September Deja Vu

September has been bringing up a lot of feelings for me. When I look back, I think that September was when I really started falling for him. If you know much of our story, you know that we had a little bit of an atypical dating relationship and really didn't officially date that long before we got engaged and married. But we were friends last September and definitely talking a lot. I am sure I liked him then, but I was afraid, very afraid. I was afraid of my feelings. I was afraid that I would misstep and lose the tenuous friendship that I had with him. I was afraid that whatever happened would be very hard.

September was hard. It was good, but hard. He came hiking with me on Labor Day. (No, I didn't admit that he was with me when I posted about my hike.) He came with me to a coworker's music event. I introduced him as a friend. 

I felt very caught about his' birthday. I valued him and wanted to celebrate him, but didn't know what I could do without crossing the "friend" line. He ended up inviting a bunch of friends, including me, over for dinner, and we ate and played games and had a great time. But I was utterly convinced that there was no way he had any feelings for me other than friendship, so when it was time to leave, it was time to leave, and I said goodbye and walked out to my car, figuring it would soon be time to say goodbye to even other friendship. (I strongly believed that guys and girls could not be friends long term if they had hopes of ever getting married. Because in my opinion, strong opposite sex friendships can harm a marriage relationship.) But then he walked out with me and said we should go hiking again. I told him of my plans to go hiking that Saturday. Guess what? He came. It was a fun hike, a good hike, but there again were those confusing, hard-to-deal with feelings.

Other things happened in September-more conversations, maybe other get-togethers. I don't totally remember. What I do remember very vividly are the feelings. Looking back to then and seeing where I am now, I feel pretty incredulous at where God has us today: definitely committed, very much in love, and married almost three months.

Why do I share all this? To say that facing hard feelings will end up with fairy tale results? No. Although God did bless us by working out our love story, that is not everyone's story. Many people feel for people and it doesn't work out. Many people have hard feelings and fears period, and sometimes those fears materialize. 

No. I share all this because I think it's important to recognize our feelings. It's important to face hard feelings, especially when they make us afraid. Because when we pull back, we miss opportunities to live and learn and love and grow.

September is a reminder for me of the past, of where I've been, and a marker for where I am now. September is a reminder that God can do a lot in a short amount of time. September is a reminder that fears can reveal to us what's important, and what's worth fighting for.

Do I have September deja vu? Yes. But it's a good thing.

Mental Health Days, And Why We Need Them

I took a day off a few weeks ago. I hoped it would be to go see my new nephew be born, but alas, he tarried. So I took the day off to rest. Oh, how I needed it.

Here's what my unscheduled day looked like:

Sleeping in

A slow jog

Yoga

Reading

A nap

Fabric card making

Errands

Dinner with family in town

Was I productive? Kinda. Did I do things that matter? Yes. Did I do everything that needed to be done? Nope. And irresponsible as it sounds, I tried not to think about work.

Why? I needed a Mental Health Day. I needed a break. Our minds can tire just like our bodies break down and get sick. And my thoughts and emotions had taken a beating in the prior weeks. They needed time to rest and heal just like our bodies do after illness. So with the Lord's help, I gave myself that time.

Do I recommend that everybody take Mental Health Days? Yes, actually I do. I'm not saying to shirk duties and call out sick from work all the time. But I am encouraging us to consider that our brains need to be healthy just as much as our bodies. So when we've had enough, feel we've hit a wall, and just don't want to do it anymore, maybe it's time for a break. Maybe it's time to respect our mental health just like we do our physical health.

I'd Like to Leave Church, But I Can't.

It seems to be a season of disillusionment with the church. Prominent Christian leaders have announced that they've left their faith, are losing their faith, or are “deconstructing” their faith. Having grown up in the church, and after seeing many of it's ups and downs, I'm a bit frustrated myself.

I'm frustrated at the homogeneity of the church and our inability to accept diversity. I'm frustrated that we kick our down (which is why I didn't name leaders above) when what they really need is love and accountability and grace. I'm frustrated that the church struggles with science and will often disregard it rather than wrestle with it. I'm frustrated that the church has become so political and business-like. I'm frustrated that there aren't more people like me in the church (which I guess is an oxymoron given my first statement). I want to leave. I want to tuck tail and say good riddance and be done with church. But I can't.

First, there's the biblical command to gather together as believers (Heb 10:24-25). Then there's the command to respect the pastors and elders he raises up (Eph 4:10-12). And then the command to submit to my husband, who works at a church, and definitely believes in going to church (Eph 5:22). If I say I have a relationship with Christ and God is my Heavenly Father, I have to ultimately submit to and obey Him. No excuses.

Then there's the fact that I'm not an island. I need accountability and community. What better place than the church to find both than in the church, with people like-minded in my faith? There's broken people there just like me. I need them, and maybe, just maybe, they need me.

