How The Fifteen Minute Rule Is Helping Me Give Myself Grace

I have a new rule for life: the 15 minute rule. It started as our rule for work appointments. We wait 15 minutes, and if you come in 15 minutes, great! Otherwise, we cancel the appointment.

I don't cancel on life if I'm 15 minutes late, but if I get to something within 15 minutes, I count it as a win. I'm specifically using the 15 minute rule for bedtime. I've been onto myself for not getting to bed on time, but I rarely ever make that time. So I've decided to give myself 15 minutes from that set time, and if I get in bed by then, I congratulate myself. So far, it's working.

The 15 minute rule is a way to give myself grace, with limits. It's not a free-for-all. It doesn't mean I can purposely dilly-dally. But it allows me to give myself a little wiggle-room and less stress.

This rule obviously doesn't apply to all life things. I need to leave for work on time, get to work on time, go to the doctor at the scheduled appointment time, etc. But when it comes to non-essentials, like bedtimes and exercise times and preferred deadlines, it works.

Shauna Niequist wrote on Instagram a while back, “Six weeks. Give it six weeks. Extra grace, patience, and understanding for all parties for six weeks.”

I'm revising: “Fifteen minutes. Give it 15 minutes. Extra grace, patience, and understanding for all parties for 15 minutes.”

Grace with accountability. I like it.

The World is My Oyster (Or Is It?)

I remember that morning very clearly, the day of my masters graduation. I went for a jog in the crisp clear air, and as my feet hit the pavement of my oh, so familiar route, I thought, “The world is my oyster. I can do anything.” I felt a sense of freedom that day, a sense of exhilaration, a sense of anticipation. Little did I know that my decision to pursue counseling licensure in Arizona would require nine months of back and forth correspondence with the state counseling board, or that finding a job and community in Arizona would be so hard or so time-consuming.

But here I am, two and a half years later, living in Arizona, working as a counselor. As 2019 has begun, I see many open days before me. I know that I can fill the pages of this book of my year as I choose, but I also realize that my time and energy are limited. I can do anything, but I can't do everything.

I enjoy fitness, but it isn't my life. Besides physical therapy, I basically have 30 minutes a day to commit to exercise. That means I can choose weights or cardio, but not both. I have to choose what is more important. I just don't have time or energy to throw around the weights and hit the streets for my preferred three mile plus runs.

I've finally gotten to the point where I'm getting more invitations to do social things, but I just don't have time for all of them. Sometimes, I need to stretch and expand my horizons by hanging out with new people and doing new things. Other times, I need to say, “No,” in order to focus on investing more deeply in the relationships that are most important to me.

Work presents dozens of opportunities for training and learning, and frankly, just more hours, but I need to decide what I'm called to do and what I'm not. Work is a big part of my world, but not my entire world. I don't want it to become all-consuming.

I have numerous hobbies and activities I'd like to do in my spare time, but there just isn't always time for everything. I need to rest, too.

So the world is my oyster, but it's also not. Many opportunities lie before me, but I have the responsibility to choose which ones to crack into, and which ones not. I have to choose where to mine for beauty, and what mines to let others tend to. Life is beautiful, but I miss the fullness of that beauty if I never stop to appreciate it.

May God give me wisdom as I anticipate the days ahead and traverse with him the sands, waves, and seashores of this life.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.

Men Matter: My Message for Valentine's Day

The suited man held a bouquet of red roses behind his back. That was the photo on the cover of the advertisement. That was all. The photo could have been worse. There are a lot more sordid depictions of Valentine's Day, but the photo still upset me. Call me overly sensitive about things, but I didn't like the ideals the ad promoted.

What is so wrong about a man hiding flowers behind his back? Well nothing. Except that it is an incomplete picture. Valentine's Day isn't supposed to be just about men giving women flowers. It's supposed to be about love, and love requires action. So a true picture should show the man with the flowers and the woman with, I don't know, a pie? And love is not all about gifts or food, either. It's about selflessness and sacrifice and speaking love in a language that the person understands. (See The Five Love Languages.) Love is mutual.

I also believe that society demeans men overall. Why are we reducing men to machines that can only deliver flowers, or that need to deliver flowers or other pleasantries on Valentine's Day to show love? Still other popular advertisements debase men to the status of purely physical creatures that go after women because they have tacos in their purse, or are wearing a certain perfume. Really? 

