Top Ten of 2021

Well, it's that time again, time to wrap up the year. I always find it interesting what and where people read. Most people read on Facebook, and these were the posts with the most reach (in descending order, from greatest to least):

When Fun Isn't Fun Anymore
Payson Vacation
Afghan #65
Afghans 61 and 62
Real Life Marriage: Keeping My Marriage
Best Books of 2020
33.
Real Life Marriage: When the "Stuff" Comes Up
I Need Him.
Real Life Marriage: Deciding Versus Sliding

On my blog itself, the posts visited most often were (in descending order, from greatest to least):

Yoga Revolution (Yoga with Adriene) Review
The Three E's of Trauma
A Review of Yoga Fix 30
I Need Him.
Good Communication: Self-Aware and Selfless
The Importance of Parental Support for Marriage
The Strong Woman
Self Care is My Responsibility
When the Weight is Too Great to Bear
Marriage, Year Two: The Highs

Interesting that "I Need Him" is the only crossover post. And apparently my top posts are still from previous years. Oh well.

I hope you all enjoyed reading, and see you next year.

P.S. If you have a favorite post from the year, please feel free to share in the comments section. Thanks!

Afghan 67

Another one hit the post office!

This blanket is from another pattern off the 20 baby blankets list from which I have been working. Knitting with Chopsticks specified using an additional color (gray), but I did not have it, so I doubled up on the Red Heart spring green. I also used Mainstays white and pink. The bead and bubble stitch were new to me. (I had to re-read the instructions every time I came to a row of them!). They gave the blanket nice texture, I think. I started this blanket around Fourth of July and thought it looked like a watermelon. I gave it to a baby set to come Christmas Eve, so the green and pink seem like a riff on Christmas colors. Maybe this is an anytime blanket!

The size of this blanket seemed larger to me. Mine measured 34 by 55 inches, with 115 total rows. (The author of the pattern measured her blanket at 41.25 by 51.25 inches.) I used my ergonomic J hook for this blanket. It is pretty much the only hook I use, and it works great! I am just thankful I can still crochet and keep crossing blankets off my list!

The Paradox of Christmas

Christmas is a paradox. I have not really thought about it much until this year. This year, the pain of the season has come with a vengeance, and more because of external pain rather than person pain. Friends have lots babies. Friends have lost parents and grandparents. Loved ones have loved ones who are gravely ill. Pets are lost and dying. I have felt bodily pain from ongoing health issues and a few procedures. Isn't this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Because this year, it certainly isn't.

Christmas brings up many feelings. For those with intact families, it brings up special memories and the chance to relive them. For those separated from their families by death or by choices (either theirs, or those of their family), it brings up pain. For families with good boundaries and the ability to enforce them, it brings closeness and warmth. For others, the stress of the season leads to more arguing and bickering and fighting. Or maybe the season brings such a mixture of feelings that it is difficult to delineate between them. Some would rather skip over the season than feel such overwhelm.

As I ponder what Christmas means, though, I think about Jesus. Born as a baby, but still perfectly God, he had to know that he would one day die. How did that affect him? What about Mary? She knew that her baby was God. Simeon prophesied to her, "'And a sword will pierce your own soul too'" (Luke 2:35, NIV). Did she know what that meant? She gave birth to Jesus in pain. Then she lived through the pain of watching him grow up and be crucified. How did she manage?

What about the people of Bethlehem and its vicinity? They lost all their sons two years and younger because of Herod's fear of Jesus becoming greater than him, and subsequent wrath (Matthew 2:16). That had to be exceedingly painful!

Christmas is a paradox, in so many ways. Some years just bring that to light more than others. The paradox of Christmas is eternal, though. Christ come to earth as a baby to die for our sins. Hope, and a reminder that we are hopeless on our own. Life and a reminder that all of us are doomed for death. We cannot have the one without the other. As I, and many others, struggle with pain this Christmas, may we remember Jesus' pain, and that because of Jesus' pain, sorrow does not last forever. Sorrow "may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Ps 30:5, KJV). Either in the morning of a future day or future time, or in the forever morning of living with Jesus in heaven forever.

Merry Christmas to all, in whatever season you may be. Know you are loved, by us, and by the eternal God!

