In Defense of the Traditional Female Gender Role

If you would have told me I'd be saying this a few years ago, I would have said, "No way." If you would have told me I'd be married even a few years ago, I would have said, "Nah." But things change. People change. And so while what I'm about to write may shock a few people, it's a result of the above mentioned ability to change. And this is it: Maybe a woman's place really is at home.

I always railed against the idea of the domestic housewife. I wanted to do more. Be more. I felt that being "just" a housewife was menial, demeaning. I subscribed to the biblical idea of complimentarian gender roles, in that I needed to submit to men in leadership, and a husband if I ever had one, but thought I could do that and be an aspiring career woman. Well that changed.

I returned to my full-time (plus!) job just two weeks after my husband and I got married. I attempted to keep the same pace and focus, but things just weren't the same. I wanted to work, wanted to help, but also wanted to be home to care for my husband. I felt very guilty when I got home after him or had to have him make dinner because I was late. He was totally willing to help cook when he could, but I felt that as a wife, cooking was my job.

I had career aspirations, things I wanted to do and accomplish. I still have them, kind of. I have things I want to do and explore. I like learning. All pales in comparison to wanting to be a good wife, though. Career takes at least second place, if not third or fourth or lower.

My husband has taken on some of the household chores as we've been married longer. He says it's only fair if he has time and I'm working full-time. That makes sense, but marriage isn't all about fairness. I know that household chores aren't my husband's favorite. It blesses him if I do them. I want to bless him.

The more I talk to wives and moms, the more I find women in the same situation as me. They find that they cannot work full-time and keep up with their house and family as they want, so they work part-time. One woman told me that she lost all career motivation when she got married and subsequently became a mom. She might still work, but she is not as interested in the prospects. Several of the bloggers I follow had dramatic career changes after marriage and child bearing. It's a trend.

Marriage changes things. Marriage changed (and is changing!) me. I like working. I think I might be bored if I stayed at home all day and didn't see an outside soul. But I don't think work is what I was created to do as a wife. Home is where my heart is. Even if/when I am working that is my place, and that is where my greatest focus lies.

Mug Cake Month

I have gotten back into making mug cakes this month. (If you are not familiar with mug cakes, they are single serve cakes made in a mug, usually cooked in the microwave, but sometimes in the oven.) Mug cakes are not the be-all, end-all of desserts, but they are convenient and they keep life interesting. (I am bad about making dessert, eating it once, and letting the rest go to waste.) I have made mug cakes before, but I found a wealth of new mug cake recipes on Pinterest, and have been going off those. So without further ado, here are a few winning recipes (with my adjustments) that I have found so far:

Cinnamon roll microwave mug cake (Kim's Cravings)

Mix:

1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/4 t baking powder

Stir in:

3 T whole milk
1 T unsweetened applesauce
1/4 t vanilla

Top with 1 teaspoon cinnamon sugar and swirl into batter with a knife. Microwave for 1 minute, 30 seconds.

Banana bread muffin (Skinny Taste)

*I made this one in a bowl. Bowls also work for mug cake recipes. 

Mash:

1 banana

Stir in:
1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t vanilla 

Add in 2 T of water if the batter is dry. Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds for a gooey cake, or 2 minutes for a more firm cake.

Single serving brownie (Brooklyn Farm Girl)

Mix:

2 T whole wheat flour
2 T Cocoa
1 t cinnamon 
1/2 t baking powder

Stir in:

1/4 c applesauce 
2 T water

Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds.
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If you have any fun mug cakes, please comment, or send them my way. I enjoy experimenting!

Real Life Marriage: Traditions

'Tis the season to be jolly? Or is it? Thanksgiving through Christmas is a great time of year, but it can also be difficult. There are lots of demands on time. Families can clash. Stress and strife can reign, but they don't have to. We can choose how we go through the holidays. Traditions help us do that.

My husband and I hold very similar values, but come from different backgrounds. The longer that we are married, the more we navigate our own traditions. So far, we have not come up on any real conflicts, but we recognize that the holidays can hold conflict, and we try to avoid it. How? By combining traditions where we can, compromising where we can't; and by making new collective traditions that are special just to us.

Let me give some examples:

Combining: Both of our families open one present on Christmas Eve, so this tradition is a no-brainer. When we host Christmas, we go with our joint tradition. 

Compromise: My husband's family decorates for Christmas after Thanksgiving dinner. This is a little stressful for me, especially when I have just cooked a meal. Since my husband does most of the decorating, though, I let him have at it. (Truthfully, he does a better job than I do.) As far as family goes, we are still figuring that out, but we agree that we should alternate between families, where feasible. Since I like staying home for the holidays, my husband proposed that we give ourselves the off-year holidays.

