Top Ten of 2020

Well, without further ado, here's the traditional year-end wrap-up post....

(My top nine from Instagram)

The top ten blog posts according to Facebook (where most viewers seem to read):

Real Life Marriage Anger 
Real Life Marriage: Things I Never Expected 
Real Life Marriage: This is Us 
Reframing our View of Money
There is enough 
Real Life Marriage: Date Your Spouse
Staycation: Quarantine Style
Masks and Me
Meaningful 
The Other Shoe 

And the top ten blog posts viewed on the actual blog:

Don't Envy My Body 
To All My Single Sisters
My Mother's Legacy
Masks and Me
Simple Summer Suppers
When My Heart Doesn't Believe
Real Life Marriage: Fair Doesn't Mean Equal
Unilateral Decisions
Real Life Marriage: Date Your Spouse
Real Life Marriage: My Identity is in Him
Staycation: Quarantine Style
Reframing our View of Money
The Best Snack Ever

Metrics aren't everything, but it seems you readers like love love, so as long as I can write about it from a place of honesty and transparency and it's beneficial, I will continue to do so.

So long, 2020, and see you in 2021!

Three Things That Got Me Through

As I reflect over this past year, I recognize many things I did wrong. Many ways I failed. Many things I could have done better. And I also see things that worked. Things that mattered. Things that gave life meaning. Among these were:

1) Sally's Baking Challenges: Something "silly" I picked up, but stubbornly managed to make my way through each month. The challenge instructions were sufficient to ensure sufficient success, and the completion of each challenge gave me a sense of confidence. The baking recipes also provided me with goodies to share with my neighbors, an "excuse" to form connections even while social distancing was the norm.

2) Hiking: I have written many times about the benefits of hiking. Hiking took on special value this spring and summer, however. At the height of the pandemic, it was one thing I could still do. Something that gave me a sense of accomplishment. Something that tired my body while helping my mind rest. An occasional way to connect with others, even if walking spaced apart and/or with masks. I started hiking more regularly when I realized the consequences to my mental health when I didn't do it. Meltdowns. More burnout. Less processing. As Abby Cannon stated in her episode of the Just the Good Stuff podcast, sometimes what we need is not more professional therapy, but more therapeutic activity (yoga for her). Hiking was that for me.

3) Blogging about marriage: Suffering is easier to endure when it has a purpose. Don't get me wrong; marriage is an incredible gift. This last year has been extremely difficult, however, in marriage and beyond. Being able to write and share about what God is teaching me has made it easier. Having people who read made my struggles feel more purposeful. And finding purpose in the struggle provided me with courage to endure.

What about you, readers? If you had to list three things you've taken away from this year, what would they be? What habits give meaning and purpose to your existence? What traditions or routines do you hope to carry from 2020 into 2021? I've listed mine above. Please share yours in the comment section below.

Three Reasons Why Happiness Is Hard

I used to think that happiness came easily, without effort. In fact, I think I defined happiness by its unwilled nature. But is that truly the case? Does happiness always come without work? I've come to believe lately that happiness is often hard. Here are three reasons why:

1) Sometimes our brains don't have what they need. Happiness requires both an activating event and a brain response. Sometimes our brains don't have what it takes to respond in a way that makes us feel happy, that is, the chemicals that happy antecedents should trigger don't come. This is why I personally believe that medication is sometimes necessary. Sometimes our brains need help to work the way that God-intended. Taking medication can have its own side effects, though. It can be hard, especially is a culture that still casts shame on mental health struggles. But the hard of medication, short- or long-term may be what is required to actually feel happy.

2) Happiness itself can bring with it feelings of guilt. In the midst of hard times, it can feel bad, even wrong to have happiness. When loved ones die, when people are in, when we are in the midst of a pandemic, happiness feels out of place. I think that's one of the reasons God gave us happiness, though, to sustain us in times of trial. It is hard to let happiness come when it feels like all we should feel is pain, but we should let it, because it may be that happiness that gets us through.

3) Fear can come in tow. It can be scary to feel happiness, because if we let ourselves have it, we acknowledge that we may soon not have it. Some of us would rather live in the expected hard than cope with the pain that comes from the ebb and flow of happiness. There isn't really a fix here, other than to acknowledge the fear and feel happy anyway. To live in fear is no way to live.

