Marriage Misnomers: A Good Marriage is a Good Marriage.

I am blessed when I hear people affirm our marriage: "You all started off good, so you'll have a good marriage." "You all have a good marriage." "You're doing good." Said with authenticity, I appreciate the sentiment. Said to flatter or without knowledge of the hardships of life, I rue the statements. And all of them, I believe contain a fallacy that a good marriage is always a good marriage. No! A good marriage takes work.

There is certainly something to be said for the value of preparation for marriage. Compatibility tests, premarital counseling, and a fair amount of planning have their proper places. I would argue that it is foolish to rush into marriage without some discussion of what it may be like and some seeking of external wisdom. Starting off a marriage in a good place does not ensure that it will stay a good marriage, however.

Weekly check-ins, regular date nights, planned vacations--these, too, play a role in making a good marriage. Honesty, vulnerability, laughter, and fun all contribute to the strength of a relationship, but in and of themselves, they do not make a good marriage.

I would suggest that pursuing a good marriage does not always feel good, at least for the individual. Sometimes pursuing the good in marriage means self-sacrifice of personal good. Sometimes it looks like walking through deep waters. Sometimes it means doing hard work in counseling. Sometimes it means reciting vows through gritted teeth and just trying to get through another day of covenant.

Sometimes marriage feels good, for sure! Love reigns supreme. Bonds are close. Affection is frequent and regular. Communication is clear. These are not all the days, however.

A good marriage is a good marriage not because of feeling but because of constant, continual work. Marriage requires not just maintenance, but progression. A good marriage is a good marriage because the partners work at it, and in a Christian marriage, because God is at work.

Acting "As If"

I have a hard time trusting my husband. It is not that he is not trustworthy-he is. I just struggle to trust anyone. Although I know in my head that I am very needy, I am also a rugged individualist and want to do everything for myself. Top it all off with a fear of others disappointing me, and I get trust issues.

My husband said to me the other day, though, "I don't care if you trust me. Act as if." He did not take my trust struggles personally. He just gave me feedback about how to act. I appreciated that. No judgment. No emotional reaction. Just the facts.

I did not want to trust my husband that day, but I did, or at least I followed his advice to act "as if." It was not easy, but neither was trying to stand in solidarity. Since that time, I have tried acting "as if" a few more times, and you know what? It works!

I don't often feel like trusting. I don't often feel like doing a lot of things, for that matter, but sometimes I know the right thing and I just have to do it. I have to act as if until the feelings come, or don't come. I just have to act and keep going.

I don't know what you're going through, friend, but maybe you need to act "as if." Maybe you need to stand on faith rather than on fear. Maybe you need to follow facts over feeling. I know it is hard. Believe me. But it's worth it. Good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who act.

Low-Heat Meal Prep

It's hot! We hit 118 several days last week, and the heat has not let up much this week. People in our geographical area have experienced power outages, and the city sent out an e-mail asking users to conserve energy between 3 and 8 pm by using less appliances that take a lot of power (as dishwashers, ovens, etc.). Meal prep is part of our current way of life, but given the heat and the city's request, I needed to do things a little differently. That led to this low-heat meal prep.

What is low heat? Well, since we keep our house at 80 degrees already, that meant meals that created as little heat as necessary to make. The oven was definitely off limits, and I wanted to use the stove as little as possible. Additionally, I wanted meals that could be eaten cold, or reheated with little extra energy output. 

Here is what I came up with:

Breakfast:

Carrot cake overnight oats (No cook/raw)

Stove-top granola (Not pictured)

Lunches:

Mexican chicken and vegetable bowls (Chicken cooked in the Instant Pot; eaten cold)

Sandwiches (Not pictured)

Dinners:

Ricotta/asparagus pasta salad with ham (Stovetop; eaten cold)

Spicy black bean and caramelized onion tacos (Stovetop; eaten cold)

Snacks:

Apples (Not pictured)

Bananas (Preferably frozen; not pictured)

Baked oatmeal (based on this recipe by Budget Bytes; eaten cold)

*I cooked this in the microwave for 14 minutes verses 45 minutes in the oven based on GE's microwave recipe conversion ratio.

