Sunday, December 31, 2023

Everything I Read in December


I got tired of reading fiction. I started watching more Christmas movies. I know I spent way too much time scrolling social media, but I just really wanted to sit by the Christmas tree and veg out (which is what I did). So here's my meager reading list from the month (padded with all the books that took a year to read, eg. devotionals and the Bible). While I did not read a lot, I did read some really impactful books, including Nothing to Prove, and The Burning Edge. Nothing to Prove was probably the better book, but The Burning Edge reminded me of the tragedy that prompted me to move back to Arizona and see if I could help my community, which is a great thing to remember as I close out this year and begin a new one tomorrow (full reviews below).

123)
So Close to Amazing by KariAnne Wood—A tale from the creator of the blog Thistleberry Farms, this is the tale of KariAnne Wood's imperfect leap of a move from Texas to Kentucky. Filled with some heartwarming stories and tongue-in-cheek humor, this is an easy read, but not one that I found particularly meaningful. The DIY projects with each chapter seemed cute, but not me, either. Maybe if I would have enjoyed this book more if I had a connection to the author, but I don't.

124)
Prodigal Daughter by Patricia Davis—Melissa Hamilton made some mistakes, and now she has come home to face her family and deal with them. She is trying to make a life change, but not everyone believes her. Then there is a rival newspaper trying to take advantage of her story. Along the way is Richard McNeil, her family's attorney, and a man whose friendship, and more, she craves, but thinks she cannot have. This book reminds me a bit of Atonement Child in its exploration of unplanned pregnancy and consideration of adoption. Aunt Lettie and her wisdom give it a special spin. This is a tear-jerker of a tale, and a strong witness to the gospel, with the entirety of the Parable of the Prodigal Son written out in the book's pages. This is a great, complex story for all who struggle, question God, want to make their way home, or want to keep on in assurance of their eternal home, despite the sorrows of this life.

125)
Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Half-Marathon Training by Heather Hedrick, MS, RD—While this books contains some dated information (2005), when it comes to a beginner's guide, this is a good one. It is less a specific training plan for the half-marathon, and more holistic advice about starting and maintaining a healthy running journey for any distance. With information about adapting to weather, preventing injury, strength training, nutrition, and more, this book can benefit beginners, but also more experienced runners as well.

126)
A Christian Marriage Book: 52-Week Devotional for Wives by Tamara Chamberlain—This really was a solid devotional! Each two page entry (one for each week of the year) focused around a specific scripture and aspect of marriage. Each devotional ended with either a question to reflect on or a prayer to pray. Covering a gamut of topics from prayer to communication to intimacy, this is an accessible book that can help women pursue godliness in their marriages.

127) 
Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard by Jennie Allen—This book got me, hard! Allen says she wrote it in three weeks after conviction to do so, and man, it shows! After vulnerably sharing her own struggles trying to be enough, Allen unpacks passages from John that show that only Jesus is enough, and only by leaning into and pursuing Him can we have enough to fulfill our callings. With heart piercing questions at the end of each chapter, as well as a discussion guide at the end of the book, this would make for great individual or corporate study. Being convicted is not comfortable, but man, try as hard as you might, I don't think you'll get away reading Allen's book without a good dose of it, and in the best Jesus-way possible!

128) 
The Homemade Pantry: 101 Foods You Can Stop Buying and Start Making by Alana Chermila—I enjoyed this cookbook! Part food memoir, part pantry staple guide, this book includes 11 "aisles" of recipes, explaining how to make everything from the basics to Twinkies from scratch. The author makes a small nod to cooking at home being healthier, but otherwise writes of it as a habit of life. As she writes in her concluding chapter, “Food is always about so much more than food itself—so many aspects of how we live are expressed on our plates.” While I think that there are times and places for packaged and prepared foods, I agree that eating food made at home is generally more enjoyable, and this cookbook could help make that a reality for more and more people. 

