Celebrating National Pumpkin Day (Year Two)

I have slowed my roll on pumpkin stuff, but since it's National Pumpkin Day, might as well celebrate what we have. It's more pumpkin spice than anything this year:

Purchases from Trader's Joe's Pumpkin Palooza (Pumpkin pie spice, pumpkin spice espresso beans, and pumpkin spice coffee)

Pumpkin pie spice rooibos which we went back and bought later

Iced pumpkin spice latte (Gimme Some Oven) 

Pumpkin spice roll cookies (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Pumpkin black bean tacos (Peas and Crayons)

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I have not stopped liking pumpkin. Maybe I just don't like it so much. We will how the trend continues next year....

Whirlwind Weekend

We took a whirlwind trip this past weekend, flying out Friday night and back Sunday morning. I never thought I would take such a trip. I never thought I would be so willing to travel wearing a mask, but you know what? It was totally worth it!

We traveled this weekend to attend an event at my brother's work. We rarely get to see him, so when he invited us, we jumped at the chance. Normally, our vacations are about eating and seeing the sights. This time, it was more about soaking up time together. We still did a little of our "normal," though.

Eats

More bao from Dumpling Haus (I went there last time I visited, and we had to go again.)

Taco bao-definitely different, but surprisingly tasty!

Treats

A walk to see the lake

Complete with fall colors

Cheese curds (a Wisconsin must)

Using my brother's Japanese fire table after a walk in the cold.

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Most of all, though, it was just good to be together!

Afghan #65

 

I finished another one! Honestly this afghan did NOT turn out like I wanted it to. I tried to follow the cloud blanket pattern from Han Jan Crochet, but I messed up somewhere. I tried to replicate my own mess-ups for consistency, but it did not work perfectly. I did not figure out the edging, either and it curled. My mom suggested that it might be useful on a baby blanket, so I left it. I did not love it.

Lots of work on this one: I practiced a lot of treble crochet stitches. I counted my rows. I  practiced distress tolerance. I hope this blanket serves its intended purpose for a new member of our extended family, and I am counting down days until I get to meet him. I do know that I already love him!

Yarn: Red Heart soft navy

Crochet hook: Ergonomic J

Endurance, Patience, Perseverance

I never quite know what I am getting into when I choose a word for the year. This year is no different. I chose endurance, knowing I needed to learn and practice it, but not knowing how much. I am not not sure I really knew what endurance meant, either. I thought it was staying power, standing fast and lasting through the hard times. I am learning that endurance truly means so much more.

As I have studied through Romans, I have learned more about endurance. In Romans 15:4, the King James Version [KJV] translates endurance, "patience." There are some nuances to the word that do quite equate with patience (Thayer, 2011), but there is a relationship, a relationship which connotes some waiting, waiting not just for the hardship to be over, as I have been doing, but waiting with hopes of good things on the other side. Believers are not promised good things in this world. The Bible promises trouble on earth (John 16:33). The Bible promises eternal life for believers in heaven, however, and that is worth hopefully enduring and waiting for.

Biblical endurance also has connotations of perseverance. Again, the KJV translates the word endurance in the English Standard Version [ESV] translation of Hebrews 12:1. The New International Version translates the same word perseverance. What is the difference between the two? According to Difference Between (2015), "endurance is experiencing or surviving pain or hardship," while "perseverance refers to continuing in spite of difficulty and lack of success." So endurance means staying, while perseverance means forward motion. The Bible as a whole commands us to do both.

Endurance requires stamina (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). But how do I endure biblically, in a way that honors and glorifies God? That is another matter. From a recent sermon, I learned that God-honoring endurance means running well (Walters, 2021). Endurance means looking for the joy, and not just seeing the hardship. Endurance also requires perspective, something I think I often lack when trying to stand my ground.

God is enlarging my view of what it means to endure this year. His plans are always so much greater than mine. So may I, by his power, endure. May I practice patience. May I persevere. May I have the perspective that this is all for the greater good of God's glory, because when it comes to endurance, only God endures forever.

References:

Hasa. (2015, October 17). In Differencebetween.com. Retrieved from https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-endurance-and-vs-perseverance/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Endurance. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved October 11, 2021 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/endurance

Strong, J. (1890). G5281-hypomone. In Strong's exhaustive concordance of the Bible. [e-book edition]. Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5281/kjv/tr/0-1/

Thayer, J. H. (2011). Strong's NT 5281. In Thayer's Greek Lexicon. [electronic database.] Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5281/kjv/tr/0-1/.

Walters, W. (2021, July 25). Embrace the race. Retrieved from https://willowhills.church/series/stand-alone-sermons.

Committed to Conflict or Communication?

Dancing is the coordinated movements of partners in response to one another: steps forward and back, side to side, twirls, dips, etc. Communication in marriage is much like this, though sometimes less coordinated or choregraphed. We have a general pattern of movement, and we fall into this whether we like it or not. When we realize the pattern, though, we come to a decision point. Do we continue or same old dance? Or do we stop and try a different step?

