Flops and Faves

Of the many things I'm enjoying about marriage, cooking is one of them. Sure, I cooked at my parents' house, but now it's kind of my responsibility (or at least a responsibility I've taken on, because my husband is also an excellent cook). Here are a few of our flops and faves from the recent days:

Flops:

This Moroccan split pea soup (Recipes from a Pantry)

We expected a thick, rich, soup, and well, this one wasn't. And the split peas didn't really cook all the way. Oh well. We enjoyed it anyway.

Zucchini lasagna (Skinny Taste)

Okay. This wasn't really a flop. It was good the first few times, but it was a lot of work, and I was TIRED of it by week's end. (Chris said he wasn't. So maybe we'll make it again, but probably not for awhile.)

Cajun cabbage and noodles (Budget Bytes)

Again, this wasn't really a flop. It was good the first time, but didn't reheat well, and well, we had it for days.

So maybe the lesson in this is that flops aren't flops. They're just not something I want to eat over and over again.

Faves:

The best weeknight pasta sauce (Budget Bytes)

We've made this twice. (I omit the butter sometimes.) It's so good. And so fast and easy. 

BBQ beef and beans (Budget Bytes)

This was easy and filling and good over rice or on its own.

Eggs Florentine breakfast pizza (Budget Bytes)

I made this several times at home before making it for Chris and I. But it's good, especially the garlic white sauce. And the ingredients needed to make it are minimal.

Noticing a theme here? Budget Bytes is seriously one of my favorite recipe sources.

Bonus:

Chris is a big fan of sauces, so I've been trying to make a new one each week. Here's what we've sampled thus far:

Creamy cilantro sauce (Gimme Delicious)

Homemade ranch dressing (Budget Bytes)

Tzatziki (Cookie and Kate)

The tzatiziki takes the cake (or the taco or rice plate) for now.

Any favorite recipes to share? Please post in the comments section. And we continue to try new recipes, so stay tuned....

Metabolizing Trauma

My clinical supervisor and I had a discussion recently about trauma exposure and how it can decrease creativity. All that bad stuff we encounter? It just sits around and lingers if we don't process it. Often times, the bad in life (or in the world around us) is so bad that we just want to forget it, or let it go, or not acknowledge it. But we have to process it and let its after affects be part of us, or it can rule and wreck us.

So how do we metabolize trauma? I don't fully know. But I know it's necessary to have a vibrant and thriving life, especially with the work I do. So here's a starter list of ways I know I can work through trauma:

• Hiking
• Walking
• Yoga
• Movement in general (because it integrates both sides of the brain)
• Talking
• Drawing
• Writing (part of why I have this blog)
• Cooking
• Sleeping (but only if I do the work of processing afterward)

And I'm going to argue that processing often takes several of these methods, several times. And sometimes processing has to happen over the course of time. Because trauma has a way of re-emerging.

And processing takes action, deliberate action, and deliberate choice. But if I don't process, I'm in trouble. My relationships are in trouble. My work is in trouble. Because unmetabolized trauma causes toxic build up. And toxic build up is deadly.

On the other hand, metabolized by-products can be beneficial. The residual effects of trauma, the scars and wounds that have healed, can make us better people. The process of metabolizing trauma can make us stronger.

So let's do the work people. Let's figure out what works, and do more of it. Feel free to contact me, or comment below about additional ways to process trauma. We all need to do it, and the more methods, the better!

If the Vertical Isn't Right...

My husband and I have had quite a few conversations lately about relationships. Church relationships. Our relationship. Our relationships with friends. Parents. Siblings. Extended family. Coworkers. We have questioned how we should relate to them. We want to relate in grace, with love, but also in truth. And we often don't know how to do it.

In the midst of all these relationship discussions, I have been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's all about how if husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands, marriage will work the way it's supposed to work, or at least according to God's plan. I don't completely disagree, but I do disagree with the premise that marital, or really any relationships work on solely a horizontal axis.

