not feel alone, sometimes I hate my neediness. I always pictured myself as a strong, independent woman. As a wife, I want to be the, strong, stalwart woman who supports her man in everything and always gives all that she can. That just isn't me. I am weak. I am emotional. I hunger for connection. I need my husband.

I both preach and struggle with the idea of team in marriage. Don't get me wrong. I want to be part of the team. I just don't want to need the team, to have to depend on the team. But I do. I need my husband to help talk through theological issues with me. I need the logical balance he provides. I need his electrical knowledge to deal with house issues. I need him to unscrew hard-to-open jars. I need his affection and pursuit and care. I'm just not me without him.

Interdependence should be part of marriage. I know that. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I didn't expect how hard and humbling recognizing my own needs would be. But this is part of the sanctification process in marriage. This is what God has given me. My ultimate need is for Him, I must accept, and even embrace this journey of marriage, needy as it may expose me to be.

Running Your Own Race

COVID has brought a lot of changes to life. I registered for two races last year and both went virtual. I had two races in mind so far for this year, and both got postponed. I felt disappointed, and I was still motivated to train and race. So guess what? I made my own races.

The first race was supposed to be a spring, "Running with the Beards" I did with my husband. We made our training plans and a week or so afterward, it got postponed until the fall. We decided to train and run on the day anyway. I wanted it to feel like a real race, so I ordered things to make up my own swag bag. We took pictures and we went out for breakfast after we ran. All components of a good race day, if you ask me.

The second race was a 10K that also got postponed. A friend and I talked about running a race together, but that got put off due to scheduling issues. I did not want to lose the stamina I had built in base building and training I had put in, so I set out to do it anyway. I picked a time and a place and a pace and set out for it. I did not do as well as I did in my first 10K, but hey, I did it, and I did it alone.

There is a time and a place for racing. Man, I sure do miss it! I think there is a place for running your own race, too. Pick the components of racing that matter to you (time, place, pace, photos, and after party activities for me), and make them happen. (If you don't want to plan, consider enrolling in a virtual activity through a company like I Run for Movement.) You could also do a racing challenge with a long distance friend, like I did for the Avo-Cardio 10K last weekend.

David and Megan Roche write in The Happy Runner about racing as celebration. Celebration is possible without actual races. You just have to do it, make your own race and then run it.

Marriage Misnomers: Marriage is Hard

I have said many times that marriage is hard. But then I heard some sermons that stopped me in my tracks. To summarize, the pastor said: 

"God created marriage."

"Marriage is good."

"Marriage is not hard."

As he talked, my stomach sank. I felt convicted about the way I had been speaking about marriage. I knew in my heart that marriage as an institution was good. God created it, after all. I had been calling marriage hard, when it was really the things that marriage exposed that were the hard things.

What hard things did and does marriage expose? It shows up my selfishness. It shows up my neediness, and my inability to be the strong woman I want to be. It exposes my sin. None of these make marriage bad. In fact, they further evidence that marriage is good. They show how God uses marriage as a tool for sanctification. The process of going through sanctification, the surrender it takes to be formed more into Christlikeness, however, is hard. 

Married life can also feel hard because of the external pressures on it. Marriage unites two people in the closest way humanly possible and often, all the world seems to fight against that. Work demands can reduce time spent together. Tragedies take away resources. Extended family needs draw on emotional stores. Society preaches lies about self-love and self-service that erode core unity. There is also the enemy of the soul who wants to do everything he can to destroy marriage and the image it paints of the gospel.

Is marriage itself hard? No, marriage as a God-created institution is good. But married life does bring with it some hard. Life can also bring hard things to the marriage. I don't always want the hard, but I want my marriage. I want marriage for my good, for my husband's good, and for God's glory. Amen.

Real Life Marriage: Deciding Versus Sliding

I told my husband when I married him that I was making a choice. I told him that I chose him, and I promised to always choose him. That decision has been tested and tried at times. I have had to decide to love him, to act as if I love him, because if I want my marriage to last, is there any other way? If I am not deciding, I am sliding.

Marriage requires choices, little and big, every single day. When I wake up, I can decide to kiss my husband good morning, or just go about my business. I can decide to serve my husband by setting out things for breakfast or by ignoring him as I slide into the rush to get myself ready. I can budget time to spend with him or just slide into focusing on how I want to spend the limited time I have before I go to work. Every decision is a choice between selflessness, thinking of him, thinking of us; or selfishness, thinking of myself. I admit that I want to give way to latter, and I do engage in self-focused thoughts far too often, but by God's grace, I am deciding to do it less.

On my commute to work, I can decide what I do with my time. I can engage in "ear candy" and listen simply to what pleases my ears, or I can make conscious choices to consume what builds up my marriage. I can choose songs about loving and leaving, or choose songs that build me up in my faith and encourage me to stick with my vows. I can listen to "me first" podcasts or I can listen to podcasts that encourage me to lay down my life and take up my cross. I can listen to people talk about marriage for the sake of happiness or listen to thoughts about staying married for the sake of holiness. I have decisions to make. If I don't make conscious marriage-oriented decisions, I slide into making other ones.

At work, I can choose to remember my husband, or forget him. I can decide to keep him in the forefront of my mind, praying for him in his day and texting him if I can, or I can slide into forgetting about him. I can decide to make a concerted effort to get off on time and go home to be with him, or I can slide into overtime. 

