Self-Love and the Christian Faith

Some time ago, I wrote about self-care and selfishness. Since then, I've see a lot of Instagram posts and blog articles about self-love. there have been other articles about how people don't need to love themselves, but rather accept themselves and where they're at. In all this, I've started to wonder how self-love intersects with my Christian faith. I don't want to idolize myself, but I don't want to fail to care for the body God has given me either. I don't want to be a self-centered glutton, or an ascetic. What is the balance?

In a sermon on 1 John 4:7-8 this weekend, the pastor reminded us that love originates from God. Boom! All of this self-love stuff started to find its place in my heart. Love for self that comes from God and an appreciation of how fearfully and wonderfully He made me (Ps 139:14) is profitable. Love for self that comes from a desire to serve myself and ignore the needs of others is self-centered (Phil 2:3-4). Love for self that includes honoring rest and the needs of the body God gave me is beneficial because it places myself and God in the correct positions (Ps 46:10). Love for self that is for my own gain is sinful and unedifying to those around me (Ps 119:36). Failing to love either myself or others is failing to acknowledge the source of love in God.

Scripture does it again and sets my wrong heart aright. Now may the Holy Spirit help me practice love for self and others in the right fashion.

"This is All Good News"

"This is all good news." That is what the doctor said after conducting yet another nerve study of my arms and hands. I had hoped that this study would reveal the cause of the incoordination and dropsy and clenching and pain of my right hand. I even got excited when the EMG tech said my nerve responses were slow (but then he used a blow dryer to warm up my hand and that fixed the "problem").

(My marked-up, poked-up, post-EMG-test-hand)

I've been struggling with this hand issue for years now. I thought it was carpal tunnel, but then it wasn't. I went to the chiropractor. I visited the neurologist. I underwent MRIs of my neck and spine. I tried a Parkinson's medicine. I got botox. I went to physical therapy. Nothing really changed.

So when the doctor told me the test showed no cause for my problems, I felt disappointed, and angry, and discouraged. I am thankful that I do not have muscular dystrophy or multiple sclerosis or some incurable disease, but I wanted the doctor to find something wrong so he could fix me. The lack of results from my test wasn't good news in my world. 

My mom and I have a weekly tradition of walking and talking on Saturday mornings and on our walk today, she brought up Romans 11:33. This verse says, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" As we talked about God and his inscrutable ways, I thought about my hand and how God says he works all things together for good for those who love him (Rom 8:28). My hand issues do not feel good. The lack of diagnostic results from my test do not feel good. But I'm not on the other side of the table. I'm not the one with the medical degree and the background knowledge needed to interpret the tests. I don't know what it would really be like to get the test and have results that pointed to a terrible diagnosis.

I think it's like that with God. We pray for healing and hope and help and other good things and we don't see God come through. Life doesn't go well and we don't feel good. But we don't have infinite knowledge. We don't see our lives as the tiny specks they are in the grand scheme of God's cosmos. We don't know how our pain and sorrow and grief and other "not good" things might fit into God's eternal plan.

The "not good" of life is hard! I am not at a place where I can fully accept a diagnosis of dystonia as the only reason for my hand issues. I get angry when I can't type well or when all the tendons and muscles in my forearm hurt from trying to use my hand. I still plan to go to Phoenix to see another doctor in order to get a second opinion. I am not happy with the "good news" of my tests.

But in the midst of it all, I still have to claim and believe in God's goodness. I have to recognize God's goodness in spite of my worldly suffering. I live in light of God's goodness, and that exists in an entirely different cosmos. That otherworldly universe is about God's glory, not just about what seems and feels good to me right now.

I'll Let My Body Decide.

This is the thought I had as I laid down for a nap a week ago. I had debated this event all day in my head and couldn't decide whether or not to go. So I went to bed and decided to see if my body woke me up in time. It did, but my decision to not attend the event anyway is besides the point of this post.

The point of this post is my realization that I fail to listen to my body too much of the time. I write a lot about intuition, but it is something that still needs a lot of work in my life. There are definitely some times that I just have to push through, but sometimes I just can't, and I need to learn to be okay with that. And sometimes I need to tune out the noise around me and tune into my body. 