I have a lot of good men in my life, men who yes, sometimes, give me flowers, but who also love me in a lot of other really important ways. They encourage me. They pray for me. They compliment me. They help me calm down when I'm anxious. They change the oil in my car. They fix flat tires. They recognize when something is important to me and support me in doing it. And maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to the way that culture depicts men.

Men matter. I could go into why they matter not just to me, but to the health of society overall, but that is a topic for another post. For now, I'd like to express gratitude to all the great guys in my life, and encourage you to do the same. Let's start building up those around us and loving them well, because that's biblical and godly, and what we need to do if we want healthy, strong relationships.

Why I Might Celebrate February 14th After All

I hate Valentine's Day: the often fake sentiment, the commercialism, the guilt-tripping, the needless cheap products, the sensuality, the sex. But Mom reminded me recently that God showed up for me in a very real way thirteen years ago on Valentine's Day. I'd forgotten, but I need to remember.

My middle school and high school years were dark for many reasons. I didn't really know or love myself. I certainly didn't believe others loved me, either, even my parents. I somehow believed that God could love me, though, so I'd pray and pray for signs that He did, and He in His grace, would show up. I don't know how many times I prayed for God to show His love to me while doing my job of cleaning a family's home, but over and over again, I'd come home with loads of hand-me-down designer clothes as a result.

Then there was Valentine's Day 2006. I'd visited a certain university a few weeks earlier. I felt uncomfortable there at first, but then decided I wanted to go. The price tag made that an an realistic goal, however. My dad said, “If God wants you to go, you'll go.” I believed him in theory, but waved him off, thinking that God wouldn't come through for me. But on Valentine's Day 2006, I got call from my dad's work telling me I'd won a $10,000 scholarship. Ten-thousand dollars. That alone wasn't enough to get me through, but somewhere in there, I also got a call that the school was giving me a half tuition scholarship. So I was going to my school of choice. It was pretty miraculous.

I honestly don't remember much of that day, or that season. Mom said when they asked me why all that happened on Valentine's Day, I told her that it was so I knew God loved me. I didn't know that then the way I do now, but I want to remember.

God is not a cuddly God. He's not about lacy hearts or frilly cards or three foot tall stuffed animals. But He is about love. He loves us even at our most unlovable (Rom 5:8). He loves us not because we've earned it or deserve it, but because He is love (1 John 4:16). He shows up in love not because He has to, but because He wants to.

So although I hate Valentine's Day, I'm choosing to celebrate February 14^th this year, as a remembrance of what God has done through love in my life, as and a testimony to what he wants to do in the lives of all.

“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again” (2 Cor 5:14-15).

May I love God more deeply this year, and may His love in me spill over into the lives of the people I love, for God's honor and glory.

Focal Dystonia: What Helps

I've written several times here about my focal dystonia. It's been a long journey, and one I am beginning to realize will never be over, save the Lord miraculously healing me. To be honest, the condition seems to be worsening again, but after working for nearly a year to build back the muscle lost to atrophy from getting botox, I'm focusing on finding any way I can to avoid that again.

What I've Tried:

• Avoiding crochet: I tried this for a year, thinking if I gave the repetitive motion a break, maybe my hand would get better. It didn't.
• A low-salt diet: I thought that lower salt might reduce inflammation, but it didn't seem to help, and I like my salt! So I went back to trying to eat moderately and not avoidantly.
• Botox: I already mentioned this, but it caused major atrophy of my arm and extreme weakness that I am still trying to overcome. The doctor said that botox will always cause atrophy, but that the last amount I received was enough for someone with an arm the size of my leg. Go figure!

What's Helped:

• Using an ergonomic crochet hook: This has allowed me to enjoy crocheting again. I still cannot crochet as long or as often as I like, but at least I can do something. The "fatter" handle makes the hook easier to grasp and helps reduce the dystonic clenching that happens.
• Physical therapy: This helped me recognize how the dystonia was affecting my whole body. It has helped me work on my posture and make other corrections to prevent and treat the neck and shoulder pain that come from the dsytonic contractions. It also gave me a home strengthening routine that has helped me rebuild my muscle. I'm on round three of the eight week program and have gained about three quarters of an inch of muscle back in my right forearm, which tells you how much I'd lost.
• Occupational therapy: This added to my physical therapy routine and gave me some ideas about the process behind the dsytonia. My therapist also recommended some special writing implements and other assistive devices for use when my hand is bothering me. One is the Pen-Again, which is an alternate grip pen that again reduces the clenching action I have with the dystonia.
• Oval-8 finger splints: The occupational therapist recommended these, and I think they help sometimes. They are supposed to stop hyperextension, but the therapist said they also might add sensory input. Whatever. If I'm having a hard day typing, I try them. They at least look cool (or so my kids say!)
• Changing my routine: The truth is, my life isn't the same as before dystonia, which means I have to do things differently. This means I don't play piano as much, or much at all. I use my left hand more. I have to remember to hold onto things strongly with my right hand. I use a stand-up desk at work to relieve shoulder tension. I try to break up typing into shorter periods. I stretch a lot.
• Acceptance: The mental aspect of dystonia is part of the struggle. I fought my diagnosis and its permanency for quite some time. I wanted to find an answer, a solution, but there isn't one right now. So I am trying to accept my condition and give thanks to God for what I can do. And little things like painting my nails helps me remember to do that.

Dsytonia is not a condition I would wish on anybody, but it's my reality, and by God's grace, I'm learning to cope with it.

Fear...Is it a Good Thing?

Fear can be limiting, and that's how its affected my life. It's been paralyzing, preventing me from really living, from really enjoying life. It's kept me scared, quiet, withdrawn, and afraid. It's backed me into corners where I've been disconnected from friends, family, and even my truest self. 

I've written a lot about fear this past year because I've felt it a lot. Fear is a plague, or at least that's how I've labeled it in my life. But I started thinking recently that maybe I've been viewing fear wrongly. Maybe fear isn't such a bad thing.

As I've started to face my fears, I've realized that most of my fears mask anxiety. Most of the time when I feel fear it's because I'm about to do something really brave. I'm about to tell others what I think or feel, take a stand, or otherwise venture outside my comfort zone. I'm about do something I know I need to do, but don't know the results of. I am vulnerable, exposed. And it feels scary.

The unknown is frightening and there does need to be some preparation and planning for it. I do need to count costs of the risks I am going to take. But the unknown is also exciting, full of possibility; open-ended, reason for hope.

So maybe fear is a good thing, because it helps me count what it costs to really live. It helps me consider if the risk I'm going to take is really worth it. If the thought or feeling or stand is important enough to risk criticism or hurt or rejection. If the possibility of a glorious ending is worth the risk of a terrible disaster.

I don't think I'll ever see the end of fear in my life, but I think I need to keep embracing it. I need to keep facing it, and walking forward. And maybe more than even accepting it, I need to start getting excited about it. Because fear and facing it has led to lots of good things in my life, and I believe it can lead to more. Sure, there will be hurt and heartbreak along the way. But if that's the cost of the good, of really living and enjoying life, isn't it worth it?

What Cutting My Hair Taught Me About Belonging to Myself

I liked my long hair, but I also felt ready for a change and chopping off my hair seemed like a change I should make. For months, I pinned images of my preferred styles and asked the opinions of others. I decided to make the cut for my 30th birthday, but then I chickened out. I couldn't find a salon that had openings. I feared I would look like a boy. I worried what people would think.I knew my dad liked my long hair. I worried I would dislike myself if I cut my hair. I was distinctly afraid. So I didn't cut my hair.

I did a lot of thinking and soul-searching when I was on my cruise this summer. (I was also reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown during this time.) I remember the moment when I looked into the mirror and thought, "You know what? This is my wilderness. I need to belong to myself and care less about what other people think and more about my acceptance of myself." I decided then and there that I would cut my hair when I got home, if I could find a salon that would do it.

A few weeks and phone calls later, I chopped 10 inches off my hair. The experience was terrifying, and liberating. I didn't realize my worst fears. I actually liked my new hair cut. My dad approved. Many other people complimented me. Though the compliments bolstered my self esteem, people noticing me so much actually made me feel uncomfortable. But I survived. And I learned something about belonging to myself as a result.

Three haircuts later, I chopped my hair again yesterday. I like my hair short, but I wanted a different style. I asked my boyfriend if he cared what I did to my hair (because I felt it was respectful to do so), and when he said he didn't, I went for the new cut. I figured I could always grow my hair out if I didn't like it. That thought was a huge realization for me, and a symptom of growth. I realized that I am not my hair, and that my hair cut doesn't change who I am. I was belonging to myself!

