Marriage Misnomers: Love is Blind.

"Love is blind," the old saying goes. But is it? People warned me against blind love when I was dating, saying I wanted to see the person for who they were, faults, flaws and all before marriage. That way I'd know what I was getting into. The intoxicating effects of love could have a "rose-colored glasses" effect, people said, so "Wise up; see things clearly," they advised. I thought I did that. I saw my husband as he was. I accepted him. What I didn't see was me.

I brought plenty of my own baggage to marriage: my fears, my perfectionism, my white-knuckle grip on my routine. I expected these things to continue to plague me. What I didn't expect was how they would affect my relationship with my husband. My husband is more of a laid-back, easy-going, lighthearted person. Very little troubles him deeply. I, on the other hand, am troubled by much, and often. I knew my husband was different when we were dating. I appreciated it even. I didn't expect (or want) him to change. I didn't know, however, how hard it would be for me to have my own weaknesses exposed in marriage. I was blind to myself.

I was blind to how deeply entrenched my own negative beliefs about myself and the world were. I was blind to my selfishness and self-centeredness. I was blind to how my need to control could drive my husband and I apart. I was blind to my deep-seeded self love. I didn't realize how hard it would be to selflessly love another. I truly didn't see.

Over one year into marriage, I'm here to tell you that love is blind, but not in the way society suggests. Love and its accompanying cascade of feel good hormones, does make you blind, blind to yourself. Love makes you think your own flaws will go away. Love makes you think you can be selfless without it costing too much. Love builds you up and makes you think you have superhuman power to do anything and everything. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. True love, the kind of self-giving love that makes marriage work, is very, very hard. So hard that it requires superhuman power. 

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16, New International Version [NIV]). That is not a blind love. That is an eyes-wide open, eyes fixed only Jesus kind of love. That is a self-sacrificing, self-abasing, deal with the log in your eye and not the speck in theirs kind of love. That is an all-seeing love, not a blind love, and the only kind of love that will last eternally. May God give us eyes to see.

Pre- and Post-Feast

Thanksgiving definitely feels different this year. We're living through a global pandemic. Many states have limited how, why, and where people can gather. Loved ones can't travel. Different foods are and aren't on the table, or in stores. It's sad, and yet there is still so much to celebrate. I've been looking forward to a small celebration with loved ones this year. Whether or not it will happen remains to be seen, but for now, I'm still preparing.

Pre-Feast:

Thawing our turkey: These calculators made, well, calculations, so much easier!

Relish: Seen in the photo above, I made this recipe on Sunday so that the flavors had a few days to meld.

BINGO: I made this card based on inspiration from my dear friend and A Cup of Jo.

I like lists, and this is just another way to keep one, to celebrate what we have and count our blessings, which are still many. I plan to use the card as a place setting. Silly and simple, it fits what I feel I could use more of this year.

For the feast itself, here's our proposed menu (which, as previously stated, remains up in the air at this time):

Post-Feast:

I'm already eyeing leftover recipes, especially these creative spins on what can become boring leftovers:

Thanksgiving leftovers eggs benedict (The Endless Meal)

Thanksgiving leftover enchiladas (Tasty)

Thanksgiving leftovers lasagna (My Recipes)

Thanksgiving leftovers quesadilla (The Cookie Rookie) 

Turkey gumbo (LA Times)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. However you may celebrate, pre-, post-, or not-at-all, I hope you give thanks and celebrate your blessings, because there always are some.

Marriage Misnomers: Happy Wife, Happy Life

"Happy wife, happy life." It's a saying I've heard too many times to count. To some extent, it's true. And it goes right along with the family version of the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Emotions do have a way of bleeding over. When one person is sad, or mad, or happy, others often join. But in marriage, is this true? Yes, and No.

The Bible says that marriage makes two people one flesh. One flesh has one brain, which connotes one set of emotions. So in the sense that marriage people share life and love together, they share feelings. So if the wife is happy, the husband should be happy, too. Right? Well in theory, yes, but in practice, no.

There are many times that I am happy and my husband is not. For example, I may have a good day at work while he has a bad one. When we convene at the dinner table, our emotions differ in response to our circumstances. My happiness can't fix what happened to him. They might make him happy for me, but not make him actually happy for himself. Similarly, if he makes a ground-breaking achievement at work while I get called in to talk to my boss, he may be happy and I may not be. As a result, our life together may not be as happy as either one of us would wish it.

"Happy wife, happy life" is usually aimed at a husband, inferring that if he can make his life happier if he makes his wife happy. That places a lot of burden on the husband. That infers that the husband actually have power to make their wife happy. That just isn't true. Sometimes the wife just isn't happy. It's that time of the month. Her friends have been mean. She has had a bad day at work. She is sad, scared, lonely, hungry, angry. A husband can help his wife process. He can try to cheer up his wife. He can love his wife. That might lead to more happiness, but he can't make her happy.

There is a second part to the saying, too: "Happy life." This is the conclusion that a wife is happy, the husband will have a happy life. Husbands have more going on than marriage. They have hard days, too. No matter how much a wife may do for or with them, sometimes they are just unhappy and that is part of life.

