This Mountain

As I drove back from my occupational therapy evaluation, I felt so overwhelmed. The therapist wanted me to come to Phoenix once a week for six weeks. I'd scheduled appointments, but didn't see how they could work. I work full time, or more than full time, after all.

The mile posts flashed by as I sped up the hill back to work. And God brought to mind this quote that I'd seen on Pinterest some time earlier:

I tell people all the time that self-care is important. But do I really practice it? Not really. I like to be self-sufficient and I try to pretty much take care of myself. Needing to go to the doctor so much is quite frankly humbling, and embarrassing, and at the same time probably something I need. It forces me to actually put my actions where my words are, and take care of my health. It requires me to make time for myself and prioritize my well being. This therapy probably won't cure my condition, but it might help, and I have to take the chance.

My diagnosis of dystonia may be a diagnosis that cannot change, but the way I view and take care of myself can. With God's help, the mountain of bulletproof self-sufficiency that has guided my life for so long can be move. In it's place, I hope to make a mountain of faith, hope, and love, a testament to God's faithfulness and not my own.

It's Going to Be Okay.

"It's going to be okay." That is the message that I heard from the Lord the morning I woke up to return home to Arizona after my friend's wedding. I didn't hear an audible voice, but I received a deep seated peace about life. And it's stuck with me.

I'd worried about a lot of things on that trip: travel to and from, doctors' appointments when I got back, singleness, relationships, community, work, housing, vehicles you name it. The travel was fine and I survived the doctors' appointments, but the rest of the stuff hasn't worked itself out yet and it might not. We don't live in a perfect world. I won't lie and say I'm not still worried and stressed, but every time I start to get overwhelmed, I hear the still small voice, "It's going to be okay." I'm clinging to that.

As you know, I'm not a believer in the prosperity gospel. I don't believe that I can name and claim whatever I want and get it from God. But I do believe that God is good. I do believe that His promises are true. I do believe that God is with me. The Bible tells me that I have eternal life in heaven through Jesus. These things don't and won't change.

So it's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

Walking Around These Halls

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

Elevation Worship, "Do It Again"

This hospital corridor is becoming far too familiar. After several years of making the rounds of all the doctors, I've been referred to Barrow Neurological Institute, and after multiple, multiple visits, I've received the prognosis is that my condition is chronic. This dystonia is permanent. As much as that is bad news, it is good news. I can seeking a cause for my condition and just start accepting it. Right now, acceptance looks like physical and occupational therapy. Long term, it looks like living in a new way.

I never thought that I'd have a chronic health condition at age 30. The doctors continue to tell me how "young" I am. I know I'm young and that's why I don't want more botox. But I also accept that I belong to a fallen world and that I am aging and that life will never be perfect.

I have prayed and prayed for my hand condition to go away. I have seen the inside of more doctors office than I can count. And while healing hasn't come, I can testify to this: God hasn't failed me yet. He is God over the halls of the hospital, sovereign within the walls of dystonia, and Lord of my life.

Crazy-busy

"‘Crazy-busy’ is a great armor, it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us."

~Brene Brown

This quote is perhaps another way to explain where I'm at in life. I've been crazy busy for so long. And now, as life slows a bit, all the emotions are hitting me in the face. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I'm angry. I feel sad. And I find myself trying to fill time instead of feeling. I go on more walks. I take on more projects. I try to sleep more. None of these things are necessarily bad, but they're just other ways I keep myself numb. They're ways I stay a human doing instead of a human being.

What I really need right now is to sit with my feelings, to ask God what He is trying to tell me through them. But I don't want to. Admitting my feelings makes me raw and vulnerable and real. And that's not comfortable, or painless. It's pain-full.

I know God made me a feeling creature for a reason. My emotions help me connect to other people. My emotions help me experience the richness of this world God has made. My emotions remind me that God is God and I need to be still and know Him (Ps 46:10).

So here's to letting down the armor a little bit, to feeling the feels, to trying to enjoy life a little more instead of numbing myself with busyness. Jesus, hold me close.