Next, there's the idea that if I leave the church, I'm being just like the people I have problems with in the church. I'm being judgmental and prideful and hypocritical. I've being week and giving up. I'm failing to be patient. I've failing to have hope and believe in redemption. I'm failing to believe that perseverance produces character, and character growth (Rom 5:1-5). I'm failing to believe that trials can produce growth (James 1:2-4)

Finally, there's the fact that my husband wisely pointed out: The church is the bride of Christ (Eph 5:21-33). If I reject the church, I reject Christ. And I don't want to do that. Christ is my life. In Him, I have salvation and hope and purpose. No, I cannot, and pray will not ever leave Christ.

I'd like to leave church, but I can't. I'm not ready to be done with my faith, with my walk with my Lord, so I can't be done with church. The two are intricately intertwined.

Marriage is Ministry.

Photo credit: Arris Affairs

"Marriage is ministry." I first heard this phrase when listening to the commentary for my daily Bible reading. The more I thought about it, the more I found it true. Marriage is supposed to be our primary commitment in life, second only to our commitment to Christ. And if marriage is supposed to image Christ and the church (which I believe it is), then marriage should include service, for Christ gave all.

So what does mutual ministry look like in marriage? It's not black and white. And most of the time, it's not as glamorous as people make it out to be. Sometimes it's cooking dinner, eating alone, and keeping the food warm for my husband when arrives home well afterward. Sometimes it's the ministry of presence sitting together on the couch as we both work on our laptop computers. Sometimes it's him holding me when I cry. Sometimes it's doing that extra chore because I know it will bless him. And sometimes it's allowing him to do something for me because doing so will bless him. Ministry in marriage varies every day, day by day.

Marriage is about growth and sanctification. Therefore, ministry in marriage is definitely not cut and dry. That's why we need Christ as our Savior and model. Because we can only truly serve each other in His strength. And we need his ministry of salvation and redemption before we can truly minister to others. But when we minister to others, especially our spouses, it grows us in ways we couldn't imagine, closer to God and closer to each other. In that way, marriage is a ministry of God to us!

Respect.

I have always believed that teaching in the church is a high calling. I have always agreed with paying a pastor to do the full-time work of teaching and preaching (1 Cor 9:24). But I have a new respect for teachers and preachers after watching my husband study for his last few youth group lessons. It's hard work.

Preparing for teaching takes a mental toll.

My husband gets very quiet the week before he teaches. He spends a lot of time in thought. He knows that teachers are held to a higher account (James 3:1), and he takes his responsibility seriously. 

Preparing for teaching takes time.

My husband spends hours and hours preparing to teach God's Word. He reads the passage. He reads commentaries. He researches the history behind the passage. He meditates on what he learns. He makes an outline. He writes out what he wants to say. Preparation is a marathon, not a sprint.

Preparing for teaching involves spiritual warfare.

Hard things typically happen around teaching time. That's not surprising given that the enemy does not want God's word to go forth. But lack of sleep, external stress, family stress, sickness, relational issues, they all seem to come up around teaching time.

Why do I share all this?

Because I think we in church congregations can take for granted how great a toll teaching takes on our pastors and elders. I think we can grow complacent in our appreciation of what our teachers do. We can fail to pray as we should for those that teach. 

Pastors and teachers deserve our respect. That's biblical. But being married to a teacher has made it a lot more real. It has caused me to appreciate my husband in a new way, and ask how I can better show respect to others that teach. 

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What about you? Have you expressed appreciation to your pastor recently? Are you complacent in your appreciation of what he does? I encourage you to re-examine the vital roles of pastors and teachers in the church, and to see what you can do to thank them. Our teachers are putting a lot on the line when they not only prepare, but preach God's word.

It's Okay to Need!

I've been struggling lately with needing. I hate feeling like I can't do this life alone. I hate needing help. I hate asking for help. I struggle to accept help when it's given. I've been angry at myself for how much I need my husband. Overall, I've judged myself as weak and selfish and have honestly felt ashamed. But then I read something in None Like Him, the book by Jen Wilkin that I've been reading.

What? Come again? We're created to need. Yes. A need is a limit, and since only God is self-sufficient and limitless, need is part of our created nature. As I reflected on that statement and thought about the Garden of Eden, I realized that God created Eve because Adam needed companionship before the fall. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so he gave Adam another human being (Gen 2:18). This means need is not a sin. In fact, it might be quite the opposite. Not admitting I need might be the real sin, because I'm trying to act like I'm on par with God, an entirely self-sufficient being. Yikes!

It's incredibly freeing to see my neediness as at least neutral, or even as good. Neediness forces me to run to God as my ever-present refuge and fortress in trouble (Ps 91:2). Neediness allows me to acknowledge my brokenness and sit with others in theirs. Neediness allows me to draw close to others as they minister to me and I minister to them in the ways that God has called us and gifted us. Neediness strengthens and deepens my will to persevere and helps me see that God can work good out of any situation. Neediness allows me to feel close to others and to relish the closeness that our human frailty brings.

