Top Ten of 2018

It's been quite a year, a year of learning and struggling, a year of losing and gaining, a year of struggle and success, a year of sadness and yet some really great joy. So without further ado, here are my top ten blog posts from the year:

Seven "Healthy" Habits I No Longer Practice
Taking the Good With The Bad
Things I'd Like To Lose to Live a Healthier Life
The Bucket List Project
My Lack of a Smile Doesn't Mean I'm Unhappy
Why I Don't Plan to Celebrate Valentine's Day
Fresh 15 Race Weekend + Visit to Family
I Care About Kids...
Living in Limbo
It's My Birthday!

I am not a blogger by profession. My blog is really a passion project, and a way I practice self care. So for those who read posts like these, thank you! I see this blog as a mission field, and I truly hope and pray that what I write speaks to your heart and encourages you.

And in case you want to see my #TopNine from Instagram, here they are:

The Bucket List Project (Re-Cap)

The year of 2018 is almost over, so I probably owe everyone an update on #thebucketlistproject. Let's just say it's been a year! I honestly didn't expect to accomplish my list (which is why I didn't post it originally), but I completed all but one item (#6) on my list, and had a few added blessings along the way. I also did several things on my list more than once. Hooray!

I don't need lists to live, I need Jesus, but having this list did motivate me to live more bravely and courageously. And that's what I needed. By God's grace, I'm trying to actually have a life. Read on for the actual items on my list and pictures to prove I accomplished them!

1) Visit brother and sister-in-law. 
2) Run a 5K with brother and sister-in-law. 
3) Cruise to the Bahamas. 
4) Attend a college friend's wedding. 

5) Hike Hotshots and Journey trails at Granite Mountain Hotshots Memorial State Park 
6) Hike the Grand Canyon. 
-Maybe next year?
7) Hike a new trail in Prescott (x 6). 
-Easter Island Trail
-Quartz Creek Trail
-Boulder Creek Trail 
-Goldwater West 
-Constellation trails 
-Clark Spring 
8) Attend a Diamondbacks game.

9) Get half-way to licensure hours (800/1600).
-Done as of September 2018
10) See a movie in the theater (x 2). 
-Forever My Girl 1/27/18
-I Can Only Imagine 3/24/18
11) Attend the Unshaken conference with Mom. 
12) Run in the Patriot Run. 
-I ran in the Butterfly Run instead.
13) Shop at the mall. 

I bought a pillow at JCPenney. It counts, okay!

14) Buy a new pair of jeans. 

Genetic Denims jeans from Poshmark.

15) Crochet a scarf for brother. 
16) Go on a date with Dad. 
-The Road Show 
17) Try a new cereal. 
-I made one.
-And I tried one.

18) Roast some nuts. 

Candied almonds from Budget Bytes

19) Go ice skating. 

20) Read a non-fiction book (biography). 
-Convicted by Jameel McGee and Andrew Collins 
21) Read a non-fiction book (self-help: x 10). 
-Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst 
-I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown 
-You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado 
-Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado 
-Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
-The Indwelling Life of Christ: All of Him in All of Me by Major W. Ian Thomas 
-Everybody Always by Bob Goff 8/12/18
-Beautifully Interrupted by Tessa Swanstrom Anderson
-Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
22) Read a fiction book (x 3). 
-Brush of Wings by Karen Kingsbury 
-The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers 
-To The Moon and Back by Karen Kingsbury
23) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott.

Spaghetti with spicy meat sauce at La Bruzza's 

24) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott Valley.

Chili rellano and bean burrito at Casa Perez

25) Go to a new restaurant in Chino Valley. 
-Arturo's was part of my bucket list birthday weekend.
26) Go to a King and Country concert (x 2). 
27) Make more family meals (x 13).

My favorite meal was probably the butter chicken and naan I made with my little brother.

28) Sing on the worship team more (x 18). 
29) Memorize more Bible verses.
-Still working on Romans
30) Girls' weekend with my Ohio best friend 
-The cruise counts, right?!?

Here's to 2019 and all the adventures it will entail!

The Co-Existence of Joy and Grief

A lot of good things are happening in my life right now, like really good things. Things I've hoped for, prayed for, and wanted for ages. Things worth celebrating. 

Although I feel a great deal of joy, I've also feel quite a bit of sadness, however. And I don't like it. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's appropriate. Because I think growth into the person God wants me to be involves grief. Grieving my old life and looking forward to the new. Giving up good things in favor of better things. Mourning the comfortable known of the past, and moving into the discomfort of the unknown future. 

I keep waiting for a day where I feel joy exclusive of sadness, but I don't think that's an attainable goal. Rather, I think that joy coexists with grief.  With each season of life comes an accompanying sorrow:

With the joy of adulthood comes the passing of childhood.
With the joy of a steady work comes the loss of flexible time.
With the joy of moving to be close to family comes the loss of those who were like family.
With the joy of marriage comes the surrender of one's individuality.
With the joy of parenting comes the pain of childbirth.
With the joy of a child's growth comes the sorrow of lost innocence.
With the joy of retirement comes the pain of finding a new identity.
With the joy of a loved one's home going to heaven comes the pain of their earthly absence.

Joy and grief. Grief and joy. We wouldn't appreciate what we have so much if it didn't come with some pain.

As we anticipate the coming of a new year, may we all embrace the joys of life along with the grief. May we all believe that grief and joy can co-exist, because if we don't, we may miss out on enjoying the joys of life all together.

Presence is My Gift to Jesus This Year

As I read my Savor devotional about the most important gifts the other morning, I thought about Christmas and what Jesus would want from me this year. The word that immediately came to mind was Presence. I want to be present this year. Present with Jesus. Present with my family and friends and loved ones. Present in the moment. 

