Top Ten of 2018

It's been quite a year, a year of learning and struggling, a year of losing and gaining, a year of struggle and success, a year of sadness and yet some really great joy. So without further ado, here are my top ten blog posts from the year:

Seven "Healthy" Habits I No Longer Practice
Taking the Good With The Bad
Things I'd Like To Lose to Live a Healthier Life
The Bucket List Project
My Lack of a Smile Doesn't Mean I'm Unhappy
Why I Don't Plan to Celebrate Valentine's Day
Fresh 15 Race Weekend + Visit to Family
I Care About Kids...
Living in Limbo
It's My Birthday!

I am not a blogger by profession. My blog is really a passion project, and a way I practice self care. So for those who read posts like these, thank you! I see this blog as a mission field, and I truly hope and pray that what I write speaks to your heart and encourages you.

And in case you want to see my #TopNine from Instagram, here they are:

The Bucket List Project (Re-Cap)

The year of 2018 is almost over, so I probably owe everyone an update on #thebucketlistproject. Let's just say it's been a year! I honestly didn't expect to accomplish my list (which is why I didn't post it originally), but I completed all but one item (#6) on my list, and had a few added blessings along the way. I also did several things on my list more than once. Hooray!

I don't need lists to live, I need Jesus, but having this list did motivate me to live more bravely and courageously. And that's what I needed. By God's grace, I'm trying to actually have a life. Read on for the actual items on my list and pictures to prove I accomplished them!

1) Visit brother and sister-in-law. 
2) Run a 5K with brother and sister-in-law. 
3) Cruise to the Bahamas. 
4) Attend a college friend's wedding. 

5) Hike Hotshots and Journey trails at Granite Mountain Hotshots Memorial State Park 
6) Hike the Grand Canyon. 
-Maybe next year?
7) Hike a new trail in Prescott (x 6). 
-Easter Island Trail
-Quartz Creek Trail
-Boulder Creek Trail 
-Goldwater West 
-Constellation trails 
-Clark Spring 
8) Attend a Diamondbacks game.

9) Get half-way to licensure hours (800/1600).
-Done as of September 2018
10) See a movie in the theater (x 2). 
-Forever My Girl 1/27/18
-I Can Only Imagine 3/24/18
11) Attend the Unshaken conference with Mom. 
12) Run in the Patriot Run. 
-I ran in the Butterfly Run instead.
13) Shop at the mall. 

I bought a pillow at JCPenney. It counts, okay!

14) Buy a new pair of jeans. 

Genetic Denims jeans from Poshmark.

15) Crochet a scarf for brother. 
16) Go on a date with Dad. 
-The Road Show 
17) Try a new cereal. 
-I made one.
-And I tried one.

18) Roast some nuts. 

Candied almonds from Budget Bytes

19) Go ice skating. 

20) Read a non-fiction book (biography). 
-Convicted by Jameel McGee and Andrew Collins 
21) Read a non-fiction book (self-help: x 10). 
-Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst 
-I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown 
-You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado 
-Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado 
-Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
-The Indwelling Life of Christ: All of Him in All of Me by Major W. Ian Thomas 
-Everybody Always by Bob Goff 8/12/18
-Beautifully Interrupted by Tessa Swanstrom Anderson
-Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
22) Read a fiction book (x 3). 
-Brush of Wings by Karen Kingsbury 
-The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers 
-To The Moon and Back by Karen Kingsbury
23) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott.

Spaghetti with spicy meat sauce at La Bruzza's 

24) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott Valley.

Chili rellano and bean burrito at Casa Perez

25) Go to a new restaurant in Chino Valley. 
-Arturo's was part of my bucket list birthday weekend.
26) Go to a King and Country concert (x 2). 
27) Make more family meals (x 13).

My favorite meal was probably the butter chicken and naan I made with my little brother.

28) Sing on the worship team more (x 18). 
29) Memorize more Bible verses.
-Still working on Romans
30) Girls' weekend with my Ohio best friend 
-The cruise counts, right?!?

