What's Going Right?

Last week was very difficult for me, professionally and personally. I had several rough nights of sleep, days where I didn't have time to sit down and eat (and had to eat packaged foods in the car or on the run), and news about ongoing health issues that I didn't want to hear. One thing that kept me going in the midst of this was a practice of gratitude. This wasn't my idea, per se. I think it came from the Spirit.

On even the hardest days, I kept having the urge to ask myself, "What's going right?" And somehow, there was always something. In my One Year Bible audio readings Wednesday or Thursday, the commentary said, "Think to Thank. Pause to Pray." Those phrases confirmed the importance of my daily habit of gratitude. 

Sometimes I have to think really hard to find reasons to give thanks. And that's okay. Because sometimes life is really hard. But when I practice gratitude even on those hard days, I entrench a way of thought. I build my gratitude muscles, making my practice easier to sustain in the long run.

Gratitude isn't easy, but it's necessary, especially for me as a Christ-follower. The sermon from 1 Thessalonians 1:2-4 at church on Sunday said just that. I can't expect everyone in the world to give thanks, but because I believe in Jesus as the Savior who died for my sins to give me life, I do ALWAYS have reason for thanksgiving.

Friends, what's going right for you today? Please share below in the comments section so that we can have a virtual gratitude gathering.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post. 

Synonyms for Shame

I recently finished I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown (2007). It's a book about shame and how it affects our society. (Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging....Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection" (p. 30). It's definitely informed the way I think about some things, for example how I view my words. 

Case in point, when I say, "I've had a crappy day," I'm not usually saying that there's literally been poop all over my day. I'm saying my day's been bad. I'm saying I'm tired. I'm saying the day I've had feels disconnected from the life I'd like to live. I'm usually sending a signal that I either need love and acceptance and belonging.

A second example is when I say, "I feel crappy. " Sometimes I say that because I have stomach ailments. But most of the time it's because I feel self-conscious, run down, disconnected from myself and from others. I feel afraid. I feel ashamed. It just seems more socially acceptable to say the word "crappy." (Note that I didn't say socially correct.)

My own experience with synonyms for shame make me wonder what other code words are out there. And it makes me ask why we're so afraid of saying we're ashamed. Is it because we're guilty and don't want to change our behavior? Is it because in this culture of rampant individuality and self-seeking we don't want to be vulnerable and acknowledge that we don't have it all together? I don't know. I just know that using synonyms for what I'm really feeling isn't really honest or authentic or real. So now that I know how shame presents itself, maybe I need to call it out, and call it what it is.

Friends, do you use synonyms for shame? If yes, what words do you use? Please share below.

Reach Towards Jesus

"But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.'"

~Matthew 14:27

So many times when life is hard, I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the train to hit me. I become frustrated and scared and hopeless. Jesus' disciples probably felt like that way in this story. It was late. The seas were windy. And now they thought there was a ghost. They weren't looking for Jesus to come out to them, even though Jesus had just miraculously fed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fishes.

All too often, when things are hard, I sit in my puddle and cry. I squat down in the middle of the railroad tracks (speaking metaphorically, here). I'm not watching or waiting or looking for God to work. That's wrong.

God is my Savior (Luke 2:11), my Defender (Psalm 68:5), my Wonderful Counselor (Isa 9:6), my Helper (John 14:16). He's on my side (Rom 8:31), so I should be watching and waiting for Him, always, but especially when life is hard. Jesus is the only one who can give me courage that lasts. He's the only one who can make a way where there seems to be no way. He's the only one who can truly quiet my fears. He's the only one who can really solve my problems in an eternal sense. But if I'm going to see His way, I've got to look towards Him. I've got to tune my ears towards His voice. I've got to remember what He's done in the past and look towards what He wants me to do in the future. That's the only way I can walk out on the stormy seas of life. That's the way I reach towards Jesus.

Grace in a Broken Cup

I broke Dad's favorite coffee cup, like the one he uses every day. It was an accident! I'd washed the cup and left it drying on a tine of the dish rack. When I tried to pull it off to put it away, it slipped out of my hands and fell into the cast iron sink. Voila! The cup went into two large pieces and a thousand tiny shards.