129) Bomb Shelter: Love, Time, and Other Explosives by Mary Laura Philpott—I’m not really sure how I got to this book. Maybe a social media post? Maybe a podcast? The title drew me in. I like books about life and all of its struggles. This book was a struggle for me to read, though. Philpott is an excellent essayist/memoirist. I related to some of what she shares about life and worry and love. I appreciate her empathy for humanity. Her writing, however, falls flat for me. The greatest meaning she finds in life is love, which is great, but without everlasting love, meaningless. She swears sometimes, which bugged me. I wanted to like this book, really, I did (which is partly why I finished it). I think I’ll wait for more from my favorite Christian memoirist, Shauna Niequist, than read more from this author.

130) 
The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Kate Bowler—This is another gem of a book from anti-prosperity gospel, Duke Divinity School professor, podcaster, and cancer survivor Kate Bowler. Each of the 100 blessings she writes acknowledge the "hard" of life while encouraging searching for God in the midst of them. Outside of a few uses of swear words, the blessings resonated with me greatly. As a bonus, the book contains plans for Lent and Advent reading. This book is a keeper! Get it today!

131) On the Burning Edge by Kyle Dickman—Nineteen hotshots died in Yarnell, Arizona June 30, 2013 in one of the worst firefighting disasters to date. What went into their deaths is more than meets the eye, as is the formation of the unit and the dynamics in it. Following the crew from its inception to its demise, this book narrates intimate details of each hotshot's life, as well as perspectives on the tragedy that occurred. Based on interviews with family members of the deceased, a month's long stint in Prescott, and extensive research, this is a fact-checked AND captivating story. Think Unbroken, firefighting style. If you live in or around Arizona and know of this tragedy, read for perspective. If not, it is still a thought-provoking, even if tragic, read about camaraderie, fires, the state of the forests, and firefighting.

132) 
My Lost Brothers by Brendan McDonough with Stephan TaltyThis is the story of Brendan McDonough, aka Donut, the lone survivor of the fire that took nineteen Granite Mountain hotshots. In is own words, McDonough tells his story, or growing up fatherless in California, of doing and selling drugs in and after high school, and of becoming a hot shot as a last ditch effort to save himself. He writes of how the hot shots became his family. He tells how Eric Marsh helped him learn to control his anger, and how other men on the team taught him to be a good father. He implicates no one in the tragic turn of events that took the lives of his “substitute family.” Rather, he writes of the survivor’s guilt that plagued him, of believing he had to do it all, of the lawsuits that prevented him from talking, and of the emptiness and thoughts of suicide. Hot shotting had saved him from it once, and only a therapist who saw him in a bar and arranged for him to go to therapy saved him from it again. In his conclusion, McDonough acknowledges that hot shotting is a dangerous profession. He shares ideas to make it safer, like giving hot shots GPS locators, increasing resources to fight fires (eg airplanes and helicopters), and the formation of a wildland firefighter’s union. These things haven’t happened, but he hopes they will, in memory of his brothers, and the others like them who have also lost their lives trying to save the lies and livelihoods of others.

133) Little Girl Blue: The Life of Karen Carpenter by Randy L SchmidtWhile I am not a fan of Karen Carpenter, my dad was, and after hearing a series of podcasts about Carpenter's life on the podcast, You're Wrong About, I decided to read this book. An intense study of Karen's life, from the early years, to her tragic early death, this book unveils both her talent, and her pain; her desire for true love and quest for it, and ultimate failure to find it. It uncovers her long struggle with anorexia nervosa, first discussed as Irritable Bowel Disease, and later developing into full-fledged purging anorexia, with a use of laxatives that is thought to have ultimately lead to poisoning her to death. This book is both a tribute to Karen Carpenter and a warning, a warning to love those close to you, and to express that care before it is too late. Many seem to think Karen could have lived had the care and love she craved come sooner. Perhaps that is an oversimplification. Perhaps not. We will never know.