I have a really good hairstylist and I like my new hair cut. I'm grateful The fact that my fears were minimal and that I could go into this knowing I wouldn't change, though, was an even greater blessing. Who would have known that cutting my hair would teach me so much! Praise the Lord.

Life Lately

Where did the first month of 2019 go? January is gone. That's for sure. I didn't blog (or at least make blog posts) for a month. It was weird, but it was good for me. Here's a little recap on life in case you're interested.

The Why:

I blog I find writing cathartic. I also blog because I like to share, and I hope that others will find what God is teaching me helpful in their own lives. But in December, Facebook blacklisted my blog for violating “community standards.” I tried to figure out what was wrong and fix it, to no avail. Facebook then proceeded to delete every blog post I had on My Arizona Adventure page. I debated starting a new blog to change my URL, but I'm not sure it's worth it. Facebook might red flag that URL, too, for all I know.

I decided to pray about my blog for the month of January and resume posting then. (So here I am.) I want people to be able to read, but ultimately I've had to realize that Facebook is not the most important part of writing. I guess people will have to follow my blog or subscribe or just check in to see what I write. Maybe Facebook will get fixed. Maybe it won't. I guess in the end, I just hope people read. That's ultimately up to the Lord, though.

Priorities:

David Allen says, “You can do anything, but not everything.” I'm realizing this in a big way. I want to do a lot of things, but I really only have emotional energy for a very few of them. To be honest, work takes a big portion of my energy, and I try to save the little bit of life I have is left for people I love. It's a balancing act, and one I have not mastered. I've found that when I push myself physically, I get sick, too. I'm trying to avoid that. So most days I exercise, eat, work, sleep, and review social media (my “downtime”). That's about it. I'm not necessarily proud the time I spend on social media, but it's an out, and it's working for me right now, so it is what it is.

Lessons:

Emotional: I feel a little more stable than I have for awhile. (Thank you, Lord!) I've realized, though, that I might be one of those “highly sensitive people.” My emotions come in waves. These waves or emotion are overwhelming and intense. If I acknowledge the feelings, experience them, and speak about them with people I love, I can recover fairly quickly. If I stuff the emotions, or discount them, I'm in trouble. Thankfully, I have people in my life who know and understand me and love me through the storms.

Spiritual: Fear is a good teacher. I wrote a whole post about this that I'll share later, but as waves of fear have struck me over and over again, I've realized that I'm learning from fear. Fear shows me what's important to me. I can let fear steal my joy, or let it signal the significance of what's just happened. Fear also forces me to go to the Lord with my feelings, and to restate my trust and my belief in His sovereignty. I'm not in control. He is. Fear reminds me.

National Wear Red Day 2/1/19

Mental: I don't want to wish my life away, but I do need things to celebrate. I've been reviewing the National Day Calendar and trying to engage in celebrating at least one holiday a week. Most of the holidays are silly, but I enjoy them, and I look forward to them. It's the little things sometimes.

Physical: I did the Self New Year's Challenge. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. It made me practice focus and self discipline. I also discovered the circuit timer. I'm hoping to switch most of my exercise to race training, but my knee has been hurting somewhat, and I know I'll need time to focus on longer runs and nutrition if I want to run more, so we'll see.

Love:

Paleo slow-cooked Italian pot roast on peasant bread with a side of honey glazed carrots and green beans 

I got to cook for family and friends a few more times this month. Cooking is a form of creativity and self-care for me. It's also a source of new sensory stimuli. Besides cooking, I went to a wedding and on a quick trip to Las Vegas (to see people, not attractions, because let's be clear, I don't gamble, smoke, drink, or generally subscribe to any of the other components of Las Vegas culture). That's about it. I need to focus on planning some longer trips (cue need for brain power), because my vacation time at work is amassing quickly, and I don't want to lose it. Love is holistic: God, others, and me. All three areas need work.

New Disciplines:

I tried to go on a partial spending fast for the month of January. I also tried to prune my closet by forcing myself to wear different clothes every single day (at least a new shirt every day). I mostly succeeded. Perhaps I'll write more about these two experiences later.

That's a wrap.

That's January for now.

• Any thoughts, questions, or comments?
• For those of you who read my blog, is there a good way (other than Facebook) to notify you when I post?
• What kind of posts do you enjoy reading? What should I write about more?

Please reply via comment, or via direct contact (since most of you regular readers have my info).