Everything I Read in August

Finally, a better reading month! I finally finished a few books (eg number 74) and found weekend time to consume a few more. It's been a good months of books overall:

73) Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst—Written after the author’s reconciliation with her husband and before the divorce that ultimately ended her marriage, this is a powerful treatise about what forgiveness is and isn’t. Rich in theology and shared in a personal way through personal stories, this is a call to remember the good, cover sin with the blood of Jesus, leave bitterness behind, and walk forward in freedom and peace. Although readers realize that TerKeurst’s forgiveness didn’t end in ultimate earthly reconciliation, the value of reconciliation with God shines brightly through this book. For that, the book is one people should add to their lists and not forget to read! 

74) Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap...And Others Don't by Jim Collins—This book was a business book, outside my normal course of reading. I read it because I wanted to learn more about leadership and how to be a good leader. This book did give me some input on how to build a great business or organization. Get the right people on the bus. Lead humbly. Have a mission. Get buy-in. The book was a little beyond my scope in terms of research, going into great detail, especially in the appendices, about stocks and profits and so on. I could probably do a little better understanding a book more about the people side of good to great, than the economics side.

75) The Longest Race: Inside the Secret World of Abuse, Doping, and Deception on Nike's Elite Running Team by Kara Goucher with Mary Pilon—Engaging, intriguing, and infuriating, this book gives an inside look at professional running, specifically under the now defamed coach Alberto Salazar. Goucher bars no holds, talking openly about sexual assault, pay inequities, the fertility treatments she needed to get pregnant, getting wrongly diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and more. This book includes language, graphic content, and political statements, but those are all very real inside the world of sport. The book seemed to end a little abruptly, without much comment on Goucher's life now. The book was about her professional running, career, though, so I understand. I just hope that she might now write a book about the longer race of life, especially life as a runner with focal dystonia.

76) Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke, MD—Pros for this book are that the author writes about science and psychology in approachable, readable ways. She writes through stories, those of her patients, and those of her own, about how the world of plenty has harmed us, and how we could do better to balance pleasure and pain. Lembke writes some about the power of “prosocial shame” and the value of connection. Major cons are the explicit references to sexual and substance addictions that could themselves be triggers for people who struggle with these issues. I think the author's heart is good, but this book is way too unbalanced on the con side for me to recommend it to anyone.

77) Before You Lose Your Faith: Deconstructing Doubt in the Church Edited by Ivan Mesa—While not the most scintillating treatise on deconversion, this collection of essays asks hard questions about why people leave the church. The book challenges current pastors and churchgoers to consider making space for doubt, to enrich theology of suffering, and to make a way for people to see the real Jesus. For those deconverting, it challenges the idea that deconstruction is radical. It is more so the norm. Finding true faith is what is truly radical. Considering the issues raised in this book might point readers closer to truth faith that lasts.

78) Identity Theft: Reclaiming the Truth of Who We Are in Christ Edited by Melissa Krueger—This was a solid book—solid in that it challenged and encouraged me to found more of my identity on and in Christ. Each chapter goes through a way that identity has been stolen, the truth about identity in Christ, and how Christ can transform believers more into His image as a result. The chapters each have a scripture memory verse and discussion questions as well, making this a great resource for womens' study groups. I came away from reading this renewed, refreshed, and reminded that my identity rests in Christ, not in what I do, who I know, or anything else. Christ is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father, except through [Him]” (John 14:6, NIV).

79) 100 Days to Brave: Devotions for Unlocking Your Most Courageous Self by Annie F. Downs—This is really a great, very thorough devotional! I thought it would encourage me to go out and do crazy things, so I was honestly a little hesitant to start. As I read, though, I found encouragement to be a good wife, friend, employee, etc. Downs covers well all aspects of wellness: emotional, mental, spiritual, etc. Each day's reading is 1-2 pages, and contains a verse and a challenge question. I really recommend this book!

80) Coming Home: Essays on the New Heaven and New Earth Edited by D. A. Carson and Jeff Robinson, Sr. —When I opened this book, I expected to read some dense theological explorations of the end times. Instead, what I found were more practical, consumable essays about what the future of a new heaven and new earth mean for Christian living today. Written forms of addresses from the 2015 Gospel Coalition, the chapters of this book encourage readers to study their Bibles, act righteously and justly today, and look to God to give the final answers about what the new heaven and new earth will be like. The authors encourage readers and pastors not to shy away from difficult topics, but to embrace them so that they can learn more about God and have more empathy for believers around the world, even those who think differently about end times and justice matters. This is a reasonable, and fairly quick read for those looking for some fresh perspective on the eternity of home.