134)
Savor: Living Abundant As You Are, Where You Are by Shauna NiequiestI read this devotional once before, and this year, my husband and I read through it together, cooking the recipes in the book as well. Upon second reading, I have to say that the devotional strike me just as deeply. I do need to slow down and savor life. As for the application of the devotionals, I realize now that they are more female oriented. (Sorry, husband!) Some of the recipes are a bit gourmet, but we adapted them and enjoyed them as they were.

135) The BibleI can't really write a review for this one, other than to say that it is God's Word and worth reading and studying. Once again, I used the One Year Bible plan for my reading. It really works for me. I especially appreciate the online links for reading when I am traveling and might not have my actual paper Bible with me.

Saturday, December 30, 2023

The Crystallized Moments of 2023

Another year, and another year of months, days, weeks, hours, minutes, and moments. These are a few of the memories that have crystallized for me, burning into my memory in lasting, meaningful ways:

That feeling of floating running the Mesa Marathon 10K (I never imagined I could run that fast!)


Touring Coronado Island outside San Diego (wonder and awe)


The finish line after The Fresh 15 15K (the love of the family with me)



Porch sitting (both in the Spring and the Fall; a place of peace)


Watching the Monarch butterfly exhibit at the ASU Mix Center (and just being still)


Dinner with my little brother (Being adults and getting along is so much fun!)


Standing with my mom AND my dad after the Patriot Run to take photos (After the medical 
issues my dad experienced this year, I did not know if this would ever happen again.)


Meeting Ashley LeMieux


Looking over Tempe from the Coca-Cola sundeck (after a little bit of a rough start to that date)


My four and a half year old niece asking me to run with her at the playground


Coffee with a college friend



A healthy Christmas at home


Popping in to surprise my best friend and meet her baby



Spending some time with my Granddad



Here's to another year of memories, and savoring all that God has for us!

Friday, December 29, 2023

Recent Things I've Learned About Running


Running has looked quite different for me recently. Yes, I ran quite a few races this year. The 15K in March was my longest since my one and only half marathon. The changes, though, have been more behind this scenes. Listening to podcasts and reading about running have become taken second and third places behind my running, and as I result, I have changed some things. Here's a bit of what I have learned in order to run better, (and more enjoyably!):

Running fasted is not faster. Fuel makes all the difference.

It takes 20-30 minutes for fuel to reach the bloodstream, so fuel early, and fuel often (Featherstun, n.d.a)!

(But you can eat [graham crackers (Featherstun, n.d. b); poptarts (Wingeroth, 2022) etc.) and run out the door. The energy will just set in later.)

The body prefers to run off carbs (Featherstun, 2022).

Protein is best used for hypertrophy when eaten in the morning (Hubermann, n.d.)

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Running shoes are worth the investment.

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Body heat affects performance (Thermohuman, 2022). Drinking cold water/dumping water on you can increase performance in the heat.

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Decreasing HRV can mean overtraining (Couzens, n.d.). (I get this data from my Apple watch and sometimes use it to determine if the day is better for a speed workout, steady state training, or a long run).

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Good running form engages the core (Martin, 2023).

Polarized training is better (80/20 running) (Fitzgerald, n.d.).

Strength training matters (Martin, 2023). Strength train after running for endurance, before running for strength.

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Stretch, stretch, stretch.

Foam rolling helps greatly with recovery (How to Run Guide, 2018).

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Running is a privilege. To learn how to do it better is immense privilege. Thank you, Jesus, for these resources!

