It is What It Is.

"It is what it is." My dad said this to us all the time my siblings and I were growing up, and honestly, it annoyed me. It seemed dismissive of the situations at hand, as well as unrecognizing of my feelings. But as I've gotten older, I've realized the truth in Dad's mantra. And I've kind of taken it on as my own.

Someone said something I don't understand. I can overanalyze it, or take it at face value. It is what it is.

People have opinions about my relationships and what they think they should be. I can try to justify my actions and comply with expectations, or let the issue go. It is what it is.

My plans for the day got hijacked. I can stress and fret, or just run with what the day throws at me. It is what it is.

I haven't trained enough for my 5K, so my time will be slow. I can chastise myself, or just go and enjoy it. It is what it is.

I should (fill in the blank), but I didn't or I  can't. I can strive and strain or accept. It is what it is.

I want (fill in the blank), but I don't have it. I can wallow in discontent, or just be where I am. It is what it is.

This is my life, people. It isn't perfect, and I certainly struggle in it, but it is what it is. This is where God has placed me for this time and season, and He is here. HE IS.

Weak

I have a dear friend and former roommate who liked to call me Wonder Woman. She even bought me a Wonder Woman cup. But man, lately I've felt anything but.

I've been sick a lot, or a lot more than I normally am. First came a cold, and that turned into a sinus infection, and then I got another cold. I hated it. I could barely keep my head above water. I wasn't thinking about other people's needs. I was working, coming home, and crashing. I wasn't optimistic or hopeful. I was anxious and worried and sick.

But I didn't want people to know.

So I wasn't texting my friends. I wasn't going to social events. I was hermiting. Hard core.

Then the Spirit convicted me that I was once again subscribing to a perfectionistic mindset. In my hermiting and withdrawal, I was acting pridefully. I was trying to deny the fact that I felt weak and was weak. I was trying to deny my struggle.

I got another little cold recently, and back came the anxiety and worry. But this time when friends asked me how to pray for me, I admitted I felt sick and asked prayer my health. I admitted my struggle and gave just a little more over to God. It was freeing.

Wonder Woman is still my favorite superhero. In a perfect world, I would be brave and fit and strong enough to save everyone. But we don't live in a perfect world. I'm human, and the only real superhero is God. In sickness and in health, I get my strength from Him!

I Don't Date. I Phone Date.

I have fussed a lot about how lonely I feel in this season of singleness. In my heart of hearts, I do want to get married and have a "forever friend," but the truth is that I have friends, but don't always spend time with them. And that's on me. The issue for me is that most of my best friends live out of state and in other time zones. Calling them requires time and coordination and work. And sometimes I just don't want to make sacrifices or put the work in.

Lately, however, I've been trying to make an effort to reach out to my friends, to tell them that they matter. And that often means scheduling dates, phone dates. If I think I am one day ready to commit to getting to know a potential future spouse through dating, I must be able to commit to scheduled times and places to call my friends. It's important!

Week by week, I've started to carve out a little more time, give up a few more evenings, and pick up the phone to talk to people I love. I've talked to both my best friends and another close friend and had back and forth texts with several others in the past month or so. And you know what? The time has been so worth it! Sure, not everyone responds when I reach out, but the conversations I have had have filled my heart, and I hope blessed my friends as well.

Hard as this season of singleness has been, it has some perks. I have time. I have resources. I am the only one relying on my schedule. So no, I don't date. I phone date. 

Why Communication Matters in Relationships

I asked my parents to take the Love Languages test earlier this year. Yes, I'm a nerd like that. But we'd had some conflicts and I wanted to know how to love them better. I figured the results of this test might help.

The results of the test weren't too surprising, but they were informative. And as I've reflected more on what I learned, I've realized that a key source of contention in my family relationships can be how we show love. Quality time is high for my parents, but low for me. Where I want to do acts of service to tell them how much they mean to me, they want me to spend time with them. When I rebuff their attempts to give me quality time, I hurt their feelings. When they don't recognize my acts of service or receive my words of praise, I feel in the wrong. But the issue really isn't about me. The issue is about mismatched love languages.