"Happy wife, happy life?" No. Happiness is more than just one spouse. And life is more than happiness. Joy-filled marriage, joy-filled life? That might be more like it.

Entering the Social Foray

I'm going to enter the social foray for a moment. I may regret it, but the issue at hand is important enough to me to worth the risk. If you disagree, feel free to engage in healthy debate with me. I will discuss, but not argue. And I will not shame. As Brene Brown says, shame is never a good motivator.

With that being said, what I want to discuss is the saying, "God is still on the throne," or better yet, "God is still sovereign." I've seen some posts lately stating that this phrase can be associated with oppression. The argument is that the phrase denotes lack of action by God during horrific world events such as pestilence, famine, plague, and annihilation. If God is still on the throne, why doesn't He act? This philosophical question of why God allows suffering has been around for ages, and I'm not here to answer it. I am here to say that I believe in the truth that God is sovereign and I think we should still say it.

Some argue that instead of saying, "God is is still on the throne," we should say, "God is with us." I can agree with that statement. God is with us, dwelling on earth through the gracious deposit of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of believers. But to say, "God is with us," and not say, "God is still on the throne," I believe, is lacking in theological strength.

God is still on the throne. Scripture says so:

"The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them. He rebukes them in his anger and terrifies them in his wrath, saying, 'I have installed my king on Zion, my holy mountain'” (Ps 2:4-6, New International Version [NIV]).

"He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in" (Isaiah 40:22).

"But about the Son he says, “Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom" (Heb 1:8).

God is sovereign. His plans are higher than ours (Isa 55:8-11). He works all things together for our good (Rom 8:28). The circumstances of our lives may not feel good, but God is good, and he can use all things to bring Him glory.

But is the truth that God is sovereign sufficient theology? I argue that it is not. God is also with us. Jesus came to earth as "Immanuel," which means "God with us" (Matt 1:23). And He is coming back (1 Thess 4:16-17)! So it is right to say that God is with us. Let's add this to, "God is still on the throne."

If Jesus came to earth as a baby and ascended after his death and resurrection, though, is God still with us? Yes! God indwells believers through the Holy Spirit (John 14:16). He is a "deposit guaranteeing our inheritance" (Eph 1:14). God is not just sovereign, not just with us, but also in and among us! How cool is that?

God is still on the throne. God is with us. God is in us. The three go together. To make any one statement without the other denies the triune nature of God. And that borders on heresy. That is a problem.

So if you see statements about God being on the throne and you disagree, I encourage you to add an, "and still with us," "and still in us" rather than recommend erasure. Cancel culture gets us nowhere. Good theology? That's a start. For with good theology comes Christlike action, God-imaging, and Holy Spirit inspired movements. The world needs more of those.

*Thank you to my husband for his input into and review of this post.

Marriage Misnomers: Your Spouse is Your Best Friend.

I am starting a new blog series this Monday on marriage misnomers. In addition to my monthly real life marriage series, I want to share about some commonly made statements that I haven't found to be true. I hope this series will be helpful to both married and unmarried readers.

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I've seen many people ooh and aah about marrying their "best friend." I wasn't one of them. When I got married, I had best friends and did not want to replace them.  My husband was my friend, but not my best friend. We'd spent time together, but we weren't joined at the hip, constantly together, or even telepathic like some of my best friends. We'd just spent enough time together to know we didn't want to be apart. I married my husband because I loved him, well, like a lover. 

After a year and counting of marriage, I still love my husband. I am still attracted to him physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise. Over time, though, our initial attraction has grown into something more. The warm fuzzies and giddiness have grown into a steady sense of commitment and family. We're becoming better friends, and maybe best friends. Dare I say that maybe marriage is a best friend making process?

Marriage results in lots of time spent together. Marriage is an accumulation of many shared experiences. Marriage is living and learning...a lot. Marriage is having fun and laughing together. Marriage is experiencing hardship and crying together. If it takes 200 hours to make a best friend and you haven't spent that much time together before marriage, marriage provides the fertile ground of time for making a forever best friend.

Some people say they marry their best friend. I say that your spouse becomes your best friend. Marriage is a best friend making process. While I still have best friends, my husband is slowly eclipsing them all, and that's the way it should be...for better or for worse.

Apple Recipe Round-Up

You know I like a good recipe roundup. And you know I like pumpkin. But when the initial pumpkin shortage tempered my normal fall baking pattern, I knew I had to find a new theme. Enter apples. They're a fall frivolity and one I often fail to showcase, despite how much I enjoy them. Enter the apple recipe a week for fall challenge. Below are just a few of the fruits of my labor:

Apple cinnamon buttermilk quick bread (The Kitchn)

Apple stuffed baked oatmeal (inspired by this recipe)

Apple cider granola (Allison Day/Yummy Beet)

Apple pie overnight oats (Budget Bytes)

Apple peanut butter baked oatmeal 

Baked apple cider donuts (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Chocolate turmeric applesauce baked oatmeal

Feel free to share any of your favorite apple recipes in the comments section. It's still apple season!