Is happiness worth it? Yes, I think it is. But happiness is also hard. I think if we acknowledged that, we might work a little more to achieve happiness, and in so doing, increase our appreciation of it.

Marriage Misnomers: Let Things Go.

The joining of two lives in marriage can cause some friction and even conflict. Some people will tell you to let things go. That's all well and good, but after I let so many things go, I start to feel bitter and resentful about what I am losing. I feel better better when I decide to give some things up. Letting go is passive. Giving up is active.

Take for instance, cooking. I would like to be good at things like bread baking and pancake flipping. I am not, and my husband is. I can try to compete with him. I can try to dissuade him from practicing his gifts. Or I can give some things up and wholeheartedly endorse the areas where he shines. Which is better for our marriage? The answer is pretty clear.

I don't have a lot of time. Sometimes my husband asks me to do things when I have other things still on my list to do. I can let go of my things and do his, but then I feel bereft. I grasp at what I left. If I willfully decide to give up what I want to do, it's gone. I have made a sacrifice for our marriage and though it may hurt, it doesn't leave behind as many hurt feelings.

I want to have the right answers. Sometimes I get defensive and argue with my husband because I want to be right. I can let go of what I think and believe whatever he says, but sometimes that feels like abandoning myself. If I give up my need to be right and instead choose to close my mouth and agree to disagree, things go better.

Letting things go? Maybe that's sometimes the answer. But in marriage, I think it's better to give things up. Giving up is active. It's intentional. It's purposeful. After all, isn't the point of marriage to give up your life to make a new life, and in that way image Christ? And isn't His giving up His life the best gift of all? He didn't let go. He willingly gave. ALL. And we should follow in His steps.

Dumpster Fire

A good friend of mine dubbed year 2020, especially this end of it, a "dumpster fire." I have to say I agree. The sociopolitical, economic, even physical climate of the world is pretty stinky right now. Crises just keep coming, getting worse, even. Merriam Webster defines dumpster fire as, "an utterly calamitous or mismanaged situation or occurrence." "Utterly" seems like an absolute word, and maybe not all of 2020 was bad. People may argue about how everything has been handled, but I am sure I could not have managed all these crises any better. So yeah, "dumpster fire" is a pretty good way to describe 2020. 

My friend and I cannot be alone in the way we feel about 2020. In searching for 2020 Christmas ornaments, my husband and I actually found a dumpster fire one. (Yes, we sent the ornament to the friend who first used the term.) It led me to research the term and think more about specific analogies between this year and the fire. A dumpster fire has a putrid stench as it burns the refuse within. Like a dumpster fire, negative news has started to make life smell pretty bad. That stench can color the whole of my day. If I want to avoid that, I have to avoid the area. Similarly, dumpster fire smoke clogs the air, making it hard to see and breathe. COVID and political stress are the same, seeming to infiltrate almost every interaction I have. These, along with other things, have made it hard for me to focus on joy and celebration. A dumpster fire is often difficult to put out because of both its location and its contents, but it's important to put out for the same reasons. And maybe that is where the analogy breaks down. I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been running around trying to put out fires for most of the year, and it's not working. I'm exhausted. I'm testy and irritable and anxious. I am starting to wonder if continuing to try to put out this dumpster fire of a year is the best idea.

Dumpster fires burn up some bad stuff. This year has had plenty: COVID, racial injustice, death, and political unrest. I've tried to remain positive, control the burn. Maybe it's time to let the year burn, because some things need to burn so we can be rid of them. Also, I am not a firefighter. As long as the fire is burning in the dumpster and the owners know, it's not mine to manage. Maybe I just need to leave the issues alone, care about the people, yet not try to put out other people's (or society's!) fires. I enough have trash to root out of my own life. Maybe I need to focus on that.

Positivity has its place, but so does sorrow and grief and even (healthy) anger. This year has held a lot of those. So feel your feelings, friends. Acknowledge the fires. Throw into the dumpster what needs to burn and then put it behind you. The year might be a dumpster fire, but life is so much greater than a year, and we need eyes to see it.

