Top Ten of 2021

Well, it's that time again, time to wrap up the year. I always find it interesting what and where people read. Most people read on Facebook, and these were the posts with the most reach (in descending order, from greatest to least):

When Fun Isn't Fun Anymore
Payson Vacation
Afghan #65
Afghans 61 and 62
Real Life Marriage: Keeping My Marriage
Best Books of 2020
33.
Real Life Marriage: When the "Stuff" Comes Up
I Need Him.
Real Life Marriage: Deciding Versus Sliding

On my blog itself, the posts visited most often were (in descending order, from greatest to least):

Yoga Revolution (Yoga with Adriene) Review
The Three E's of Trauma
A Review of Yoga Fix 30
I Need Him.
Good Communication: Self-Aware and Selfless
The Importance of Parental Support for Marriage
The Strong Woman
Self Care is My Responsibility
When the Weight is Too Great to Bear
Marriage, Year Two: The Highs

Interesting that "I Need Him" is the only crossover post. And apparently my top posts are still from previous years. Oh well.

I hope you all enjoyed reading, and see you next year.

P.S. If you have a favorite post from the year, please feel free to share in the comments section. Thanks!

Afghan 67

Another one hit the post office!

This blanket is from another pattern off the 20 baby blankets list from which I have been working. Knitting with Chopsticks specified using an additional color (gray), but I did not have it, so I doubled up on the Red Heart spring green. I also used Mainstays white and pink. The bead and bubble stitch were new to me. (I had to re-read the instructions every time I came to a row of them!). They gave the blanket nice texture, I think. I started this blanket around Fourth of July and thought it looked like a watermelon. I gave it to a baby set to come Christmas Eve, so the green and pink seem like a riff on Christmas colors. Maybe this is an anytime blanket!

The size of this blanket seemed larger to me. Mine measured 34 by 55 inches, with 115 total rows. (The author of the pattern measured her blanket at 41.25 by 51.25 inches.) I used my ergonomic J hook for this blanket. It is pretty much the only hook I use, and it works great! I am just thankful I can still crochet and keep crossing blankets off my list!

The Paradox of Christmas

Christmas is a paradox. I have not really thought about it much until this year. This year, the pain of the season has come with a vengeance, and more because of external pain rather than person pain. Friends have lots babies. Friends have lost parents and grandparents. Loved ones have loved ones who are gravely ill. Pets are lost and dying. I have felt bodily pain from ongoing health issues and a few procedures. Isn't this supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year? Because this year, it certainly isn't.

Christmas brings up many feelings. For those with intact families, it brings up special memories and the chance to relive them. For those separated from their families by death or by choices (either theirs, or those of their family), it brings up pain. For families with good boundaries and the ability to enforce them, it brings closeness and warmth. For others, the stress of the season leads to more arguing and bickering and fighting. Or maybe the season brings such a mixture of feelings that it is difficult to delineate between them. Some would rather skip over the season than feel such overwhelm.

As I ponder what Christmas means, though, I think about Jesus. Born as a baby, but still perfectly God, he had to know that he would one day die. How did that affect him? What about Mary? She knew that her baby was God. Simeon prophesied to her, "'And a sword will pierce your own soul too'" (Luke 2:35, NIV). Did she know what that meant? She gave birth to Jesus in pain. Then she lived through the pain of watching him grow up and be crucified. How did she manage?

What about the people of Bethlehem and its vicinity? They lost all their sons two years and younger because of Herod's fear of Jesus becoming greater than him, and subsequent wrath (Matthew 2:16). That had to be exceedingly painful!

Christmas is a paradox, in so many ways. Some years just bring that to light more than others. The paradox of Christmas is eternal, though. Christ come to earth as a baby to die for our sins. Hope, and a reminder that we are hopeless on our own. Life and a reminder that all of us are doomed for death. We cannot have the one without the other. As I, and many others, struggle with pain this Christmas, may we remember Jesus' pain, and that because of Jesus' pain, sorrow does not last forever. Sorrow "may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Ps 30:5, KJV). Either in the morning of a future day or future time, or in the forever morning of living with Jesus in heaven forever.

Merry Christmas to all, in whatever season you may be. Know you are loved, by us, and by the eternal God!

Savor

The breath caught in my throat. It almost hurt. I saw the lights in the windows. I saw the decorations, but I was glued to my phone, trying to cram in my readings for the day, reviewing my to-do list, adding items to the grocer order, walking quickly because I was already late. I just want to enjoy this season, yet it is flying by. I want to stay, linger, stand and stare. Revel in the beauty, but just like that morning, for the most part, I am not. I'm rushing, flying around like there is no tomorrow. There may, in fact, be no tomorrow. We're not promised it. Isn't that more reason to rest, relish, enjoy today? It hasn't been for me. It has been one more reason to get things done, to hurry and scurry so maybe, just maybe, if there is a tomorrow, and tomorrow is less busy, I will get the chance to rest. That chance never comes, though. The time I find, I fill, because I live in scarcity. It is not a good way to live.