Here's to 2019 and all the adventures it will entail!

The Co-Existence of Joy and Grief

A lot of good things are happening in my life right now, like really good things. Things I've hoped for, prayed for, and wanted for ages. Things worth celebrating. 

Although I feel a great deal of joy, I've also feel quite a bit of sadness, however. And I don't like it. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's appropriate. Because I think growth into the person God wants me to be involves grief. Grieving my old life and looking forward to the new. Giving up good things in favor of better things. Mourning the comfortable known of the past, and moving into the discomfort of the unknown future. 

I keep waiting for a day where I feel joy exclusive of sadness, but I don't think that's an attainable goal. Rather, I think that joy coexists with grief.  With each season of life comes an accompanying sorrow:

With the joy of adulthood comes the passing of childhood.
With the joy of a steady work comes the loss of flexible time.
With the joy of moving to be close to family comes the loss of those who were like family.
With the joy of marriage comes the surrender of one's individuality.
With the joy of parenting comes the pain of childbirth.
With the joy of a child's growth comes the sorrow of lost innocence.
With the joy of retirement comes the pain of finding a new identity.
With the joy of a loved one's home going to heaven comes the pain of their earthly absence.

Joy and grief. Grief and joy. We wouldn't appreciate what we have so much if it didn't come with some pain.

As we anticipate the coming of a new year, may we all embrace the joys of life along with the grief. May we all believe that grief and joy can co-exist, because if we don't, we may miss out on enjoying the joys of life all together.

Presence is My Gift to Jesus This Year

As I read my Savor devotional about the most important gifts the other morning, I thought about Christmas and what Jesus would want from me this year. The word that immediately came to mind was Presence. I want to be present this year. Present with Jesus. Present with my family and friends and loved ones. Present in the moment. 

I've been trying to cultivate little moments of presence and preparation for Christmas throughout the week, but it's hard. Life is busy. Work is busy. It seems like there are always a thousand things to do, but life is about choices and priorities. We can always make choices to prioritize what's important.

Jesus coming as a baby in a manger was about relationship. It was about God condescending to man to bring the light of a perfect baby into a dark, dark world. It was about Mary receiving what God had for her. It was about Mary's betrothed Joseph supporting her in what seemed like an impossible mission to raise the Son of God.

So in celebration of Christmas, I started trying to do one thing a day to cultivate celebration. (I've posted about that on Instagram.) Some things were little, like using a Christmas hot pad. 

Some were bigger, like an art project I did with a group at work and didn't necessarily want to finish, but did.

But what I tried, by God's grace, to prioritize were relationships and serving those around me: I got to make dinner for my family Saturday night. 

We slowed down to go for a walk to look at lights.

I've been trying to hold my schedule a little more loosely so that I have time to spend with people I love. 

As I consider Jesus coming into the world as the Light of lights, I realize that relationships are what really matter. May I be present in them for this season, and beyond, for the way I live my life daily is a year-long celebration of what Christ did for me by coming to earth at Christmas and then dying on the cross at Calvary.

Timelines

Our pastor preached a sermon a few weeks ago about timelines. Really, the sermon was about Jesus and how His birth and life and death happened perfectly, maybe not according to man's timeline, but according to God's. The pastor stated, "Everything on God's timeline will come to pass," and that got me thinking.

I stress so much about the future. I worry about tomorrow, next month, and next year. It's not an admirable trait, but rather a true struggle for me. Lately, I've found myself worrying even more about things I thought I'd decided to let go, like a house. Life is pretty good, and I don't have any major worries, so my brain seems to have decided to go back to worrying about things I don't need to worry about. I'm convinced it's a tactic of Satan to steal the joy of the present moment, too. By Jesus' power, I refuse to let him do that. 

"Everything on God's timeline will come to pass."

That means:

If I'm supposed to have a house, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get my counseling license, it will happen.

