Elusive Trust

Trust. It's a tricky thing. I think I have it, and then I suddenly realize I don't. And it's the slightest things that tend to reveal my lack of trust. That person not doing what they said they'd do one time. My husband coming home slightly later than expected. A miscommunication. Yes, sometimes it's big things, too, things that end relationships, but more often it's ins and outs of everyday life. I think the problem comes down to trust in God.

I don't think I fully trust God. I know I should, but as a fallen human, I don't. Change shows me this. Change is inevitable, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes neutral, but always part of life. And it freaks me out. This is what shows me that I don't fully trust God. Because if I did, I would be stable. I would be immovable, fixed on God, the ever unchanging one (Heb 13:8). I am not fully there.

Because I am not fully founded and rooted in God, I struggle to trust myself. I question my body when it changes. I question if I can trust my intuition. I question my five senses. I question myself. That then transfers to others. I question my husband. I question my friends. I question motives. I question intentions. I question.

Thus far in life trust, or at least total and complete trust, has alluded me. It bugs me. It bugs those I love. (Ask my husband!) I am sure it grieves God. So I've got to work on it, work on believing what I read in the Word. Work on believing what I know. Work on accepting change, knowing that God is not elusive. He is ever present. He never fails, and that changes the world!

What I Used/What I Used Up (Week 1)

I like meal planning. Really, I do! Sometimes it just gets tedious and annoying, though. So, in an attempt to bring back some joy, infuse a little fun, and maybe help a few others, I am starting a little blog series: What I Used/What I Used Up. My plan is to share what I used of my meal plan, and also what I used up in cooking it that week. My hope is to use up more of what I have in the freezer, fridge and pantry, (or at least cycle through the old stuff and decide what I really need to replace as I attempt to simplify my life at little bit).

Last year, I drew meal prep inspiration from several great blog series, the Food We Ate series from Imma Eat That, and the weekly dinner menus from This Week for Dinner. Though I never actually listened to the episodes, I also like the idea of the "Empties" from Didn't I Just Feed You. This is my attempt to follow in their footsteps.

What I Used--

Breakfasts:

Apple-quinoa parfait (Rise and Run)

Gingerbread pumpkin muffins (Chicago Jogger) and scrambled eggs with kale (Simply Recipes) 

Super simple granola 

Fluffy pancakes (All Recipes)

Lunches:

Big-batch Instant Pot white beans (Epicurious)

Carrot and romaine salads with shredded chicken, salsa, and Basil Parmesan vinaigrette
(The Best 50 Salad Dressings)

Dinners:

Chicago deep-dish style veggie pizza (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook)

Veggie pizza (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook)

Torta Azteca (Mom's recipe)

Florentine frittata (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook) and sweet potato sage biscuits (Rise and Run)

Snacks:

Hot chocolate

Peanuts

Single serve baked oatmeal and oatmeal mug cakes

What I Used Up--

Freezer:

Peas (remainder of the bag)
Pumpkin oatmeal muffins (Used up the rest I froze)
Spinach (whole bag)
Torta Azteca (Leftovers I froze)

Fridge:

Applesauce (remainder of the jar)

Celery (remainder of the bag)

Green onions (remainder)

Onion (chopped and froze the remainder)

Mayonnaise (remainder of the jar)

Parmesan (remainder of the bag)

Whole carrots (remainder of the bag)

What I Replaced:

Applesauce

Mayonnaise

Parmesan

What I Prepped for Next Week:

Blueberry protein doughnuts (Fit Foodie Finds)

Double chocolate banana bread (Handle the Heat)

Spiced oatmeal muffins (Five Heart Home)

Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)

Chicken and kale soup (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook)

Lentil stew with butternut squash (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook)

Tuna-macaroni salad (Betty Crocker)

Simplify.

I am not usually one for "Word of the Year" quizzes. Yes, I take them, and yes, I often pick a word for the year (or month, or day), but I'm not usually one to just take the word I get from a quiz and use it as my own. This year is different. When I did the word of the year quiz from Dayspring, that word fit, and I am running with it. Or maybe I should say, I am pondering it.

Twenty twenty-three was a year of hard stuff, for me, for my family, and for my friends. While I like challenges and proving to myself that I can do hard things, right now, it seems like life itself is hard enough. I am (for right now) kind of over forcing more hard stuff. I just want to be present, to focus on what matters, and to enjoy life. 

I have a few races on the calendar for 2024. I am training for them. How hard remains to be seen. We have a vacation scheduled for the summer. I look forward to these things, but I am trying not to over invest in them. I just want to be present here and now.