References:

Cozens, A. (n.d.) How monitoring your heart rate variability helps you avoid overtraining. Training Peaks. https://www.trainingpeaks.com/blog/how-monitoring-your-heart-rate-variability-helps-you-avoid-overtraining/

Featherstun, M. (n.d. a) Fueling for race day. Featherstone Nutrition. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/fueling-for-race-day/

Featherstun, M. (n.d. b) The graham slam. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/fueling-for-race-day/ https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/the-graham-slam/

Featherstun, M. (2022, September 26). Featherstone Nutrition. Why you need to stop being scared of carbs. https://www.featherstonenutrition.com/why-you-need-to-stop-being-scared-of-carbs/

Fitzgerald, M. (n.d.). Understanding your 80/20 run plan. 80/20 Endurance. https://www.8020endurance.com/understanding-your-8020-run-plan/

How to Run Guide. (2018, July 22). The complete guide to foam rolling for runners. https://howtorunguide.com/foam-rolling-for-runners/

Huberman, A. (n.d.) Why is protein good in the AM? Dexa. https://dexa.ai/huberman/?q=why+is+protein+good+in+the+AM

Martin, H. (2023, January 4). How to unlock proper core engagement for running. The Run Experience. https://therunexperience.com/proper-core-engagement-for-running/

Martin, H. (2023, February 7). How to combine running and weightlifting for optimal results. The Run Experience. https://therunexperience.com/how-to-combine-running-and-weightlifting-for-optimal-results/

Thermohuman. (2022, November 30). Negative effects of heat on performance, what can we do to avoid them? https://thermohuman.com/2022/11/30/negative-effects-of-heat-on-performance-what-can-we-do-to-avoid-them/

Wingeroth, L. (2022, September 2022). Why this RD says Pop-Tarts are the ideal pre-run fuel. Well + Good. https://www.wellandgood.com/pop-tarts-pre-workout/

Thursday, December 28, 2023

Things I Learned in the Kitchen This Year

Another year of cooking...a year I didn't do Sally's Baking Challenges. (She paused publishing them as she worked on other things.) What I did do was try to cook more from cookbooks. I finished cooking through the recipes in the Savor devotional, and that's about it. I did make a further dent into the recipes from Easy Vegetarian Slow Cooker, The Instant Pot Electric Pressure Cookbook, and Rise and Run. Hubby made a few recipes from Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook. While cooking from these cookbooks did increase our food variety and enjoyment, so did earning a few tips and tricks about cooking overall.

About Baking:

A little bit of baking soda goes a long way, and an acid is necessary to combat the bitter taste. Adding 1/2 t of cider vinegar to my mug cakes has made all the difference!

I still haven't mastered yeasted breads....

About Burritos:

The George Foreman grill excellently crisps the outside while warming the filling inside. No more soggy microwave burritos or need to turn on the oven when its 118 outside!

About Grilled Cheese:

Put grilled cheese toppings between the cheese to avoid sogginess.

Mayonnaise instead of butter can be great for browning grilled cheese.

About Tea:

The greatest lesson I learn--remove the tea bag from the water after steeping! I've always left it in, but apparently it leaves for bitter tea. New level, unlocked!

Rooibos needs five minutes to steep in boiling water.

Green tea steeps in almost boiling water for three minutes.

About the toaster oven:

Turn it up to 450 degrees and roast veggies in there. Even make French fries. No need for an air fryer if you make small batches.

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Any tips or tricks you learned this year? Please share in the comments section!


Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Top Ten of 2023

It's time for the yearly wrap up! Here are my top nine Instagram posts:

And my top ten blog posts (as viewed on Facebook, where most people seem to prefer to read):

1. Everything I Read in October

2. Everything I Read in March

3. Pumpkin Pie Baked Oatmeal

4. How to Motivate Yourself to Read Scripture

5. Why Not Covenant Marriage?

6. Fresh 15K Race-Cation

7. Grace

8. Real Life Marriage: Let Him Dream

9. Afghan 75

10. Real Life Marriage: The Value of the Word

I am surprised how many views my reading wrap ups got. I guess you all like them? If so, please let me know so I can do more in 2024!


Tuesday, December 26, 2023

2023 Food Trends

Time for all the yearly round up posts! We will start with this one: things we ate. In the past, we engaged in food trends for an entire year (or years, in the case of tacos!) This year, was more of a seasonal year. 