If my work schedule is supposed to stabilize, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get married someday, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to have a family of my own, it will happen.

If I need more education, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to...it will happen.

I believe the the truth written in the Bible that says "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29). Therefore, I have to trust that the things on God's timeline for my life will take place, and that anything that doesn't happen wasn't supposed to happen. But I also have to acknowledge that those those things on the timeline might not happen in the order I think they should, because this life is God's, not my own.

So friends, are you waiting? Waiting for a promotion? Waiting for that job change? Waiting for a life partner? Waiting for a child? Waiting to be where you think you should be? Everything on God's timeline will happen. Believe it. Trust it. Rest in it. 

May we together live in the now and not in the not yet.

Too Much

I can be a bit of a firecracker sometimes. I'm an oldest child. I have a Type A personality. I'm stubborn and hard-headed. And I have a lot of strong preferences.

Sometimes I worry that my personality is too much. I think I should be more soft and demure. More docile or tame and less opinionated. But then I realize that I really can't be. I have a fiesty nature. That's just who I am, and to change that would be to change the person God made me to be.

There is certainly a time and place for being polite and respectful, for withholding. I never want to purposefully offend people with my personality. And I don't want to camp on my opinions and preferences to the point that I'm ridiculously inflexible. I don't want to be rude or prideful or selfish. But I don't want to be fake, either.

More and more, God is revealing to me who I am and what I am about. That allows me to be more assertive in expressing my preferences, more firm with my boundaries, and more sure with my "Yes" or "No." And in a lot of ways, that is freeing.

So if I've offended you in something I've done, please tell me and let's talk about it. Maybe I need to change, or learn to be more soft in my authenticity. But if my personality offends you because it's too much, maybe we need to have a surface level, respectfully tolerant relationship and let the rest go.

And on the flip side, if I invest in you, know I'm trying, by God's grace, to living an authentic life. I'm quirky and weird and full of it sometimes, but that's me. What you see is what you get, and if I share with you, it's honest, and intentionally real. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Too much? Maybe. But this is the too much God has given me. And He's in control.

Don't Judge My Jeans (Or Whatever Pants I'm Wearing)

I didn't wear jeans until around fifth grade. I didn't like the way they fit or felt. I started wearing jeans when I moved to Arizona and was made fun of incessantly for my stretchy pants. I had a love/hate relationship with jeans shopping. I had to wear cowboy Wranglers for awhile to get them long enough. Later, I paid too much for Calvin Klein jeans that fit, but quickly ripped. I found some St. John's Bay jeans that fit for awhile, but then JC Penney stopped selling them. My last pairs of jeans were hand-me-downs from my Arkansas best friend. I outgrew one pair and the other is only good for winter. I told myself to look for new jeans and I occasionally did, but I didn't buy any last year. And I didn't for most of this year.

So what did I buy? Yoga pants and legging. They're not for everybody or every job, but they work for me. I spend a lot of my work days playing with kids. My body is constantly changing and fluctuating in size and yoga pants will fit most of the time. Yoga pants are cheaper and easier to clean than jeans anyway. And I can buy multiple pairs for the price of one pair of jeans. It seems like a win to me. And it feels more authentic.

Clothes are so much of a status symbol. And I'm not saying I'm immune. But what I am advocating for is more acceptance. Please don't judge me or the person next to me based on our pants (or our pant sizes!). You never know why a person wears what the clothes they wear. Those clothes might be all they have. Those clothes might be medically or job necessitated. Those clothes might be a marker of that person trying to accept their body. Those clothes might be just for comfort in a stormy season of life. Whatever the case, don't judge.

Side note: I did finally buy one pair of jeans. They're the same brand as my best friend hand-me downs, but decidedly shortly. They work with boots, so for this season, they'll do....

Shades of Gray

I'm so tired of the polarization of society. I'm so tired of hearing people labeled as saints or Satan. Seriously! Can't we see that life exists in shades of gray? People are not all good or all bad! We are all created in the image of God, and all of our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9).