81) Mountain Sanctuary by Lenora Worth—This was a sweet story about a washed up cop who meets a single mom trying to rebuild her life after losing both her mother and her husband. There is a lot in this book about faith, biblical truths to give readers pause, and a reminder that ultimate sanctuary is in God the Father. Although this book ends as expected, and a bit abruptly at that, it was a sweet restful read, perfect for a weekend respite from the trials of daily life. 

82) A Season of Forgiveness by Brenda Coulter—This book starts with a bang, literally, a gunshot that could have killed Victoria Talcott, but did not, thanks to the divine intervention of the McGarry brothers. Victoria has always tried to live a safe life, worrying, and double-checking constantly in an attempt to make that happen. Now life is anything but safe. While working to find her equilibrium, she spends time with her rescuers, one of whom she can fall for, all but the safety part. Meanwhile, Victoria is also trying to keep her job as library archivist safe. She believes she has a means by which to do so, only to discover it means that doing so would mean disclosing a secret kept safe for years, a secret kept safe by a man who decided long ago that “Real love forgives....Every single time, it forgives.” Filled with challenges to believe, trust God, have faith, and seek scripture, this book definitely has some twists and turns, all of which ultimately result in reconciling love, God's saving, forgiving love most of all.

Hard Times Teach Me To Be Present.

Difficult times always teach me something. I may not like it, but it is true, and sometimes, I probably would not learn that lesson any other way. Lately, hard times have been teaching me to be present. 

I often struggle to live in the present, but presently, in this hard time, the ability to do so has become even more salient. In the midst of hard times, all my nervous system can handle is the now, and barely, at that. I often think of the verses in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 where Paul writes, "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself....But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead" (New International Version, 2011). I can handle the present only by relying on God's strength, not for today, or for tomorrow, but for now.

This hard time is teaching me to be present because I truly do not know what the future holds. I never really do, but it has become more apparent this time around. All I can do is try to be faithful in the moment, waiting and trusting that God will also give me strength to handle whatever comes in the future.

I hate hard times, really, I do, but God is sovereign over all. Therefore, I have to learn to accept this trial as something good from his hand. Maybe this will turn out good for me. Maybe it won't. What matters most is that it will turn out for the good of showing God's glory to the world. To be part of that is a present, and perhaps the greatest lesson that hard times can teach me. 

Reference:

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/

Two Little Letters

I am a helper. It's my job, and I also think it's part of my spiritual gifting and calling. But helping has its struggles. Lately, I've felt so burdened by its weight. So many people. So many causes. So many needs. I just can't manage it all. And that's because I can't. I've been realizing that in the midst of this all, I can care, but I can't save. I never consciously told myself I had saving abilities, but somehow I was acting like it. The words caring and saving differ by only two little letters, but in actual living, they differ greatly.

Caring and saving are both verbs. They are both actions. They differ greatly in motivation, however. I show care because I value someone, because I like or love them, because I want to help. I try to save when I think too much of my own abilities, when I am afraid, when I don't think I can survive if that person isn't save. Care comes from a place of peace and calm and trust in God. Saving comes from a place of not trusting God and thinking that I have to be God.

Care includes care for myself and others, so that I can sustain the work. Saving is often a panic grasping at straws to try to get something done, most often for others, without much focus on if the action is healthy for me, or for them. Caring is about sustaining. Saving is about survival, which puts me into survival brain.

S for C. V for R. The differences are slight in spelling, but immense in functioning. I am not made for saving the world. There is one Savior, and I am not it. Instead of grasping at straws, may I submit all my straws to Him and trust Him to fill my cup and sustain those I love. I simply don't have what it takes.

What It Looks Like to Care

Care. "The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something" (Oxford Languages, n.d.). I used to think it was about me doing the work: physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or emotionally. Now I realize it is so much more.

Sometimes care looks like asking for help. I want to do the thing, but I can't. So I ask for help, and I accept the help offered.

Sometimes care looks like letting someone else do the task. Their way. Their care. I have to humble myself, especially when their care is better than what I could offer.

Sometimes care looks like making hard decisions, decisions other people might not like. Decisions of which others might not approve, but in my own heart, I determine are right before God, and before the ones in question.