Marriage Misnomers: Holy Not Happy

 "Marriage is to make you holy, not happy." A paraphrase from Gary Thomas', I heard this time and time again leading up to marriage. I even read the book (Sacred Marriage) from which the quote was taken. But I didn't fully agree. I still don't fully agree. Marriage is hard. It has a sanctifying effect, sure, but I'm convinced it doesn't exclude happiness. Maybe I'm going out on a limb, but I'm going to say that if your marriage doesn't bring you happiness, there is a problem.

We live in the 21st century, a time and a place where we have the privilege of choosing our spouses. We choose our spouses because of attraction, because of love, because of compatibility. One of my greatest joys in life is doing life with my husband: adventuring, cooking, paying bills, even going shopping. (Yes, these same activities also bring sanctification.) I mourn for my brothers and sisters who want to experience this happiness, but have not yet been granted its gift. Marriage provides opportunities for future joy, too: in celebration, in dating, in intimacy, in laughter. The author of Proverbs realized that when he wrote, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, New International Version [NIV]). Is there hard stuff? Sure. But if the hard stuff eclipses happiness all the time, that might be a sign that your marriage is not in the right place.

Marriage accelerates growth. We need to weigh that fact, consider it, and take it to heart before we get married. When we get married, we need to be aware of the attacks that will come against our marriages. We need to work at at marriages lest they stagnate. We need to be holy because first and foremost, marriage honors God. But we must not forsake joy and happiness, because God is Joy. Happiness helps keep our marriages healthy, and healthy marriages image God.

Marriage is to make us not only happy, but also holy. Marriage is to make us not only holy, but also more joy-filled. Marriage can make us holy and happy. I think that's a better way to put it.

Real Life Marriage: Doing it All Wrong

Do you ever have times when you feel like you're doing it all wrong? Well I have been undergoing one of those epiphanies in my marriage this past year. I've been really struggling emotionally. My struggles have been amplified by the guilt I feel for subjecting my husband to the pain of "my" stuff. He has been more than gracious, but I still feel bad. As a result, I was trying to do more of my day-to-day tasks alone, and more other tasks for him to "atone" for my moods. I wasn't doing very well at it, but I was trying. And things were getting worse.

I listen to podcasts on my commutes to and from work sometimes, and one night, one comment completely halted me in my tracks. "Walking in autonomy is not only dangerous for your marriage, it is also sin. Our relationship with Christ cannot be separate from our relationship with other believers." Full stop. I was trying to "save" my marriage by being more independent, by learning to deal with my feelings alone. And I was sinning. That was not going to help my marriage.

My husband and I talk a lot about team, and after that commute home, I decided I needed to listen. My husband and I were independent for longer than we have been dependent, or perhaps better said, interdependent, as part of marriage. That means teamwork takes...work. Teamwork requires me to ask for and receive help. Teamwork requires me to actually share what is going on in my heart and mind, even I fear it may upset my husband. As he has been reminding me, my stuff is his stuff our stuff. Even when I try to go it alone, I affect us, but we are two that have become one through marriage.

I have realized, too, that trying to operate independently violates God's best for reasons beyond interdependence with my husband. When I try to operate alone, I sin by not submitting to my husband's leadership. I sin by robbing my husband of opportunities to fulfill opportunities for him to function in the role God gave Him as head of our family. Walking in autonomy is therefore not only separating me from the believer God gave me in my husband, but separating me from God's created order in the world.

I thought that I was trying to fix the wrong in my life and marriage by going it alone. I thought that it might be best for my husband and for me. That, in fact, was the wrong way to go about things. I am made for community and fellowship. I need other people to live in line with God's created order. God has given me the special blessing of doing life in unity with another person through marriage and I don't want to squander that opportunity. I've been doing it all wrong, but now that I see the right way, I hope I walk in it. 

Marriage Misnomers: There is No "I" in Team.

"There is no, 'I,' in 'team,' or so the saying goes. Team is a "we," not a "me," identity, so on the surface, this makes sense. But how do you get from, "me" to ,"we?" I'm convinced it takes time.

Team identity requires shared experiences. Team identity requires shared emotions: joy, elation, loss, hardship. Team requires joint failure and joint recovery and resilience. Team requires delegation and trust. Team requires a person to give of himself or herself.