Savor

The breath caught in my throat. It almost hurt. I saw the lights in the windows. I saw the decorations, but I was glued to my phone, trying to cram in my readings for the day, reviewing my to-do list, adding items to the grocer order, walking quickly because I was already late. I just want to enjoy this season, yet it is flying by. I want to stay, linger, stand and stare. Revel in the beauty, but just like that morning, for the most part, I am not. I'm rushing, flying around like there is no tomorrow. There may, in fact, be no tomorrow. We're not promised it. Isn't that more reason to rest, relish, enjoy today? It hasn't been for me. It has been one more reason to get things done, to hurry and scurry so maybe, just maybe, if there is a tomorrow, and tomorrow is less busy, I will get the chance to rest. That chance never comes, though. The time I find, I fill, because I live in scarcity. It is not a good way to live.

I have already given up many things this season: baking plans, event attendance, etc. I have not even listened to Handel's Messiah, which is a family tradition. We got our Christmas cards out late. We used labels rather than hand-addressing (and let's be honest, cards went out mostly because my husband made the labels and put on most of them). I have "wrapped" most gifts in bags. My husband and I chose not to exchange gifts this year. Still, the season is crazy.

Believers have a saying, "Keep Christ in Christmas." What is left when we take Christ out? Mas, the Spanish word for more. I feel like that has become what Christmas is about: more. More events. More gifts. More cards. More. More. More. The simple beauty of the season gets lost.

I cannot fix my scarcity mentality overnight. In reality, there is still a lot to do. For the remaining time until Christmas, though, I am trying to savor what I can: the lights, the sights, the songs. I double back on my walking route to see the store window decorations downtown for a second time. I actually look in the windows. We keep the Christmas lights burning in our tree to whatever hour we stay up. I take lots of pictures. The season is flying by, but I can still savor it, or at least little bits of it. This I seek to do, not from a place of scarcity, of worrying about losing the season, but from a place of enjoyment. This season really is beautiful, and worth soaking in.

In Defense of the Traditional Female Gender Role

If you would have told me I'd be saying this a few years ago, I would have said, "No way." If you would have told me I'd be married even a few years ago, I would have said, "Nah." But things change. People change. And so while what I'm about to write may shock a few people, it's a result of the above mentioned ability to change. And this is it: Maybe a woman's place really is at home.

I always railed against the idea of the domestic housewife. I wanted to do more. Be more. I felt that being "just" a housewife was menial, demeaning. I subscribed to the biblical idea of complimentarian gender roles, in that I needed to submit to men in leadership, and a husband if I ever had one, but thought I could do that and be an aspiring career woman. Well that changed.

I returned to my full-time (plus!) job just two weeks after my husband and I got married. I attempted to keep the same pace and focus, but things just weren't the same. I wanted to work, wanted to help, but also wanted to be home to care for my husband. I felt very guilty when I got home after him or had to have him make dinner because I was late. He was totally willing to help cook when he could, but I felt that as a wife, cooking was my job.

I had career aspirations, things I wanted to do and accomplish. I still have them, kind of. I have things I want to do and explore. I like learning. All pales in comparison to wanting to be a good wife, though. Career takes at least second place, if not third or fourth or lower.

My husband has taken on some of the household chores as we've been married longer. He says it's only fair if he has time and I'm working full-time. That makes sense, but marriage isn't all about fairness. I know that household chores aren't my husband's favorite. It blesses him if I do them. I want to bless him.

The more I talk to wives and moms, the more I find women in the same situation as me. They find that they cannot work full-time and keep up with their house and family as they want, so they work part-time. One woman told me that she lost all career motivation when she got married and subsequently became a mom. She might still work, but she is not as interested in the prospects. Several of the bloggers I follow had dramatic career changes after marriage and child bearing. It's a trend.

Marriage changes things. Marriage changed (and is changing!) me. I like working. I think I might be bored if I stayed at home all day and didn't see an outside soul. But I don't think work is what I was created to do as a wife. Home is where my heart is. Even if/when I am working that is my place, and that is where my greatest focus lies.

Mug Cake Month

I have gotten back into making mug cakes this month. (If you are not familiar with mug cakes, they are single serve cakes made in a mug, usually cooked in the microwave, but sometimes in the oven.) Mug cakes are not the be-all, end-all of desserts, but they are convenient and they keep life interesting. (I am bad about making dessert, eating it once, and letting the rest go to waste.) I have made mug cakes before, but I found a wealth of new mug cake recipes on Pinterest, and have been going off those. So without further ado, here are a few winning recipes (with my adjustments) that I have found so far:

Cinnamon roll microwave mug cake (Kim's Cravings)

Mix:

1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/4 t baking powder

Stir in:

3 T whole milk
1 T unsweetened applesauce
1/4 t vanilla

Top with 1 teaspoon cinnamon sugar and swirl into batter with a knife. Microwave for 1 minute, 30 seconds.