And sometimes care looks like not making decisions. It looks like letting circumstances ride out their course. It looks like letting people face consequences for their decisions, sometimes very difficult ones. Sometimes it hurts a lot to care in this way.

Care. It's both a lot harder, and a lot fuller than I ever imagined. May God continue to teach me what the word means, even I learn to accept that in all this big, beautiful, and hard life, He is caring perfectly for me.

Reference:

Oxford Languages. (n.d.). Google's English Dictionary. https://www.google.com/search?q=care+definition

Focal Dystonia: A Lesson in Acceptance

Humans are meaning-making creatures. When we make meaning out of things, they seem earlier to accept. It feels like we have more control. We we can't make sense of our situations, when we don't have an A + B = C equation, it's difficult. In those situations, we can try and try and kick against the goads, or we can work on acceptance.

I am on a long journey of acceptance with focal dystonia. I chased diagnoses and solutions for so long. I wanted my situation to be fixable, curable. It it was carpal tunnel syndrome, or cubital tunnel syndrome, I could have surgery. If it was nutritional, I could take supplements. If it was neurological, I could take medication. As it stands, the problem is in fact neurological, and I do take medication, but it does not abate the symptoms. It only eases them, slightly, if it is a good day.

I grasp at straws. I wanted to find out what my condition was. I did. I wanted to heal it. I can't. I wanted to understand this condition. I am learning to, as much as anyone else does, but information is limited. I want to make meaning, but I can't. 

I have asked myself if it is my fault that I got focal dystonia. Did I crochet too much? Type too much? Use my hand wrong? Is this a consequence or punishment for bad habits or ways of living? Is my brain not good enough to heal? Am I not good enough to heal? If this is my fault, maybe my condition will make a little more sense.

No one really knows what causes focal dystonia, though, so the point is mute. I have focal dystonia. Unless God does a miracle, or by common grace, allows doctors and scientists to find a miracle cure, I am stuck with this. My choices are to keep looking for answers, to fight it, or just accept it. 

This focal dystonia is a thorn in the flesh. It causes me pain. It limits my activities. In God's sovereignty, though, he has allowed me to have this condition, and allowed it to persist. I can fight God, and fight my condition, or accept it. It's not a one-time acceptance, either, but a constant one, as the condition morphs and changes with times and conditions. 

Oh, this life. I wish it was easy. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I only know the One who does, and am working to accept what he allows me to receive out of his merciful, gracious, loving hands.

The Elusive Margin

Growing up, I thought that I would some day "arrive" in life. I thought would someday reach a point where things would settle down. Where I would get work done, and still have margin for fun and enjoyment. When there would either be less hard, or somehow, I would be more equipped to cope with the hard. Where I would thrive instead of just survive. None of these times have come for me. Life is still hard, harder than ever. The things that fly at me almost always seem like more than I can handle. Margin comes sometimes, but rarely, if ever consistently. I don't think the life I imagined I could get to will ever come, and as such, I am learning to live life differently.

I am realizing more and more that I just have to take respite as it comes. I need to sink in and enjoy it, because who knows when the next wave will hit. I need to enjoy respite without trying to prepare so much for the next wave, too, because that negates the benefit of any rest breaks I may have.

Sometimes I have to make margin, too. I have to let things go. I have to deal with the dirty. I have to set things aside. I have to choose my priorities, because without margin, I am powerless to do much of anything.

Margin may be a moment. It may be minutes. Or maybe margin is few hours, or even a few days of a little longer lull in the overall action. When it comes, I just gotta take it, savor it, and soak it up. And if it's not coming, I gotta make it, because who knows the next time it will come.

A life of margin is elusive. The longer I live, the less I think it exists. But margin I take and make? Maybe that is more possible. If nothing else, maybe keeping an active eye out for it will make it less elusive.

Real Life Marriage: "Two are Better Than One"

King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up" (New International Version, Ecclesiastes 4:8-9). Up until now, I always thought of this verse in terms of its first part: work. I saw marriage as a partnership that was supposed to help people be more productive and effective. Now I realize the truth of the second part: having a life partner helps us weather the storms of life.

I went through a weekend of hard stuff recently. My husband happened to be traveling at the same time. I coped the best I could, using all the tools I had with me. I called my husband frequently. My nervous system was wiped from everything, but I thought I was doing okay.

Then my husband returned home. I told him what was happening, and also that I could handle it on my own. I thought I could, or should. He tried to engage with me about the matter. I pushed him away. It was not right, but it was what I thought I had to do. After some long conversation and a meltdown, I finally agreed to let him back in as partner on things. I still was not sure I should, though.

