When My Heart Doesn't Believe

Do I admit that I've felt hopeless? Do I confess that my heart is not in what I preach right now?  I normally don't write when I'm in the middle, when I have no resolution to a situation, but here I am, feeling compelled to write....now. Why? I don't know. Maybe someone else feels the same as I do.

I feel hopeless. In my head, I know that God exists, that the Bible's promises are true, that God can do anything. I don't feel it it my heart, though. I feel dead, numb, sad, sorrowful, pained. The waves of emotion vary day by day, but they beat the shore of my life with the same dull message: "It's impossible." It's impossible that the stress will end. It's impossible that life will get better. It's impossible that my health will improve. It's impossible that I will overcome my selfish habits and be a better wife. It's impossible that we will have the type of marriage I want. The list goes on and on. The roar is deafening. And amidst the roar, I still hear more: the emptiness of God's promises when I recite them to family, friends, coworkers, and clients; the messages of guilt. The cacophony is intense.

Even with all this, another message has been tapping against my heart lately, squeezing in between the larger waves and gently lapping at my shores: "Hope that is seen is no hope at all" (Romans 8:24, New International Version [NIV]). "Hope that is seen is no hope at all." What is hope? Waiting for something to happen? Expectation? A heart thing? Or is it a head thing? Is it faith, even against all odds? I'm starting to lean towards that last one.

I see nothing at times. I feel nothing at times. I believe only because my belief is all I have left. If God does not exist and His promises are not true, I am of all people the most miserable (1 Corinthians 15:19, King James Version [KJV]). I truly have nothing to live for. But if hope is not hope until it is in the unseen, maybe I am on the right track. Maybe the hope I thought I had in the past truly was not hope. It was in tangible things, things I could see. Now those are not there. All I can do is hope the unseen, have faith that God can do the impossible. It's all I can do. All I can wrap my head around. Maybe my heart will follow in due time.

Simple Summer Suppers

Is it hot? Or is it hot??? 

In honor of the current heat wave, I thought I'd share a few of our current favorite dinners. Heat once, eat (at least) twice, and taste good cold are some of our pre-requisites for recipes these days. With that being said, here are a few of our favorites:

Cold peanut noodle salad with peanut lime dressing (Budget Bytes)

Instant Pot barley and vegetable risotto (Hot Rod's Recipes)

Instant Pot black beans and rice (Cozy Peach Kitchen)

Instant Pot Mexican quinoa (Cook with Manali)

Instant Pot zucchini linguine (365 Days of Slow Cooking)

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What are your favorite summer recipes? 

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Please share in the comments section!

Put in the Minimum. Get the Maximum.

My unwritten personal policy used to be, "Go hard. Go long." "Push until you can't push anymore." "Do the most until most (or all) of your energy is spent." "Keep going until you can't." I've changed my mind. I can't keep going and going and going anymore. I can't push so hard. I no longer give until I've got nothing left. I try to put in my best, and leave the rest. My new motto is, "Put in the minimum to get the maximum."

My job is people related. I spend hours a day coaching and counseling and encouraging. I used to try to make every minute of every hour count. I didn't give myself breaks. No more. Now I try to capitalize on the moments rather than on the hours. I take breaks so that I can recharge and have something to keep giving. Sometimes that means letting a few minutes (or hours) go.

Marriage has had a lot to do with my change of heart. If I give all I have at work, I have nothing to give at home. I want to fulfill my responsibilities at my job, but I also have an obligation to my husband. That means no more overtime if I can help it. No bringing work home wherever possible. Yes, sometimes things get left for the next day, but better there than in my marriage. My marriage needs my maximum.

My new motto extends further. Cleaning? What can I do to make the house the most clean in the least time? Exercise? What will make me feel best and be the best for my body with the least toll? Gifts? What can I give that will mean something, even if the gift is small? I could go on. The principle can be applied in every arena of my life, and possibly in yours?

Some things require long term effort, endurance, and patience. I'm not saying, "Don't persevere." I trying to say for myself, and for others like me that maybe we don't have to push ourselves so hard. Maybe the maximum we've been giving is minimizing our long term effectiveness. Maybe the minimum should be our maximum, if we're giving our maximum during that minimum time. Maybe we should do less and that will be our more. We want our lives to have maximum effect for the kingdom of God, and though counterintuitive at times, often this means giving our best...to less.

Stress Management: What Can I Add?