So how am I working to rectify this situation? Communication. I'm asking my parents what is important to them. Time is limited and I can't do everything with them, so I need to talk to them to learn what quality time looks like to them. And when they tell me something matters (or doesn't), I have to take what they say at face value and not over analyze. Then I have to give time to them to do the things they tell me matter. Similarly, I have to use communication to tell them when I appreciate what they do for me, or that their words of affirmation really encouraged me. They're working to tell me how I can benefit them with an act of service, and I'm working to receive their quality time. It's a give and take process.

Relationships are messy and hard, especially because people are so different. But that's a beauty of love, that we get to work on ourselves as part of our commitments to care for others who are unlike us. We grow as a result.

I sure don't have the love languages thing figured out, but I'm trying. And I'm learning that communication is key.

Life is Hard.

I was somehow under the impression that life would get easier at some point. That at some point, I could just celebrate and have some sadness lingering over me. Maybe I wouldn't arrive. But I could at least be content and not want more. Nope! Life is hard. It just is.

I'm an ISFJ, and I feel things deeply. I feel it when a kid gets removed from their parents. I feel it when coworkers argue. I feel it when friends and family members are struggling. I feel it when the seasons change. I feel it when the skies are gray. I feel it when the country is in a state of upheaval from the latest terrorist act, school shooting, or court case.

But I also feel the joy when adoptive homes open. When people reconcile. When family and friends succeed. When hopes springs anew. When the sun shine. When there is redemption. 

Life is bittersweet. And as Brene Brown says, “We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” I am finding that to be true. I can't feel the joy without feeling the pain. I can't feel the gladness without feeling the sorrow. I can't celebrate without having wept.

So if I'm going to live life, I guess I'm going to have to accept that life is hard. Because I have to see that life is hard to feel that life is also good and worth living.

Dust

The dust hung heavy as the sunlight streamed in through the living room windows. I could see the dust in the air, on the wood, on my hands. And no matter how much I tried to wipe that dust off, it clung to me, and to the surfaces from which I was trying to remove it. Sure, I removed some of it off, but the sun showed just how much more remained.

Life's like that. We've all got hurts, habits, hang-ups, and areas of just plain not knowing. The more we let the light in, the more we see we need to learn, grow, heal, and let go. Letting light in, whether via accountability, or preaching, or teaching, or plain old learning can be painful. It reveals our inadequacies. It shows us how much we don't know. It shows us how much dust yet remains.

But as we learn and grow, some of the dust clears or disappears. The sun exposes and reflects beautifully off the cleaned areas, even as it still shows the dusty ones. Light reveals life just as it reveals stagnation.

I'm not always all about living the vulnerable life. It's uncomfortable. I feel exposed. But if I have to let in the light to get some clarity, bring on the Son.

Self-Discipline

Remember that post I wrote about my tangled life and getting back to the basics? Yeah, much as I would like to say I've done that, I haven't. When I'm tired and burning out, I really struggle to do what I need to do. I stay up late when I need to sleep. I put off meal prepping when I need to have solid nutrition to get me through my long days. I stay on social media instead of cleaning and organizing. I delay exercise until I have to rush to get it done. I don't make time for Bible reading and devotions. And it becomes a vicious cycle.

I know what I need to do, and I don't do it. There's got to be room for a little grace, but I've also go to have some self discipline. Because if I know what I need to do and I don't do it, I am the only one to blame for the consequences that result.

When Life is Tangled

I've kind of hit a wall in life lately. I'm smiling in this picture, but if you look closely, you'll notice a few things:

-I'm wearing two watches because that's how much I have to keep track of time.
-I'm carrying my lunch box with only a few fingers because I'm also trying to hold my keys.
-All the pockets of my backpack are partly or fully open, and stuff is about to fall out.
-The spiral binding of my notebook has come off and is stuck on a flap of said backpack.

Basically, I'm a mess. And that's my life. When I get to this stage, I need to take a step back. I need to get back to the basics and focus on the essentials:

• Having a consistent sleep schedule.
• Eating regularly.
• Keeping things clean and organized.
• Staying physically active.
• Remaining plugged in to truth (e.g. The Bible, God's Word)

When life gets messy, things get tangled. My priorities get out of whack. I get tired and exhausted and confused and emotional and overwhelmed. But when I get back to the basics, things tend to settle and relax and I can regain some focus. May God give me strength to major on the majors and let the rest of the stuff of life sort itself out.