I have already given up many things this season: baking plans, event attendance, etc. I have not even listened to Handel's Messiah, which is a family tradition. We got our Christmas cards out late. We used labels rather than hand-addressing (and let's be honest, cards went out mostly because my husband made the labels and put on most of them). I have "wrapped" most gifts in bags. My husband and I chose not to exchange gifts this year. Still, the season is crazy.

Believers have a saying, "Keep Christ in Christmas." What is left when we take Christ out? Mas, the Spanish word for more. I feel like that has become what Christmas is about: more. More events. More gifts. More cards. More. More. More. The simple beauty of the season gets lost.

I cannot fix my scarcity mentality overnight. In reality, there is still a lot to do. For the remaining time until Christmas, though, I am trying to savor what I can: the lights, the sights, the songs. I double back on my walking route to see the store window decorations downtown for a second time. I actually look in the windows. We keep the Christmas lights burning in our tree to whatever hour we stay up. I take lots of pictures. The season is flying by, but I can still savor it, or at least little bits of it. This I seek to do, not from a place of scarcity, of worrying about losing the season, but from a place of enjoyment. This season really is beautiful, and worth soaking in.

In Defense of the Traditional Female Gender Role

If you would have told me I'd be saying this a few years ago, I would have said, "No way." If you would have told me I'd be married even a few years ago, I would have said, "Nah." But things change. People change. And so while what I'm about to write may shock a few people, it's a result of the above mentioned ability to change. And this is it: Maybe a woman's place really is at home.

I always railed against the idea of the domestic housewife. I wanted to do more. Be more. I felt that being "just" a housewife was menial, demeaning. I subscribed to the biblical idea of complimentarian gender roles, in that I needed to submit to men in leadership, and a husband if I ever had one, but thought I could do that and be an aspiring career woman. Well that changed.

I returned to my full-time (plus!) job just two weeks after my husband and I got married. I attempted to keep the same pace and focus, but things just weren't the same. I wanted to work, wanted to help, but also wanted to be home to care for my husband. I felt very guilty when I got home after him or had to have him make dinner because I was late. He was totally willing to help cook when he could, but I felt that as a wife, cooking was my job.

I had career aspirations, things I wanted to do and accomplish. I still have them, kind of. I have things I want to do and explore. I like learning. All pales in comparison to wanting to be a good wife, though. Career takes at least second place, if not third or fourth or lower.

My husband has taken on some of the household chores as we've been married longer. He says it's only fair if he has time and I'm working full-time. That makes sense, but marriage isn't all about fairness. I know that household chores aren't my husband's favorite. It blesses him if I do them. I want to bless him.

The more I talk to wives and moms, the more I find women in the same situation as me. They find that they cannot work full-time and keep up with their house and family as they want, so they work part-time. One woman told me that she lost all career motivation when she got married and subsequently became a mom. She might still work, but she is not as interested in the prospects. Several of the bloggers I follow had dramatic career changes after marriage and child bearing. It's a trend.

Marriage changes things. Marriage changed (and is changing!) me. I like working. I think I might be bored if I stayed at home all day and didn't see an outside soul. But I don't think work is what I was created to do as a wife. Home is where my heart is. Even if/when I am working that is my place, and that is where my greatest focus lies.

Mug Cake Month

I have gotten back into making mug cakes this month. (If you are not familiar with mug cakes, they are single serve cakes made in a mug, usually cooked in the microwave, but sometimes in the oven.) Mug cakes are not the be-all, end-all of desserts, but they are convenient and they keep life interesting. (I am bad about making dessert, eating it once, and letting the rest go to waste.) I have made mug cakes before, but I found a wealth of new mug cake recipes on Pinterest, and have been going off those. So without further ado, here are a few winning recipes (with my adjustments) that I have found so far:

Cinnamon roll microwave mug cake (Kim's Cravings)

Mix:

1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/4 t baking powder

Stir in:

3 T whole milk
1 T unsweetened applesauce
1/4 t vanilla

Top with 1 teaspoon cinnamon sugar and swirl into batter with a knife. Microwave for 1 minute, 30 seconds.

Banana bread muffin (Skinny Taste)

*I made this one in a bowl. Bowls also work for mug cake recipes. 

Mash:

1 banana

Stir in:
1/4 c whole wheat flour
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t vanilla 

Add in 2 T of water if the batter is dry. Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds for a gooey cake, or 2 minutes for a more firm cake.

Single serving brownie (Brooklyn Farm Girl)

Mix:

2 T whole wheat flour
2 T Cocoa
1 t cinnamon 
1/2 t baking powder

Stir in:

1/4 c applesauce 
2 T water

Microwave 1 minute, 30 seconds.
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If you have any fun mug cakes, please comment, or send them my way. I enjoy experimenting!

