Top Ten of 2020

Well, without further ado, here's the traditional year-end wrap-up post....

(My top nine from Instagram)

The top ten blog posts according to Facebook (where most viewers seem to read):

Real Life Marriage Anger 
Real Life Marriage: Things I Never Expected 
Real Life Marriage: This is Us 
Reframing our View of Money
There is enough 
Real Life Marriage: Date Your Spouse
Staycation: Quarantine Style
Masks and Me
Meaningful 
The Other Shoe 

And the top ten blog posts viewed on the actual blog:

Don't Envy My Body 
To All My Single Sisters
My Mother's Legacy
Masks and Me
Simple Summer Suppers
When My Heart Doesn't Believe
Real Life Marriage: Fair Doesn't Mean Equal
Unilateral Decisions
Real Life Marriage: Date Your Spouse
Real Life Marriage: My Identity is in Him
Staycation: Quarantine Style
Reframing our View of Money
The Best Snack Ever

Metrics aren't everything, but it seems you readers like love love, so as long as I can write about it from a place of honesty and transparency and it's beneficial, I will continue to do so.

So long, 2020, and see you in 2021!

Three Things That Got Me Through

As I reflect over this past year, I recognize many things I did wrong. Many ways I failed. Many things I could have done better. And I also see things that worked. Things that mattered. Things that gave life meaning. Among these were:

1) Sally's Baking Challenges: Something "silly" I picked up, but stubbornly managed to make my way through each month. The challenge instructions were sufficient to ensure sufficient success, and the completion of each challenge gave me a sense of confidence. The baking recipes also provided me with goodies to share with my neighbors, an "excuse" to form connections even while social distancing was the norm.

2) Hiking: I have written many times about the benefits of hiking. Hiking took on special value this spring and summer, however. At the height of the pandemic, it was one thing I could still do. Something that gave me a sense of accomplishment. Something that tired my body while helping my mind rest. An occasional way to connect with others, even if walking spaced apart and/or with masks. I started hiking more regularly when I realized the consequences to my mental health when I didn't do it. Meltdowns. More burnout. Less processing. As Abby Cannon stated in her episode of the Just the Good Stuff podcast, sometimes what we need is not more professional therapy, but more therapeutic activity (yoga for her). Hiking was that for me.

3) Blogging about marriage: Suffering is easier to endure when it has a purpose. Don't get me wrong; marriage is an incredible gift. This last year has been extremely difficult, however, in marriage and beyond. Being able to write and share about what God is teaching me has made it easier. Having people who read made my struggles feel more purposeful. And finding purpose in the struggle provided me with courage to endure.

What about you, readers? If you had to list three things you've taken away from this year, what would they be? What habits give meaning and purpose to your existence? What traditions or routines do you hope to carry from 2020 into 2021? I've listed mine above. Please share yours in the comment section below.

Three Reasons Why Happiness Is Hard

I used to think that happiness came easily, without effort. In fact, I think I defined happiness by its unwilled nature. But is that truly the case? Does happiness always come without work? I've come to believe lately that happiness is often hard. Here are three reasons why:

1) Sometimes our brains don't have what they need. Happiness requires both an activating event and a brain response. Sometimes our brains don't have what it takes to respond in a way that makes us feel happy, that is, the chemicals that happy antecedents should trigger don't come. This is why I personally believe that medication is sometimes necessary. Sometimes our brains need help to work the way that God-intended. Taking medication can have its own side effects, though. It can be hard, especially is a culture that still casts shame on mental health struggles. But the hard of medication, short- or long-term may be what is required to actually feel happy.

2) Happiness itself can bring with it feelings of guilt. In the midst of hard times, it can feel bad, even wrong to have happiness. When loved ones die, when people are in, when we are in the midst of a pandemic, happiness feels out of place. I think that's one of the reasons God gave us happiness, though, to sustain us in times of trial. It is hard to let happiness come when it feels like all we should feel is pain, but we should let it, because it may be that happiness that gets us through.

3) Fear can come in tow. It can be scary to feel happiness, because if we let ourselves have it, we acknowledge that we may soon not have it. Some of us would rather live in the expected hard than cope with the pain that comes from the ebb and flow of happiness. There isn't really a fix here, other than to acknowledge the fear and feel happy anyway. To live in fear is no way to live.