Let me explain. We do a lot of transactions in relationships. You do this, and I'll do that. You give me this, and I'll give you that. We live in a free market economy where we exchange money for goods and services. Or we trade and barter for what we need and want. But that's not how it works in the kingdom of God. Christ gave all, and we're called to give all in return, all to Him first, and then all to others in selfless service. (See Philippians 2:1-11.) But if we're not right with God, that isn't going to happen.

Our first and primary relationship must be with God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. We must get all our validation and acceptance and love from Him. That's not to say that we don't want or need others to love and accept us, but that we have to get primary validation from God. Because if we're looking to other people to love and accept us and give us what we need, we're in sorry shape.

Our vertical relationship is key to getting the kind of unconditional love that we need if we are to love others unconditionally. Our vertical relationship is key to getting the strength and Holy Spirit power we need to love people when they're difficult or hard. Our vertical relationship is key to having an appealingly positive attitude to those around us, so that our lives speak to the goodness of God. (See the Jesus Always July 18th entry for more on this.) Our vertical relationship is key to having right relationships as husbands and wives. (Momentary Marriage by John Piper is so far my favorite resource on this topic.) If the vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff just isn't going to happen.

So friends, if you're struggling in relationships, yes, you need to make it right, but first, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Am I right with God?" If the answer to that is, "No." Then you might want to start there. Because if your vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff isn't likely to resolve, or at least not likely to resolve in God's way, and according to God's pattern of intention for human relationships.

Complement, Not Competition

I had a pretty big meltdown a few weeks before Chris asked me to marry him. I felt utterly inadequate and incapable of being a good girlfriend, let alone anything else. I had a serious talk with Chris about my feelings and tried to give him the chance exit our relationship graciously. Clearly that didn't work. (And praise God, it didn't.)

But here I sit again, a little over a month into marriage, feeling super inadequate. I felt that way when I wrote my reflections about a month of marriage, and I felt even more that way when I arrived home from work to find flowers and a really sweet card that evening. I had seriously typed up some thoughts, wrote an, "I love you," note on the outside and set it an Chris's spot at the table that morning. That was all.

Chris was teaching at youth group when I got home and found the flowers. I wanted to text him and tell him, "Thank you," and that if we're supposed to "outdo one another in showing honor," he'd won (Rom 12:10, English Standard Version). But then I stopped myself. Here I was again, thinking that we were in a competition. We're not. That's not what marriage is about. So I texted a simple, "Thank you" instead. It wasn't enough to say, but that was all I could say.

So often in marriage, I think we find ourselves competing. On good days, we compete to see who can be more loving, or more helpful, or more "spousely." On bad days, we compete to see who will can nurse anger the longest, who can hold a grudge without caving, who can make the other one move first. Competition isn't good, folks, in any of those cases. Because if we're trying to win, we're working independently. We're operating out of pride. And our marriages will ultimately lose.

If we go back to an Ephesians 5:21 definition of marriage as mutual submission, we shouldn't ever be trying to win in our marriages. Rather, we should be trying to serve out of and in love. Because when we serve out of love, we look for ways to complement and help, rather than compete. We build up, rather than tear down. And that drives our marriages to Jesus and helps us be more complete in Him.

So friends, if you, like me, find yourself competing with your spouse (in good ways, bad ways, or maybe both), stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself if you're really doing yourself any favors, if your marriage is going to win because of your behaviors. Then turn around, serve your spouse, and show love selflessly. Find ways that you can help. Look for needs in your spouse that you might be able to meet. Competition won't win you any growth in your relationship. Complementation will.

We're Always Getting There.

Three years ago. Three years ago today, I took this picture of this important piece of paper lying on the worn dashmat of my 1998 Saturn. After five years of graduate school and months and months of study, I had finally passed the National Counseling Exam. It was something I never thought I could do, or at least doubted I could do without God's strength and guidance and wisdom. And I'd done it. Praise Him!

I thought that passing that counseling exam would lead me to my preferred profession. But in reality, I'd already taken another job, and it wasn't counseling. I worked at that job for a year, and then went back to my core desire to help others and took a job in behavioral health. I thought that job would be something different than it was, or is, because I'm still at that job. And I like my job. I'm thankful for my job. But it definitely isn't the one I expected to have when I walked across the stage with my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy in 2015.

