There is Enough.

"As thy days, so shall thy strength be" (Deut 33:25, King James Version).

Even before COVID 19, I felt like I was living in a season where there never seemed to be enough. There never seemed to be enough time, energy, cooked food, gas in the car, friends, connections, times to think, insight, etc. I say there seemed because there really was enough. I could choose to cut things out of my schedule to make time for what was important. We had plenty of food, just maybe not what I wanted to eat. I could fill up my car at any old gas station. I had friends, even if they dwell far away. God was opening up opportunities for connection if I only looked for them. I could choose to shut off some noise in my life (the radio, social media, etc.) and commit to reflection. 

Then COVID-19 hit. I couldn't find staples like rice and beans and carrots at the grocery store. (Why carrots were in short supply, I don't know.) There was no toilet paper on the shelves. Work got busier. My mind got more crowded with anxiety and worry and fear. I worried about my health and the health of my loved ones. I wondered how I would survive in such a season of lack. I expressed my anxieties to my husband, wanting him to sympathize, and his in his wisdom said, "Has God always provided?"

"Yes, but..."

He cut me off. "Then I can't join you."

He was right. God has always provided, and He always will. The issue with my feelings of scarcity is really my mindset. God is Provider. There is enough. There is enough time. There is enough energy. There are enough resources. 

For what God calls me to do and how He calls me to live. <----- And that is the kicker.

I don't have time or energy or resources for anything other than what God has laid out for me. Neither do you. Maybe in this season of life my sphere of influence is small, mostly in my own home. Maybe it's the same for you. But in this season, even with COVID-19, God's portion is enough. His grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9). And it is for you, if you believe. His strength is sufficient for you, if you believe, if I believe. 

God is Enough. May we have faith to live out of that truth.

Learning From Lent

I started practicing Lent years ago, probably ten years ago at this point. It was hard then, and it is hard now. Some years I haven't practiced, but most years, I get convicted about something I need to give up. I don't want to fast, but eventually I succumb to the Spirit and do it. The first days and weeks of fasting this year seemed long (and Lent was a whole 46 days this year). The last few days, I wanted to quit, but then Easter came and I was grateful I fasted, grateful for this ritual and spiritual discipline that teaches me so much year in and year out.

Easter this year admittedly felt a lot different. It was more somber, less celebratory, but it was still Easter, and Christ is risen. Hallelujah! And because Christ is risen, we have the Holy Spirit, and it is that Spirit that convicted me to fast.

This year I fasted from three things: listening to music or podcasts in my car, tea, and chocolate. I have fasted from all three of these before, but never in conjunction. This year, I felt convicted to give up all three, to let Jesus take their place. I fasted from these practices and things for many reasons, but mostly because I tend to overuse them for comfort. There is no harm in finding comfort in God's good gifts, but when the gifts become more important than the Giver, there's a problem. I was bordering on that: drowning my thoughts (and prayers) out with music in the car, drowning my hunger and longings in tea up to three times a day, and looking to chocolate to give me peace to sleep. So essentially, I gave up comfort for Lent.

Almost immediately, I felt the ache of my loss. My thoughts assaulted me as I drove. The commutes to and from work seemed extra long. I felt the ache in my belly from not having tea. I missed the lingering at the table after meals as I sipped. I missed the calmness of the tea's warmth as it slipped down my throat. I couldn't figure out what to eat as a nighttime snack. But as I faithfully stuck with the fast, God started to show me benefits. My doctor told me my vertigo might be due to my electrolyte balance being off. My mom told me drinking less liquids would help. Well, fasting from tea took care of that recommendation! I started to notice that I was hungry after a lot of meals, and drinking less tea made room for more food and more energy (a sore lack these days). I recognized that I could eat a lot of different things for snack and started to figure out what did and didn't satisfy, thereby enlarging my repertoire. Then COVID-19 hit, and I saw even more reasons the Lord may have prompted me to fast. Having no radio on in the car meant less exposure to news. I became more and more grateful for a small space free from virus talk. (The overhead freeway signs and billboards reminded me of COVID enough.) I found that I could use my commute time to pray, or call those I loved and could not visit. I found that could discipline myself to sit and linger at the table without tea, if rest was what I needed. Groceries became more random (though not scarce-thankfully we have food), so having variety to my snacks helped me roll with the flow of food.  And now that I can find no powdered milk anyway, I have ideas of what I can enjoy besides my preferred hot chocolate mix. I am thankful, even if the fasting was painful.

Did I give up the fast on Easter? Yes. Because fasting past Easter can become legalistic and judgmental for me. I sure enjoyed the tea I sipped with breakfast and the chocolate chip cookie I had with snack. I was encouraged by the songs I heard on the radio in my car this morning. I hope that as I add back these things, I will return to a place of more moderation and gratitude overall.

Did I learn from Lent this year? I sure did! Was it easy? No. But the Spirit is faithful. Praise Him!

Real Life Marriage: Things I Never Expected

Photo by Sharon Lane

In our first ten months of marriage, I never expected...

...Marriage to be so hard.
...Marriage to expose so much of my selfishness.
...To move hours away from my family.
...To buy a house.
...To change jobs.
...To have the honeymoon period wear off and yet still love so much it hurts.
...To have my identity change.
...To let go of so many things that used to matter so much.
...To have amazing best friends, but yet find my husband really is becoming my bestest friend.
...To be living through a pandemic.