Banana bread muffin (Skinny Taste)

*I made this one in a bowl. Bowls also work for mug cake recipes. 

Mash:

1 banana

Stir in:
1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t vanilla 

Add in 2 T of water if the batter is dry. Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds for a gooey cake, or 2 minutes for a more firm cake.

Single serving brownie (Brooklyn Farm Girl)

Mix:

2 T whole wheat flour
2 T Cocoa
1 t cinnamon 
1/2 t baking powder

Stir in:

1/4 c applesauce 
2 T water

Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds.
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If you have any fun mug cakes, please comment, or send them my way. I enjoy experimenting!

Real Life Marriage: Traditions

'Tis the season to be jolly? Or is it? Thanksgiving through Christmas is a great time of year, but it can also be difficult. There are lots of demands on time. Families can clash. Stress and strife can reign, but they don't have to. We can choose how we go through the holidays. Traditions help us do that.

My husband and I hold very similar values, but come from different backgrounds. The longer that we are married, the more we navigate our own traditions. So far, we have not come up on any real conflicts, but we recognize that the holidays can hold conflict, and we try to avoid it. How? By combining traditions where we can, compromising where we can't; and by making new collective traditions that are special just to us.

Let me give some examples:

Combining: Both of our families open one present on Christmas Eve, so this tradition is a no-brainer. When we host Christmas, we go with our joint tradition. 

Compromise: My husband's family decorates for Christmas after Thanksgiving dinner. This is a little stressful for me, especially when I have just cooked a meal. Since my husband does most of the decorating, though, I let him have at it. (Truthfully, he does a better job than I do.) As far as family goes, we are still figuring that out, but we agree that we should alternate between families, where feasible. Since I like staying home for the holidays, my husband proposed that we give ourselves the off-year holidays.

Collective: My best friend gifted us an ornament made from our wedding program for our first Christmas. Last Christmas, we decided to make a tradition of buying an ornament to represent each year. Last year, we purchased one with masks and sanitizer due to the COVID pandemic. This year, we purchased one that had to do with our weekly traditions (more on that later, maybe). Each Christmas, we take photos to use for a card, and we work together to send out the cards. Around Christmas, we also choose a new marriage devotional practice for the year and purchase a new book, if needed. These are our traditions. 

Traditions aren't be all end all. Being black-and-white about them does not help holiday stress. Having them gives us something to look forward to in the season, though. The traditions help us shape our own identity. We do them while they work, and when they don't, we have grace, or we start new traditions. That is the beauty of real life!

Five Tips for Saving Money on Groceries

Groceries make up a significant part of a family's budget. As the manager of our family's budget and the chief "shopper," I am always looking for ways to save. Here a few tips that I have learned:

1. The more stores you go to, the more you spend (generally). Yes, shopping at multiple stores allows you to find multiple sales, but it also means multiplied time, and time is a form of currency. Shopping at multiple stores increases opportunity to make impulse buys, and as time goes by, decision fatigue creeps in, making it more likely to make unwise decisions at the last stores.

Tip: If you must shop multiple stores, try to shop on different days, or even different times of the month based on a rotating schedule.

2. Grocery pickup saves you money, until it doesn’t. Most pickup services require a a minimum purchase. If you need groceries that total that amount, great! If you only need a few items, you guessed it, it’s cheaper to grab them yourself. I’ve found I can actually run in for a few sundries and get out again in the time it would take me to wait for pickup delivery.

Tip: Whether you do pickup or not, still use the store app as a grocery list, as it allows you to see a running total of what you need in order to determine if pickup is beneficial and if not, how you might include the total of what you need into your weekly grocery budget.

3. Budget for the cost of warehouse store membership (e.g. Costco, Sam's Club) from the house fund, not the grocery fund (Don't Waste the Crumbs, 2021). Trying to scrimp enough from the grocery budget to afford the yearly subscription isn’t worth it!) Having those funds set aside elsewhere is such a relief.