Challenges are good. Doing hard things is good. Right now, though, I'm simplifying. What that means and how far it goes remains to be seen. God knows, and I rest in that.

Afghan 79

This afghan was not quite as quick as advertised (since I used regular, rather than bulky yarn) but I still like the way it turned out. Stripes for the win!

Hook: size J Boye ergonomic crochet hook

Yarn:

Red Heart soft white

Red Heart soft navy

Pattern: Quick crochet baby blanket (Crochet Dreamz)

Finished size: 28 by 43 inches

Everything I Read in December

I got tired of reading fiction. I started watching more Christmas movies. I know I spent way too much time scrolling social media, but I just really wanted to sit by the Christmas tree and veg out (which is what I did). So here's my meager reading list from the month (padded with all the books that took a year to read, eg. devotionals and the Bible). While I did not read a lot, I did read some really impactful books, including Nothing to Prove, and The Burning Edge. Nothing to Prove was probably the better book, but The Burning Edge reminded me of the tragedy that prompted me to move back to Arizona and see if I could help my community, which is a great thing to remember as I close out this year and begin a new one tomorrow (full reviews below).

123) So Close to Amazing by KariAnne Wood—A tale from the creator of the blog Thistleberry Farms, this is the tale of KariAnne Wood's imperfect leap of a move from Texas to Kentucky. Filled with some heartwarming stories and tongue-in-cheek humor, this is an easy read, but not one that I found particularly meaningful. The DIY projects with each chapter seemed cute, but not me, either. Maybe if I would have enjoyed this book more if I had a connection to the author, but I don't.

124) Prodigal Daughter by Patricia Davis—Melissa Hamilton made some mistakes, and now she has come home to face her family and deal with them. She is trying to make a life change, but not everyone believes her. Then there is a rival newspaper trying to take advantage of her story. Along the way is Richard McNeil, her family's attorney, and a man whose friendship, and more, she craves, but thinks she cannot have. This book reminds me a bit of Atonement Child in its exploration of unplanned pregnancy and consideration of adoption. Aunt Lettie and her wisdom give it a special spin. This is a tear-jerker of a tale, and a strong witness to the gospel, with the entirety of the Parable of the Prodigal Son written out in the book's pages. This is a great, complex story for all who struggle, question God, want to make their way home, or want to keep on in assurance of their eternal home, despite the sorrows of this life.

125) Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Half-Marathon Training by Heather Hedrick, MS, RD—While this books contains some dated information (2005), when it comes to a beginner's guide, this is a good one. It is less a specific training plan for the half-marathon, and more holistic advice about starting and maintaining a healthy running journey for any distance. With information about adapting to weather, preventing injury, strength training, nutrition, and more, this book can benefit beginners, but also more experienced runners as well.

126) A Christian Marriage Book: 52-Week Devotional for Wives by Tamara Chamberlain—This really was a solid devotional! Each two page entry (one for each week of the year) focused around a specific scripture and aspect of marriage. Each devotional ended with either a question to reflect on or a prayer to pray. Covering a gamut of topics from prayer to communication to intimacy, this is an accessible book that can help women pursue godliness in their marriages.

127) Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard by Jennie Allen—This book got me, hard! Allen says she wrote it in three weeks after conviction to do so, and man, it shows! After vulnerably sharing her own struggles trying to be enough, Allen unpacks passages from John that show that only Jesus is enough, and only by leaning into and pursuing Him can we have enough to fulfill our callings. With heart piercing questions at the end of each chapter, as well as a discussion guide at the end of the book, this would make for great individual or corporate study. Being convicted is not comfortable, but man, try as hard as you might, I don't think you'll get away reading Allen's book without a good dose of it, and in the best Jesus-way possible!

128) The Homemade Pantry: 101 Foods You Can Stop Buying and Start Making by Alana Chermila—I enjoyed this cookbook! Part food memoir, part pantry staple guide, this book includes 11 "aisles" of recipes, explaining how to make everything from the basics to Twinkies from scratch. The author makes a small nod to cooking at home being healthier, but otherwise writes of it as a habit of life. As she writes in her concluding chapter, “Food is always about so much more than food itself—so many aspects of how we live are expressed on our plates.” While I think that there are times and places for packaged and prepared foods, I agree that eating food made at home is generally more enjoyable, and this cookbook could help make that a reality for more and more people. 