We did burritos most Tuesdays (but not a new recipe every week-30 new recipes):



After our Wisconsin cheese fest, lots of grilled cheese and quesadillas (34 new recipes):



Plenty of muffins (More than a recipe a week-69 new recipes), 



And then lots more mug cakes (More than one a day-424 and counting). 


Orange mug cake (Veltessa)

It's been a good food year. Praise the Lord for His provision!

Sunday, December 24, 2023

2023 Christmas Movies

The other day, Dad asked me how many Christmas movies we've watched this year. Well, only eight so far, but we've (well, maybe I should speak for myself, I've) had a blast doing so. To honor the corniness of these movies' Christmas cheer, I'm sharing some reviews and marvelous memes I made below: 

The Christmas Cabin
Seth Walker wants to buy out Sammy Whetly’s share of her family cabin. Sammy knows nothing about Seth’s family owning any part of the homestead, and she’s not having it. When Seth gets snowed in, Sammy decides to let him have half (but only half) of the cabin. Complete with mediocre cinematography, bad acting, and a stilted storyline, this is definitely a dumb Christmas movie. With some beautiful snowy scenes and festive music, its best use is probably as a background movie to set a Christmas stage.



The Christmas Calendar—Lawyer Emily returns home to run the family bakery after her grandmother's death. Just before Christmas, a mysterious advent calendar arrives, along with neighborhood competition for her bakery. One is good for business, and one is not! With a few twists and turns and just a little bit of magic, these is a cliché and cheesy, yet charming Christmas movie that sets itself apart from the normal rom-coms of the Christmas calendar.


Christmas on Holly LaneThe house on Holly Lane is home to Sarah, as well as to her friends Cat and Riley, who grew up in less than the best of circumstances. Now, the three reunite in less than the best of circumstances, to relive memories, decorate the house, and perhaps, to heal. Though I did not enjoy the divorce elements of the struggles these women face, their stories of friendship and finding love are sweet. As a bonus, this movie has some B roll of Prescott, Arizona!


Christmas in Paris
—Lucas goes to Montana to finish up a business deal, or so he thinks. Robin, the creative director, is all about business, that is, until she realizes she needs to know her clients to do her best for them. She attempts to get to know Lucas, but when she gets too close, he pushes her way. There is a lot of jetsetting in this movie, and some time in Paris, but mostly time spent understanding that assumptions ruin relationships, and that reconciliation and forgiveness save the day. This is a Christmas movie with a message I can get behind, even if the French accents and falling in love right away aspects of the film seem a little cheesy.





The Christmas Venue—Cait Miller heads back home to her father's bed and breakfast for the holidays. In the midst of a job search and after a breakup, she needs a bit of a respite. Sadly, she finds the inn in a state of disrepair, and completely undecorated for Christmas. Determined to change things, she hatches a plan to save the inn. Thrown together, the plan has some huge holes, especially the part about being married to handyman Drew. The movie is a bit like Cait's plan: thrown together with some poor quality acting and questionable characters. Still, values like honesty, love, and truth ring out. This movie is a good clean venue for talking about what really matters at Christmas, and it is certainly not Christmas extravagance!



Hats Off to ChristmasAnother great Christmas movie with the illustrious Haylie Duff! Duff plays Mia Winters, a decade-long employee at the Hat's Off Christmas store, and single mom to son Scotty, who has special needs. She is trying to do everything right, hoping for a promotion, only to essentially get demoted. She tries to guard her heart, but struggles not to hope too much, or too little. Her son Sammy has more faith in humanity than she does! Yes, my husband predicted the conclusion of this movie from the beginning, but it was a really sweet tale, one that left me a little teary at the end. Besides company CEO Michael Bowers, the actors are even believable! Hats off to the makers of this film. I highly recommend it!


Hotel for the Holidays—Hotel manager Georgia dreams of becoming an executive director, not at her own hotel, but at a new, modern hotel. She realizes her dream when a handsome prince agrees to invest in her endeavors, but in the meantime, life circumstances reveal to her what really matters. The people at the hotel are her family, and what makes the hotel home. With several subplot lines that reveal the same, this is a sweet movie about what really matters at Christmas: friends, family, and love (excluding the unneeded nod to and endorsement of a homosexual relationship).