When I get home, I can decide to greet my husband positively. I can decide to give him grace if dinner isn't quite ready (his job for the time being). Or I can slide into negatively, griping, and hanger. When dinner comes, I can decide to check in with my husband about his day or just stuff my face. Post dinner, I can decide to help with clean-up or just slide into my to-do list. I can allocate quality time to spend with my husband or let the minutes slip away until it is time for me to slip into bed. Decisions...

Day to day and week to week, there are other choices I must make regarding my marriage. I must choose how I think and speak about my husband, speaking positive, affirmative words, or sliding into the men-bashing that happens far too often in this culture. I can think about how I carry myself and make decisions to show myself "obviously married in public*," or I can give way to what some would judge as "harmless flirting," but interactions that could lead to deadly destinations. I can wear my wedding ring or leave it off. I can include my husband in my social media photos, or leave him out and leave doubt about my relationships status. It's easy to slide. It's not always easy to decide.

In social interactions, I avoid one-on-one meeting with men as much as I can help it. If I know I need to go meet with a male banker, I try to schedule so that I can take my husband. If I know I need to do a task alone, I look for a female provider, or at least a provider with female staff present (e.g. dentists and doctors). I avoid riding in cars alone with members of the opposite sex. I choose to text wives versus husbands when setting up couple events (a strategy modeled by our small group leader at church). I ask my husband before accepting friend requests for males, even if the men are married. I have decided that this is good accountability.

Decisions that affect my marriage face me every day. If I do not consciously make decisions to better my marriage, I slide down the path towards mediocrity or worse. Someone explained to me once that marriage is like a river:  you either work to paddle upstream, or you let the current slide you downstream to a place you might not want to go. Paddling upstream takes work. It takes effort, but it allows me to go where I want to go, where I believe God wants me to go, where God wants my marriage to go. To Him be the glory!

*Thanks Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage for the "obviously married in public" phrase.

The Sacrificial Love of A Mother

I judged my mother for many things growing up. I am not proud of it, but I did. I judged her for wearing old clothes. I judged her for eating off our plates and always taking home leftover food from restaurants. As I got older, I chastised her for working too hard, for not taking care of herself, for not making time for herself. I valued her and wanted her to value herself. That was a good thing. I could have gone about my approach a little more gently and with a little more love, though. Growing up, I just did not understand.

I have learned a lot of things being married, and one of them is that sacrifice is a choice. All the things I judged my mom for growing up, she didn't have to do. She chose to do them. She chose them because she loved my dad. She chose them because she loved us kids. She chose them because she she wanted to, not because she had to. Now I am trying to choose love by sacrificing, too.

Sacrifice evidences depth of love. The Apostle John wrote in his first epistle, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (3:16, New International Version). There is a lot to be said for men and how they image Christ, but I think there is also a lot not said about mothers and how they also image Christ. My mom loved loved my dad sacrificially. She still does.  She loved us sacrificially. She still does. My mom would give her life for us, I am sure. Her example of selflessness points me to Christ, and to the cost of love, a cost I am sure I am only beginning to fathom.

So on this Mother's Day, I offer a heartfelt apology to my mom, and to all mothers whose love I misunderstood for so many years. You were not wrong. I was wrong. Your love was and is sacrificial and right, and least in God's eyes. Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for painting for me a picture of love. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day!

33.

Honestly, I don't really feel like doing a birthday review this year. It's been a long year and I don't feel like I've been that successful. I did do some hiking. I returned to running once more. I read a lot of books. I baked. I wish I had more "big" things to share, but some times the big things are the little things. On that note, birthday reviews are routine, a little thing, and if nothing else, I will complete this one as an act of gratitude. Gratitude was, after all, one of my goals for last year.

Who knew what 2020 would hold when I wrote about year 32? We were fresh into lockdown and only more was to come. Masks mandates came for us in June and still remain for our cities. In spite of all the restrictions, we were able to see family and even extended family, which were true blessings. I continued my 1,000 gifts list and got to . I have kept up that habit and try to contribute at least 10 items a day, five in the morning and five at night. Often, I add more than ten items a day, more as a habit than as a have-to.

I have pretty much tanked the joy. I had some joy, sure, but I also kind of gave up on trying to find joy. I read books about joy and learned I need to "stay with" joy in order to really receive its benefits. That still needs a lot of work. I am trying to watch for delight and savor it.

My self-care tanked this year (not like it's ever been good). I started a self-care list based on the five love languages a little while ago and that has made self-care a daily "to-do." It's helped...some. I did the 30 day evening yoga challenge with Kassandra. I think that was my biggest one.

I usually make three goals for the next year on my birthday, but this year I have just one: Live. The three goals birthday tradition started in college when we used to ask each other a question for every year of life. Well, we're too old for that now. It would take too long and we're too spread apart. So this year, I'm discontinuing that tradition, or at least putting it on hiatus. I'm thankful for another year, and it was a rough one, so this coming year, I just want to live. My husband tells me that I try to control too much, so perhaps this is my act of letting go--or maybe it's a goal in disguise. Either way, here we go towards year 34.

Afghan 63

I finished another one. I told you I was working on several. In fact, I don't think I have ever worked on so many blankets at one time. I had at least three going, plus a few side projects. Now that this one is done, I can just work on the one blanket I have left. Hooray!

As for this blanket, it was the ripple baby blanket pattern from Eye Love Knots. I do not usually like to change colors on blankets, but I went for it on this one. I did stick to just two colors, unlike the suggested three colors, however. I also forgot to change colors on the border, so it turned out to just be white. But I completed the border this time, something I rarely do. I am trying to learn to stick with patterns, and recipes....

Other details:

Yarn: Red Heart white and spring green

Hook: Ergonomic J

Finished dimensions: 35 x 43 inches