Real Life Marriage: Traditions

'Tis the season to be jolly? Or is it? Thanksgiving through Christmas is a great time of year, but it can also be difficult. There are lots of demands on time. Families can clash. Stress and strife can reign, but they don't have to. We can choose how we go through the holidays. Traditions help us do that.

My husband and I hold very similar values, but come from different backgrounds. The longer that we are married, the more we navigate our own traditions. So far, we have not come up on any real conflicts, but we recognize that the holidays can hold conflict, and we try to avoid it. How? By combining traditions where we can, compromising where we can't; and by making new collective traditions that are special just to us.

Let me give some examples:

Combining: Both of our families open one present on Christmas Eve, so this tradition is a no-brainer. When we host Christmas, we go with our joint tradition. 

Compromise: My husband's family decorates for Christmas after Thanksgiving dinner. This is a little stressful for me, especially when I have just cooked a meal. Since my husband does most of the decorating, though, I let him have at it. (Truthfully, he does a better job than I do.) As far as family goes, we are still figuring that out, but we agree that we should alternate between families, where feasible. Since I like staying home for the holidays, my husband proposed that we give ourselves the off-year holidays.

Collective: My best friend gifted us an ornament made from our wedding program for our first Christmas. Last Christmas, we decided to make a tradition of buying an ornament to represent each year. Last year, we purchased one with masks and sanitizer due to the COVID pandemic. This year, we purchased one that had to do with our weekly traditions (more on that later, maybe). Each Christmas, we take photos to use for a card, and we work together to send out the cards. Around Christmas, we also choose a new marriage devotional practice for the year and purchase a new book, if needed. These are our traditions. 

Traditions aren't be all end all. Being black-and-white about them does not help holiday stress. Having them gives us something to look forward to in the season, though. The traditions help us shape our own identity. We do them while they work, and when they don't, we have grace, or we start new traditions. That is the beauty of real life!

Five Tips for Saving Money on Groceries

Groceries make up a significant part of a family's budget. As the manager of our family's budget and the chief "shopper," I am always looking for ways to save. Here a few tips that I have learned:

1. The more stores you go to, the more you spend (generally). Yes, shopping at multiple stores allows you to find multiple sales, but it also means multiplied time, and time is a form of currency. Shopping at multiple stores increases opportunity to make impulse buys, and as time goes by, decision fatigue creeps in, making it more likely to make unwise decisions at the last stores.

Tip: If you must shop multiple stores, try to shop on different days, or even different times of the month based on a rotating schedule.

2. Grocery pickup saves you money, until it doesn’t. Most pickup services require a a minimum purchase. If you need groceries that total that amount, great! If you only need a few items, you guessed it, it’s cheaper to grab them yourself. I’ve found I can actually run in for a few sundries and get out again in the time it would take me to wait for pickup delivery.

Tip: Whether you do pickup or not, still use the store app as a grocery list, as it allows you to see a running total of what you need in order to determine if pickup is beneficial and if not, how you might include the total of what you need into your weekly grocery budget.

3. Budget for the cost of warehouse store membership (e.g. Costco, Sam's Club) from the house fund, not the grocery fund (Don't Waste the Crumbs, 2021). Trying to scrimp enough from the grocery budget to afford the yearly subscription isn’t worth it!) Having those funds set aside elsewhere is such a relief.

Tip: If you buy groceries via subscription, eg Hello Fresh, etc. (not really budget friendly anyway, consider a special or different budget fund. This avoids the grocery fund getting “eaten” by other expense categories.

4. Shop and stock the sales. I have found that most stores rotate sales on basic items like cheese, eggs, and meat. I try to shop the sales and buy the most items I can afford (and fit in my freezer, fridge and pantry) so that I only have to buy items when they are on sale. It is not a fool-proof plan, but it helps.

5. Use the freezer! Going off the above, store bread, cheese, meat, and other stocked, but perishable items in the freezer. This allows you to take advantage of sales without having to hurry through what you do buy.

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I am by no means an expert, but I try to make the most of the resources God has given me. May He continue to give wisdom and may He get the glory!

Reference:

Don't Waste the Crumbs. (2021, March 26). How to budget for bulk purchases. https://dontwastethecrumbs.com/how-to-budget-for-bulk-purchases/

Practical Tips for Sharing Money

My husband and I share our money. Like we have joint accounts. Like we don't have our own accounts. Period. What's ours is ours. But how, as two separate people, do we practically make living as one with our budget work? Here's how:

1) We have roles. Currently, I have the roles of paying the bills and managing the budget. This does not mean my husband is subservient to me or that I decide how to spend our money. It just means that I keep track of things. This role differentiation prevents conflict about whose job it is to balance the budget day by day. It is my responsibility, so receipts for spending go to me and I take care of them.