A Perfect Christmas PairingGrace is an Atlanta chef trying to earn a Michelin star, but she botched it. Asher is home from a travel stint, and they run into each other at the bed and breakfast/winery of Grace's aunt and uncle. At first, they are at odds, but maybe they can help each other find what really matters. This is a cute movie with fairly good acting, and a perfect dose of Christmas romance. Although alcohol (wine) is present in the movie, there is no debauchery associated, so I can wholeheartedly recommend this one!




May your holidays be as kitschy as you want them to be, very merry, and very enjoyable.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

I'm Tired of the Have-To's.

Consumerism thrives off telling people they need things, or have to do things. I try not to give in to believing I have to buy things. I try to buy only things I need or want. Lately, though I find myself falling prey to a different form of consumerism: the have-to's.

I have somewhat of an obsessive tendency to my personality (not surprising, given my bent towards perfectionism). Lately, I've been noticing how much that manifests in the have-to's. I feel like I "have-to" scroll my Instagram feed until I see the check mark showing that I have read all the posts. I feel like I have to complete the DuoLingo challenges each month. I feel like I should keep up with cooking challenges. I once started. Why? Continuing these things is not filling my life with purpose or joy. It is just keeping me busy, tired, stretched, and stressed. 

I know the New Year is coming, and with it plenty of "challenges." I have already gotten e-mails about the Yoga with Adriene challenge. I know Nourish Move Love will offer a new year challenge. I have enjoyed both of these in the past, but do I really want to do them this year? Will they add to my life, or subtract? Will they help me live in the present, or just rush and stress me? Honestly, I am not sure, but I want to consider before committing. I'm tired of the have-tos.

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What about you, friends? Any have-to's you've succumbed to? What are your priorities for the new year? What have-to's might you set aside to truly be present? Please share in the comments section.


Monday, December 18, 2023

Immanuel, God With Us

I am not trying to be a Scrooge, but this really is not the "most wonderful time of the year." People are struggling. People are hurting. People are grieving. This is true throughout the year, but somehow, I think we expect those things to disappear around the holidays. Or, we expect the holiday joy to eclipse our pain and sorrow and grief. No and no. It's all here. Sometimes the joy and cheer actually seem to accentuate the pain, and it hurts. Sometimes it is even devastating.

So what is the hope of this season? Jesus. Despite all the pretty nativity scenes, Jesus coming to earth was not pretty. His conception was a scandal. Because of Him, His mother risked losing her betrothed beloved. His earthly father risked shame and humiliation. His parents were on a long and probably dirty journey when he was born. When that happened, Jesus endured separation from God the Father. He experienced the imperfections of earth for the first time. He started on His long journey to the cross.

Jesus gets it. He experienced the joys of the earth, and the sorrows. His birth is both a celebration and a sorrow.  As we go through this season, with its highs and lows, we can rely on Immanuel, God with us, to be with us through the highs and lows. We can rely on His presence. We can rely on His comfort. We can rely on His peace. He is with us. Always. Praise Him!

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

Cranberry Relish Mug Cake

Got cranberry relish left over from Thanksgiving? Or maybe you're planning to make some for Christmas? (I'm talking about the ground up fruit stuff, not that gelatinous stuff that comes from a can--though it might work if you blended it. I don't know. I haven't tried.) Then make this delicious mug cake! With minimal ingredients, its comes together in a flash, cooks in the microwave, and is all yours!

Ingredients:

Directions:


1. In a microwave safe mug, whisk together the wet ingredients.
2. Whisk together the flour and baking powder and add into the mug.
3. Stir to combine.
4. Cook for 1-1.5 minutes in the microwave. (This mug took 1.5 minutes in my microwave.)