God is Up To Something.

It's been a pretty crummy few weeks. I've struggled with sleep, obsessed about the stupidest things, worried about my health, felt unworthy, gotten overwhelmed, and had decision fatigue. Then I got that flat tire. I may be ridiculous when I say this, but I got the idea that God was about to do something.

I have faced spiritual opposition every time I tried to take action regarding my professional career. I renewed my license the Monday that all this started. I had been praying a lot about some things before that, and then suddenly the importance of those things took a back seat. 

Whether or not I'll get the answer I want about any of those matters, God wants me to pray. And I confess that I let the crumminess of life distract me from that spiritual responsibility.
I went to the occupational therapist and the physical therapist the two days before I had the flat tire. I got super overwhelmed about all they asked and expected of me. And I started thinking about that instead of about loving others, doing good in the world, or praying. And then the flat tire.

The flat tired changed my perspective some. It helped me realize that there is still good in the world. It made me grateful. And it convinced me that I need to persevere.

When God works, Satan works. And God is always working, so Satan is always working. 
Therefore, I am rebuking Satan in Jesus' name and praying to accept what God has for me. I'm not expecting some pie-in-the-sky reward for my faithfulness, but I am looking forward to seeing what God will do, because I know He is up to something.

I Have a Hangover.

No, not that kind of hangover. I don't drink. I have what I'd call "vulnerability hangover*." It's that incredibly confusing and painful state that comes from being so real that it hurts. It's that sensation that you've shared too much, done too much, and want to go back, but can't. I've been extremely vulnerable with myself this weekend, and it's left me feeling overstimulated, overly sensitive and overwhelmed with emotions I can't seem to sort out.

My job requires me to show up and be present with people and their stories each and every day. It's not the kind of job where I can show up and put myself on the shelf. No, I am there in person every day at work, and sometimes, the work is there with me when I leave. I like my job, I really do, but I haven't ever had a job where I've had to be this real, and it's hard. A particular call this past week reminded me of that.

It isn't very often that I go out with people and let loose and really have fun. And I did that this weekend. It reminded me of the value of community and of the importance of activities that really have no extrinsic worth. It was an experience that made me painfully aware that fun and community are seriously lacking in my life.

My parents were out of town this weekend, so schedule and routine were completely up to me. I'm so used to the rhythm of life with my family that decisions like where to sit to do my devotions and what to eat for dinner became overwhelming. I had to really tune in with myself and ask myself what I wanted. And I'm not used to that.

I've lost a lot of myself in my years of moving away from home, getting an education, trying to be perfect, and living an overall inauthentic life. In this process of coming home to Arizona, I'm coming home to myself and feeling the pain of God breaking down the walls of what I have known to make me into who He wants me to be. It's confusing and awkward and strange. 

My life right now is messy and complicated and I'm afraid, but I'm trying to show up. Please be patient with me. I'm in God's workshop and He's not done with me yet.

*I got the term "vulnerability hangover" from Brene Brown, but am using it in a slightly different context here.

My Father's Daughter

I am my father's daughter. We both like red and flannel and good food and car shows. But that's surface level stuff. Ask my mom, and she'll tell you Dad and I fought when I was growing up because we were so much alike in our personalities. 

I've been home two years now and I'm so thankful for the opportunities I have now to really get to know and appreciate my dad more. He's so creative and inventive. He's a hard worker and a leader. He takes really good care of my mom and I. He show me what it looks like to have love and respect from a man. 

But above all else, my dad loves and follows his Heavenly Father, and in part because of him, I am that Father's daughter.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

I love you.

This is How I Roll.

I traveled again this past weekend. This time, I went to Colorado to attend a beloved friend's wedding. The wedding is her story to tell, but I thought I'd share a few other fun (and not so fun) details of the trip.

1) I parked a country mile (1.54 miles, to be exact) from the terminal. It made parking $7 cheaper per day, and I'm cheap.