Real Life Marriage: Anger

(Photo by Roberta Pommert)

I have never considered myself an angry person, at least not a regularly angry person. Until this second year of marriage. And man, I have been angry. Not the yelling, throwing things, cursing kind of angry, but the quiet, brooding, cry-my-eyes-out, "I'm so frustrated, I can't stand it," kind of anger. I find myself wanting to express anger towards my husband more often than not, but each time, the Spirit convicts me that I am not really angry at him. No, I am angry about other things. 

I am angry about unmet expectations. I had expectations that marriage would give my husband and I more time to spend together. I had expectations we'd still go on dates and have fun. We do have fun, but many of our meals these days turn into business meetings. We spend the time we're not at work doing chores around the house. Planning date nights is work. I don't want it to be this way. 

I am angry at myself. I thought I would have energy to work and do all the things a "good" wife should. Work alone exhausts me.  I expected I would have more tolerance for little irritations. No. My tolerance is low. I want to fix bad days for my husband and make him feel better when he is sick. I can't. My inability to help makes me angry, too. No, I'm not angry at at my husband. I'm angry at life. And if I am angry at life, I am angry at God. Dangerous territory.

I got really angry the other night because I did all of my husband and I's chores and had time to make dinner. I was so proud of myself and hoped we could at least spend a little bit of time after dinner: talking or watching our favorite show or something. My husband had to work late, though, so I ate dinner alone. He had more work after he got home, so we only talked enough to get him dinner and back on his computer. I recognized that the situation wasn't his fault, but I still felt so upset. I was quiet. Then I brooded. Then I got sad. In the end, I realized that my anger was trying to tell me something. My anger was trying to tell me how much I cared.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I am not indifferent towards my husband! I love him very much. I want to spend time with him. I want our marriage to be what God intends in to be, to reflect Christ and the church. And it's so stinking hard. That's why I get angry. Because it shouldn't be this way. And that feeling is accurate. We were designed for perfection, for perfect unity with God and with each other. Righteous anger shows me that that unity doesn't exist, at least not here and now on this earth. 

I get angry. I'll probably keep getting angry. But I hope the Holy Spirit will keep convicting me. I hope God will keep using marriage to hone me more and more into his image. Instead of getting angry at my husband, myself, or others, I hope I get angry at sin. I hope I get angry at my selfishness. I hope I get angry at my pride. I hope I pray for my heart, for my husband's heart, for our marriage. I hope I confess and repent and turn from sin more and more to Jesus. He got angry, too, but he had righteous anger. That's the kind of anger I want.

Breathe.

Yep. We might all need this one today. Because whether our candidate got elected or not, the world is a scary place. Let's be real. It was scary before this. COVID, anyone? So here's a simple piece of advice: Breathe. Yeah, it seems basic, but we really need to do it.

One day recently, I got really overwhelmed. My thoughts were racing. My body was spastic. I was rushed and in a hurry. I went for a walk and literally had to focus on my breath and tune out everything else. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Listen to the sounds of air coming in and out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It made a surprising difference.

Other ways to breathe? 

The hand breath

The belly breath

Meditation

You do you. Find your way and do it. Just breathe. Life may be stressful, but nothing can take away your breath, at least until God says it can. So use your body. Serve your body. 

BREATHE!

World Weary

I'm so tired. Tired of the rhetoric. Tired of the unsolicited text messages. Tired of the stacks of political mail that goes straight from the mailbox to the trash can. Tired of the harassing and the haranguing. Tired of the guilt tripping. Tired of the smoke and mirrors on one side and the loud, brazen brashness and disrespect on the other. Tired of the honking, flag-flying cars and trucks driving through downtown. Tired of the overall lack of civility. 

It seems most people feel like the world will end if their candidate doesn't win tomorrow. But you know what? It won't. The world is going to end, but not as a result of an election. The Bible says the earth is all going to burn. But only when when God is good and ready. Only He knows when that will be. So in the meantime, can we work on our world? Can we look for the good instead of the bad? Can we see people as people and now our enemies? We're humans, not just voters.

I have seen good lately: in the well-dressed woman who got off her bike to get a water bottle out of her saddle bags and give it to a homeless person. In the neighbors who brought us a six pack of gourmet cupcakes. In the city's food drive. In the wrap-around care given to grieving parents. In unsolicited cards of encouragement from friends. I have no idea how most of these people voted. I don't really care to know. Life is a lot more than politics.

I'm so tired, tired of the world we live in. But what if instead of tiring ourselves with the news, with what we dislike we tired ourselves with doing good? What if we tired ourselves texting our friends to say we care? What if we overloaded the postal service with notes of encouragement? What if we spurred one another on towards love and good works? What if we took to the streets to tell people they are loved? What if we considered our neighbors as better than ourselves? What if we grew weary of doing good instead of weary of the world? That, my friends, might actually make a difference.No president or elected official can truly change our world. Only we, with God's help, can do that.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

~Galatians 6:9