Loosely adapted from this cranberry mug cake from Jim's Kitsch Kitchen


Sunday, December 10, 2023

Real Life Marriage: In Sickness and In Health (A Reprise)


I hate sickness. I really do. I am somewhat of a germaphobe, and when people around me are sick, I freak Like obsess over when I am going to get sick, clean every door knob and light switch with Lysol, etc. But what do I do when my spouse is sick? I cannot exactly avoid him like the plague. As a wife, it is my job to help care for him. And since we live in a small condo, I really cannot avoid him.

I am usually the weaker link in our relationship. With my dystonia and other health issues, I am usually the one going down. Twice last year, though, my husband has been the one to go down, and with very contagious illnesses. First it was COVID, and then the stomach flu? What to do?

I tried to keep my distance with COVID, but who was I kidding? That stuff is super contagious! I made it through a trip to the store for all things cough-related, but sure enough, three days later, it hit. Bummer. Not the way we planned to spend time off together, but at least we were together. Thankfully, our cases were light and we just laid on the couch for a few days watching Christmas movies while we recovered.

Then it was the stomach flu. Neither of us have thrown up in years, but he picked up the bug somewhere, and yuck. It was terrible! Thankfully he could get himself to the bathroom and back, but was I really going to refuse to get him cool rags and fluids and blankets when he got shivering cold? I did disinfect a lot, and I washed my hands a lot, but that was all I could do.

The Lord did spare me from the stomach flu, and I am oh, so thankful. Having the tables turned on illness in our home, though, was good for me. It forced me to rely on the Lord and His strength. It reminded me how much I enjoy doing life with my husband, and how much I appreciate him being healthy enough to do so. As I was reading WayMaker by Ann Voskamp (2022) during this time, it reminded me that struggle can make us stronger. Struggle is not something I would choose, but it is something God can use. 

"In sickness and in health." These were my vows. For the first part of our marriage, they were more about my husband than me. Now they have been more about him. Marriage has times and seasons. These are ours. To God be the glory!

Reference:

Voskamp, A. (2022). WayMaker: Finding the life you've always dreamed of. Thomas Nelson

Friday, December 8, 2023

Control and Influence in Marriage

It's not a secret that I struggle with control. I think it's part of sin nature. It's part of struggling with anxiety, and being a perfectionist. I want control, and I don't. I want to control money, time, etc. I want the feelings of safety that I think control over these things will bring me, but not the responsibility. Lately, I have realized that I want control over my husband, but don't want his role as leader of our home. It's a dicey situation.

I never consciously realized that I was wanting to control my husband until I read a devotional that really hit me. The author writes, "marriage is a partnership and not about finding ways to control each other" (Chamberlain, 2022, p. 34). I always try to give my husband choices when I ask him to do things, but the reality is that I often want him to do the things my way. Sometimes, I might even get a little passive aggressive in the ways that I try to motivate him to do things my way. Yikes! Do I see myself as a partner, or as a controller?

I have come to the conclusion that I have no control over my marriage. My husband is my husband and he controls himself. He is accountable to God for Himself (just as I am), and for us as a couple. That is a part of control that I do not want. God does not want me to control my husband, either. He wants me to "surrender my marriage to him....Instead of fighting for control, it's time to lay [marriage] at the feet of Jesus" (Chamberlain, 2022, p. 35). Hard but good words.

Does this mean I absolutely have no care for what my husband does? No. I may not have control, but as a wife, God has given me influence. As Todd Henry (n.d.) writes, "influence is about care, but control is about self-interest." I do care for my husband. I love him. I want good things for him. I need to care for him, not try to control him if this is the case, though. Similarly, Dr. Mike Brooks (2006) writes that "our leverage to influence others is directly proportional to how positive our relationship is with them." Control lead to conflict. Influence leads to having a voice, and perhaps even receiving a listening ear. That is the best I can ask for since control is but an illusion.

