13.1: My First Half-Marathon

I did it. I rain my first half-marathon Saturday. (Okay, Runkeeper officially said 13.02, but I'm counting it.) I've trained for months for this. (I started in August.) I prayed to stay well. By God's grace, I ran. Praise Him!

The Details:

The race: Janis Best

The Course: Peavine + Iron King Trails

My fuel: Clif bar plus banana before, Nuun during, and a Clif shot of energy gel at 6.6 miles (halfway)

My time: I hoped to finish under 2 hours, but I ended with 2:03:37. I got to a 9:30 mile pace, though, and I was happy with that.

How it felt: Good until about mile 10 when my knees starting hurting (Ten miles is the longest I ran on my training plan). I pushed through and my knees hurt afterward until I stretched. Then just the left knee hurt. 

My Conclusions:

Will I run a half marathon again? Maybe. It depends on how this knee soreness goes, to be honest. Otherwise, I'd definitely say yes. Training is hard, but it gives rhythm and routine and structure to my life. And accomplishing this run today proved to me that I can do hard things, and that my entire life is not going to pot (as it has felt at times). God is good. Running is good. I hope God allows me to keep doing it.

What's Wrong With Church is Me

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I wrote recently about my struggles with church. I was writing about the church corporate, as well as some of the individual churches I've been and am a part of. I could church hop and try to find a church with which I don't struggle, but as Oswald Chambers so aptly wrote, "The day we find the perfect church, it becomes imperfect the moment we join it." That's what I didn't write about in my first post. I didn't write about what's wrong with me. Because I am part of the problem.

So what's wrong with me as part of the church?

I'm judgmental. As much as I want grace and peace and understanding, I don't always give it. I fail to speak the truth in love. Instead, I speak the truth passive-aggressively, or with barbs or manipulation. The truth of the Bible is the truth. Don't get me wrong. But there is a way to speak it in a kind way. Jesus did that. I need to be more like him.

I tend to be a silo. I don't always like meeting or greeting new people. I tend to stick with those I know. And people like me are what makes the church unwelcoming. I need to practice more hospitality.

I burn rather than build bridges. I am slow to forgive. I sometimes feel that I need to assert my way instead of listening to what others have to say. I need to be slower to speak, and as a result, slower to anger and more likely to build relationships.

I act like I have it together, and I don't. There are places and times for boundaries, but as Juli Slattery wrote in a recent book of hers I read, we need to be authentic with discernment. That means not leading people to believe things that are not true. I don't often intentionally mislead people, but I think people believe I have it more together than I do. That is maybe partly their perception, but also partly what I give off. I need to work on being more genuine.

I don't serve, and I don't always support those who serve. There are times and places for service and rest, but we're all called to do something to support the body, even if it's just praying. And we are called to respect and support and encourage those who serve. I do not always do that, either.

There are probably many other problems with me as a part of the church. I am a sinner. I have a responsibility in that. As Bob Goff writes, “If you try out yet another new church, all that will happen is that you will simply encounter as much trouble as you found in the last one. There is nothing wrong with your spiritual environment, but there is something desperately wrong with you. If you fail to correct that, you will be a spiritual tramp all the days of your life” (p. 144). I don't want to be that.*

But grace. God's grace. God's grace saved me. God's grace sanctifies me. May it continue to grow me so that I am less and less of a problem in the church. And may the church grow increasingly into what God intended until his final, perfect kingdom comes.

*Let's be clear. There are good reasons to leave a church, like heresy, or poor theology, or scandal. I don't think that is what Goff is talking about here. I think he is talking about leaving the church for more "superficial" reasons.

Why I Run

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. I thought about it again this past weekend after my 10 mile training run. Why do I run? Some people think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But then I remember how I feel when I run and the benefits it gives me. I don't run for fitness or physique (those those are side benefits.) I really run for a variety of other reasons.

1) Running is my time with God. Running gives me time to think and pray and process life. I am sure part of it is the bilateral stimulation of the brain that running gives, but it's also the way God made me.

2) Running provides tangible, measurable achievement. No, life isn't all about achievement, but having something I can reasonably accomplish helps my overall mental health.

3) Running produces endorphins. Running produces feel-good chemicals in the brain. People argue about whether or not running is addictive. I reply that any habit can become an idol. As long as it does not become all consuming, running is good for me.