Do's and Dont's

"What am I made to do?" This is a question I ask myself frequently. And I'll probably be asking it my entire life. "What am I made to do?" is not a bad question to ask, because it can define my purpose, vision, and values. But it can also be an overwhelming question, a scary question, and a question that can be discouraging when I don't know how to answer it.

I think the question, "What am I made to do?" is as much about what I'm not doing as it is about what I'm doing, though. There are things I'm called to do and things I'm not called to do, or things I am not called to do right now. For example, right now I am not called to be a wife, or a mom, or a home owner. I am a friend, and a daughter, and a coworker, however. And some things I do and don't aren't really about calling. They're about preferences and choices. Because I can't do everything, much as in my perfectionism, I would like to.

So right now, what are my do's and don'ts? Here's a non-exclusive list.

I do...
Cook.
Clean.
Love.
Exercise.
Stay active.
Write.
Hike.
Jog.
Run 5Ks.
Crochet.
Spend time with people I love.
(Try to) Go to bed on time.
Linger at nighttime snack.
Sing.
Be faithful to my daily devotional time.
Paint my toes.

I don't...
Stay out late.
People please.
Do heavy workouts.
Run marathons.
Follow restrictive diets.
Make all my food from scratch.
Focus on externals.
Garden.
Wear a lot of makeup.
Serve in Children's Church.
Volunteer for extra hours at work.
Do my own car maintenance.
Study or argue philosophy and theology.
Sew.

You'll notice that the items on my lists are a mixture of value neutral and value laden activities. I feel conviction about some things on the list and others are just choices. But they're choices I often have to consciously make.

What am I made to do? What are my values? My purpose and values become evident in my choices. So I want to be purposeful about them. May my choices always point to Jesus as I continue to accurately discern all that He has called me to do.

*This post was inspired by the chapter "Things I Don't Do" in Shauna Niequist's book, Bittersweet.

It's My Birthday!

It's my birthday! No, not the anniversary of the date I came into the world, but an arguably more important date: the date I was reborn and received the gift of eternal life. I don't remember that day 27 years ago, but my Mom does. She says that we were playing in the front room one day when I started up a discussion with her. Apparently, I had a tendency to ask the question “Why?” about anything and everything. We got on the subject of Jesus, and Mom asked me if I wanted to have a relationship with Him. I said yes, and she prayed with me to ask Jesus to be my Savior, forgive my sins, and secure eternal life in heaven. Mom says that my life changed after that. I would come and ask forgiveness for being bad. I would pray. I lived differently. Mom viewed October 9, 1991 as a red letter date, and it was.

Because I don't remember the day of my salvation, I have at times doubted my salvation. I have wondered if my prayer was "enough," and if I needed to pray it again. I did pray the "salvation prayer" again at least once, and I also rededicated my life to Christ in my pre-teen years. Through it all, God was and has been constant. He has been my rock in the storm, my light in the dark, and my hope amidst the hard.

Though I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, I didn't really worry about dying until I got what I refer to as the "death plague" while in graduate school. It was a stomach flu that lasted a week, taking me to the ER and leaving me so weak I could barely walk. I literally prayed for God to take me home that week, and for the first time, I really felt confident in my salvation. Thank goodness God didn't take me home, and I am still here, but I was ready.

Believing in Jesus doesn't necessarily make my life easier. In fact, sometimes it makes things harder, because I know how good God created life to be, and how bad it often feels. But I believe in Jesus anyway, not as a crutch, but as The Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). Because without Jesus I have NO life.

So here's to 27 years of the gift of life eternal, and to many more should the Lord see fit. Thank you, Jesus.

Filling My Heart

I told someone recently that it's been a rough several years. It is not that my life is bad. In fact, I am very blessed. I have a job and a home and family and friends. But emotionally, life been tough. There have been a lot of highs and lows and everything in between. Sometimes I just feel emotionally beat up and bruised and don't know how to recover.

I've been telling myself lately that I need to find a life. It's not that I don't have a life, but that I need to be more diligent in trying to things to do other than sleep, eat, work, and repeat. And the things I choose to do need to be sustainable and attainable. They need to help fill my heart so that I have energy and life to live and give. These past few weekends, God has given me the following activities to fill my heart:

1) Hiking: This requires some planning and exertion, but the sun and the effort and the stillness of nature calm my spirits and promote rest in my body.