I must confess that I have not completely moved away from my attempts to control my husband. Unfortunately, a lot of them are learned habits. Now that I am aware of this area for growth in my life, though, I can work on it. I can surrender my husband to Jesus and trust Jesus to work on and TAKE CARE of my husband...and me for that matter. To God be the glory!

References:

Brooks, M. (2006, September 4). Control vs. influence. Dr. Mike Brooks. https://www.drmikebrooks.com/control-vs-influence/ Chamberlain, T. (2022). A Christian marriage book – 52-week devotional for wives: Prayers and reflections for a God-centered marriage. Rockridge Press.

Henry, T. (n.d.) Aim for influence, not control. Accidental Creative. https://accidentalcreative.com/articles/leadership/aim-for-influence-not-control/

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

Getting Present Requires Grief.


After all the lessons I have already learned about grief, I think I learned another one: Getting present requires grief. It's not necessarily profound. It's not necessarily deep, but it's meaningful.

I think this lesson came to me after talking to my therapist about getting into a funk when things don't go my way. I don't want to be upset. I don't want to be mean to my husband. I don't want to have a bad rest of the day. I just can't seem to get over my "bad" (unwanted) feelings. That was when she said to me, "Maybe you just need to take a minute to two to grieve." It's not a big grief, but it's a grief when things don't go my way, when expectations die. Maybe they need their moment.

As I started practicing what she told me, I started to realize how often I am not in the moment because I haven't grieved. I'm holding on to what I thought would happen. I'm clinging to past memories. I'm clinging to past hurts. I'm not here because I'm there. I'm not here because there didn't happen. What if I took a moment to just grieve that and let it go?

I'm not good at grieving. I never have been. Life continues to teach me to do so, though. God continues to teach me. As the Heavenly Father, he went through the ultimate grief of losing his beloved Son, so I am sure He gets it. He is here with me, if I grieve, and if I don't He is with me too. I just might not recognize his Presence if I'm not present. 

Sunday, December 3, 2023

The Best Day

Sometimes I have a day I didn't know I needed. Saturday was that day.

As I headed out the door for my long run, the tag I put to help differentiate shoes caught my eye. "Live joyfully," it said. I thought, "Yes, that's what I want to do this season." Whether it was a Holy Spirit conviction, an intention (or both), I thought, "It's going to be a good day."


We had breakfast a little late, but my husband fixed pancakes. I REALLY like pancakes, so I could not complain. After breakfast, we chatted about priorities and ordered our Christmas cards. Then we headed out for shopping.


It takes a little bit to get from place to place in the city, but it felt like we had time. I tried on about four pairs of shoes at Big 5 Sporting Goods before picking a pair. With a coupon, they only cost $16. Woohoo! For walking/work shoes, these should do me just fine.

Walmart was crowded, but with my husband pushing the cart, it felt less arduous. We scored some things we needed (like shoe insoles $5 off because my mom gave me a coupon and another pair discounted for torn packaging) and some we didn't (sparkly nail polish and Christmas pajamas). We bought some gifts to contribute to a family in need. We considered more Christmas lights for our home (but ultimately decided to wait on them). We looked for some things we did not find, but they did not feel too urgent.


We came home in time for me to balance the budget and throw lunch together. I napped. We sat by the Christmas tree and crocheted and knit. I cooked a few things and we ate a dinner I made yesterday. We put together our gingerbread kit. It was a chill day, but a good day.


Sure, some things went wrong on Saturday. My husband and I started to get a little frustrated with other during our morning chat. We had to go back and forth across Walmart several times because we forgot things. Our Christmas card order was not ready. There were some sketchy people in the store. My husband's anticipated Amazon package didn't ever come to our house. We spent the day together, though. Chores did not weigh heavily. We had margin. We enjoyed our home. We enjoyed being together.

While not a momentous day, Saturday was a good day, a simple day, a sustaining day. Sometimes I look for big events for best days, but maybe best days are more about the small things, the little things, the time together that cements forever. Praise God for proof of that in Saturday.