When I told Dad what I'd done, he was like, "The cup I use every day?"

I was like, "Yeah, the black one."

"Oh well." That was all he said. He could condemned me, gotten upset, berated me, or even asked me to replace the cup (which I later did, because I wanted to), but he didn't. He let it go.

I, on the other hand, had a hard time letting go. I questioned what I could have and should have done differently. I was tired and exhausted and needed to go to bed, but found myself wanting to do penance. I wanted to order a new cup right then, or read extra Bible verses, or somehow otherwise punish myself. But I realized I had a choice. I could beat myself up or forgive myself. I could move on, or or I could stay stuck. I chose to move on.

I took my shower that night, read the newspaper, ate my snack, and went to bed as per usual routine. I woke up the next morning and ordered a new cup that not coincidentally said on it, "Best Dad Ever." And life went on.

Being shown grace necessitates that I show it to others, even to myself. Dad's grace wouldn't have done much good had I not it to myself. And I wouldn't know grace had I no need for it. Perhaps grace flows best through broken vessels.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post. 

I Thought It Was Just Me (Book Review)

I've been able to define the difference between shame and guilt for some time. Shame means I am something bad. Guilt means I did something bad. Brene Brown gives a larger context to shame in her book, I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), however. She explains that shame disconnects us from our basic human need for acceptance and belonging. It forces us far away from our true selves, and the support we need from others to embrace our true selves. Brown's style in this book is definitely more scholarly than in some of her later writings, but her research is worth reading. In her book she explores not only the definition of shame, but ways that shame manifests in our culture, and ways that we can build shame resilience. Brene challenges readers to cultivate “ordinary change” in order to combat the shame culture, and I think that's something we all can do. Life isn't just about me. It's about others, too.

Any other Brene Brown fans out there? Have you read this book? Please comment below.

When God Doesn't Deliver

"All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, 'If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt?'"

~Numbers 14:2-3

When God led the Israelites out of Egypt, he delivered them from slavery and bondage. He didn't take them to ivory palaces with luscious food, however. He delivered them into the desert, where they had only manna and water to eat. God had to provide the manna and water at that. And the people complained. This wasn't the deliverance they'd hoped for.

I can judge the complaining of the Israelites, but really, I'm just like them. When I pray, I want God to answer on my terms. I want redemption to be easy and enjoyable, but most of the time it's hard. God gives me rest by allowing me to get sick. God saves me from an accident by allowing me to run late. God heals the ill, but does so by bringing them to His perfect dwelling in heaven. I'll never forget desperately praying for the release of Martin Burnham from Filipino militants only for him to be shot and killed in a rescue attempt. God delivered Martin, but to His heavenly kingdom, not to an earthly dwelling. God's responses to prayers aren't predictable, because they're not human.

When I pray for deliverance and God doesn't answer like I want Him to, I often feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. I'm hurt, tired, disappointed, exhausted. But I wonder if the desert if part of God's answer, for in the desert, I am forced to rely on God. I am forced to accept what He provides. I can't do anything on my own. (I can't do anything on my own anyway. I just delude myself.) 

Lysa TerKeurst writes in her book Unglued, “When circumstances of life leak you dry, see this emptiness as an opportunity. Instead of reacting out of emptiness, choose to see emptiness as the perfect spot for grace to grow” (p. 186). So what if, instead of complaining about the way God delivers me, I praise Him for doing it? What if I see the desert as a place of opportunity, a place where I have the privilege of seeing God work in my life in new ways? What if I thank God that He answers my prayers, even if it's not with what I expect or want? It might help me remember that God doesn't deliver according to what I think is best, but according to what He knows will work out for my good and for His glory.

Feeling the Feels

"No pain, no gain." I think that's the way of authentic living. But man, does it hurt.

I'd venture to say that these fast few years have been some of the hardest and most painful I've had. Why? It's not necessarily because the worst things in the world have happened to me, but because I've actually felt the grief associated with church changes, the fear associated with family struggles, and the terrible sadness associated with world tragedies. I now work in a career where I have to feel the feels all the time in order to be present, and it's an exhausting and hard task.