2) We have periodic budget meetings. This wise idea came from my mom. We should have these monthly, but do not always. The premise of the budget meeting is to take stock of our finances each month so that both of us know where we stand. We both have access to our bank account balance, but I keep the books, and while my husband can look at them any time, he chooses to trust me and get updated at our budget meetings. It frees up brain space for him to do other things, to carry out other roles that are currently assigned to him.

3) We have an allowance that is part of our budget. Communicating about money is good. Communicating about every last cent spent can get tedious. Sometimes we do not want to communicate about what we spend money on, so as to surprise the other one. Enter marriage protection insurance. We got this idea from first year marriage books and liked it, so we instituted it for ourselves (Devries & Wolgemuth, 2012). The allowance is a category of our budget for discretionary spending for each of us. Each of us gets a set amount of money to spend every month, no questions asked. We can choose to take the money in case, or use the cards and then share the receipts. 

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Do these practices prevent all money stress? No. We still have plenty of it. These tips do help us be more unified with spending, though. They keep us honest. They keep the one budget system working, and that's what we want, to be one, in money, and in marriage.

Reference:

Devries, S., & Wolgemuth, B. (2012). What every bride needs to know: The most importance year in a woman's life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Sharing Money

I was very adamant that my husband not know much about my money before we got married. After we got married, however, I insisted that I share all my accounts and even my credit cards with him. The bank demanded a marriage license for me to do this. The credit card agency warned me that adding my husband to the account that was previously mine did not give him any accountability, at least with the credit bureaus. I did not care. We were married, and we now shared everything.

Couples differ in the ways that they handle money. I am not here to say there is necessarily always one right way. Situations differ. I am here to make a strong argument for the importance of sharing money, however, and to encourage couples to consider it if they have not yet done so.

Sharing money cements a marriage. It puts some skin in the game. If we share money, we share ownership. If we share ownership, we share responsibility. It is not one person's job to manage the money, but both a responsibility for both spouses, and if marriage is two becoming one, this makes sense.

When we share money, we share accountability. Both of our expenses affect, well, both of us. We cannot spend in isolation and therefore impoverish the other. We also cannot spend in anonymity. The bank shows what and where we spend, preventing us from spending on things we shouldn't, and forcing communication when we do spend. We know from experience that increased communication benefits our marriage.

Sharing money not only promotes positive marriage habits, but promotes a positive marriage environment overall. How? Writer Shaunti Feldhan suggests that having separate accounts and having to negotiate money results in a 50% deduction in marital happiness (Fuller, Smalley, & Smalley, 2021). That's huge, and not something I want!

Does sharing money fix everything in our marriage? No, it makes some things hard, like buying each other gifts, like spending on things we want. Is it worth it overall, though? Yes. The unity, communication, and happiness it promotes are worth it. I would not have it any other way.

References:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., and Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2021, June 24). Working through different financial priorities. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/working-through-different-financial-priorities/

Blessings: Not Just For Me

The older I get, the more blessed I realize I am. While I was not raised in a wealthy family, and do not consider myself wealthy now, I am rich in many other ways. I had and have many resources that others do not. As a believer in Christ, I have an obligation to share.

First of all, I am privileged to be known as a child of God. As Paul writes in Titus, "he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy" (Titus 3:5). I do not deserve salvation. I can in no way earn it, yet God in His grace, provided Jesus' sacrifice for my sins. Resources indeed, resources meant to be shared!

I grew up in a two-parent family with a mom and dad committed to my siblings and I, and to each other. There have been times, many times, when I felt a little envious of ways that my parents poured into others. I wanted them to be mine, all mine. Then I realized what a blessing I had in them! It is only right that I should share the wonderful people and gifts that my parents are with others.

I was single for a very long time. I gave up imagining getting married and could never have imagined marrying a man as wonderful as my husband. Sometimes I do not want to share him with others. I want all his attention and affection. I need to share him, though, realizing that he is not mine, but God's. Given that he is my husband, I have his love forever, so I can afford to share him with others. It is safe for me to do so.

I have a home. Though small, we are blessed to live in it, and this too, I should share with others. It does not matter as much how clean or pretty or decorated it is, but that I use it for God's purposes: to love and serve my husband, and to love and serve others as the Spirit directs.

I have a job. I got the chance to go to college and graduate school. I have food in the pantry. I have relative health. I have my five senses. I could go on and on. While there are many things I do not have, I have more. 

I am blessed, and the blessings I have are not just for me. As I heard on a recent podcast, "our blessings aren't just meant for us. They are meant to be shared" (Frederick & Frederick, 2021). As the Psalmist writes, when we have a God who fills our cups, they should overflow to others (Psalm 23:5; Trapp, n.d., as cited in Guzik, 2011). This is a high calling, a holy calling.

I am not perfect. I am selfish. I hoard my blessings, for fear that they expire or extinguish. That is not God's way. God's way is to give to overflowing, for He has enough not just for me, but for the world He made and loves.