129) Bomb Shelter: Love, Time, and Other Explosives by Mary Laura Philpott—I’m not really sure how I got to this book. Maybe a social media post? Maybe a podcast? The title drew me in. I like books about life and all of its struggles. This book was a struggle for me to read, though. Philpott is an excellent essayist/memoirist. I related to some of what she shares about life and worry and love. I appreciate her empathy for humanity. Her writing, however, falls flat for me. The greatest meaning she finds in life is love, which is great, but without everlasting love, meaningless. She swears sometimes, which bugged me. I wanted to like this book, really, I did (which is partly why I finished it). I think I’ll wait for more from my favorite Christian memoirist, Shauna Niequist, than read more from this author.

130) The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Kate Bowler—This is another gem of a book from anti-prosperity gospel, Duke Divinity School professor, podcaster, and cancer survivor Kate Bowler. Each of the 100 blessings she writes acknowledge the "hard" of life while encouraging searching for God in the midst of them. Outside of a few uses of swear words, the blessings resonated with me greatly. As a bonus, the book contains plans for Lent and Advent reading. This book is a keeper! Get it today!

131) On the Burning Edge by Kyle Dickman—Nineteen hotshots died in Yarnell, Arizona June 30, 2013 in one of the worst firefighting disasters to date. What went into their deaths is more than meets the eye, as is the formation of the unit and the dynamics in it. Following the crew from its inception to its demise, this book narrates intimate details of each hotshot's life, as well as perspectives on the tragedy that occurred. Based on interviews with family members of the deceased, a month's long stint in Prescott, and extensive research, this is a fact-checked AND captivating story. Think Unbroken, firefighting style. If you live in or around Arizona and know of this tragedy, read for perspective. If not, it is still a thought-provoking, even if tragic, read about camaraderie, fires, the state of the forests, and firefighting.

132) My Lost Brothers by Brendan McDonough with Stephan Talty—This is the story of Brendan McDonough, aka Donut, the lone survivor of the fire that took nineteen Granite Mountain hotshots. In is own words, McDonough tells his story, or growing up fatherless in California, of doing and selling drugs in and after high school, and of becoming a hot shot as a last ditch effort to save himself. He writes of how the hot shots became his family. He tells how Eric Marsh helped him learn to control his anger, and how other men on the team taught him to be a good father. He implicates no one in the tragic turn of events that took the lives of his “substitute family.” Rather, he writes of the survivor’s guilt that plagued him, of believing he had to do it all, of the lawsuits that prevented him from talking, and of the emptiness and thoughts of suicide. Hot shotting had saved him from it once, and only a therapist who saw him in a bar and arranged for him to go to therapy saved him from it again. In his conclusion, McDonough acknowledges that hot shotting is a dangerous profession. He shares ideas to make it safer, like giving hot shots GPS locators, increasing resources to fight fires (eg airplanes and helicopters), and the formation of a wildland firefighter’s union. These things haven’t happened, but he hopes they will, in memory of his brothers, and the others like them who have also lost their lives trying to save the lies and livelihoods of others.

133) Little Girl Blue: The Life of Karen Carpenter by Randy L Schmidt—While I am not a fan of Karen Carpenter, my dad was, and after hearing a series of podcasts about Carpenter's life on the podcast, You're Wrong About, I decided to read this book. An intense study of Karen's life, from the early years, to her tragic early death, this book unveils both her talent, and her pain; her desire for true love and quest for it, and ultimate failure to find it. It uncovers her long struggle with anorexia nervosa, first discussed as Irritable Bowel Disease, and later developing into full-fledged purging anorexia, with a use of laxatives that is thought to have ultimately lead to poisoning her to death. This book is both a tribute to Karen Carpenter and a warning, a warning to love those close to you, and to express that care before it is too late. Many seem to think Karen could have lived had the care and love she craved come sooner. Perhaps that is an oversimplification. Perhaps not. We will never know.

134) Savor: Living Abundant As You Are, Where You Are by Shauna Niequiest—I read this devotional once before, and this year, my husband and I read through it together, cooking the recipes in the book as well. Upon second reading, I have to say that the devotional strike me just as deeply. I do need to slow down and savor life. As for the application of the devotionals, I realize now that they are more female oriented. (Sorry, husband!) Some of the recipes are a bit gourmet, but we adapted them and enjoyed them as they were.

135) The Bible—I can't really write a review for this one, other than to say that it is God's Word and worth reading and studying. Once again, I used the One Year Bible plan for my reading. It really works for me. I especially appreciate the online links for reading when I am traveling and might not have my actual paper Bible with me.