2) I like to leave early when I go to Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport because I like to walk around all the different terminals. The sky bridges are my favorite.

3) I pack lots of snacks! When I asked if I needed to remove snacks from my bag, the agent asked what I had. "Five granola bars," I said. 

When I pulled out my gallon sized Ziploc bag with the granola bars plus all my other loot, the man in front of me said, "Holy ----, lady, you've got a whole refrigerator in there."

Yep. I don't like to be hungry.

4) I tried "half sour" pickles. They taste like salty cucumbers, not pickles.

5) We waited an hour and a half to get our rental car. An hour and a half, people! The poor rental agents were stressed!

6) Splitting food at restaurants is the best! It reduces costs, leaves room for me to try more fun food, and reduces food waste.

Avalon bison burger at Ted's Montana Grill in Denver.

7) I can't eat spicy food anymore. This loaded breakfast hash with jalapenos was tasty, but it hurt my stomach.

Food from Over Easy

8) I'm directionally challenged, so I took a picture of where I parked to find my car for the way home.

Call me a quirky traveler, but this is how I roll, rolling suitcase and all!

How a Screw and a Flat Tire Reminded Me of the Goodness of God

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

~Psalm 27:13, New International Version

Last Wednesday, on the way back from an early morning physical therapy appointment, I heard what sounded like a tire popping. I catastrophized and thought my car might collapse to the ground, and strand me, but it didn't. So I drove to work and worked out my day. As I went to get in the car (with a kid) to go home, however, a work van waved me down and said, "Do you know your tire is flat?"

I was like, "No."

"Do you have a spare?" They asked.

"Yes," I said and started moving stuff around in my trunk to get at the spare. I got out the spare and the two men changed my tire in under ten minutes. I took the kid home, took myself home, and got Dad to help me make a plan for fixing my tire before I drove to the airport early Saturday morning.

I'd had a pretty overwhelming day that day, but this incident reminded me that life could be worse. I could have gotten stuck on the side of the road between physical therapy and Prescott. I could have tried to drive on my flat tire and damaged the tire rim or my car. I could have had to wait for Dad to come change my tire at work. 

But God in his providence provided two nice men to drive into the work parking lot at just the right time. I knew they were safe because they were in a work van. They were willing to change my tire and didn't ask for compensation. I have reason to believe that God orchestrated this series of events, too, because I said something to the men about the fact that I don't believe in coincidence. The one man replied, "He makes everything happen for a reason." Yes He does!

God is good and there are still good people in the world. "I [do] see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Ps 27:13).

Coming Home

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'”

~Matthew 18:2-3

I made the decision to move back Arizona a little over two years ago. On faith, I decided to pack up and leave, without a job, relationship, or a place of my own to go to. It has been a rough several years, but despite all the twists and turns of life, I feel like I'm finally coming home.

Coming home in a lot of ways looks like becoming a child again. I live with my mom and dad. Little brother was home for awhile. Though Mom and Dad treat me as an adult and respect me, we are once again making family memories over kid things like meals and grocery shopping and hiking.

I am regularly engaging in kid activities in my daily life. I ride bikes with a kid every other week for work. I went kayaking for the first time in 20 years a few Sundays ago. This year, I hung out with horses for the first time since I moved home. I do a lot more art. The things that mattered to me as a kid (and even some that didn't) are suddenly coming back into my life.

My relationship with my body has had its fits and starts, but I feel like I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I've become un-vegetarian since moving home and eat a lot more “fun food” because it's available. I now enjoy pizza most weekends, a favorite “kid food.” I wear yoga pants more than jeans, and that's okay, both with me and with work. Yoga pants/leggings were my favorite attire growing up, and they are becoming so again. Why not wear comfy when I can?

When as a child, I first told Mom what I wanted to do with my life, she told me that she couldn't see me sitting behind a desk. I got a little upset, but she was right. My job has been hard, but I feel like I'm finally starting to own it. I play with kids A LOT, and it's fun. My employer embraces atypical services and that's a good thing for me. Hard as this job may be, I feel like I'm doing what I was designed to do since I was a child: helping people.