4) Running helps me get my daily steps in. Life is not about getting 10,000 steps a day, but since having a FitBit, I like to try. I'm more of a cardio than a strength girl, and running is the former.

5) Running is a (mostly)* free hobby. I don't have time for much with the busyness of work and life, but running is something I can fit into most weeks. I don't need a gym or special equipment (other than shoes) or tons of time. And since Arizona has a very moderate climate, I can run most days.

*Races generally cost money to enter, and I've been running more of those lately. Special supplies like energy shots also cost money, but the overall cost is negligible in my mind, and not even totally required.

I probably run for more reasons that these, but more now, this is a start of a list. Special thanks to Sarah at Bucket List Tummy who recently reposted her list of reasons to run and reminded me to write my own.

Fall in Arizona

Yes, we have seasons in Arizona, or at least in northern Arizona. And fall is falling.

The temperature swings are 30 degrees plus (heat at night and air conditioning during the day).

The trees that have leaves are changing colors.

The air is windy and the skies are cloudy.

I've pulled out my boots.

I often feel sad when seasons change, particularly from summer to fall. I mourn the loss of longer days. I miss the burning heat of the sun on my skin. I shiver in the cold. And yet the changing of seasons is right. It is the way things are supposed to be. And there are good things about fall, beauty in the loss. I will choose to recognize. I will chose to thank. I will even choose to celebrate.

"God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good."

(Quoted from The God's Not Dead movie trilogy).

The Power of the "&"

I am a counselor. But I am a young one, and an inexperienced one at that. And that's why I appreciate supervision, and supervisors, the older, wiser women who watch what I do and point out how I can do it better. Lately, my supervisors have pointed out how often I use the word, "But."

"Yes, but."
"But have you thought of."
"But you're making progress.":

"But is a dismissive word," they say. And as I've listened, I've realized they're right. But leaves room for only one option. And many, many things in life co-exist. Like joy and grief, like happiness and sorrow, like hard and good. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize the power of the "and."

My own life presently is full of ands. The goodness of marriage and the pain of its growth. The fulfillment of my work and the sorrow it brings. The excitement of what's ahead and the sadness of what I will leave. The pleasantness of friends and the way they call me out on my weaknesses and failings. The gracious salvation of Jesus and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. The joy of this present world, and yet intense longing for the one to come.

There's power in the and, friends. There is power in letting seeming opposites co-exist. Difficulty comes with the "but," because it leaves no space for all the complexities that are life.

So here's to the "&", and using it more, in work, life, and beyond!

Real Life Marriage: "In Sickness and In Health"

Photo by Sharon Lane

We pledged to love each other "in sickness and in health" in our wedding vows. I didn't quite realize how much we'd have to practice that. Chris got a terrible case of bronchitis a few weeks ago, leaving me to do most of the house stuff because he literally couldn't. Today, on our four month wedding anniversary, I have laryngitis and can barely speak. He drove me two hours to the neurologist to get botox for my dystonia. This is real married life, people.

Love is not always pretty. It is not always fun. It does not always mean being with the other person is enjoyable, either. I'm paranoid about germs. I hurt when Chris hurts. I wanted to "fix" his illness when he was sick, and I couldn't. Love was making tea. Love was fixing soup for dinner for days on end. Love was giving hugs and trusting the Lord with the results of my virus exposure. In all of these situations, love was a choice. And now Chris is doing the same for me.

For several days now, I haven't talked much at home in an attempt to save my voice. Chris has chosen to be with me even though I'm not good company. Chris had work today. He was the sole person responsible for a few things, yet he chose me over those to-dos. He chose to come with me and support me and hold my hand while I had needles poked into me and toxins injected. He chose to come with me to drive the two hours home afterward because I said my arm would hurt. He chose love. We both choose love.

Marriage is good. It is shaping. It is special and fun and all the good feels...at times. But is also hard and messy and germ-exposing. It is painful and more commiseration than camaraderie sometimes. But it's good and right.

Marriage is a commitment, and with the Lord's help, we're keeping ours:

...for better or for worse

...for richer or for poorer

...in sickness and in health

To love and to cherish, until death do us part or Jesus Christ returns.