There is no, "I" in "team," but there is an "I" in time. Time requires that I give up some of "my" things for "us" things. Time requires that I sacrifice some of what I want for what my spouses wants. Time requires that I let go and cede some of my tasks and responsibilities. Time requires that I give sacrificially of myself so that we can form a joint identity.

Time is not my primary love language. I prefer to show my love through acts of service. When it comes to forming our team identity in marriage, though, time is where it's at. The more intentional time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let "we" replace "me." The more time we spend together, the deeper our marital bond grows. The more time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let my "i"dentity become one based on unity. There is no, "I" in team, but there is an "I" in time. The more "I" give, the more, "we" get.

Celebration

Those that follow me on Instagram may have noticed something different about November. I posted every day. If you didn't catch the theme, the posts may have seemed random. And they were, but with intention. Using the National Day Calendar, I found something to celebrate every day. Silly at times? Yes! Needed? Yes! In this season of days without end, I needed something to mark my days. I also needed to flex my happiness muscles. 

I'm no brain scientist, but I do have a degree in behavioral health. In my personal and professional experience, I have realized that we need not only the chemicals in our brain to produce happiness (which is why I think that sometimes anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs are needed), but also need to have the experiences that give those good brain chemicals chances to work. I was running low on at least the latter, and I needed to change that.

I had grown weary in trying to celebrate life. I would make plans to celebrate and then let them go, giving the excuse that I was too tired and weary. Celebration just seemed like a stressor. And in a way, it was. But it was a good stress, a stress I needed to feel happy.

The early days of November came with some struggle to get to my daily celebration. I just wanted to give up, but my commitment to celebrating and posting about it kept me going. (I honestly put celebration Instagram post on my daily to-do list.) Some days were a stretch. Some days, I celebrated late, but I made it through.

Do I feel happier? No, not necessarily, but I know I gave myself a chance. I also gave myself a task to work at and complete. That alone helped my brain at least a little. Will I continue? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I need to keep working at celebration, as it does not always come easily or naturally. And does anything good come steadily and easily? I'm beginning to wonder if it does. Maybe work is part of the process of celebration.

Wanna Play?

Happy December!

In honor of this last month of 2020 (ready, already?), I made myself a type of bucket list. And since I'm in a bingo phase, I made the list in board form.

Wanna play? (Right click the photo above to open in a new tab and print.) Many of the activities are Christmas-related. Some may be more personal to me. My goal is to cross off as many squares as I can (e.g. "blackout bingo"), but feel free to play as you wish. And tag me on Facebook or Instagram if you do so I can follow along.

25 Christmas Conversation Starters

I'm trying to start a new tradition this year: doing something each day to get in the Spirit of Christmas. Time and money aren't always accessible, but we can talk about Christmas. To that extent, here are 25 questions to get you started. I plan to use these at family dinner, but please feel free to use as you see fit.

1. What is one Christmas food that is overrated?
2. Tell about a gift you were surprised to receive.
3. Tell about a time you were excited to give a gift to someone else.
4. Recall a time you were stunned by a display of Christmas lights.
5. Recount when you learned “the true meaning of Christmas.”
6. Reflect on whether or not you ever believed in Santa.
7. Retell a fond Christmas memory.
8. Have you ever experienced a white Christmas? If no, would you want to? If yes, when.
9. Tell the story of an awkward experience at a Christmas party.
10. Describe a Christmas performance you attended and enjoyed.
11. Name your least favorite Christmas song and tell why.
12. Tell your favorite Christmas carol.
13. Talk about how you have celebrated Advent in the past. If you have not celebrated, discuss how you will make room in your heart for Jesus this year.
14. Describe the Christmas trees you had in your house growing up.
15. Recall a Christmas parade you attended.
16. What Christmas treat makes you salivate?
17. When did your family open gifts, on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Describe that experience.
18. Did your family make a traditional Christmas dinner? If so, what was it?
19. What members of your extended family, if any, did you see at Christmas?
20. What is your favorite color and style of Christmas lights?
21. Describe any traditions you had around celebrating Christmas.
22. Where would you go for Christmas if you could choose anywhere?
23. Who is it important for you to talk to around the holidays?
24. Do you have any Christmas traditions with friends?
25. What was special about this Christmas?