This season of life is just hard, and stressful. I want things to change, and yet I realize that we cannot change much about our situation. There is just a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it. Since I can't take anything away from my life, I started asking, "What can I add?" It seems like a counterintutive question, but if I can find some joy by adding things to my life, maybe it will balance out what stress subtracts. 

Here are a few of my recent "adds":

Downtime: Getting up early is annoying, but if I get up early enough to start the day slowly and not rush, it helps. I spend more time (when I have it) just lying around, too. It feels lazy and wasteful, but sometimes I just have nothing else to give. Pushing myself further just increases my stress.

Music: I spend hours at a time in the kitchen Friday/Saturday/Sunday cleaning up from the past week and prepping for the next one. I have started playing Pandora or other music from my phone or the Bose speaker while I do so. Sometimes I sing along. Sometimes I don't. Overall, the music seems to make the tasks at hand more bearable, and a little less tedious.

Podcasts: I spend hours upon hours commuting to and from work. Instead of listening to the radio or pondering the work day, I have added some fun podcasts. Some are educational. Some are encouraging. Some just occupy my mind. There is time and space for thinking, but sometimes I do it too much.

Purposeful quiet: Though I do try to fill some of my time with music and podcasts, I also take time to turn everything off for a few minutes and think/pray. The space feels novel and new. As long as the quiet is calming, I do it. If anxious thoughts start to rage, I switch back to one of the above silence fillers.

Tea: I drink tea almost every morning. But sometimes I drink it at lunch (when I am home) or dinner. Tea has a calming effect on me. It helps slow down my mind. It causes me to sit down a little longer. Both can be beneficial for stress management.

Walking breaks: Dr. Bruce Perry says that regular rhythmic activity helps cancel out the negative effects of stress. So every hour that I can (at work and at home), I try to get up and walk around a little bit. It helps clear my mind.

I haven't added much. I can't add much. What I can, I am doing, and I leave the rest up to the Lord. May He increase wisdom and add where I cannot.

Don't Envy My Body.

I'm really tired of all the body talk, but I'm going to join the fracas for a moment since I feel I have some things to say. Those things are these: To those who envy thin bodies, I want to say "Thin people have problems, too." To those who think thin people have all the privileges, let me say, "Thin people face persecution, too." The thin ideal is not really ideal. Let me elaborate.

Appearance: Though in a smaller frame, I still feel self-conscious about how I look. I feel especially self-conscious because of comments people make such as, "Eat more." "You shouldn't run." "Life weights!" "Need some protein?" There is so much more that contributes to my appearance than food and exercise. Take my right arm, for instance. It's even skinnier than the rest of my body because of the botox treatment I receive to treat my focal dystonia. I can't control this, but I don't wish to talk to everyone about it, either.

Clothing: I don't have shapes and curves like some women, so finding clothes that fit right is a struggle. I prefer loose and billowy fashion, so this is not as big an issue for me as some others, but it still is a problem. Trying to find jeans for instance? Forget it. Most jeans are either too big or too small in certain places, often both. Designers don't cater to the typical "thin" body. I would argue that they don't cater to real bodies at all, but that's a different topic for a different day.

Dystonia: I wrote above about my atrophied right arm. Dystonia, visible or invisible, plagues my body. I have a neurological disorder and a disability, even in my thin "healthy" frame.

Energy: I don't have a lot of it. I generally try to eat plenty, but since my body doesn't have much fat stored, when I get hungry, my blood sugar drops fast. Then I get hangry, or otherwise emotionally dysregulated. It's not a good feeling.

Health: Some people tell me I look healthy because I am thin, but being thin carries with it its own inherent health problems. My body size makes me extremely sensitive to stress. More often than not, my yearly blood work shows that something is off, because my body just struggles to keep up with the pace of life. When I get sick, I can get really sick, and it can take me a long time to recover. Would these issues improve if I gained weight and my body grew bigger? Maybe. But if this is the size my body wants to be right now, forcing it to change might raise other problems.

I could probably go on and on, but I won't. Some people don't like my body. Some people do. I'm unfortunately in the former camp more often than not. And it is on those days especially that I want to shout from the rooftops, "Thin bodies are not the best bodies! Please don't envy me!"