We are healthy and well today, and for that, we praise God. And I am thankful. For all the hard times, and the good times. To be with my person, even if it is cooped up in a house. That we got married last year instead of this year. For a God who knew everything that would happen on this earth before it all begin. We stand in awe of him.

I Had A Dream.

The dream was pretty vivid. I was sitting in a church auditorium, a cattywampus one at that, with booths and tables and all kinds of seating styles, all jammed together and out of order. The sense of distress and uneasiness was high. And all of a sudden, there was an announcement, "There's a dead guy outside." The room went silent. Fear was palpable. And then I, the one who normally remains silent in big gatherings said, "God is our refuge."

The dream ended there, but its memory did not. If I analyze my dream, I think I know where the murder scene came from: a news article read before bed about a recent police shooting. And in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I know all too well the feelings of panic and mass hysteria. But the "God is our refuge" piece? That came 1) from the Holy Spirit, and 2) from reciting the truth to myself and claiming God's promises. I've been breath praying, "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge" (Psalm 16:1, New International Version) over and over recently. I've also been trying to memorize more verses about God as refuge. And I've been Bible journaling the Psalms, in which this concept of God has refuge just keeps coming up. I need this truth.

I had a dream, and it showed me something. Mindset matters. We get in what we put out. God's Word is always true, but the more we study it, the more it becomes true. God's Word...

...May we study it.

...May we learn it.

...May we hide it in our hearts.

...May we dream it.

To Him be the glory!

Things We Say, but Probably Shouldn't

"In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise" (Prov 10:19, New King James Version).

Oh, words. I believe they have power, but yet we throw them around so lightly:

The weather is bipolar.

I have a love affair with....
I'm not married to that.
That's so retarded.
Shoot me.
I bet....

Words these are, but words that have meaning. Words that could demean. Words that could have offend. Bipolar disorder is a real illness, one the weather can't have. And perhaps if I say those words in the hearing of someone struggling with this disorder, I belittle their battle. Love is a powerful thing. To say I love a thing, or even more so, to have an affair with a thing, can demean love, and be an affront to the very real and important love I have with my husband in marriage. Some things may feel stupid or dumb, but retarded is not a good descriptive word to use. I might argue it is never a good word to use. And talking about killing is dangerous, especially to little ears who may not fully understand sarcasm. The betting phrase? A kid at worked called me out on it saying, "We don't bet." Duly noted. Gambling is not a habit I endorse, and my words should follow suit.

Words have power, friends. Are you using them wisely? I know I am convicted that I need to attend to my own words a little more carefully. Some more restraint might be in order, both for the respect of others, and for myself.

Is COVID-19 the Death Knell?

In the midst of rapid rises in the number of COVID-19 cases in my county, I have been contemplating my own mortality with increasing regularity. I ask myself:

-Have I done everything I wished to do? 

-If I die, will my husband have what he needs? 

-Do I want a DNR? 

-Do we need a will? 

These thoughts nearly bring me to tears. But then I remember that COVID-19 is not a terminal diagnosis. I don't even know for sure that I've been exposed to it yet. It isn't a sure death knell.

As I thought further recently, I thought of the verse, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). I pictured myself at heaven's door, with my life being weighed on the scales. I saw the weight of my sin thud my side of the balance to the floor. But then I saw the weight of Jesus' perfect sacrifice land on the other side, catapulting my sins far, far away. (Psalm 103:2 says that God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west.) That comforted me. Should I go, when I go, I know where I am going: to heaven, a place where no trace of COVID-19 or its wrath remain.

COVID-19 is serious. We are taking precautions we can, but we still may get it. But even then, COVID-19 it isn't a sure killer. You know what is the death knell? Sin. We're all infected by it. We all test positive. Sin separates us from God here on this earth and in the life to come unless we have a relationship with Jesus.

Maybe this seems a bit serious or even preachy, but seriously, if you don't know Jesus, take care of it now. I have. We're all going to die, of COVID-19, or something else. And if we die without Jesus as Savior, we're going to experience even greater suffering than we currently have.

So please, if you don't know Jesus:

-Repent of your sins.

-Believe in Jesus and his perfect atoning sacrifice for salvation.

-Confess that Jesus is Lord.

Do this today. Do it before COVID-19 or something else takes you from this life. Salvation by grace through faith in Jesus is the only thing that can save you from the sure death knell of sin.

What it Means to Wait

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've endured many seasons of waiting in life, and now I feel that I am in another one: hoping and waiting and wishing for a less stressful, less busy, calmer, easier corona virus free life. I am blessed to be stressed, blessed to be stretched, blessed to have a way to keep working in all this, but I've been so tired.

A friend and I were discussing our careers the other day, about our desires to get to a place where this ministry of helping others to somehow become easier, more sustainable. But then I read in Psalm 38 about waiting. The Spirit impressed upon me that sometimes we wait because the next thing is not here yet, or because we are not ready for it. We long for the future, but yet God calls us to live right now. And then the commentary I listened to on Psalm 40 talked about waiting on God meaning also waiting on God's timing. That convicted me.

If I believe in God's sovereignty, if I believe that God is who He says He is in the Bible, I must wait. I must trust in God's timing. I must be faithful in this season, even if I long for a different one. God is teaching me. God is growing me. May I not forsake the cultivating of life here, even as I long for another one. And may I ultimately long for heaven where I will see Jesus face to face.