If I channel my Brene Brown and reflect on her book Braving the Wilderness, I'd say that the root issue of this polarization of society is fear. It's easier to pigeonhole people and label them than it is to accept that people are fallible, that they might disagree with us, that we might disagree with them. It is easier to see people as stagnant than as capable of growth, because then we might have to grow. 

Truth always exists, and there is a place for confronting lies and telling things like they are. But seriously, can we not let some things go?  I'm not saying we all have to agree. I just wish we could all get along and have some grace and appreciation of one another and our differences. I wish we could be authentic and genuine with one another without fear of recoil or backlash or getting sued for goodness' sake!

As a former black-and-whiter, I still have strong beliefs and preferences, especially when it comes to my faith in Jesus for salvation. But I don't want a Bible-basher, a polarizer, a labeler, a pigeon-holer. Rather, I want to see people as the intricately wonderfully created people they are, people capable of good and evil, people capable of growth and change and redemption. 

I know who I am. I know Whose I am. I don't need to be afraid. Because of that, I'm making an effort to see people in shades of gray,and the world in shades of color, for much of the beauty of life lies there.

Little Things

Acts of service and words of affirmation are my love languages. Or at least that's what the test said. But I've also realized that there are a lot of little things that matter to me, make me feel loved, and bring me joy. Some are about people doing things for me, and some are just about enjoying life. In no particular order of importance, here are a few of those:

Like handwritten notes

And apples

And unloaded dishwashers.

Like candles

And dark cocoa powder

And sturdy spoons

And sunshine.

Like coupon cutting 

And warm cups of tea

And soft blankets.

Like shining stars in the black night sky

And flashes of insight

And hugs from friends.

God is good. Life is good.

If I just appreciate the little things. When I appreciate the little things.

Good Enough

Coming home has been healing in a lot of ways. And the Spirit, by His grace, has revealed a lot of areas that I didn't even recognize needed healing. My mom the other day pointed out that it seems like the "real me" is coming out again, and I would have to agree.

It's been a long road for me to get here, one that I haven't ever shared all at once, and one I don't even know if I ever could. But I'll share that part of that road has been an obsessive focus on pleasing others. I never felt like I was good enough, and therefore I was always striving to perform, to achieve, to perfect. And it was exhausting. I didn't always even want to be better than others, I just wanted to be better. And specifically, I wanted to please my parents and prove to them that I was worthy of their love. Because I thought I wasn't.

I didn't realize the cost of my perfection until I graduated with my bachelor's degree, in three years, Summa Cum Laude (a GPA related honor). And my Dad said, "You sacrificed all that for this?" I thought my parents knew my GPA. I guess I assumed they'd been tracking it. I thought they cared. And guess what? My dad didn't know or care. My dad was more concerned with my physical and mental health, which was tenuous at best.

That moment was a wake up call. I'd thought all my life that I needed to impress my parents. And now that I had, I found out that what I'd done didn't really matter. And the longer I've been back at home, the more I've realized that the stringent expectations I had for myself growing up weren't my parent's expectations. They were mine. I was the one always trying to prove things. I was the one believing I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't loved. Guess what? I was loved all along.

So I'm starting to relax the expectations I have for myself. I'm starting to accept and acknowledge the love my parents have for me. I've stopped trying to be good enough and just started trying, by the Spirit's power, to do good, to see that life is good. It's been freeing.

Friends, do you believe that you are good enough? That God loves you just the way you are? Because He does. And Jesus gave His life to set you free. May you run towards that freedom today.

The Many Boots of Sarah

I've been trying to appreciate the seasons more, even if their changes are a little bit hard for me. One of the ways I've been doing that is via boots. 

Wait, boots? You might ask.

Yes, boots. My job is such that I wear tennis shoes almost every day. But I like boots and have quite a collection of them. And as it gets colder, boots are more appropriate footwear. So I set out on a mission to wear a new pair of boots every Sunday. And I took pictures to document.