For example, instead of listening to the media noises that I should choose "healthy" desserts, maybe I should "give in" to my body's craving for Dairy Queen and go get a blizzard. Maybe I should ignore the societal "expectation" that I should wear jeans every day and wear the more comfortable yoga pants I own. Or maybe I should resist the pressure to overeat sugar at the holiday party and go home and have a healthy dinner because that is what will make me feel healthiest. Maybe I should press pause on the project I "should" have gotten done today and just go to bed because my body and brain are tired. There are times and places for limits and accountability and boundaries, but God made my body smart. I need to listen to it more.

What about you? Are there areas where you need to tune out, and tune in? Please share below.

This Isn't the Life I Planned, But It's the Life I've Been Given

I spent almost the entire day with my parents last Saturday. We went to the Christmas parade, shopped for groceries, took a nap, ate dinner together, and then drove through the Valley of Lights. Along the way, we had a lot of deep discussions about life, especially Dad and I. I wouldn't have fathomed the idea of such a day a year and a half ago. 

When I decided to move to Arizona, I had plans. I wanted to move in with Dad and Mom, find a job, and then move right back out into a place of my own. I even organized and packed up all my household goods according to that plan. Well, that plan didn't quite work out.

Here I am today, December 2017, still living at home with my parents, still with most of my stuff packed and in the basement. I've even added a refrigerator, bed, and dishwasher to my collection, having been a week away from closing on a house this summer. This isn't the life I wanted. 

I wanted to be independent. I wanted to do life on my own, in my own way. I wanted to be secure and settled. I'm not. But then again, in a strange way, I am. 

Over the past year and a half, I have deepened my relationship with my parents in ways that I wouldn't have considered possible. I am redeeming some of the time I spent in high school alienated and distanced from my family. I am making memories that I wouldn't have had the chance to had I lived on my own.

My parents are supporting me in amazing ways, too. Had I had what I wanted, I wouldn't have the blessing of a fresh, hot-cooked meal every night. I wouldn't have experienced the sweet salve of my dad saying, "You're going to make it," when I come home from a hard day at work and ugly cry. I wouldn't have the convenience of having Mom as an on-site nurse and Dad as an on-site mechanic. I wouldn't have the privilege of seeing my parents working on their marriage, even after 33 years. I wouldn't have experienced the mutual strengthening of faith we've had as we've weathered tough times together. I wouldn't have this life that hard as it is, is beautiful.

This isn't the life I planned, but it's the life I've been given by God Almighty. He knew that this is a season of life I needed, for however long it lasts.

*The title for this post is inspired by Georgie Morley's essay, "It's Not the Body I Asked For, It's the Body I Have."

My Prescription for Good Mental Health

I wrote this post awhile ago, as life and work got a little crazy. I'm revisiting it now and realizing how much I need a dose of good mental health. I've stopped doing some of these things, but I need to start again.

1. Three rows of crochet: I don't get to this every day, but overall, it's an activity that calms my brain (by crossing the center line, EMDR folks) and makes me feel like I've accomplished something for the day. More than three rows is not good self-care because of my "dystonia."

2. Positive mental input via podcasts and radio: In the midst of external criticism and feelings of inadequacy, filling my mind with the good stuff (aka crowding out the criticism) is vital.

3. Daily Scripture intake: Usually via reading, but sometimes via the audio One Year Bible recording. If I'm not starting the day with truth, I'm starting the day with no foundation

4. Good nutrition: It's easy to forget eating or eat junk when I'm busy, but neither turn out very well. Meal prep and snacks are vital during this time

5. Comfy clothes: When days are long, it's not good to be uncomfortable. I'm not talking sloppy here, but wearing clothes that fit and cover me thoroughly is vital to survival. Layers are also helpful for the widely varying temperatures in Arizona.

6. Floor sitting: There's got to be some science behind this, but sitting on the floor (usually to crochet) winds me down and helps me relax before bed.

7. No social media during nighttime snack: Scrolling Instagram or Pinterest before bed isn't a good idea. I'm in a brain-numbed state and I can't seem to stop. And if I do it while eating, I often violate point four by eating junk food mindlessly.

