I'm Tired of Living Scared.

I am the oldest child in my family. I have a type A personality. I am competitive. I like to plan. I like to be in control of my life. I always try to keep myself safe. I'm not knocking my personality, but I'm realizing that it has kept me from really living life.

I started the #bucketlistproject this year to try to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, to do things I've always wanted to do, but haven't. So far, I've gotten through all but about six of my thirty items. But I must confess that each time, I've wanted to back out. I haven't wanted to take the trip, stay up late, feel tired, take risks, or experience pain. I still feel anxious about the routines I have to sacrifice and change to accomplish the rest of my bucket list. But you know what? I'm tired of living scared.

I'm tired of being scared to miss a workout for fear that I'll lose endurance and mobility and not be able to do what I want to do in the future.

I'm tired of not eating new or "unhealthy" foods for fear of getting sick or feel unwell.

I'm tired of skipping out on fun events because I fear disrupting my sleep schedule.

I'm tired of not asking questions because I fear people's responses.

I'm tired of hiding my true self because I fear how others will receive me.

I'm tired of missing out on life.

The ironic thing about living scared is that it hasn't really made me any safer. I've still had injuries and illness and accidents and relationship struggles. I keep a "perfect" schedule and still struggle to sleep. And no matter what I've done, I've never really been in control.

In the Old Testament, God said to the leader Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Josh 1:9, New International Version). I'm not about to go off make rash decisions or take unneeded risks, but since God is with me, I think I've decided that I'd rather live than stay safe. I'm 30 and I only have so many years on this earth. I might as well live and see where life takes me instead of staying stuck in fear.

I'm tired of living scared. I'm ready to live free.

Do I Idolize Contentment?

As much as I talk about wanting contentment, I wonder if I want it too much. I wonder if I want contentment more than I want Jesus, if I'm seeking comfort more than I'm seeking the Comforter. Because when I'm seeking anything more than Jesus, I'm idolatrous.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, these verses really stuck out to me:

Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did.  Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: 'The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.'

(1 Corinthians 10:6-7, New International Version).

It struck me that I'm supposed to enjoy life, but that I'm not supposed to idealize, it, or idolize it. When I am too content, too settled, when food and drink and friendship and home satisfy me too much, I don't remember my need for Jesus.

Teresa Swanstrom Anderson writes in her book, Beautifully Interrupted, "Every day [God] reminds me, I didn't put you in this world to be content. I put you in this world to make a difference for My Kingdom" (p. 127). She goes on to write, 

Admittedly, when I'm soul weary there are times I actually crave the fat and happy idea....But I don't think that's the contentment God desires of us....I know it's when He stretches me and I have no choice but to lean heavily on Him that I need to be content. Content with knowing that His plan is the best plan. Unconditional contentment even in the wait. (p. 128).

The Lord knows that I am wanting for and waiting on a lot of things right now. Yet He calls to me, "be content with what [I] have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'" (Heb 13:5). God calls me to be content not in what I have, but with what I have, because I HAVE Him!

I've got a lot to learn about contentment, but here's to pursuing God in that journey. To worshiping the Model and Provider of contentment rather than the virtue itself. To finding my identity as a contented child of Christ rather than idolizing contentment itself. God, help me.

Redeeming Memories

I have not been to Colorado for almost ten years. The trip this weekend was supposed to be a getaway, a peaceful pause from life and a celebration of a milestone birthday for my mom. But I was really grumpy and moody that first day. I was overwhelmed with discomfort and dread and memories of times I'd like to forget. They seemed to pop up at every turn, and I wasn't quite ready for them. The memories were not devastatingly bad, but linked to times in my life that I was not in a good place and had very negative thoughts and emotions about the world and about myself. That first day I told my parents how I felt and then prayed like crazy that God would redeem the time. This trip wasn't about me anyway. It was a gift to my mom. 

As the days went on, God did redeem the time. He showed me the gift that it was to get away with my parents. He showed me the beauty of His creation.

He gave my parents and I strength to hike up to a lake at almost 12,000 feet elevation.

He gave us good conversations and tasty food and solid time together (albiet a lot of time being in the car.

Trauma with a capital T, the big stuff, does not resolve quickly or readily, but sometimes the small stuff, the little trauma needs to be relived and restoried and replaced with new memories. That was what God did for me this weekend.

Colorado is beautiful and I can honestly say I enjoyed my time there. But I can also say that I decided it is not my favoritest place to vacation, so I might not be back super soon. And that's okay, because the beauty that remains is the beauty of restored memories, and those will last a lifetime.

Even If...

Life has been a bit of a muddle lately. I have had long days at work, relationship struggles, crisis calls, and the accident. I've dealt with late nights, short sleeps, paperwork up the wazoo, and feeling completely overwhelmed. This week my hand has been acting up and I have felt emotionally dysregulated. Today, I got the call that the damage to my car is worse than they thought and my dad says to prepare myself that it may be totaled. I would be bummed if that was the case. We are leaving for a quick family trip tomorrow to celebrate Mom's birthday and I feel ill-prepared and ill-equipped to appropriately celebrate.