Is happiness worth it? Yes, I think it is. But happiness is also hard. I think if we acknowledged that, we might work a little more to achieve happiness, and in so doing, increase our appreciation of it.

Marriage Misnomers: Let Things Go.

The joining of two lives in marriage can cause some friction and even conflict. Some people will tell you to let things go. That's all well and good, but after I let so many things go, I start to feel bitter and resentful about what I am losing. I feel better better when I decide to give some things up. Letting go is passive. Giving up is active.

Take for instance, cooking. I would like to be good at things like bread baking and pancake flipping. I am not, and my husband is. I can try to compete with him. I can try to dissuade him from practicing his gifts. Or I can give some things up and wholeheartedly endorse the areas where he shines. Which is better for our marriage? The answer is pretty clear.

I don't have a lot of time. Sometimes my husband asks me to do things when I have other things still on my list to do. I can let go of my things and do his, but then I feel bereft. I grasp at what I left. If I willfully decide to give up what I want to do, it's gone. I have made a sacrifice for our marriage and though it may hurt, it doesn't leave behind as many hurt feelings.

I want to have the right answers. Sometimes I get defensive and argue with my husband because I want to be right. I can let go of what I think and believe whatever he says, but sometimes that feels like abandoning myself. If I give up my need to be right and instead choose to close my mouth and agree to disagree, things go better.

Letting things go? Maybe that's sometimes the answer. But in marriage, I think it's better to give things up. Giving up is active. It's intentional. It's purposeful. After all, isn't the point of marriage to give up your life to make a new life, and in that way image Christ? And isn't His giving up His life the best gift of all? He didn't let go. He willingly gave. ALL. And we should follow in His steps.

Dumpster Fire

A good friend of mine dubbed year 2020, especially this end of it, a "dumpster fire." I have to say I agree. The sociopolitical, economic, even physical climate of the world is pretty stinky right now. Crises just keep coming, getting worse, even. Merriam Webster defines dumpster fire as, "an utterly calamitous or mismanaged situation or occurrence." "Utterly" seems like an absolute word, and maybe not all of 2020 was bad. People may argue about how everything has been handled, but I am sure I could not have managed all these crises any better. So yeah, "dumpster fire" is a pretty good way to describe 2020. 

My friend and I cannot be alone in the way we feel about 2020. In searching for 2020 Christmas ornaments, my husband and I actually found a dumpster fire one. (Yes, we sent the ornament to the friend who first used the term.) It led me to research the term and think more about specific analogies between this year and the fire. A dumpster fire has a putrid stench as it burns the refuse within. Like a dumpster fire, negative news has started to make life smell pretty bad. That stench can color the whole of my day. If I want to avoid that, I have to avoid the area. Similarly, dumpster fire smoke clogs the air, making it hard to see and breathe. COVID and political stress are the same, seeming to infiltrate almost every interaction I have. These, along with other things, have made it hard for me to focus on joy and celebration. A dumpster fire is often difficult to put out because of both its location and its contents, but it's important to put out for the same reasons. And maybe that is where the analogy breaks down. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been running around trying to put out fires for most of the year, and it's not working. I'm exhausted. I'm testy and irritable and anxious. I am starting to wonder if continuing to try to put out this dumpster fire of a year is the best idea.

Dumpster fires burn up some bad stuff. This year has had plenty: COVID, racial injustice, death, and political unrest. I've tried to remain positive, control the burn. Maybe it's time to let the year burn, because some things need to burn so we can be rid of them. Also, I am not a firefighter. As long as the fire is burning in the dumpster and the owners know, it's not mine to manage. Maybe I just need to leave the issues alone, care about the people, yet not try to put out other people's (or society's!) fires. I enough have trash to root out of my own life. Maybe I need to focus on that.

Positivity has its place, but so does sorrow and grief and even (healthy) anger. This year has held a lot of those. So feel your feelings, friends. Acknowledge the fires. Throw into the dumpster what needs to burn and then put it behind you. The year might be a dumpster fire, but life is so much greater than a year, and we need eyes to see it.