I am a feeler. My husband in more of a thinker. Our personality differences contribute to our communication patterns. I hear and interpret with my feelings. My husband hears the facts. Our our worst days, I only feel, and he only thinks. This leads to continued collision on the dance floor. On our best days, I can reflect back what my husband says, and then tell him how I feel. This is a good first step, but then sometimes we get stuck. My husband says that what I heard with my feelings is not what he said. I say that I did hear what he said, but that I want him to hear my feelings. And back and forth we go. Unless we stop. Sometimes I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Is this dance working? And if it is not, what is my role in the non-productive interaction? I can only control myself. I can only change myself. 

In my marriage, I find that I often get committed to conflict. I feel a certain way, and I want my husband to feel the same way! Or at least acknowledge it. But do I really need him to agree me with? Yes, I want him to acknowledge me, but I cannot control him. Often in our conflicts, the feelings I attach to what my husband says have more to do with me than with him. Sometimes they have to do completely with me. So I have to ask myself, "Am I committed to conflict, or am I committed to communication?"

It is sinful human nature to commit to conflict, to want and to even demand our own way. But is it beneficial? It is not for my marriage, so I have to make the choice, to abandon my need to be right, and to choose to actually tune in and listen to what my husband is saying. He gets to decide what he means with his words. Though not perfect, God has gifted him with a logical brain, and most of time, he says what he means. I can choose to believe my emotions, or believe my husband. One choice leads to conflict. One choice leads to communication, and exchange of information that could build our relationship. 

Marriage contains many dances. Communication is just one of them. In all of these dances, though, we have choices about where we commit ourselves. Do we commit to conflict, or to our relationship? Marriage itself is a commitment. We just have to decide how much we value it. Our dance steps, in communication, and otherwise, are indicative of where our values lie.

Reference:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., & Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2022, February 8). Honey, what did you mean by...? [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/honey-what-did-you-mean-by/

Real Life Marriage: Making Time

You make times for what's important. That's what my husband says. That's what our pastor says. My husband says that our relationship is important. The cleaning and cooking are "unimportant" comparatively. I agree, but the tyranny of the urgent often overwhelms me. Enter needs for a plan to focus on what's important for our marriage, dubbed in our home as "Ten Minutes."

What is "Ten Minutes?" It is ten minutes where we sit down together and focus on prioritizing quality time. We try not to administrate. Sometimes we share feelings. Sometimes we share thoughts. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other, well, my husband more than me. I tend to struggle with silence.

How did we get to, "Ten Minutes?" Well, I remarked some time ago that I was trying to offer my husband love through all of the languages, except quality time, because I did not have it. He remarked that if that was the case, we needed to make time. So we did. We do ten minutes almost every day now. It is one of our non-negotiables.

Why, "Ten Minutes?" Many reasons. It forces us to schedule our activities such that we can have the ten minutes each day. Sometimes we have to put off tasks for it. Sometimes we have to stay up late. Keeping the time regular keeps us at it. My husband says that ten minutes is not the ultimate goal (i.e we often don't stop at the ten minute mark). The goal is connection. Research shows that ten minutes is a sufficient start (Walker, et al., n.d.).

Is "Ten Minutes" productive? Yes and no. In terms of visible productivity, no. I often have to put off tasks in order to engage in it. In terms of connection, yes. This makes sense, for as I hard Dr. David H. Rosmarin say, "Connection is the opposite of productivity" (Macpherson, 2021). Connection is productive for relational health. We want that, so we make time for it. Even if it is only ten minutes.

References:

Macpherson, G. (Host). (2021, August 16). "Dr. David H. Rosmarin. Ancient Jewish Wisdom for Modern Mental Health." In The Trauma Therapist. https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/dr-david-h-rosmarin-ancient-jewish-wisdom-for-modern-mental-health

Pioneer Press. (2011, January 18). 10 minutes of quality talk each day reconnects couples. Twin Cites.com. https://www.twincities.com/2011/01/18/10-minutes-of-quality-talk-each-day-reconnects-couples/

Walker, E., Darrington, J.; & Brower, N. (n.d.). Honey, I’m home: Strengthening your marriage ten minutes at a time. Utah State University. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/strengthening-your-marriage-ten-minutes-at-a-time

Self Care is My Responsibility.

I have never been especially good at self-care. I have become especially bad at it since getting married. It is not the fault of my marriage. In fact, my husband has been a vocal proponent of self-care. I just thought that my job as a wife was to sacrifice and be selfless, and it is, but I have been doing it to my detriment. I could not figure out how to separate self-care from selfishness, and I did not want to be selfish, so I tried to give up self-care. As you can guess, it did not work out well. I am learning that not practicing self-care actually leads to the kind of selfishness I wish to avoid.

I have many times felt like I needed permission to practice self-care. When I would vocalize this need, my husband would tell me that it was not a need. He already gave me permission. In fact, he encouraged me to practice self-care. That freed me up a little, but I still didn't endorse the idea. It felt selfish practicing self-care when I had responsibilities to do. I knew I had permission to do self-care, but I thought I needed time. Then my husband started intentionally doing more and more for me to try to give me time. I felt ashamed and not good enough to take time away from our daily duties, so I kept working. Self-care could wait.