I would argue that most of us struggle with our bodies. We all have bodies, after all. So instead of envying one another (I've been guilty, too!), could we respond with a little grace? Could we leave room for the body debates that some people want to have and step aside to have another discussion? Could we start talking about how we can support and care for one another in our struggles, how we can support and care for ourselves? Let's stop the envy, friends. Let's start some compassion. Let's stop talking about our bodies and start talking about some bigger things. Goodness knows there are bigger issues at stake in our world right now!

Real Life Marriage: How I Pray for My Husband

I'll never forget the day that I realized I might be praying for my husband all wrong. I had just started the 30 Day Praying for your Husband Challenge from Revive Our Hearts, and after just a few days, I noticed something. None of the prayers were about vertical things, things on earth, things in our marriage, things in our relationships. The prayers were about horizontal things: relationship to and with God, humility, leadership, patience, etc. What I had been praying wasn't wrong, but the way was praying was wrong.

I prayed for my husband since before we were married. I prayed about his work and friendships and about his struggles and sorrows. I prayed about our friendship, and then our dating, and finally our marriage. I thought I was praying for the right things because I was praying with him in mind. I realized when I started the prayer challenge that I was praying not for him, but about him. I was praying selfishly for my good, and for my definition of good, but not for my husband's good, or God's definition of good for my husband. I was praying about external things, and not about his internal state.

Praying through the 30 day challenge refocused my heart. First, it reminded me to pray first and foremost for my husband's heart, and for his right relationship with God. Second, it reminded me to pray Scripture, because that is God's known and manifested will. Third, it prompted me to pray for my husband to have Christlike character and to say to the Lord, "'Not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42, New International Version [NIV]). 

Do I still pray for the day-to-day stuff for my husband? Sure! But I try to pray about it for my husband's good, and from a perspective of what God wants, not what I want. At the end of the day, my greatest desire for my husband is that he loves God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength (Luke 10:27). When he does that, he's going to benefit. I'm going to benefit. The world is going to benefit. "'Your kingdom come [Lord], on earth as it is in heaven'" (Matt 6:10). This is the way, then, that I should pray.

Staycation: Quarantine Style

We were going to go on a vacation. Then we were going to go on a road trip. Then our state experienced a COVID-19 resurgence, and we decided to stay home. Staycation it was. And since our staycation was due to the pandemic, and my husband was technically under quarantine, we did it quarantine style.

Exercise:

Some at home fitness via Fitness Blender

A socially distanced hike

Some running

Eats:

The viral dalgona coffee

Banana bread muffins

Beans (on salad)

Pasta

Enjoyment:

Lying around: currently reading Eat Up by Ruby Tandoh

Watching Psych

Playing Scrabble

Pool time

Tie-dye

I am so grateful that I have been able to continue working through the pandemic, but honestly, there were times when I felt like I was "missing out." Now I've experienced most of the trends and feel content. And really, I needed some rest, and I needed a break. Our staycation provided both, and I am thankful.

Meaningful

I read a quote some time ago from Bob Goff: "God isn't trying to make our lives easier; He wants to make them more meaningful." Could any quote be more apt? During this time of COVID-19, it seems that nothing is easy. Getting groceries is hard. Wearing masks is hard. Being without our normal fellowship and having our sense of community disrupted are hard. Some are dealing with jobs lost and lives lost. Health professionals are working more, or less. The way we all work has certainly changed. Schools are online, or off line. Some resources are scarce. Some resources are being produced in such great abundance that we now have recalls about ones that are poisonous. Who knows when the economy will ever return to normal? I suspect we will never get back to the normal we have. It's all difficult. So, so hard.

Do I believe that God caused COVID-19? No. But in His sovereignty, I do believe that He is allowing it. Why? I don't know the ultimate reason why, but I do know that He desires that we be holy over happy. This season certainly gives us reason to live that out.

Now is certainly not an easy time, but it is a time when things take on a lot more meaning. The arduous task of grocery shopping makes food prep and purchasing more meaningful and valuable. Masks cause me to realize the importance of smiling and otherwise having non-verbal communication. Physical distancing makes the ability to hug loved ones seem oh, so much sweeter. Having work, even if it is a lot of work to do it in these times, is a great blessing. Seeing the weight of decisions resting on the backs of public officials causes me to give thanks for this country, and to pray even more fervently for those that govern. Is this life easy? No. Is it meaningful? Yes.

We have a choice now, to complain and gripe and mourn, or to make the most of these days, to focus on what really matters. Who knows when this pandemic will end? Who knows when life will get easier? No one but God. May we make life meaningful in the meantime.