Leather cowboy boots

Tall boots (Similar to these, but without the heel)

Sneaker boots

Pirate boots (Similar to these, but in pleather, not leather, and much lower quality)

Leather boots*

Fuzzy boots*

Suede cowboy boots*

Heeled boots*

Eskimo boots (Similar to these, but with external fur, and bought for me almost 10 years ago)

*These boots weren't all mine. The asterisked ones are my mom's.

Maybe this was a silly project, but you know what? It helped. It gave me something to look forward to. It inspired me to mix up my wardrobe a little bit since I didn't want to wear the same outfit twice for pictures. I actually got excited about the cold the last Sunday, because it made it comfortable to wear my last pair of boots, which were very warm. It's the little things sometimes, and I enjoyed this little (or big?) project.

And no, I don't need more pairs of boots. I've obviously got enough....

Ugly.

I generally try to present my best self on social media. I prefer pictures where my hair looks at least half done, makeup covers my blemishes, and I'm smiling. But that's not real life, friends. Some days, plenty of days, I barely comb my hair, have a face covered in acne, and am still wearing PJs or workout clothes by midday. I wouldn't say those things make me ugly, though. What makes me ugly is my heart.

People often think I'm a "nice girl" or a "goody two shoe" because I'm a rule follower. But guess what? My heart can be evil and wicked. I envy. I wish harm to people. I gripe. I moan. I discourage. I don't pray. I grasp for control. I worry. I curse. People don't always know all this, because these things generally happen inside me, but these sins are ugly. And often I act ugly. I have a short temper. I get easily irritated. I speak unkindly. I'm pessimistic. I'm not  or good company.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (New International Version) That is certainly true of my heart without Jesus. It is only because of Jesus and the redeeming work of the Holy Spirit that there is anything good in me. It is only because of being in Christ that I am metamorphosing into a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). 

I do want to be beautiful. Let's be honest, I want to be beautiful on the outside, but I recognize that is only superficial. What the Spirit within me desires is that I cultivate inner beauty, because that is what lasts. And so in a spiritual sense, I also want to be beautiful, to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" instead of worry and envy and discontent, to be brave and "not give way to fear" (1 Pet 3:4, 6). Because as I do these things, the ugliness of my heart fades, allowing the beauty of the Spirit to shine. And that is true beauty, a kind of beauty that lasts!

Calm

I went to a presentation of Handel's Messiah this weekend. Handel's Messiah has special importance to our family because it's based on Scripture and part of my mom's family Christmas tradition. The performance is special to Arizona because it only comes to our community college in Arizona every few years. I first attended on a random trip home, and I've been back several times since then.

Sometimes, I'm impressed by the presentation of the oratorio. Sometimes, I like the tympani or the horns or the strings. Sometimes the vocalists are amazing, and sometimes not so. Sometimes it's the glitz and glam that strikes me. Sometimes it's the size of the choice. But this weekend, what struck me was the calm.

The calm. It's very rare that I ever sit down for two hours straight and just relax. To be honest, it was a little hard for me to relax in the beginning. I had the program in my lap and was tracking the songs, and it seemed to be taking forever. I had the impulse to grab my phone out of my pocket and take pictures at several points, but I didn't want to be that person disrupting the dark by using a lit device. My jaw kept getting tight and I had to purposefully unclench it. But then at some point, I just let it all go, and I got relaxed, and calm, and sleepy.

Shauna Niequist writes in her devotional Savor about seasons of tiredness, when we get in such a habit of being productive, that we lose our ability to slow down. We consume all the time, and never stop. I think that has been me lately. But the Messiah forced me to slow down, to watch, to wait, to enjoy.

The experience of slowing down took time this weekend. Enjoying the Messiah took effort. But it was worth it. Getting calm is a practice, it seems, and one I probably need to practice more often.