Collective: My best friend gifted us an ornament made from our wedding program for our first Christmas. Last Christmas, we decided to make a tradition of buying an ornament to represent each year. Last year, we purchased one with masks and sanitizer due to the COVID pandemic. This year, we purchased one that had to do with our weekly traditions (more on that later, maybe). Each Christmas, we take photos to use for a card, and we work together to send out the cards. Around Christmas, we also choose a new marriage devotional practice for the year and purchase a new book, if needed. These are our traditions. 

Traditions aren't be all end all. Being black-and-white about them does not help holiday stress. Having them gives us something to look forward to in the season, though. The traditions help us shape our own identity. We do them while they work, and when they don't, we have grace, or we start new traditions. That is the beauty of real life!

Five Tips for Saving Money on Groceries

Groceries make up a significant part of a family's budget. As the manager of our family's budget and the chief "shopper," I am always looking for ways to save. Here a few tips that I have learned:

1. The more stores you go to, the more you spend (generally). Yes, shopping at multiple stores allows you to find multiple sales, but it also means multiplied time, and time is a form of currency. Shopping at multiple stores increases opportunity to make impulse buys, and as time goes by, decision fatigue creeps in, making it more likely to make unwise decisions at the last stores.

Tip: If you must shop multiple stores, try to shop on different days, or even different times of the month based on a rotating schedule.

2. Grocery pickup saves you money, until it doesn’t. Most pickup services require a a minimum purchase. If you need groceries that total that amount, great! If you only need a few items, you guessed it, it’s cheaper to grab them yourself. I’ve found I can actually run in for a few sundries and get out again in the time it would take me to wait for pickup delivery.

Tip: Whether you do pickup or not, still use the store app as a grocery list, as it allows you to see a running total of what you need in order to determine if pickup is beneficial and if not, how you might include the total of what you need into your weekly grocery budget.

3. Budget for the cost of warehouse store membership (e.g. Costco, Sam's Club) from the house fund, not the grocery fund (Don't Waste the Crumbs, 2021). Trying to scrimp enough from the grocery budget to afford the yearly subscription isn’t worth it!) Having those funds set aside elsewhere is such a relief.

Tip: If you buy groceries via subscription, eg Hello Fresh, etc. (not really budget friendly anyway, consider a special or different budget fund. This avoids the grocery fund getting “eaten” by other expense categories.

4. Shop and stock the sales. I have found that most stores rotate sales on basic items like cheese, eggs, and meat. I try to shop the sales and buy the most items I can afford (and fit in my freezer, fridge and pantry) so that I only have to buy items when they are on sale. It is not a fool-proof plan, but it helps.

5. Use the freezer! Going off the above, store bread, cheese, meat, and other stocked, but perishable items in the freezer. This allows you to take advantage of sales without having to hurry through what you do buy.

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I am by no means an expert, but I try to make the most of the resources God has given me. May He continue to give wisdom and may He get the glory!

Reference:

Don't Waste the Crumbs. (2021, March 26). How to budget for bulk purchases. https://dontwastethecrumbs.com/how-to-budget-for-bulk-purchases/

Practical Tips for Sharing Money

My husband and I share our money. Like we have joint accounts. Like we don't have our own accounts. Period. What's ours is ours. But how, as two separate people, do we practically make living as one with our budget work? Here's how:

1) We have roles. Currently, I have the roles of paying the bills and managing the budget. This does not mean my husband is subservient to me or that I decide how to spend our money. It just means that I keep track of things. This role differentiation prevents conflict about whose job it is to balance the budget day by day. It is my responsibility, so receipts for spending go to me and I take care of them.

2) We have periodic budget meetings. This wise idea came from my mom. We should have these monthly, but do not always. The premise of the budget meeting is to take stock of our finances each month so that both of us know where we stand. We both have access to our bank account balance, but I keep the books, and while my husband can look at them any time, he chooses to trust me and get updated at our budget meetings. It frees up brain space for him to do other things, to carry out other roles that are currently assigned to him.

3) We have an allowance that is part of our budget. Communicating about money is good. Communicating about every last cent spent can get tedious. Sometimes we do not want to communicate about what we spend money on, so as to surprise the other one. Enter marriage protection insurance. We got this idea from first year marriage books and liked it, so we instituted it for ourselves (Devries & Wolgemuth, 2012). The allowance is a category of our budget for discretionary spending for each of us. Each of us gets a set amount of money to spend every month, no questions asked. We can choose to take the money in case, or use the cards and then share the receipts. 