My name is Sarah. I'm needy. I guess that's okay.

Real Life Marriage: The Hardest Thing

(Photo by Arris Affairs)

Two months. That's how long we've been married. It's been wonderful and super painful. It's been joy-filling and heart-wrenching. The hardest thing? The loneliness. And no, it's not because of my husband. It's because of me.

I've felt lonely these past two months. Lonely for the old me. Everything about marriage and being a wife is new. And it's good and growing and beautiful. But sometimes I long for the old me, where I knew a little more about life, or at least in hindsight, thought I did. I long for the comfort and safety of routine and my way. I honestly sometimes long to be selfish and not have to think about anyone else. I long for the times I thought I knew how to love people. I rue the painful, yet productive pricks the Spirit gives as I learn to love the new person who is permanently in my life.

I've felt lonely. Lonely for my parents. The whole leaving and cleaving thing wasn't as hard as I expected in terms of forming a new family with my husband. I enjoy marriage and all of its adventures. But I had no idea how much I relied on my parents until I left them. Now I have to rely on my husband, and though that's a good thing, it's hard and painful. I find myself grieving the parent-child relationship I had, even as I rejoice in the new bonds Chris and I are forming with my parents as a couple.

Marriage is tough. Not because of fighting or relational tension or discomfort so much as because of the way it exposes my flaws. My loneliness has exposed my great need for God, and for Him to be first above all else. My loneliness has exposed my sin and my need for sanctification. My loneliness has exposed my selfishness and my struggle to really love another human fully and completely.

Marriage is good and growing. I thank God for it, and for my husband. And I thank my husband for being patient and gracious and kind to me as I deal with these things that are hard, and that I never thought would be as hard as they are.

To God be the glory. Great things He hath done (and is progressively doing).

Exploring Flagstaff

Arizona has so many great little places to explore. Flagstaff is one of them. My husband and I went to there just a few weekends ago. The real reason we went was for me to attend training, but we decided to make a weekend getaway of it. We'd been to Flagstaff before, but in our "not dating" phase, and that time, we only to stayed to hike and visit Chipotle. This time we did a little more.

We found this little park and ate lunch at it the first day:

Bushmaster Park

That evening, we dined at Collin's Irish Pub and Grill.

I wouldn't call my slider burger and sweet potato fries very authentic Irish food, or even really Irish, but the restaurant aura was nice with high booths, and wooden tables. The service was good, though I wish the waitresses had a little different attire. Since we went early, though, the atmosphere was overall pretty family friendly. In fact, we saw several families with kids come in while we were there.

After that, we walked around and explored downtown. There are so many shops and lots of fun kitschy things.

Some appropriate (and some not so much)

Sunday morning, we hiked at Campbell Mesa.

 The 2.7 Anasazi Loop was more of a walk than a hike, but we still enjoyed it.

We stopped at Bushmaster Park for lunch the second day as well.

And since we had work on Monday, we hightailed it down the mountain after I finished training. But I definitely think there's more to explore.

Until next time, Flagstaff!

I've Been In Your Chair.

I've been in your chair. I've been in that place of darkness and depth and desperation (and sometimes I still find myself there). I've needed insight and help and encouragement and guidance and motivation. And people were there for me.

I've had several kids ask me why I do what I do over the past few years. Quite simply, I've been there. I went through a long period of darkness in my early teen years, and even into college and my early adulthood. (And I'm not saying I don't have dark days now. I do.) But I was in a period of life where I was incredibly self destructive, where I didn't believe anyone loved me, where all I saw was darkness, and I needed help. I needed professional help.

I went to a variety of professionals (both physical and mental practitioners) during that time. Some were helpful. Some were not. But the helpful ones, the counselors who propelled me towards the Lord and towards freedom were the ones that gave me information that made a difference. They were the ones who walked with me through hard times, who didn't tell me it was going to be okay, but who held hope for me that one day my life would be better. And praise the Lord, it is. Some of those people know where I am today. Some don't. But those who knew me then and know me now can testify that I am a different person.

As a counselor, I'm not saying I'm beyond counseling. I've been back to counseling several times since my intensive days, and I'm not against going again. As a Christian, I'm not saying that prayer and accountability and lay person encouragement don't make a difference, either. They do. But sometimes you just need professional help. You need an outside observer, an impartial party, someone you can yell at, and be angry at, and not have to be in an everyday relationship with. Someone who will help you process the hard things. Someone who can give you insight and perspective and guidance. Some days, I'm honored to be in that chair.

I've been in your chair. That's how I got to my chair. By God's grace, I'm a counselor. And if I'm your counselor, I'm honored to hold hope for you, because others once held hope for me. And by the Holy Spirit's power, I'll keep holding hope for you, and for a better world until Christ returns and makes all things new.