I've been trying to cultivate little moments of presence and preparation for Christmas throughout the week, but it's hard. Life is busy. Work is busy. It seems like there are always a thousand things to do, but life is about choices and priorities. We can always make choices to prioritize what's important.

Jesus coming as a baby in a manger was about relationship. It was about God condescending to man to bring the light of a perfect baby into a dark, dark world. It was about Mary receiving what God had for her. It was about Mary's betrothed Joseph supporting her in what seemed like an impossible mission to raise the Son of God.

So in celebration of Christmas, I started trying to do one thing a day to cultivate celebration. (I've posted about that on Instagram.) Some things were little, like using a Christmas hot pad. 

Some were bigger, like an art project I did with a group at work and didn't necessarily want to finish, but did.

But what I tried, by God's grace, to prioritize were relationships and serving those around me: I got to make dinner for my family Saturday night. 

We slowed down to go for a walk to look at lights.

I've been trying to hold my schedule a little more loosely so that I have time to spend with people I love. 

As I consider Jesus coming into the world as the Light of lights, I realize that relationships are what really matter. May I be present in them for this season, and beyond, for the way I live my life daily is a year-long celebration of what Christ did for me by coming to earth at Christmas and then dying on the cross at Calvary.

Timelines

Our pastor preached a sermon a few weeks ago about timelines. Really, the sermon was about Jesus and how His birth and life and death happened perfectly, maybe not according to man's timeline, but according to God's. The pastor stated, "Everything on God's timeline will come to pass," and that got me thinking.

I stress so much about the future. I worry about tomorrow, next month, and next year. It's not an admirable trait, but rather a true struggle for me. Lately, I've found myself worrying even more about things I thought I'd decided to let go, like a house. Life is pretty good, and I don't have any major worries, so my brain seems to have decided to go back to worrying about things I don't need to worry about. I'm convinced it's a tactic of Satan to steal the joy of the present moment, too. By Jesus' power, I refuse to let him do that. 

"Everything on God's timeline will come to pass."

That means:

If I'm supposed to have a house, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get my counseling license, it will happen.

If my work schedule is supposed to stabilize, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get married someday, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to have a family of my own, it will happen.

If I need more education, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to...it will happen.

I believe the the truth written in the Bible that says "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29). Therefore, I have to trust that the things on God's timeline for my life will take place, and that anything that doesn't happen wasn't supposed to happen. But I also have to acknowledge that those those things on the timeline might not happen in the order I think they should, because this life is God's, not my own.

So friends, are you waiting? Waiting for a promotion? Waiting for that job change? Waiting for a life partner? Waiting for a child? Waiting to be where you think you should be? Everything on God's timeline will happen. Believe it. Trust it. Rest in it. 

May we together live in the now and not in the not yet.

Too Much

I can be a bit of a firecracker sometimes. I'm an oldest child. I have a Type A personality. I'm stubborn and hard-headed. And I have a lot of strong preferences.

Sometimes I worry that my personality is too much. I think I should be more soft and demure. More docile or tame and less opinionated. But then I realize that I really can't be. I have a fiesty nature. That's just who I am, and to change that would be to change the person God made me to be.

There is certainly a time and place for being polite and respectful, for withholding. I never want to purposefully offend people with my personality. And I don't want to camp on my opinions and preferences to the point that I'm ridiculously inflexible. I don't want to be rude or prideful or selfish. But I don't want to be fake, either.

More and more, God is revealing to me who I am and what I am about. That allows me to be more assertive in expressing my preferences, more firm with my boundaries, and more sure with my "Yes" or "No." And in a lot of ways, that is freeing.

So if I've offended you in something I've done, please tell me and let's talk about it. Maybe I need to change, or learn to be more soft in my authenticity. But if my personality offends you because it's too much, maybe we need to have a surface level, respectfully tolerant relationship and let the rest go.

And on the flip side, if I invest in you, know I'm trying, by God's grace, to living an authentic life. I'm quirky and weird and full of it sometimes, but that's me. What you see is what you get, and if I share with you, it's honest, and intentionally real. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Too much? Maybe. But this is the too much God has given me. And He's in control.

Don't Judge My Jeans (Or Whatever Pants I'm Wearing)

I didn't wear jeans until around fifth grade. I didn't like the way they fit or felt. I started wearing jeans when I moved to Arizona and was made fun of incessantly for my stretchy pants. I had a love/hate relationship with jeans shopping. I had to wear cowboy Wranglers for awhile to get them long enough. Later, I paid too much for Calvin Klein jeans that fit, but quickly ripped. I found some St. John's Bay jeans that fit for awhile, but then JC Penney stopped selling them. My last pairs of jeans were hand-me-downs from my Arkansas best friend. I outgrew one pair and the other is only good for winter. I told myself to look for new jeans and I occasionally did, but I didn't buy any last year. And I didn't for most of this year.

So what did I buy? Yoga pants and legging. They're not for everybody or every job, but they work for me. I spend a lot of my work days playing with kids. My body is constantly changing and fluctuating in size and yoga pants will fit most of the time. Yoga pants are cheaper and easier to clean than jeans anyway. And I can buy multiple pairs for the price of one pair of jeans. It seems like a win to me. And it feels more authentic.

Clothes are so much of a status symbol. And I'm not saying I'm immune. But what I am advocating for is more acceptance. Please don't judge me or the person next to me based on our pants (or our pant sizes!). You never know why a person wears what the clothes they wear. Those clothes might be all they have. Those clothes might be medically or job necessitated. Those clothes might be a marker of that person trying to accept their body. Those clothes might be just for comfort in a stormy season of life. Whatever the case, don't judge.

Side note: I did finally buy one pair of jeans. They're the same brand as my best friend hand-me downs, but decidedly shortly. They work with boots, so for this season, they'll do....