The Crystallized Moments of 2023

Another year, and another year of months, days, weeks, hours, minutes, and moments. These are a few of the memories that have crystallized for me, burning into my memory in lasting, meaningful ways:

That feeling of floating running the Mesa Marathon 10K (I never imagined I could run that fast!)

Touring Coronado Island outside San Diego (wonder and awe)

The finish line after The Fresh 15 15K (the love of the family with me)

Porch sitting (both in the Spring and the Fall; a place of peace)

Watching the Monarch butterfly exhibit at the ASU Mix Center (and just being still)

Dinner with my little brother (Being adults and getting along is so much fun!)

Standing with my mom AND my dad after the Patriot Run to take photos (After the medical 

issues my dad experienced this year, I did not know if this would ever happen again.)

Meeting Ashley LeMieux

Looking over Tempe from the Coca-Cola sundeck (after a little bit of a rough start to that date)

My four and a half year old niece asking me to run with her at the playground

Coffee with a college friend

A healthy Christmas at home

Popping in to surprise my best friend and meet her baby

Spending some time with my Granddad

Here's to another year of memories, and savoring all that God has for us!

Recent Things I've Learned About Running

Running has looked quite different for me recently. Yes, I ran quite a few races this year. The 15K in March was my longest since my one and only half marathon. The changes, though, have been more behind this scenes. Listening to podcasts and reading about running have become taken second and third places behind my running, and as I result, I have changed some things. Here's a bit of what I have learned in order to run better, (and more enjoyably!):

Running fasted is not faster. Fuel makes all the difference.

It takes 20-30 minutes for fuel to reach the bloodstream, so fuel early, and fuel often (Featherstun, n.d.a)!

(But you can eat [graham crackers (Featherstun, n.d. b); poptarts (Wingeroth, 2022) etc.) and run out the door. The energy will just set in later.)

The body prefers to run off carbs (Featherstun, 2022).

Protein is best used for hypertrophy when eaten in the morning (Hubermann, n.d.)

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Running shoes are worth the investment.

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Body heat affects performance (Thermohuman, 2022). Drinking cold water/dumping water on you can increase performance in the heat.

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Decreasing HRV can mean overtraining (Couzens, n.d.). (I get this data from my Apple watch and sometimes use it to determine if the day is better for a speed workout, steady state training, or a long run).

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Good running form engages the core (Martin, 2023).

Polarized training is better (80/20 running) (Fitzgerald, n.d.).

Strength training matters (Martin, 2023). Strength train after running for endurance, before running for strength.

--

Stretch, stretch, stretch.

Foam rolling helps greatly with recovery (How to Run Guide, 2018).

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Running is a privilege. To learn how to do it better is immense privilege. Thank you, Jesus, for these resources!

References:

Cozens, A. (n.d.) How monitoring your heart rate variability helps you avoid overtraining. Training Peaks. https://www.trainingpeaks.com/blog/how-monitoring-your-heart-rate-variability-helps-you-avoid-overtraining/

Featherstun, M. (n.d. a) Fueling for race day. Featherstone Nutrition. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/fueling-for-race-day/

Featherstun, M. (n.d. b) The graham slam. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/fueling-for-race-day/ https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/the-graham-slam/

Featherstun, M. (2022, September 26). Featherstone Nutrition. Why you need to stop being scared of carbs. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/why-you-need-to-stop-being-scared-of-carbs/

Fitzgerald, M. (n.d.). Understanding your 80/20 run plan. 80/20 Endurance. https://www.8020endurance.com/understanding-your-8020-run-plan/

How to Run Guide. (2018, July 22). The complete guide to foam rolling for runners. https://howtorunguide.com/foam-rolling-for-runners/

Huberman, A. (n.d.) Why is protein good in the AM? Dexa. https://dexa.ai/huberman/?q=why+is+protein+good+in+the+AM

Martin, H. (2023, January 4). How to unlock proper core engagement for running. The Run Experience. https://therunexperience.com/proper-core-engagement-for-running/

Martin, H. (2023, February 7). How to combine running and weightlifting for optimal results. The Run Experience. https://therunexperience.com/how-to-combine-running-and-weightlifting-for-optimal-results/

Thermohuman. (2022, November 30). Negative effects of heat on performance, what can we do to avoid them? https://thermohuman.com/2022/11/30/negative-effects-of-heat-on-performance-what-can-we-do-to-avoid-them/

Wingeroth, L. (2022, September 2022). Why this RD says Pop-Tarts are the ideal pre-run fuel. Well + Good. https://www.wellandgood.com/pop-tarts-pre-workout/