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

References:

Frederick, R., & Frederick, S. (Hosts). (2021, November 16). Bringing others in (The home, 3 of 4) (No. 244). [Audio podcast episode]. In Fierce Marriage. https://fiercemarriage.com/bringings-others-in-the-home-3-of-4

Guzik. D. (2011). Study guide on Psalm 23. Blue Letter Bible. https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/guzik_david/StudyGuide2017-Psa/Psa-23.cfm

Having Generosity For My Husband

The scriptures resound with the concept of generosity. The poor widow put all the money she had into the temple treasury (Mark 12; Luke 21). The woman with the alabaster jar poured out all of its expensive contents on Jesus' head (Mark 14). Jesus gave His life for me! And yet I do not lean towards generosity. I lean towards stinginess, self-righteousness, and self-justification, especially in my marriage. The Spirit continually convicts me of this.

God gave me a wonderful gift in my husband. My husband is not perfect, but seeks to follow God, serve others, and serve me. I do not always keep this at the forefront of my mind, though. I do not always want to give, especially when I am tired. I find that roots of bitterness start to grow as I dwell on things I would like to happen that are not. I crave affections and attention and then push away when it does not happen like I want. These are not generous responses.

The widow gave all she had, and then had to rely on God. This was a generous response! As a wife, God has called me to give to my husband. Yes, I may grow tired and weary, but if I am following God, and living according to His will, will He not fill me with all good things? (2 Pet 1:3). His word says He will.

If I rely on God, can I not have generous, gracious responses to my husband? If I believe that my husband is following God (and I do), that should inform my interpretations of His behaviors. Yes, some things annoy me, but I am pretty sure my husband is not trying to annoy me. A generous response would be a generous interpretation of his motives, which in actually, is probably the most accurate interpretation.

I made a promise when I got married, to love my husband unconditionally, until death does us part. Sometimes that love hurts. It hurts my pride. It means I have to give, rather than get. The Psalmist says that a righteous man "keeps an oath even when it hurts," though (Ps 15:4). This is my calling.

Sometimes my husband wants my time. Sometimes he wants a listening ear. Sometimes I see that I could put off my own plans to better serve him. To do so is generous.

I have a long ways to grow in generosity. This is one of the many areas for growth God is revealing to me through my marriage. God has been so generous and gracious to me with the gospel and though I can never attain to God's perfection, I can keep reaching. May God's generosity overflow through me to my husband, and through our marriage to the world beyond. To God be the glory!

Afghan 66

Another afghan done! I really liked this pattern (another one I acquired from this 20 pattern compilation). It was easy, worked up quickly, and the edges remained somewhat uniform, even with changing yarns. I might have made the blanket a bit longer, but this was the prescribed pattern, and I followed it.

Yarns: Red Heart spring green, generic black, Red Heart royal, Mainstays gray

Hook: Ergonomic J

Pattern: Simple stitch crochet baby blanket from Easy Crochet

Size: 26 inches by 32 inches

When Fun Isn't Fun Anymore

As I have reconsidered the ideas of fun and play as an adult, I have realized that at some point, fun isn't fun anymore. I have exceeded my therapeutic dose. I am expecting something productive out of my play, which makes the fun unproductive. I have regimented fun to the point that I have taken joy out of it. Or I have just lost interest. These are all factors to consider when creating a plan to incorporate more fun into life, especially if fun is to have its intended purposes.

To give some examples, I find meal planning fun. I looked forward to it before I got married, and each month, when I write out our calendar of meals, I feel somewhat excited, maybe even giddy about the fun food we can make. Then it comes to grocery shopping and cooking. The store is out of ingredients, or the ingredients exceed our budget. Maybe I do not have time to cook the meals. Suddenly, the fun goes out of menu planning and menu planning becomes work. While cooking certainly contains work, I want it to be fun. If I want it to be fun, I have to consider adding in some flexibility with my planning, meaning I get less disappointed when I cannot make the meals I planned. Similarly, I might need to break up cooking so that I am not exhausted when the time comes to make my fun recipe. If the goal is just to feed my family, I have to push through the tiredness. If I want to have fun, I might as well wait, because cooking while tired is not very fun.

I like social media. Finding new recipes for my meal planning from Pinterest excites me. Poignant quotes touch my heart. Seeing photos of friends and family on Instagram and Facebook warms my heart. At some point, though, social media proves the law of diminishing returns. There is nothing new to see, yet I keep scrolling trying to find some new stimulating content. To keep social media fun, I need to set it down. I need to step away from time to time. When I find my sense of enjoyment decreasing, I need to stop. Scrolling until I am blotchy and bleary-eyed makes me angry about lack of productivity. I know. I said fun is supposed to be unproductive. It is, in that it does not have to have tangible tactile rewards. Lack of enjoyment, though, is a signal to reassess if the activity is really fun any more.