Tip: If you buy groceries via subscription, eg Hello Fresh, etc. (not really budget friendly anyway, consider a special or different budget fund. This avoids the grocery fund getting “eaten” by other expense categories.

4. Shop and stock the sales. I have found that most stores rotate sales on basic items like cheese, eggs, and meat. I try to shop the sales and buy the most items I can afford (and fit in my freezer, fridge and pantry) so that I only have to buy items when they are on sale. It is not a fool-proof plan, but it helps.

5. Use the freezer! Going off the above, store bread, cheese, meat, and other stocked, but perishable items in the freezer. This allows you to take advantage of sales without having to hurry through what you do buy.

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I am by no means an expert, but I try to make the most of the resources God has given me. May He continue to give wisdom and may He get the glory!

Reference:

Don't Waste the Crumbs. (2021, March 26). How to budget for bulk purchases. https://dontwastethecrumbs.com/how-to-budget-for-bulk-purchases/

Practical Tips for Sharing Money

My husband and I share our money. Like we have joint accounts. Like we don't have our own accounts. Period. What's ours is ours. But how, as two separate people, do we practically make living as one with our budget work? Here's how:

1) We have roles. Currently, I have the roles of paying the bills and managing the budget. This does not mean my husband is subservient to me or that I decide how to spend our money. It just means that I keep track of things. This role differentiation prevents conflict about whose job it is to balance the budget day by day. It is my responsibility, so receipts for spending go to me and I take care of them.

2) We have periodic budget meetings. This wise idea came from my mom. We should have these monthly, but do not always. The premise of the budget meeting is to take stock of our finances each month so that both of us know where we stand. We both have access to our bank account balance, but I keep the books, and while my husband can look at them any time, he chooses to trust me and get updated at our budget meetings. It frees up brain space for him to do other things, to carry out other roles that are currently assigned to him.

3) We have an allowance that is part of our budget. Communicating about money is good. Communicating about every last cent spent can get tedious. Sometimes we do not want to communicate about what we spend money on, so as to surprise the other one. Enter marriage protection insurance. We got this idea from first year marriage books and liked it, so we instituted it for ourselves (Devries & Wolgemuth, 2012). The allowance is a category of our budget for discretionary spending for each of us. Each of us gets a set amount of money to spend every month, no questions asked. We can choose to take the money in case, or use the cards and then share the receipts. 

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Do these practices prevent all money stress? No. We still have plenty of it. These tips do help us be more unified with spending, though. They keep us honest. They keep the one budget system working, and that's what we want, to be one, in money, and in marriage.

Reference:

Devries, S., & Wolgemuth, B. (2012). What every bride needs to know: The most importance year in a woman's life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Sharing Money

I was very adamant that my husband not know much about my money before we got married. After we got married, however, I insisted that I share all my accounts and even my credit cards with him. The bank demanded a marriage license for me to do this. The credit card agency warned me that adding my husband to the account that was previously mine did not give him any accountability, at least with the credit bureaus. I did not care. We were married, and we now shared everything.

Couples differ in the ways that they handle money. I am not here to say there is necessarily always one right way. Situations differ. I am here to make a strong argument for the importance of sharing money, however, and to encourage couples to consider it if they have not yet done so.

Sharing money cements a marriage. It puts some skin in the game. If we share money, we share ownership. If we share ownership, we share responsibility. It is not one person's job to manage the money, but both a responsibility for both spouses, and if marriage is two becoming one, this makes sense.

When we share money, we share accountability. Both of our expenses affect, well, both of us. We cannot spend in isolation and therefore impoverish the other. We also cannot spend in anonymity. The bank shows what and where we spend, preventing us from spending on things we shouldn't, and forcing communication when we do spend. We know from experience that increased communication benefits our marriage.

Sharing money not only promotes positive marriage habits, but promotes a positive marriage environment overall. How? Writer Shaunti Feldhan suggests that having separate accounts and having to negotiate money results in a 50% deduction in marital happiness (Fuller, Smalley, & Smalley, 2021). That's huge, and not something I want!

Does sharing money fix everything in our marriage? No, it makes some things hard, like buying each other gifts, like spending on things we want. Is it worth it overall, though? Yes. The unity, communication, and happiness it promotes are worth it. I would not have it any other way.

References:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., and Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2021, June 24). Working through different financial priorities. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/working-through-different-financial-priorities/