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Do these practices prevent all money stress? No. We still have plenty of it. These tips do help us be more unified with spending, though. They keep us honest. They keep the one budget system working, and that's what we want, to be one, in money, and in marriage.

Reference:

Devries, S., & Wolgemuth, B. (2012). What every bride needs to know: The most importance year in a woman's life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Sharing Money

I was very adamant that my husband not know much about my money before we got married. After we got married, however, I insisted that I share all my accounts and even my credit cards with him. The bank demanded a marriage license for me to do this. The credit card agency warned me that adding my husband to the account that was previously mine did not give him any accountability, at least with the credit bureaus. I did not care. We were married, and we now shared everything.

Couples differ in the ways that they handle money. I am not here to say there is necessarily always one right way. Situations differ. I am here to make a strong argument for the importance of sharing money, however, and to encourage couples to consider it if they have not yet done so.

Sharing money cements a marriage. It puts some skin in the game. If we share money, we share ownership. If we share ownership, we share responsibility. It is not one person's job to manage the money, but both a responsibility for both spouses, and if marriage is two becoming one, this makes sense.

When we share money, we share accountability. Both of our expenses affect, well, both of us. We cannot spend in isolation and therefore impoverish the other. We also cannot spend in anonymity. The bank shows what and where we spend, preventing us from spending on things we shouldn't, and forcing communication when we do spend. We know from experience that increased communication benefits our marriage.

Sharing money not only promotes positive marriage habits, but promotes a positive marriage environment overall. How? Writer Shaunti Feldhan suggests that having separate accounts and having to negotiate money results in a 50% deduction in marital happiness (Fuller, Smalley, & Smalley, 2021). That's huge, and not something I want!

Does sharing money fix everything in our marriage? No, it makes some things hard, like buying each other gifts, like spending on things we want. Is it worth it overall, though? Yes. The unity, communication, and happiness it promotes are worth it. I would not have it any other way.

References:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., and Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2021, June 24). Working through different financial priorities. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/working-through-different-financial-priorities/

Blessings: Not Just For Me

The older I get, the more blessed I realize I am. While I was not raised in a wealthy family, and do not consider myself wealthy now, I am rich in many other ways. I had and have many resources that others do not. As a believer in Christ, I have an obligation to share.

First of all, I am privileged to be known as a child of God. As Paul writes in Titus, "he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy" (Titus 3:5). I do not deserve salvation. I can in no way earn it, yet God in His grace, provided Jesus' sacrifice for my sins. Resources indeed, resources meant to be shared!

I grew up in a two-parent family with a mom and dad committed to my siblings and I, and to each other. There have been times, many times, when I felt a little envious of ways that my parents poured into others. I wanted them to be mine, all mine. Then I realized what a blessing I had in them! It is only right that I should share the wonderful people and gifts that my parents are with others.

I was single for a very long time. I gave up imagining getting married and could never have imagined marrying a man as wonderful as my husband. Sometimes I do not want to share him with others. I want all his attention and affection. I need to share him, though, realizing that he is not mine, but God's. Given that he is my husband, I have his love forever, so I can afford to share him with others. It is safe for me to do so.

I have a home. Though small, we are blessed to live in it, and this too, I should share with others. It does not matter as much how clean or pretty or decorated it is, but that I use it for God's purposes: to love and serve my husband, and to love and serve others as the Spirit directs.

I have a job. I got the chance to go to college and graduate school. I have food in the pantry. I have relative health. I have my five senses. I could go on and on. While there are many things I do not have, I have more. 

I am blessed, and the blessings I have are not just for me. As I heard on a recent podcast, "our blessings aren't just meant for us. They are meant to be shared" (Frederick & Frederick, 2021). As the Psalmist writes, when we have a God who fills our cups, they should overflow to others (Psalm 23:5; Trapp, n.d., as cited in Guzik, 2011). This is a high calling, a holy calling.

I am not perfect. I am selfish. I hoard my blessings, for fear that they expire or extinguish. That is not God's way. God's way is to give to overflowing, for He has enough not just for me, but for the world He made and loves.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

References:

Frederick, R., & Frederick, S. (Hosts). (2021, November 16). Bringing others in (The home, 3 of 4) (No. 244). [Audio podcast episode]. In Fierce Marriage. https://fiercemarriage.com/bringings-others-in-the-home-3-of-4

Guzik. D. (2011). Study guide on Psalm 23. Blue Letter Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/guzik_david/StudyGuide2017-Psa/Psa-23.cfm