Carrot sticks (Not pictured)

Cheese sticks (Not pictured)

Peanuts (Not pictured)

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Could I have reduced or eliminated stove-top cooking for this prep? Sure! I could have made raw meals, or solely used the Instant Pot, but this worked. I made the no-cook recipes at night, and spent a few mornings with the stove and voila, done!

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Readers, what are your favorite low-heat/no cook recipes? What do you eat to help survive the summer heat? Please share in the comments section.

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*For more inspiration, see Work Week Lunch's "Cold Lunch Ideas" blog post or no-reheat meal preps.

The Encouraging Words of a Dad

 

My dad is not necessarily a person of few words. He is friendly as ever and can strike up a conversation with almost anyone. When he gives words of encouragement, however, they are often succinct, to the point, and in some ways, prophetic. I have often referred to my dad as my biggest cheerleader, and to that extent, I thought I would share some of the words he has said that have had the greatest impact on my life:

You're going to make it.

When you get through this, you're going to help other people.

Just do the next right thing.

Do you know you're loved?

Love you stacks and piles!

As I wrote a card to my dad this year, I reflected on how grateful I was for him. "Thank you," seemed too little to say, but at the same time, just right. 

I love you, Dad, and I am so thankful for you. Happy Father's Day!

Life Hacks for the Busy Woman

Any busy women out there? I'm raising my hand! Working full-time, especially with a commute can take most of the minutes of the day. Then there's cooking, cleaning, laundry, and the house in general to keep up (at least for the women who like me, still want to fulfill traditional housewife roles). Daily tasks on top of work outside the home can be a lot, so I look for every corner I can cut to save time and still get things done. I have searched for hacks and tips for the busy woman, but have not found many good ones. So I have culled and created my own list. Without further ado, here are a few life hacks I practice to help reduce clutter, free up brain space, and make the most use of precious time.

Kitchen organization:

-Store food in mason jars. Simply pop the jar in the microwave to reheat the food and then send it through the dishwasher. No need to worry about melting plastic, or food absorbing the chemicals from the plastic.

-Recycle plastic condiment lids to cover those mason jars. (I have found that coconut oil and mayonnaise lids are the best so far.) Just one thing, and they go on and off easier than the traditional metal gasket and ring.

-Use old peanut butter jars, or other large plastic jars to store lids. A cascade of lids is no fun and takes a ton of time to clean up. Never fear! An old jar is near to corral all those lids and make for easy access.

-Label an old egg carton and store your hard-boiled eggs there. No use having large bowls to hold eggs, or chasing eggs all over the refrigerator. Simply pop an egg out of the carton, crack on the counter, peel, and go.

(Photo caption: how not to be efficient: explode milk all over the kitchen)

Time Savers:

-Keep a mesh bag on the laundry machine for mask collection. This provides a place for depositing the dirty masks and ensures that they get washed in the next load. Better than chasing masks around the house, or running out (if you're an eco-freak like me and don't purchase disposable masks)!

-Always have a load of laundry started. It may not be best practice, but once I take out one load, I put in detergent for the next one. That allows me to throw clothes in as I go, making it easy to just press a button when the machine is full and ready to run.

-Sort the silverware when you put it in the dishwasher. A hack from America's Test Kitchen, this saves time when unloading the dishwasher. Just empty each compartment into the silverware organizer and voila, done!

-Keep the dishwasher loaded with a detergent pod. One less thing to do when the dishwasher is ready to go. (This ONLY works if you have pre-sealed pods and only if there is a cap for the soap.)

-Batch cook protein. Something I already did, but that got reinforced by a podcast, this provides easy meals when pared with some vegetables and/or grains. It also saves money by reducing need for take-out or pricey prepared foods.

-For that matter, batch whatever you can. Kath Eats has a good post about this. My best friend says not to touch anything more than once, unless you have to. So if I have the mail in hand, I try to open it and deal with it. I chop the carrots for today's lunch and dinner while I have the cutting board out. I wait to fold all the loads of laundry for the day at one time, if I can. Yes, tasks take longer attention in one setting, but then they are done!

-Grocery shop using an app. Forgo the lists and just log things in the app. This has a bonus of helping with budgeting, too!