2) Quality conversation: I don't have a lot of friends here, but when I actually make time for the few I have, it's worth it. Sometimes quality conversation looks getting creative with time differences to schedule a phone date over the distance, too. I don't really need a lot of friends, just quality ones who will be iron sharpening iron and speak truth into my life.

3) Cooking: It's a simple thing, but therapeutic in its own right. It's so fulfilling to chop or knead or stir or bake something into existence. And the eating of the food is enjoyable, too.

Self-care isn't all about activities. Sometimes it's about rest and alone time and quite frankly, plain old isolation or hibernation. But for me, I'm realizing that I need to balance effortless activities with some efforted activities. May God continue to show me the way....

Letting Go

Fall is somewhat of a somber season for me. The length of time the sun shines shortens. The brightness of life fades. I feel tired. But instead of fighting the changes of this season, I am seeking to embrace them. And running head first into Fall means not only embracing change, but also letting things go so change can happen.

I feel like God is asking me to let go of a lot of things in this season of life: my timelines, my expectations, my hopes and dreams, my definition of what it means to live a good life. My life is not bad by any means, but it is hard. I thought I'd be married with a family of my own by this point, or at least living in my own house. I thought I'd have figured out some of the hard stuff. I thought I'd be settled into my job, have friends, by plugged in fully at church, etc. etc. I thought...but God had other plans.

I saw this quote on Instagram the other day and it really resonated with me. God has taken some things away, and allowed other things to fade, but He is still present. And if He is still present, there is beauty. 

My dad likes to say, "It is what it is." My life is what it is. My relationships are what they are. My current possessions are current, and that is all. Sure, I've let a lot go, and I'll probably have to let more go. But this is my life, and I don't want to miss it. 

So if this season both externally and internally means letting go, I'm going to look for beauty. I'm going to embrace the present and try to just be. By God's grace, I can practice stillness, wait on the Lord, and choose joy. 

Perhaps letting go will make space for God to plant new hopes and dreams and desires in my heart. Or perhaps the Lord needs to make room in my life for more of Himself. Both probably need to happen. May the beauty of the Lord shine through this season in either case.

Reflections on Fog (God Knows the Way)

The sun shone in one direction. Clouds shrouded the mountains in the other. As I jogged, I caught glimpses every now and then of blue sky. The clouds would move to cover it, and then move back. And I thought,

Lord, you know the way, even when I don't.
Lord, you know what's before me, even when I can't see it.
Lord, you have a plan, even if it's veiled to my eyes.

Lord, I trust You.

Who Is My Neighbor?

We had a compelling sermon this past week at church. I came away with the question, "Who is my neighbor?" It's a question that's been rattling around in my head for quite some time. I read Bob Goff's book, Everybody Always this summer. And I recently finished Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. Neither book was entirely about neighbors, but they both referenced love and loving the people around us.

My job is to serve people, and I love it and am thankful for it. It is a privilege to walk with and encourage people in their journeys of life, particularly in the hard times. But I've been realizing that my service during the day can come at a cost to my family and friends during the rest of my life. The work I do always comes at a cost to those around me, because it is emotionally taxing and draining. But sometimes work comes at too much of a cost, where I'm putting work before family and friends.

The question, "Who is my neighbor?" for me, therefore, has become less about the general "who" and more about the specific "who." Shauna Niequist writes about the "home team," and encourages readers to really hone in on who that is. Bob Goff writes times and times again about not trying to be Jesus. Jesus is the Savior and Healer and Redeemer, and I'm not it! I'm realizing that part of my issue with work is that I'm trying to do too much, playing medic for the away team while my home team suffers. I need to do the work I'm called to do, but I also need to make time and space for the direct people in my life, the people who are behind and before me in the work I do. Because if I lose my home team, I've got nothing.

So who is my neighbor? Every human being that God has created is my neighbor! But there are some specific neighbors, my family and my close friends, that God calls me to serve in specific ways, and I need to find time and space to do it. By God's grace, may I never step over the bleeding neighbor at my doorstep to be a "savior" to the neighbor far away.