I have put self-care on the back burner to the point that I do not function well, that my husband has to command me to stop doing what I am doing and stop. That is not the best way to have to practice self-care. It is a selfish way to practice self-care, too, because my actions are requiring my husband to stop what he is doing to take care of me. I have realized that although it is his biblical job to take care of me as the leader of our home, I also have a job in my care, and that is self-care.

My husband gets to know me better and better the longer we are married. He cannot read my mind, though. Only I know what is in my head. Only I know the mental signs that I need a break. To push past them is to disconnect from my body, leaving my head hanging and myself a less functional whole (Rosmarin, as cited in Macpherson, 2021). Only I know what I really need in a moment of tension or stress. My husband can offer ideas, but I have to make the choice. Ultimately, if I am not practicing self-care, I am emptying my husband (and possibly others; he is just the closest to me) of resources instead of giving to him, which is what I am supposed to do as his wife and helpmate.

I have come to the conclusion that self-care is my responsibility. I have to practice self-care to avoid selfishness and to be able to sacrifice. As marriage and family therapist Erin Smalley (2021) says, "It’s my job to make sure I'm full so I’m not serving up leftovers." Leftovers are great in terms of making for a quick bite to eat, not so great in terms of sustenance. My marriage needs sustenance. I need sustenance.

I may not be good at self-care. I may be rusty and out of practice. I may not always know what I want or need. I may feel guilty. These are all excuses, though. The fact is that I need an appropriate amount of self-care, to function in my calling as a wife, and beyond. So here's to learning, to following my husband's leading (he wasn't so wrong about self-care after all) and to getting better, for me and for my household as we seek to serve the Lord (Josh 24:15).

References:

Macpherson, G. (Host). (2021, August 16). "Dr. David H. Rosmarin. Ancient Jewish Wisdom for Modern Mental Health." In The Trauma Therapist. https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/dr-david-h-rosmarin-ancient-jewish-wisdom-for-modern-mental-health

Fuller, J. (Host). (2021, September 7). Listen to the metronome. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family.

Bottoming Out

I came home after a ten hour work day, followed directly by a church engagement that ran late. After coming in the door, I tried to put my stuff away and head for the shower, but my husband stopped me. He wanted to talk. I didn't think I could. He insisted that we sit down and try. I did. I tried to take deep breaths. I work to get my thinking brain to engage. I tried to get calm. I absolutely could not. After a few minutes of sobbing, I just went to the shower as planned. As the warm water of the shower fell over me, I realized that I had bottomed out. I was tired, hungry, and absolutely running on empty. There are times when life just takes everything out of us, and this was one of them. I needed to do a better job of filling myself up so that this would not happen so often.

What do we need to fill ourselves up? I think we need to start with the basics: food, water, and sleep. Our bodies require these to function well, but we often deny ourselves of them. We live in a busy culture and it is easy to mismanage our nutrition, fail to adequately hydrate, and cut short our sleep. These things seem expendable, and they are, to an extent, until they are not, until we reach a crisis level of need and bottom out. Our livers empty of fuel about five hours after we eat (Brady, 2021). Yet how many of us go longer than five hours between meals? Or forget to eat all together? That sets us up for failure, especially people like me who get hanger, or my self-dubbed "Chicken Little syndrome" ("The sky is falling"/anxiety) when blood sugar gets low (Hartley, 2019). Low level dehydration may manifest as headache or other malaise that does not adversely affect overall functioning, but may contribute to agitation and then crisis when compiled with other contributing factors. Sleep. We are supposed to get seven or more hours a night (CDC, 2017). Yet how many of us fall short of this? I am raising my hand here. My sleep cup is constantly low. We cannot perfectly control or food, water, or sleep, but we can rethink them and reconsider how we prioritize them.

What empties us? Many things besides lack of food, water, and sleep: Work stress. Family stress. Cultural stress. Weather stress. Emotional stress. Factors behind our control, or at least factors further beyond our control than our own basic needs.

Have you bottomed out lately? As evidenced by the example above, I obviously have, and this has not been the only instance. My bottoming out points me back to my basic needs, needs I need to tend to in order to be more full, and to have more tolerance for those things that empty my cup, those things that are out of my control. My husband was trying to help me the evening I melted down. He had something in his cup to give, and to allow him to tolerate my big feelings. I want to be able to do the same for him, and for others. That means getting back to the basics, back to the basics so that the bottom of my cup might not appear quite so often.

References:

Brady, K. (2021, September 21). 12 mindless habits that are secretly exhausting you. Huff Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/habits-exhausting-you_l_61489344e4b0175a18347a6f.

Center for Disease Control [CDC]. (2017, March 2). How much sleep do I need? https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/how_much_sleep.html

Hartley, R. (2019, August 1). Four types of hunger in intuitive eating: Physical hunger, emotional hunger, taste hunger and practical hunger. The Joy of Eating. https://www.rachaelhartleynutrition.com/blog/four-types-of-hunger-in-intuitive-eating). 

Khatri, M. (2021). What is dehydration? What causes it? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/dehydration-adults#1-3