-Clean by zones. I dust on the days I use all of my hand weights and therefore have a clear surface. I clean the kitchen on cooking day. Why dirty a clean kitchen by cooking, or clean the kitchen only to cook a day later. I literally use one counter for all it's worth, clean it, and then move on. When cooking is done, cleaning is done.

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I'm sure there are more hacks I could list, but you know, I'm busy. Please share any time-, or life-saving hacks you practice in the comments so that we all be more efficient.

Needy

I wrote some time ago about needing my husband and how it hurt my pride. Now I'm writing about how I need more than him. In general, I'm just needy. I have written about that before, too. It is an ongoing struggle.

I like to think of myself as self-sustaining, as the Wonder Woman who could do it all. I know I'm not her. I just don't want to admit my utter and complete weakness. In the past, I used some unhealthy coping mechanisms to mask the pain of my weakness, to actually inflict pain on myself and thereby draw away my focus from what I really craved. I don't do that anymore, and now my needs loom large. I recognize my pain not only for basic needs like food, water, and shelter, but for companionship, emotional support, self-care, and self-actualization. I can try to meet them myself, but it just doesn't work.

I carry around some guilt about having needs, about being weak. If only I was better, or could make myself better. I mean Jesus emptied himself out to meet the needs of others. (See Mark 10:45; Phil 2.) Why can't I do that? The only real need I see Jesus taking time away to meet was his spiritual need, and to meet that need, he went away to the Mount of Olives to pray. God was enough for Jesus, so I ask myself why God is not enough for me.

I talked to my husband the other day about trying to be Jesus, versus trying to be like Jesus. We should always be aspiring to be like Jesus. ("Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect," Matt 5:48). I cannot be Jesus, however. God created me as human, with physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and creative needs. While my greatest need is for salvation, the other needs I have are what make me a whole person. They are what effect my spiritual connection, as well as usefulness to others, the people to whom I am called to go amongst and make disciples (Matt 28:19). I can't very well make disciples on this earth if I am hungry and can't focus, or if I have no support and am overly emotional. I need some basic things, and some non-basic things. I am needy.

Recognizing that I am needy, quite frankly, sucks, but it also opens up new opportunities. It opens up opportunities to allow Christ's strength to be sufficient (2 Cor 12:9). It opens up opportunities to rely on the strength of the husband God gifted me. It opens up avenues for me to connect with others in the body of Christ. It hopefully grows my humility, as well as my empathy. In a lot of ways, recognizing my weakness is a spiritual discipline, one I don't like, but one I nevertheless need to grow in. 

Real Life Marriage: When Your Soul is Laid Bare

Marriage is beautiful, but it can also bring out the ugly. This last half a year or so has really done that for me. It’s brought out the selfishness, bitterness, resentment, perfectionism, unworthiness, and so many things I thought I laid to rest, or at least shoved to the back of the closet of my life years ago. I don’t know if it’s been COVID or work or life or what, but they’ve all come back out with a vengeance. My husband has been oh, so patient. It’s not like I had any place to hide. I did try to hide in a closet once. No joke. It didn’t work. He found me.

There’s something to be said about being found and known in marriage. It’s not often pleasant. Most of the time, it’s painful. At the same time, though, it’s reassuring: to have someone who knows it all and stocks by you, even when you crawl into a closet.

I’ve struggled this year with how much to share with my husband. I don’t want to be the spouse Gary Chapman writes about that spills sewer everywhere. I want to love my husband well. I want to show him that I appreciate him. I want him to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy. But sometimes in spite of my love and good intent, my pain and angst and even depression all comes out.

Rebekah Lyons writes about the power of vulnerability in marriage in her book, Rhythms of Renewal. She writes about how her husband points her back to God and his grace. My husband does the same. Whenever I have meltdowns, he just holds me and tells me that he loves me anyway. He encourages me to talk breaks and practice self-care. He tells me that I am enough.

It’s hard for me to always buy into what my husband believes about me. He asks me when I will, and then tells me I just have to trust him. And despite it all, I do. And somehow I grab onto his strength and allow it to cover me even as my own soul is weak.

It’s no fun having my soul laid raw and bare, but it’s united my husband and I in ways I never dreamed possible. That’s the power of covenantal love, the power of marriage. I can’t imagine facing my demons or doing this soul work any other way. Without the power of God and the love of my husband who images God, it just wouldn’t be possible.