Marriage Misnomers: Holy Not Happy

 "Marriage is to make you holy, not happy." A paraphrase from Gary Thomas', I heard this time and time again leading up to marriage. I even read the book (Sacred Marriage) from which the quote was taken. But I didn't fully agree. I still don't fully agree. Marriage is hard. It has a sanctifying effect, sure, but I'm convinced it doesn't exclude happiness. Maybe I'm going out on a limb, but I'm going to say that if your marriage doesn't bring you happiness, there is a problem.

We live in the 21st century, a time and a place where we have the privilege of choosing our spouses. We choose our spouses because of attraction, because of love, because of compatibility. One of my greatest joys in life is doing life with my husband: adventuring, cooking, paying bills, even going shopping. (Yes, these same activities also bring sanctification.) I mourn for my brothers and sisters who want to experience this happiness, but have not yet been granted its gift. Marriage provides opportunities for future joy, too: in celebration, in dating, in intimacy, in laughter. The author of Proverbs realized that when he wrote, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, New International Version [NIV]). Is there hard stuff? Sure. But if the hard stuff eclipses happiness all the time, that might be a sign that your marriage is not in the right place.

Marriage accelerates growth. We need to weigh that fact, consider it, and take it to heart before we get married. When we get married, we need to be aware of the attacks that will come against our marriages. We need to work at at marriages lest they stagnate. We need to be holy because first and foremost, marriage honors God. But we must not forsake joy and happiness, because God is Joy. Happiness helps keep our marriages healthy, and healthy marriages image God.

Marriage is to make us not only happy, but also holy. Marriage is to make us not only holy, but also more joy-filled. Marriage can make us holy and happy. I think that's a better way to put it.

Real Life Marriage: Doing it All Wrong

Do you ever have times when you feel like you're doing it all wrong? Well I have been undergoing one of those epiphanies in my marriage this past year. I've been really struggling emotionally. My struggles have been amplified by the guilt I feel for subjecting my husband to the pain of "my" stuff. He has been more than gracious, but I still feel bad. As a result, I was trying to do more of my day-to-day tasks alone, and more other tasks for him to "atone" for my moods. I wasn't doing very well at it, but I was trying. And things were getting worse.

I listen to podcasts on my commutes to and from work sometimes, and one night, one comment completely halted me in my tracks. "Walking in autonomy is not only dangerous for your marriage, it is also sin. Our relationship with Christ cannot be separate from our relationship with other believers." Full stop. I was trying to "save" my marriage by being more independent, by learning to deal with my feelings alone. And I was sinning. That was not going to help my marriage.

My husband and I talk a lot about team, and after that commute home, I decided I needed to listen. My husband and I were independent for longer than we have been dependent, or perhaps better said, interdependent, as part of marriage. That means teamwork takes...work. Teamwork requires me to ask for and receive help. Teamwork requires me to actually share what is going on in my heart and mind, even I fear it may upset my husband. As he has been reminding me, my stuff is his stuff our stuff. Even when I try to go it alone, I affect us, but we are two that have become one through marriage.

I have realized, too, that trying to operate independently violates God's best for reasons beyond interdependence with my husband. When I try to operate alone, I sin by not submitting to my husband's leadership. I sin by robbing my husband of opportunities to fulfill opportunities for him to function in the role God gave Him as head of our family. Walking in autonomy is therefore not only separating me from the believer God gave me in my husband, but separating me from God's created order in the world.

I thought that I was trying to fix the wrong in my life and marriage by going it alone. I thought that it might be best for my husband and for me. That, in fact, was the wrong way to go about things. I am made for community and fellowship. I need other people to live in line with God's created order. God has given me the special blessing of doing life in unity with another person through marriage and I don't want to squander that opportunity. I've been doing it all wrong, but now that I see the right way, I hope I walk in it. 

Marriage Misnomers: There is No "I" in Team.

"There is no, 'I,' in 'team,' or so the saying goes. Team is a "we," not a "me," identity, so on the surface, this makes sense. But how do you get from, "me" to ,"we?" I'm convinced it takes time.

Team identity requires shared experiences. Team identity requires shared emotions: joy, elation, loss, hardship. Team requires joint failure and joint recovery and resilience. Team requires delegation and trust. Team requires a person to give of himself or herself.