Running is my preferred source of exercise. I like having a training plan with a race on the horizon. These keep me motivated and on track. They encourage me to care for my body rather than abusing it. I have found that rigid plans, however, decrease my fun of running. Certain types of workout really bug me. They feel like work, rather than fun. Yes, some aspects of physical health include work, but I run mostly for my mental health, both to moderate stress, and to enjoy myself. Feeling forced to run, or run in a certain way really is not my thing.

Things that are usually fun are not always fun. Sometimes fun things lose their luster. Sometimes I overdo fun.  Sometimes I need a different dose of fun. I think the thing to remember is that the concept of fun is fluid. When fun is not fun anymore, it is time to reassess what I want, what I need, and what I need to do to purpose it, both for my health, and for the health of my relationships with others.

Apple Recipe Round-Up (Year Two)

We should eat the seasons, right? And you know what season it is? Apple season. Apples are finally getting cheaper, and I am eating it up, literally. Below are a few apples recipes we have recently enjoyed:

Breakfast

Apple cinnamon baked oatmeal (Eating Bird Food)

Apple cinnamon cottage cheese breakfast bowl (Budget Bytes)

Apple pie high protein overnight oats (Bucket List Tummy)

Instant Pot apple pie steel cut oats (All Recipes) 

Pumpkin apple baked oatmeal (The Recipe Runner)

Three-ingredient flourless apple pancake (Food 52)

Desserts

Apple Betty (Better Homes and Gardens cookbook recipe)

Applesauce cake (Chocolate Covered Katie)

Easy and delicious paleo caramel apples (Rachl Mansfield)

Healthier homemade apple dumplings (Gourmet Done Skinny)

Two-ingredient apple oatmeal donuts (Kirbie's Cravings)

Two ingredient apple oatmeal cookies (Kirbie's Cravings)

Snacks and Sides:

Apple chai energy balls (Fit Foodie Finds)

*I substituted unsweetened applesauce for the honey, as I did not have apple chips.

Instant Pot apple pepper jelly (Sweet Pea's Kitchen)

Real Life Marriage: When The "Stuff" Comes Up

We have been married over two years now. The "honeymoon period" supposedly lasts 12-30 months, and I think we are past that. Our marriage has never been perfect, but real life is definitely hitting. "The stuff" is coming up. What is "the stuff"? You might be asking. The stuff that makes us tick. The stuff of how we are raised. Our pasts. Values that are not wrong, but that can be in competition. Stuff that can either get in the way, or has to get pushed out of the way so that we can grow stronger together.

What are some categories of "stuff" that comes up? I can think of five off-hand: family of origin, finances, false beliefs, habits, and doctrinal differences. Family of origin pertains to how we were raised. Every family has good and bad, and it starts to come out in marriage the longer we are together. We expect our spouse to act how our opposite gender parent acted. We expect that our spouse knows the same things as our parent. We expect from our spouses what our parents gave us. I have found myself inadvertently doing many of these things. When I realize that "stuff," I have a choice: keep on expecting, and get frustrated, or communicate and see what my husband can do. Telling my husband what I expect enables him to start to meet some of my unstated needs. Granted, they are needs based on how I was raised, but needs nonetheless. 

Our upbringing affects not only interactions, but how we handle important things, like money. Different families have different priorities. They spend money on different things. Right or wrong, this affects the blending of families. My idea of how much money we should spend on something may differ from my husband. His idea of a monetary priority may differ from mine. We had different ways of handling money as single people, versus now. When I remember that my way is not necessarily the right way, my husband and I can have conversation about the "stuff," realize it is just "stuff," and channel our spending on "stuff" to benefit our relationship.

As the "honeymoon phase" wears off, more of our own struggles come out. I have become increasingly aware of my own narratives, the stories I have told myself for years about life, my life in particular. A lot of them are negative. They do not benefit our marriage. But as the intoxicating effects of love wear off and the hard work stage sets in, I have to fight for both love and for truth.

We have habits about everything from meals to bedtimes to holidays. We base habits consciously or subconsciously on previous experiences. Maybe we love family meals and want them all the time. Maybe family meals feel foreign. Maybe bedtime meant TV, or not. Some families have traditions. Some do not. Traditions are very important to me, but enforcing my traditions on my husband makes our family about my family. We need to form traditions for us.

My husband and I share the same faith. We agree on a lot of basic doctrines. The longer we stay together, though, the deeper we go in our personal study of the Bible. The more we study the Bible together at church. The more we explore divergences of belief. We were raised in different churches and have different faith histories. This can divide us, or provide opportunity for us to study together and strengthen our theology. 

All marriages have stuff. It comes up all the time, but perhaps becomes more prominent as life becomes more "real." We are always building up our own reservoir of "stuff," too, bad habits we have gotten into, negative patterns of communication, etc. Our hope is to recognize "the stuff" before it becomes engrained, because we know as counselor Debra Fileta says, "We have a tendency to default to what is familiar rather than what is healthy." We want what is healthy. We work for it. Sometimes we fight for it because putting good stuff into our marriage is worth it.