In the past, I used to think that strength was forcing down the feelings and keeping on. Now I think it's feeling the feels, being honest about them, and choosing to go on. And although I don't like it, I think I'd make the argument that feeling the hard stuff, voicing it, and figuring out how to acknowledge it and integrate it into my life experience is actually what makes me stronger. But it's still no fun.

Nikita Gill wrote, "Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.” When wounds bleed, the blood washes away toxins and brings fresh oxygen to help the wound heal. I think it's the same when I feel the pain of suffering. I can actually learn from it and let it go. This new ways of living feels dangerous, but no good things or important lessons seem to come easy....

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

Unglued (Book Review)

I'm not a voracious reader like my friend, but I'm trying to read more as part of my #bucketlistproject. One of the assignments I gave myself was reading a self-help book. I already had Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst, so I made that my goal. I recently finished it, and here's my word cloud and review:

Bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 ministries Lysa TerKeurst examines emotions and their outflow in her book, Unglued. She approaches emotions from both scientific and spiritual aspects, explaining how both science and faith play into feelings. She explores expectations, corrupt motives, emptiness, stress, lost joy, and the survival mentality as causes for unglued emotions, but also gives grace to women who come unglued. TerKeurst doesn't tout herself as above becoming unglued, either, and instead cites numerous personal stories to show how she, too, struggles with overwhelming emotions. TerKeurst points to unglued emotions as opportunities to learn, to grow, to bring emotions under Jesus' authority, and to make plans that prevent unglued emotions from damaging others. All in all, this is a solid and accessible read. I'd recommend it for any woman, but especially for those who shame themselves for how they feel.

Has anyone else read this book? If yes, what did you learn from it? Please share in the comments section.

More Than An Equation

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps 37:4, New International Version). Ugh. I couldn't help but sigh as I read the verse. It was on my Bible reading plan, so I knew I was supposed to read it, but it still stung. I'd just been out for coffee with a fellow Jesus-seeking woman who wanted to be married, but was still single. As I read, I couldn't help but think of her and my many other Jesus-following women who'd had that verse read over them, but still not found their heart's desire of marriage. 

There are quite a few ways to try to reconcile this verse with my situation and the situation of my fellow single Jesus women:

1) We're following God, but not delighting in Him enough for Him to grant our desires to be married.

2) God will grant out desires to be married, but we just have to wait until that time.

3) God sees that the desires of our hearts are rooted in our need for love, and He fulfills that, so we may or may not get married.

There are truths and fallacies in each of these interpretations. In number one, there is the truth that we are sinners and therefore incapable of perfectly delighting in God (Rom 3:23). But there is also the fallacy that God is a vindicative God, withholding good from us on purpose. That's just not God, because God is love (1 John 4:8). In number two, there is the truth that God asks us to wait on Him (Lam 3:26), but the fallacy that God wants every woman to get married (1 Cor 7). Interpretation three encompasses some of the truths of interpretations one and two, but still fails to encompass the nuances of the verse.

When I read the whole of Scripture, I see a lot about God's divine design. God made Eve to help Adam (Gen 2). God uses marriage as an allegory for His relationship with the church (Eph 5). So marriage can't be bad. But marriage can't be for everyone, either. Paul writes about that repeatedly and Paul was following God from what I can tell in reading the Bible.

God's will isn't as simple as one plus one equals two, either. Scripture says that God uses all things for the good of His children (Rom 8:28). Sometimes God uses hard, painful things for our good and His glory. The Bible says that I don't lack anything good if I'm seeking the Lord (Ps 34:10). The Bible says that God's will is for me to rejoice, pray, and give thanks (1 Thess 5:16-18). Never does the Bible read like a blueprint predicting my future life.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that singleness is a complex issue. Maybe it's a temporary relationship status. Maybe it's permanent. Maybe it's because someone isn't following the Lord, or maybe it's because they are. Maybe it's a hard season of learning. Maybe it's a season of good. Whatever it is, it's not simple.