Life isn't what we think it is. Somehow, we think we'll someday arrive, but we don't. We don't ever quite find our perfect job. We don't ever quite reach our financial goals. We don't ever quite figure out who or what or where we want to be when we "grow up." My husband and I were just having that conversation with teens at our church, and we're both in our thirties.

No. We never quite arrive. We're always getting there. But I think that's God's way of reminding us that He's in control, that He's God, that we always need to be humble and willing to grow. Because growth is part of the journey, and in this life, the journey isn't over until we see Jesus. As believers in Christ, we should always be working toward getting there.

Real Life Marriage: One Month In

We've been married for one month, and marriage has been good, and awesome, and amazing. But it's also been hard. I expected it to be hard, but not in the ways it has been. One of my goals with my blog has always been to be honest and real. And since I've gotten married, I might as well be honest and real about marriage, too. 

(Photo courtesy of George Fletcher Photography)

So here's the first of (what might be) many posts on what I'm learning in marriage.

Communication: We haven't really had any fights (though we may at some point or another), but I've been fighting with myself. As in, it's been hard for me to communicate my needs, mostly probably because I don't want to need. But I do, and it's not fair to expect my husband to know what I need unless I tell him. So whether it's asking for a hug, or help around the house, or for the trash to be taken out, I have to say it. And that's new, and hard in ways I didn't expect.

Gender roles: I was blessed to grow up in a home where my mom stayed at home, and as a result, she did most of the chores around the house. I always assumed that's the way it should be. But the reality is that I work, a lot. And as I think about gender roles biblically, there's really nothing wrong that I can see with my husband cooking dinner, or doing dishes, or helping around the house sometimes. Yes, I want to do all those things all the time, but the reality is that I can't, or if I can and I do it, I'm a grouchy mess. So while I have the helper role in this relationship, I'm learning to accept (and appreciate) help, and that's been hard.

Independence: I've always prided myself on being strong and independent and able to" do it myself." When I got married, I knew that I was giving up my independence and some of my freedoms in exchange for interdependence. I was fine with that. What I didn't realize was the guilt that I'd feel over being dependent. I recognize that biblically my husband is my covering and my head, and so therefore I am his responsibility, but that's been hard for me. He tells me that he knew what he was signing up for when he said his vows, and I thought I did, too. But submission to God's design for interdependence has thus far been harder than actually submitting to my husband.

The "hard" of marriage might not be what I expected, but God knew. God knows. If marriage is about growth and sanctification (and I believe it is), this is just part of the process. And I'm all in. I've always been and forever will be.

Our Most Used Kitchen Products (So Far)

People were so, so generous in their wedding gifts to us. We received a few things we needed, and a lot of things that we wanted. And some appliances and gizmos that we didn't know we would use as much as we do. Here's a few of our most used kitchen products so far:

(And thanks to all who gave us gifts not mentioned here. We're using or will use them, too!)

The Insta-Pot

People told us we'd use this thing, and man have we ever! We made rice the first night we were home, and we use it probably at least every other day. So far, we've made rice, and beans, and split pea soup, and hard boiled eggs, and I've got a whole Pinterest board dedicated to more recipes I want to try. (Feel free to send me your favorites.) The Insta-Pot is a time saver, and a space saver since it is so many appliances in one. Double yes on this gift.

George Foreman Grill with Removal Plates

I grew up with a George Foreman grill, and we used it mostly to make paninis, aka "sandwiches in the sandwich maker." I've made one sandwich like that so far, but I've also used it to grill zucchini for zucchini lasagna and chicken for our new favorite summer meal (cold rice, lettuce, chicken, and a cold creamy dressing, all topped with sriracha). Best of all, the plates come out of the machine, so the drip pan and everything go into the dishwasher and come out clean with minimal effort. We'll see how long the metal lasts with our hard water, but for now, this machine is a winner in our book.