Brene Brown writes, “We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” Children generally don't know how to numb. They learn that “skill” as they experience trauma and hardship and disappointment. They start to tune out life as a means of survival. God doesn't want us to live like that. He wants us to live out of faith and trust and a belief that He is good and that there is good in the world created. He wants us to celebrate the good amidst the bad.

I've been “home” for almost two years, but I feel like I'm finally coming home, home to myself and to the person God created me to be. The highs are high and the lows are low, but I am finally feeling them and integrating them into my existence. God is bringing me to a place of more authentic living, to increased reliance and dependence on Him, and that is where I need to dwell. Praise be to Him!

Anxious for Nothing (Book Review)

Anxiety affects the best of us, and MaxLucado's book Anxious for Nothing once again provides soothing words for the soul. Lucado's ideas are not revolutionary, but his reminders are apt and well spoken. There is also a healthy dose of psychoeducation presented, too. Above all else, Lucado focuses readers on God and His ability to guide and provide, even in the midst of life's storms.

Pray. Trust. Give Thanks. These are the disciplines Lucado stresses as antidotes to anxiety. Lucado has plenty of good quotes to remind readers to do the same. Here are a few of my favorites:

If you struggle with anxiety, worrying about the past, present, and future (and often all at once), this is a book for you! It's not condemning. It's comforting, while at the same time challenging. I do have a slightly different take on my approach to anxiety after reading. I need to pray specifically, thank God, and choose to focus on the positive. The quotes shared above (along with others) have already reminded me to do these things, and they will probably continue to do so for the long term.

Name It and Claim It!

We got into a discussion recently at church about the prosperity gospel. This is the idea that following Jesus will make you healthy, wealthy, and prosperous. Partakers in this movement claim that you can name a promise of God and have it. The problem is that the promises named are often taken out of context.

So what are promises of God that we can name and claim? Promises that speak to God's character and God's control. Promises that depend on God, and not on us. Here are a few that I believe we can name, claim, and receive!

God is with me.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

God gives me strength to do what He calls me to do.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

God loves me.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Because of Christ, I am not condemned.

John 3:17
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

1 John 1:9
 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

God saves me by grace, through faith.

Romans 5:1-2a
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. 

Ephesians 2:8-9
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast

1 Timothy 1:14
The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

*All scriptures are from The New International Version.

This list certainly isn't all inclusive, so feel free to share the truths of God you claim in the comments section.

Waiting for What?

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

~Ecclesiastes 3:11

I've been feeling sad lately. Sad over lost expectations. Sad because I feel lonely. Sad because I don't know what is next. I was talking to my mom about how stuck I feel right now, and she told me that she doesn't believe that this season of my life is forever. I don't either, but what's next? I don't know.

I keep reading about waiting and how I need to do it. I know that waiting is a biblical virtue, but it's hard. Especially when I don't know what I'm waiting for. Am I waiting for a house? Am I waiting to get married? Am I waiting to finish my licensure credentials? To find a new community of close friends? To find the "perfect" job? (Though I like my current job). And how long will my wait last? Forever?

Spiritually speaking, I know that I am waiting for forever, for eternal life with Christ in heaven. But that doesn't necessarily make this current life any easier. When I read this verse from Ecclesiastes, though, I realized that what might make things better is focusing on the beauty now. I don't have to wait to do that. I can see God's beauty in:

His creation
The floral and fauna of the desert
The creatures that move upon the earth
My family relationships
My friends
The kids I work with
Good food
Happy memories
The people around me

These are beautiful and good things that remind me of who God is and what He is doing in the world.

Waiting is both passive and active. It's passively being still and not trying to do for myself what God wants to do for me. It's actively trusting in, looking to, and believing on God. Maybe focusing on what's beautiful now will help me began to frame this hard process of waiting not as a search for meaning, but as a practice in focusing on God who gives life meaning. Because ultimately I'm waiting for Him to do His work, now and in eternity.