The next day, I woke up and went to work, as I had while he was gone. Those work days without him had been hard, feeling like a sludge through mud thickened by a long storm. That day, though, was different. I felt more empowered, more able. I felt more connected to myself, and to others. The next day, though long and tiring, and still hard, felt similar. I could only attribute it to my husband being back home. I had my person. I knew he would be home when I got back there, that at least at home, I could be safe.

Wise King Solomon did not have the science accessible today, but he was onto something about two being better than one. People need people, and they do better in community. Scientists today attribute the value of social support, in part, to mirror neurons (Winerman, 2005). These are the type of brain cells that respond when we see other people say, think, do, or feel things. They are responsible for emotions like sympathy and empathy. I am no neuroscientist, but I would guess that our mirror neurons attune most to the people with whom we spend the most time (Regan, 2021). For me, that person is my husband.

There is also the process of co-regulation. Co-regulation is the process through which humans regulate themselves by drawing on the nervous system of another person (Khidekel, 2022). My husband is generally very calm. Sometimes this drives me nuts, because I want to see that he sees the urgencies and crises I see. He does, but he retains the ability to stay calm and regulated, and whether I like it in the moment or not, this helps me. It helps preserve the safety of our home environment (Double, 2021). It helps us help each other back up to better places when we fall.

Two are better than one. I am more acutely aware of that than ever. My husband is my person. He is committed to me. He gets me. He helps me. As we become more "one" over the course of our marriage, I hope that I will be a help to him as he is to me.

References:

Double, K. (2021, April 12). The co-regulation effect. Relationship restoration. https://relationshiprestoration.org/2021/04/12/the-co-regulation-effect/

Khidekel, M. (2022, September 16). Have you ever tried co-regulation? WonderMind. https://www.wondermind.com/article/coregulation/

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/

Regan, S. (2021, June 1). Why attunement is essential in relationships & how to practice it. Mind Body Green. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attunement

Winerman, L. (2005, October.) The mind's mirror. Monitor on psychology, (36)9, p. 48. https://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror

Different: Take it Or Leave It

I went to an arcade with my husband and friends. I came home an hour later. I wanted to go. I enjoyed being there. I stayed as long as I wanted.

I felt kind of sheepish as I came home, though, embarrassed, even ashamed. They stayed out a whole lot longer than I did. They even went to a second arcade, hoping it would be less crowded and more quiet. (They report that it wasn't.) I hate being different, and that night, it stood out that I was very different. It felt bad.

My window of tolerance for social engagement, noise, and stimuli is small. Whether it is nature or nurture, it is the way I am. I can honor that and cut out of social engagements when I need to, or I can push it and grow bitter and resentful. (I know because I have tried it.) Often times when I push it, I say or do mean things as I try to recover. I decide I never want to do that kind of thing again (and often I don't). It's not positive. 

So my options are to do what I did that night: go and engage a little bit and them go home, or not go at all. I am learning to do the former, and to try to accept that I am just different in what I can handle. Maybe my tolerance will change. Maybe it won't. This is just me, and I have to take it or leave it.

Things That Are Helping Me Survive

While I have several posts drafted to share, nothing feels quite right to post this week. It's been a long one, several long ones, really. I'm just trying to survive. In light of that and in lieu of a different kind of post, I'm sharing products, mindsets, and strategies helping me do just that: survive.

Products:

A good insulated mug (I recently bought this one-for drinking lots of hot chocolate)

Alexa or other speaker (for listening to loud hip hop when it is the only thing that will motivate me to do the dishes)

Ice cream (no particular brand, sometimes you just need it, you know?)

Running shoes (Brooks Ghost are my favorite-not to burn off the ice cream, but to allow me to get my mental health movement in while trying to also care for my body)

Wireless ear buds (useful for taking all the phone calls that come in while I need to be doing other things, but also for listening to podcasts and encouraging music when I need to drown out mental noise)

Mantras and Mindsets:

Does it really matter?

One decision at a time.

Grace (for self and others).

Simplify.

Prioritize.

Strategies:

Stock up (on simple meal components)

Use easy meal templates (right now: quesadilla, grilled cheese, or potatoes and a veggie)

Help your future self (do something today to help tomorrow)

Savor the respite (enjoy the breaks, because who knows when the next one might come).

Tell your people so they can pray!