8. Crosswords: The antidote to my social media scrolling. These engage my brain and help me not think about the day past or the day future, or much else but my intense drive to finish. (Yes, I'm competitive with myself.)

9. Creative outlets: I need to make and create, even if I'm not an artist. This also goes back to number one, but also feeds into my need to make fabric cards and cook.

10. Prayer: I often don't want to do this, but I need to, and before the crisis, not after or during. Prayer is my power connection, as well as a way to calm my mind and remind myself that I'm not in control.

11. Yoga: I am trying to get back into practicing, at least once a week. Yoga is a good way to create a quiet space to detox mind, body, and spirit. It is also a way to stretch and unwind the kinks that build up in my body after a log week of work.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or even that I practice these things well, but I think it's important to make a list, to realize what works and what doesn't, so on those bad days I can remind myself to "take the pill" of my prescription for good mental health and chill.

What is your prescription for good mental health? Please share in the comments section.

*This post is inspired by Georgie Morely of In It For the Long Run.

Afghan 56

With God's help, I finished another afghan! This afghan is the one jumbo skein baby blanket from Yarnspirations. I completed the blanket in Red Heart cherry red, and yes, it did take just about one skein of yarn.

This yarn was a lesson in patience and in the tolerance of imperfection, as I could not seem to keep the edges straight. I'll point out that the blanket seems a little warped in this picture, and it is, though the picot stitch edging helped. Overall, I am just glad I finished. My dystonia helps me focus on finishing my afghans, rather than on making them perfect.

As for my dystonia, I notice my hand getting worse. It is harder to type. I find my hand clenching some when I try to do things like chop food in the kitchen. My ring finger and pinkie cross in what the physical therapist called, "scissoring." Whether it's related or not, my right elbow has swollen and started to hurt. I did see the doctor on Veteran's Day, but I declined botox in favor of another EMG nerve test. That is scheduled for a few weeks out.

Will you please pray with me that I will find some answers for this issue? I am thankful that I have a hand and that it kind of works to crochet afghans like this one. Still, I am frustrated, and I'll admit a bit grumpy and mad about the issue. I just want a certain and precise diagnosis so I can either fix the problem or figure out how to deal with it. But maybe that is not my lot. Either way, I have to learn to be content, rest, and trust God about it, and I am struggling to do these things.

Hiking in Arizona

I took myself for a hike last Saturday. At 79 degrees in November, I couldn't resist. Along the trail, I encountered and talked to several individuals who had not hiked this trail before. Both mentioned things that made me think they were not from around here. Those conversations led me to this post about hiking in Arizona. This is more of a how-to post than a review of the trail I hiked. (If you want more about Arizona trails, head on over to my friend's blog at The Neurotic Wanderer.)

1) Go to the bathroom before you leave. Due to lack of water at the trail heads, most trail heads either don't have bathrooms, or only have porta-potties. Hiking while needing to go to the restroom is miserable. Just go before you go!

2) Take water! I often break this rule, but Arizona heat is dry and you get dehydrated fast.

3) Sunscreen and/or a hat. The sun is bright and you will burn fast. No use suffering for a good hike!

4) Wear quality shoes. I learned the hard way that hiking in running or other athletic shoes does not work. Arizona soil is rocky, and those rocks bruise your feet, even through shoes. My mom recommended Hi-Tec hiking boots, which we buy from Big 5 Sporting Goods. I add insoles to my shoes and am good to go!

5) With your shoes wear heavy socks! I got blisters the first time I wore my hiking boots. Then Mom got me wool socks, and voila, no blisters! The wool socks wick away moisture from my feet, which also helps prevent blisters from forming.

6) Bring along a jacket (even in the summer). Temperatures in Arizona fluctuate up to 50 degrees due to the desert climate. Every year, many hikers get stranded and ill due to inadequate clothing. Yes, it's a pain to tie a jacket around your waist or put it in a backpack, but it's worth it in case of emergency.

7) Consider a backpack. If you're going to have all the supplies you need, you might as well have a backpack to stuff it in. I linked to my favorite backpack in my travel post.

(Saturday's trail)

There you have it: my recommendations for hiking in Arizona.

Fellow Arizona hikers, what hiking recommendations would you add to this list? Please post below.