Bissell 1782 Pet Hair Eraser Cordless Hand and Car Vacuum

My Granddad bought this gift for us, and I honestly didn't expect to use it as much as we have! We don't have pets, but we've use it for everything from vacuuming up piles of dirt when we've swept (because we couldn't find the dustpan), to cleaning out my car when the power was out, to vacuuming up charcoal from food that burned inside the oven. (Yes, I caused the food spill, and yes, it was my idea to use the vacuum to remove the debris from inside the cool oven.) A+ for usefulness, Granddad!

Pampered Chef Mix 'N Chop

I didn't know what this gizmo was until I read the packaging. And then I used it. As a former vegetarian who still doesn't like cooking meat that much, this thing makes it easy, and I'm convinced it speeds up the process. Plus, there's less risk of flinging raw meat all over like with a spatula. And it's made of nylon, so it won't scratch any pan! I didn't know I needed this, but right now, I don't want to be without it when I've got ground meat to make.

This short list is not to say we don't have (or use) other items in our kitchen, but with our busy schedules, these are some of the ones that have been most useful in saving us time. We have fun with some of the bigger and more elaborate appliances we got gifted on the weekends, and in our spare time....

Three.

Three years. I've made it three years, y'all. Three years of readjustment and learning and growing and more fully discovering who God made me to be. (Read my year two recap here.)

If you'd told me last year that I'd be celebrating July 4th and my Arizona anniversary as a married woman, I would have told you you were crazy. My husband and I had just started talking at this time last year, and I was so uncertain and...scared. And here we are a year later. And I've now got a lot go a lot more learning and growing to do as a wife.

Shortly before I moved to Arizona, my then boss quoted 2 Corinthians 5:7 to me, "For we live by faith, not by sight." I believed that truth then, as I said I was jumping off a cliff moving to Arizona with only my family and my church to fall back on: no real friends, no real community, no house. I moved back and in a year, the house I wanted to buy fell through. I changed jobs. Our church went through a season of struggle. And then last year, I got so desperate for community that I started facing my fears and reaching out. And God brought me my husband, who quite frankly wasn't who I was looking for, but a blessing nonetheless.

Over the past year, I've worked more than ever, hopefully grown in my profession, and learned more about living and stressing less. (But I have a long way to go. Ask my husband!)

God brought me back to Arizona for a reason, for many reasons, I believe, and I probably don't know all of them. But for now, I'll praise him for these that He's allowed me to see:

1) To help those struggling.
2) To reconnect and redeem some family relationships.
3) To help me face my fears and become more myself.
4) To grow.
5) To get married.

God is good. Life can be hard and life is full of change. But God is good.

What to Do In and Around Ridgway, Colorado

Okay, okay. For all who need to know, we went to Ridgway, Colorado for our honeymoon. My husband found this cute little town, so I can't really claim any credit for our getaway, okay other than one hike, which we'll get to. Here's what we did in and around Ridgway:

Ate breakfast at a cute little restaurant called Kate's Place:

Homemade waffles, white cheddar grits, gigantic omelets, and homemade sourdough, yes please!

Visited Box Canyon Falls in Ouray.

It costs $5 per adult to get in, and it's really a walk rather than a hike to the falls, but it's totally worth it.

And from there, you can hike the Ouray Perimeter Trail (of which we did part).

Next we visited Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park.

Pictures don't really do the magnitude of these crevices justice.

And praise the Lord, we didn't fall into the creek when we decided to scale down a steep cliff toward it....

The next day, we went to Telluride, Colorado. I take a little credit for the activities here, because this is a location my family frequents. But he drove, so he gets credit for getting us there.

First, we hiked up to Bridal Veil Falls.

And saw a few avalanches along the way.

Then we rode the gondolas, one of my favorite things to do there. (And it's free!)

We ended the afternoon walking around Ridgway. It's a small town, but still worth visiting. We ate most of our meals at our Airbnb, but it was still fun to see what the town had to offer (including a small grocery store).

It was good to get away for a few days (maybe more on that later), but also nice that Ridgway was within driving distance. So for now, that's a (pictorial) wrap of our honeymoon.