But I keep think thinking:

Even if work is hard...
Even if the worst happens...
Even if friendships fail...
Even if my health conditions cause pain and make life difficult...
Even if my car is totaled...
Even if I don't feel safe or sane...
Even if don't have the level of joy I think I should...

...God's still on the throne and He's carrying me, all the way through this life and into the next.

What are you facing, friends? A difficult job? A decision that needs to be made, but options that don't seem right? A terminal diagnosis? Being let down by someone you love? The loss of a treasured possession?

If you believe in Jesus for salvation, God's with you, too. He's got you. We're in this together. Even if...

Breath Prayers

I often get overwhelmed when people remind me that I'm supposed to pray without ceasing. I know that's what God's Word commands (1 Thess 5:17), but it's hard for me to do. I'm busy and human and quite frankly just don't always want to seek the Lord wholeheartedly.

Somewhere along the journey of my spiritual life, however, I got introduced to breath prayers. In the traditional practice, people pray in rhythm with their breath, as a form of contemplation or meditation. (Read more on that here.) In my practice, these prayers are just simple words I can say in a breath. They're often desperate cries to the Lord, but they are also honest and real. They remind me that there is more to this world than me and that Jesus is my source of power.

Here are a few of my breath prayers and why I pray them: 

Lord, help!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. And sometimes sending out an SOS is all I have in me.

Let me be love.
This is a prayer I often pray as I go to work. I can't necessarily witness with words in this setting, but I pray that my life will be a witness.

Let me be Jesus.
I pray this as I start hard days and go into difficult situations. I may be all some people see of Jesus and I need the Holy Spirit to empower me to represent him accurately.

Let love flow through.
A lot of my prayer lately revolve around love as the Lord is teaching me I need to learn to love a whole lot better. I tend to be a human doing instead of a human being, so when I pray this, I am praying for God to act and empower me to do right instead of trying so hard to find and do right on my own.

They're yours, Lord.
When I want to cling to people for comfort or when I'm scared for people I love, I remind myself that people are not mine. They are the Lord's, and as a Good Father, He will take care of them (Matt 7:11).

Jesus.
In those times when I literally don't know what to say or do, I call on Jesus, for there is power in His name. This is also my cry for the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because I don't know how to pray (Rom 8:26-27).

Does any of you have short prayers that they pray to get them through the day? Please share in the comments section below.

Shook

I got rear-ended yesterday. I was at a standstill and so was the truck behind me. The car behind the truck never stopped and jammed all of us into each other. My car got damaged, but I was able to get off the road. I was physically fine. I was thankful.

But I was honestly kind of a mess after the accident. I was overwhelmed with trying to go to insurance, report the incident at work, cover missed appointments, etc. I was worried. I was upset that my plans for the work day got ruined. I knew I needed to go to Urgent Care for whiplash, and I didn't want to. I griped.

After the Urgent Care visit. I was able to go home and finish paperwork and then go for a walk to think. On that walk, my head started to clear. I realized that some good things came out of this incident. The truck between the cause of the accident and my car broke the impact and saved me and my passenger potentially serious injuries. I've been trying to make friends here, and that day two of my more recent friends showed their true colors and offered me care, concern, and support. Dad helped me with my car and Mom helped me with medical stuff. I realized how much my family suffers with me when I hurt, and they willingly do this because they love me. Work showed me that they care more about more than my productivity. I cannot deny that I felt scared and angry and alone at times that day, but I know that gratitude needs to be the attitude of my spirit

I'm shook and I've still gotta walk the long road to getting my car fixed, but I am okay. God is unshakeable and this accident did not escape His notice. He was clearly present in and around it. Praise Him.

Some Questions are Okay...

I've received a lot of questions about my hand lately, mostly because of the new finger braces I'm wearing. Some questions are okay. (Some aren't.) And it's okay to ask about this.

Basically, my hand condition (focal dystonia) is permanent. I've got neurological miscommunication that makes some fingers contract and some fingers flex, both at the same time and at different times. I'm in my last week of occupational therapy and still doing my at home strengthening program. The finger braces are supposed to help my fingers do their jobs, especially typing, and the at home program is supposed to help restore the muscle mass lost due to botox. My therapists say it will take awhile for that to happen, though.

I wish there was a cure for dystonia, but there isn't, so I'm learning to accept it. It helps that I'm realizing there's more to life than my hand. At least I still have a hand.

So here's to coming up with concise answers to the hand questions, doing my job, being diligent about therapy, and seeing how things go. Barring a miracle, this is life, and I want to live my life, dystonia or not.