Date Night Jar

Lacking inspiration for date night? I have an idea for you. Well, my good friend had an idea for me, and it is working great, so now I pass it on. What is that idea? The Date Night Jar: a jar filled with popsicle sticks containing date prompts. Some are silly. Some are serious. Some cost money. Some are free. All provide inspiration for spending quality time together.

What do you need to make this jar?

I followed the tutorial by Tastefully Eclectic, but you can really make the jar any old way you want. I repurposed a coconut oil jar (cleaned out of course) and wrote in permanent marker in craft sticks I bought from Wal-Mart.

How do you make this jar?

I sourced date night ideas from google searches, but you could write your own, or even ask your spouse to contribute ideas.

When do you use this jar?

Anytime, but especially when it's date night (yes, you should set aside a night for it!) and you have not planned. You could also use the jar to spontaneously surprise your spouse. Maybe their day is bad and you want to cheer them up. Maybe there is something to celebrate. Maybe you just want to date your spouse. No reason is a bad reason to date your spouse!

Why use this jar?

To visually remind your spouse that you value him or her. To keep you accountable for romancing your spouse. To keep your priorities straight. To enrich your marriage. To maintain a spirit of play. And more!

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Do you have to make a date night jar? No. Maybe you have other ways to keep dating alive in your marriage. This is just an idea to promote quality time with your spouse, because quality time is a jar you always want to be filling.

Good Communication: Self-Aware and Selfless

I have been expressing my needs a lot lately, specifically to my husband. I don't like it, but I have realized it is necessary. Why? Because my husband has no way to know what I need unless I tell him. Expecting him to read my mind is inherently self-centered.

My revelations about marriage continue the longer I am married, but this one came about in a specific circumstance. My husband went out of town and I asked him for a communication plan. Why? Because I felt like I bothered my husband with my communication the last time he was away. Because I wanted to stay connected with him. Because I know that I fear distance and constantly need reassurance. Because I believe that a good marriage requires continual communication. That is a research-based fact.

As I talked to my husband about how to communicate while he was gone, I realized that I was asking him to communicate with me, and not offering anything in return. I was expecting him to know when I might need or want communication, but not offering any feedback. Furthermore, I was not asking what he needed. How self-centered! The world does not revolve around me. I have to reach out if I want someone to reach in.

My husband and I worked on continual communication while he was gone this time. That required both of us to reach out, perhaps beyond our comfort zones. Our communication grew our marriage, though. It grew my awareness that we both have needs and that we both need to communicate about them. It is selfish to say I want communication and then never communicate. Good communication requires self-awareness, knowing my needs, but also selflessness--communicating those needs and looking out for the needs of my husband, too.

Celebrating National Pumpkin Day (Year Two)

I have slowed my roll on pumpkin stuff, but since it's National Pumpkin Day, might as well celebrate what we have. It's more pumpkin spice than anything this year:

Purchases from Trader's Joe's Pumpkin Palooza (Pumpkin pie spice, pumpkin spice espresso beans, and pumpkin spice coffee)

Pumpkin pie spice rooibos which we went back and bought later

Iced pumpkin spice latte (Gimme Some Oven) 

Pumpkin spice roll cookies (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Pumpkin black bean tacos (Peas and Crayons)

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I have not stopped liking pumpkin. Maybe I just don't like it so much. We will how the trend continues next year....

Whirlwind Weekend

We took a whirlwind trip this past weekend, flying out Friday night and back Sunday morning. I never thought I would take such a trip. I never thought I would be so willing to travel wearing a mask, but you know what? It was totally worth it!

We traveled this weekend to attend an event at my brother's work. We rarely get to see him, so when he invited us, we jumped at the chance. Normally, our vacations are about eating and seeing the sights. This time, it was more about soaking up time together. We still did a little of our "normal," though.

Eats

More bao from Dumpling Haus (I went there last time I visited, and we had to go again.)

Taco bao-definitely different, but surprisingly tasty!

Treats

A walk to see the lake

Complete with fall colors

Cheese curds (a Wisconsin must)

Using my brother's Japanese fire table after a walk in the cold.

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Most of all, though, it was just good to be together!

Afghan #65

 

I finished another one! Honestly this afghan did NOT turn out like I wanted it to. I tried to follow the cloud blanket pattern from Han Jan Crochet, but I messed up somewhere. I tried to replicate my own mess-ups for consistency, but it did not work perfectly. I did not figure out the edging, either and it curled. My mom suggested that it might be useful on a baby blanket, so I left it. I did not love it.

Lots of work on this one: I practiced a lot of treble crochet stitches. I counted my rows. I  practiced distress tolerance. I hope this blanket serves its intended purpose for a new member of our extended family, and I am counting down days until I get to meet him. I do know that I already love him!