There is no, "I" in "team," but there is an "I" in time. Time requires that I give up some of "my" things for "us" things. Time requires that I sacrifice some of what I want for what my spouses wants. Time requires that I let go and cede some of my tasks and responsibilities. Time requires that I give sacrificially of myself so that we can form a joint identity.

Time is not my primary love language. I prefer to show my love through acts of service. When it comes to forming our team identity in marriage, though, time is where it's at. The more intentional time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let "we" replace "me." The more time we spend together, the deeper our marital bond grows. The more time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let my "i"dentity become one based on unity. There is no, "I" in team, but there is an "I" in time. The more "I" give, the more, "we" get.

Celebration

Those that follow me on Instagram may have noticed something different about November. I posted every day. If you didn't catch the theme, the posts may have seemed random. And they were, but with intention. Using the National Day Calendar, I found something to celebrate every day. Silly at times? Yes! Needed? Yes! In this season of days without end, I needed something to mark my days. I also needed to flex my happiness muscles. 

I'm no brain scientist, but I do have a degree in behavioral health. In my personal and professional experience, I have realized that we need not only the chemicals in our brain to produce happiness (which is why I think that sometimes anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs are needed), but also need to have the experiences that give those good brain chemicals chances to work. I was running low on at least the latter, and I needed to change that.

I had grown weary in trying to celebrate life. I would make plans to celebrate and then let them go, giving the excuse that I was too tired and weary. Celebration just seemed like a stressor. And in a way, it was. But it was a good stress, a stress I needed to feel happy.

The early days of November came with some struggle to get to my daily celebration. I just wanted to give up, but my commitment to celebrating and posting about it kept me going. (I honestly put celebration Instagram post on my daily to-do list.) Some days were a stretch. Some days, I celebrated late, but I made it through.

Do I feel happier? No, not necessarily, but I know I gave myself a chance. I also gave myself a task to work at and complete. That alone helped my brain at least a little. Will I continue? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I need to keep working at celebration, as it does not always come easily or naturally. And does anything good come steadily and easily? I'm beginning to wonder if it does. Maybe work is part of the process of celebration.

Wanna Play?

Happy December!

In honor of this last month of 2020 (ready, already?), I made myself a type of bucket list. And since I'm in a bingo phase, I made the list in board form.

Wanna play? (Right click the photo above to open in a new tab and print.) Many of the activities are Christmas-related. Some may be more personal to me. My goal is to cross off as many squares as I can (e.g. "blackout bingo"), but feel free to play as you wish. And tag me on Facebook or Instagram if you do so I can follow along.

25 Christmas Conversation Starters

I'm trying to start a new tradition this year: doing something each day to get in the Spirit of Christmas. Time and money aren't always accessible, but we can talk about Christmas. To that extent, here are 25 questions to get you started. I plan to use these at family dinner, but please feel free to use as you see fit.

1. What is one Christmas food that is overrated?
2. Tell about a gift you were surprised to receive.
3. Tell about a time you were excited to give a gift to someone else.
4. Recall a time you were stunned by a display of Christmas lights.
5. Recount when you learned “the true meaning of Christmas.”
6. Reflect on whether or not you ever believed in Santa.
7. Retell a fond Christmas memory.
8. Have you ever experienced a white Christmas? If no, would you want to? If yes, when.
9. Tell the story of an awkward experience at a Christmas party.
10. Describe a Christmas performance you attended and enjoyed.
11. Name your least favorite Christmas song and tell why.
12. Tell your favorite Christmas carol.
13. Talk about how you have celebrated Advent in the past. If you have not celebrated, discuss how you will make room in your heart for Jesus this year.
14. Describe the Christmas trees you had in your house growing up.
15. Recall a Christmas parade you attended.
16. What Christmas treat makes you salivate?
17. When did your family open gifts, on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Describe that experience.
18. Did your family make a traditional Christmas dinner? If so, what was it?
19. What members of your extended family, if any, did you see at Christmas?
20. What is your favorite color and style of Christmas lights?
21. Describe any traditions you had around celebrating Christmas.
22. Where would you go for Christmas if you could choose anywhere?
23. Who is it important for you to talk to around the holidays?
24. Do you have any Christmas traditions with friends?
25. What was special about this Christmas?

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What questions should I add to this list?

How are you and your family celebrating Christmas?

Please feel free to share in the comments.