Metamorphosis

"You look really good." I've heard that from two friends lately. While I don't want to put too much stock in external validation, their words meant a lot, because for many years, I've gotten criticism about the way I looked. And with good reason. Sometimes I was sick. Sometimes I was stressed. Sometimes I was sick because I was stressed. Sometimes I was stressed because I was sick. And sometimes I was stressed and sick. And it showed.

Life is not a bed of roses, but I do feel that I'm in a better place now. Maybe it's marriage. Maybe it's coming home to myself. Maybe it's age and maturation. All I know is that I'm in a process of becoming that isn't over yet.

I liken life to a serious of metamorphoses. There are times when we're in the darkness of the cocoon, safe and warm and well fed. And there are times when we're struggling against the darkness, trying to get out and be free. And there are times when we are happy, not perfectly so, but joyful. And we celebrate those times.

Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day, and in honor of it, I'd like to challenge all of us to take a minute to consider where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. May we remember that we are never stuck in the darkness. May we remember that freedom comes when we fight the good fight. May we remember that life is beautiful even if painful at many points along the way. Life is worth living, at any and every stage. May we live today and each day to its fullest. To God be the glory.

Becoming New: Marriage is a Remaking.

When I started feeling like God might want me to get married, I knew he had some rough edges to sand off. I knew I was stubborn and stupid and prideful and would need to change some of the ways I lived life. But man, marriage has been a lot more refining than mere sanding. It's like I'm on the pottery wheel, spinning at breakneck speed life, all the while being scraped and molded and formed into something something completely new.

Everything about marriage seems new. I'm forming new habits. I'm giving up old ones. I'm developing new allegiances. I'm dropping old ties. Things that used to matter don't matter so much, and things that used not to matter, matter. I'm tired and stressed and stretched and pressed. I don't always feel like I know myself, and the shape of what I'm turning into is unknown. Quite frankly, I often feel uncomfortable.

This is the process I committed to, however. This is what I promised to endure when I said, "For better or for worse...until death do us part." God knew what I needed. God knows the shape of what I will become.

Marriage is the making of a new family. It's two becoming one. It is also one becoming new, however. It's a reshaping of who I am, a re-becoming of the person God created me to be.

Refining? Yes. Remodeling? Yes. Marriage is all of these things. But ultimately marriage is a remaking, a remaking of everything about me. And that's okay. It's even good. Because the Potter on the wheel is in control, and His vision for my life is far beyond anything I could ever want or ask or imagine. To Him be the glory!

Arkansas, Actually

"Arkansas, actually." That's what I say when people ask me where I went to school. I received not one, but both of my degrees from a little school in Siloam Springs, Arkansas called John Brown University. It was by no means a perfect school, but I am thankful for it. And this past weekend, Chris and I got to return to celebrate the centennial anniversary of the school.

We started off our journey with an early morning trip to the airport. We of course got delayed in Dallas, but we took some good Texas pictures.

And I found some Twisted Root:

It took us a bit to get our rental car, but they were out of the economy model I requested, so we got to toodle around in this Hyundai Tucson. 

Off we went to the mall for some birthday shopping, and then to Hammontree's for some gourmet grilled cheese.

(I got the Ragin' Cajun, with andouille sausage and poblano peppers on cornmeal bread.)

Then off to our gracious hosts and to bed for the night.

I woke up decently early Friday morning and decided to go for my 4.5 mile jog. I forgot that Arkansas has hills....

Then it was off to the centennial chapel and time capsule opening. 

The time capsule opening was not that fantastic, but hearing them read what is going into the new time capsule was pretty funny. Who knows what will happen in the next 50 years? And seeing my best friends from college made everything all the better.

After the time capsule, it was alumni shopping time and lunch time. We visited my great aunt and uncle, I took Chris to see the camp where I spent some growing up years, and then we had dinner with our host family. 

Saturday was walk with a friend,

coffee time, rugby,

 and the Homegrown festival. 

Chris and I basically just hung out with my Arkansas best friend until lunch time. 

Lunch was the vegetarian burrito at La Huerta, an old favorite!

I napped Saturday afternoon because I was SO tired. Then we went to dinner at Barnett's.

(I mean, I really just went for the ice cream.)

Then off to the showcase and fireworks. 

The fireworks show was pretty epic if I do say so myself.

We had another early flight Sunday morning, more flight delays, and a long day in Phoenix, but it was worth it.

Sweet potato red pepper sandwich at Worth Takeaway

Here's to another 100 years, JBU, Lord willing!