So please stop reading Psalm 37:4 over me like it's some magical incantation. 
Please acknowledge my singleness and let me feel the pain that often accompanies it in it.
Please stop telling me I don't love God enough.
Please share with me ways that I can pursue God more.
Please don't tell me that if I forget about marriage, it'll come.
Please encourage me that God sees me and hears my cries regardless of my marital state.
Please don't tell me that I'm flawed. (I already know that.)
Please love me as I am.

Please be with me in my singleness. Please encourage me to read the whole of Scripture so that I can become more of who God wants me to be. Please help me learn that following God is more than an equation for getting what I want. Please help me to see that God's ways are higher than mine. That's really what I need right now.

I Cried At Work.

Maybe it's because I was tired. Maybe it's because my buttons got pushed. Maybe I was hungry. I don't totally know why, but I cried at work.

And you know what? I'm not sorry about it. It shows I'm human. I have a heart. I think I handled myself as professionally as I could in the immediate situation. Then I let my tears out with my supervisor. What's more, I cried again when the issue came up again. And I'm going to choose to be okay with it because I feel.

A lot of people think I'm strong and have it all together. I do try to hold it together as much as I can, but ask those closest to me and you'll hear that I fall apart. Like majorly. So as much as this hurt, maybe it's a good thing that I cried at work. It shows that I'm integrating my true self into what I do both inside and outside of my home. I see at as a sign of growth, a sign of moving towards more authentic living, which is what I want, painful as it may be. (See Brene Brown's work for more on vulnerability.)

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

Fresh 15 Race Weekend + Visit to Family

I wrote about my travel oopsies on Monday. Now I'll share about the travel blessings, 15 of them to be exact. See, I had it on my #bucketlistproject to visit my brother and sister-in-law and run a 5K together. Brother suggested the 5K that accompanied the Fresh 15, and I was like, "Okay. Here we go!" There were certainly more blessings than these, but these are my tops:

1) Seeing the sights of everyday life for my brother and sister-in-law.

2) Meeting my cat-niece.

3) Picnic in the park.

(Spinach sweet crisp salad from The Corner Bakery)

4) Target shopping. Brother humored me and I found one shirt, plus a dress I didn't need, but can use for Easter.

5) Home cooked meals by team brother and sister-in-law. (They've got a system!)

6) Finishing the 5K (not my fastest time, but done!)

7) This is only the second 5K for Sister-in-law, and she finished well. I'm pretty stinkin' proud of her!

8) Doubling over in laughter at the silliest of things

9) Sushi + Thai food

10) Catching up with the hostess of my first trip to visit brother in his "real life."

11) Spending plenty of time outside.

(Look at the ponies I saw!)

12) Good old gospel singing and Scripture-preaching at church on Sunday

(I'm the shorty of the family.)

13) Lunch with a soul-friend

(She treated me to shrimp remoulade salad at Newk's.)

14) Long and leisurely naps

15) Overall quality time with people I love

The Travel Diaries of a Dumb Blonde

I don't need to dye my hair. My roots show.

Example #1: I drove down to the airport Thursday night and parked in the same parking lot as last time. I had to park a little further out, but oh well. I have legs. "No worries," I thought. "I'll be fine once I get to the terminal."

At the terminal, I realize, "Oh yeah. This airport has several terminals. Better find the one for my flight." So I find a walkway to the next terminal and take it. Then I realize this is still not the terminal for my airline. I go downstairs and see that this terminal isn't connected to my terminal. I hear a lady telling another flier to take the SkyTram, so I go back upstairs, wait for the trolley, and ride on over to my terminal. I've spent over half an hour walking by this point, and still need to go through security. A little research beforehand or at least reading terminal signs might help me in the future....

Example #2: I open my suitcase and realize that besides church clothes and running clothes, I only brought one shirt. And I don't have a belt for jeans that REQUIRE a belt to wear them. I need pants and more than one shirt for a four day trip. Target wasn't a solution, either. I tried.... Thankfully my sister-in-law is tall enough to have clothes and belts that fit me. Note to self: Make a packing list and double-check your suitcase for appropriate apparel before you go....

The trip went well, praise the Lord! (More on that later.) But I think I need to find a balance between being a perfectionistic planner and throwing all cares to the win. I got blessed this time.