Yarn: Red Heart soft navy

Crochet hook: Ergonomic J

Endurance, Patience, Perseverance

I never quite know what I am getting into when I choose a word for the year. This year is no different. I chose endurance, knowing I needed to learn and practice it, but not knowing how much. I am not not sure I really knew what endurance meant, either. I thought it was staying power, standing fast and lasting through the hard times. I am learning that endurance truly means so much more.

As I have studied through Romans, I have learned more about endurance. In Romans 15:4, the King James Version [KJV] translates endurance, "patience." There are some nuances to the word that do quite equate with patience (Thayer, 2011), but there is a relationship, a relationship which connotes some waiting, waiting not just for the hardship to be over, as I have been doing, but waiting with hopes of good things on the other side. Believers are not promised good things in this world. The Bible promises trouble on earth (John 16:33). The Bible promises eternal life for believers in heaven, however, and that is worth hopefully enduring and waiting for.

Biblical endurance also has connotations of perseverance. Again, the KJV translates the word endurance in the English Standard Version [ESV] translation of Hebrews 12:1. The New International Version translates the same word perseverance. What is the difference between the two? According to Difference Between (2015), "endurance is experiencing or surviving pain or hardship," while "perseverance refers to continuing in spite of difficulty and lack of success." So endurance means staying, while perseverance means forward motion. The Bible as a whole commands us to do both.

Endurance requires stamina (Merriam-Webster, n.d.). But how do I endure biblically, in a way that honors and glorifies God? That is another matter. From a recent sermon, I learned that God-honoring endurance means running well (Walters, 2021). Endurance means looking for the joy, and not just seeing the hardship. Endurance also requires perspective, something I think I often lack when trying to stand my ground.

God is enlarging my view of what it means to endure this year. His plans are always so much greater than mine. So may I, by his power, endure. May I practice patience. May I persevere. May I have the perspective that this is all for the greater good of God's glory, because when it comes to endurance, only God endures forever.

References:

Hasa. (2015, October 17). In Differencebetween.com. Retrieved from https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-endurance-and-vs-perseverance/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Endurance. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved October 11, 2021 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/endurance

Strong, J. (1890). G5281-hypomone. In Strong's exhaustive concordance of the Bible. [e-book edition]. Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5281/kjv/tr/0-1/

Thayer, J. H. (2011). Strong's NT 5281. In Thayer's Greek Lexicon. [electronic database.] Retrieved from https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5281/kjv/tr/0-1/.

Walters, W. (2021, July 25). Embrace the race. Retrieved from https://willowhills.church/series/stand-alone-sermons.

Committed to Conflict or Communication?

Dancing is the coordinated movements of partners in response to one another: steps forward and back, side to side, twirls, dips, etc. Communication in marriage is much like this, though sometimes less coordinated or choregraphed. We have a general pattern of movement, and we fall into this whether we like it or not. When we realize the pattern, though, we come to a decision point. Do we continue or same old dance? Or do we stop and try a different step?

I am a feeler. My husband in more of a thinker. Our personality differences contribute to our communication patterns. I hear and interpret with my feelings. My husband hears the facts. Our our worst days, I only feel, and he only thinks. This leads to continued collision on the dance floor. On our best days, I can reflect back what my husband says, and then tell him how I feel. This is a good first step, but then sometimes we get stuck. My husband says that what I heard with my feelings is not what he said. I say that I did hear what he said, but that I want him to hear my feelings. And back and forth we go. Unless we stop. Sometimes I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Is this dance working? And if it is not, what is my role in the non-productive interaction? I can only control myself. I can only change myself. 

In my marriage, I find that I often get committed to conflict. I feel a certain way, and I want my husband to feel the same way! Or at least acknowledge it. But do I really need him to agree me with? Yes, I want him to acknowledge me, but I cannot control him. Often in our conflicts, the feelings I attach to what my husband says have more to do with me than with him. Sometimes they have to do completely with me. So I have to ask myself, "Am I committed to conflict, or am I committed to communication?"

It is sinful human nature to commit to conflict, to want and to even demand our own way. But is it beneficial? It is not for my marriage, so I have to make the choice, to abandon my need to be right, and to choose to actually tune in and listen to what my husband is saying. He gets to decide what he means with his words. Though not perfect, God has gifted him with a logical brain, and most of time, he says what he means. I can choose to believe my emotions, or believe my husband. One choice leads to conflict. One choice leads to communication, and exchange of information that could build our relationship. 

Marriage contains many dances. Communication is just one of them. In all of these dances, though, we have choices about where we commit ourselves. Do we commit to conflict, or to our relationship? Marriage itself is a commitment. We just have to decide how much we value it. Our dance steps, in communication, and otherwise, are indicative of where our values lie.

Reference:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., & Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2022, February 8). Honey, what did you mean by...? [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/honey-what-did-you-mean-by/