–

What questions should I add to this list?

How are you and your family celebrating Christmas?

Please feel free to share in the comments.

Marriage Misnomers: Love is Blind.

"Love is blind," the old saying goes. But is it? People warned me against blind love when I was dating, saying I wanted to see the person for who they were, faults, flaws and all before marriage. That way I'd know what I was getting into. The intoxicating effects of love could have a "rose-colored glasses" effect, people said, so "Wise up; see things clearly," they advised. I thought I did that. I saw my husband as he was. I accepted him. What I didn't see was me.

I brought plenty of my own baggage to marriage: my fears, my perfectionism, my white-knuckle grip on my routine. I expected these things to continue to plague me. What I didn't expect was how they would affect my relationship with my husband. My husband is more of a laid-back, easy-going, lighthearted person. Very little troubles him deeply. I, on the other hand, am troubled by much, and often. I knew my husband was different when we were dating. I appreciated it even. I didn't expect (or want) him to change. I didn't know, however, how hard it would be for me to have my own weaknesses exposed in marriage. I was blind to myself.

I was blind to how deeply entrenched my own negative beliefs about myself and the world were. I was blind to my selfishness and self-centeredness. I was blind to how my need to control could drive my husband and I apart. I was blind to my deep-seeded self love. I didn't realize how hard it would be to selflessly love another. I truly didn't see.

Over one year into marriage, I'm here to tell you that love is blind, but not in the way society suggests. Love and its accompanying cascade of feel good hormones, does make you blind, blind to yourself. Love makes you think your own flaws will go away. Love makes you think you can be selfless without it costing too much. Love builds you up and makes you think you have superhuman power to do anything and everything. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. True love, the kind of self-giving love that makes marriage work, is very, very hard. So hard that it requires superhuman power. 

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16, New International Version [NIV]). That is not a blind love. That is an eyes-wide open, eyes fixed only Jesus kind of love. That is a self-sacrificing, self-abasing, deal with the log in your eye and not the speck in theirs kind of love. That is an all-seeing love, not a blind love, and the only kind of love that will last eternally. May God give us eyes to see.

Pre- and Post-Feast

Thanksgiving definitely feels different this year. We're living through a global pandemic. Many states have limited how, why, and where people can gather. Loved ones can't travel. Different foods are and aren't on the table, or in stores. It's sad, and yet there is still so much to celebrate. I've been looking forward to a small celebration with loved ones this year. Whether or not it will happen remains to be seen, but for now, I'm still preparing.

Pre-Feast:

Thawing our turkey: These calculators made, well, calculations, so much easier!

Relish: Seen in the photo above, I made this recipe on Sunday so that the flavors had a few days to meld.

BINGO: I made this card based on inspiration from my dear friend and A Cup of Jo.

I like lists, and this is just another way to keep one, to celebrate what we have and count our blessings, which are still many. I plan to use the card as a place setting. Silly and simple, it fits what I feel I could use more of this year.

For the feast itself, here's our proposed menu (which, as previously stated, remains up in the air at this time):

Post-Feast:

I'm already eyeing leftover recipes, especially these creative spins on what can become boring leftovers:

Thanksgiving leftovers eggs benedict (The Endless Meal)

Thanksgiving leftover enchiladas (Tasty)

Thanksgiving leftovers lasagna (My Recipes)

Thanksgiving leftovers quesadilla (The Cookie Rookie) 

Turkey gumbo (LA Times)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. However you may celebrate, pre-, post-, or not-at-all, I hope you give thanks and celebrate your blessings, because there always are some.

Marriage Misnomers: Happy Wife, Happy Life

"Happy wife, happy life." It's a saying I've heard too many times to count. To some extent, it's true. And it goes right along with the family version of the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Emotions do have a way of bleeding over. When one person is sad, or mad, or happy, others often join. But in marriage, is this true? Yes, and No.

The Bible says that marriage makes two people one flesh. One flesh has one brain, which connotes one set of emotions. So in the sense that marriage people share life and love together, they share feelings. So if the wife is happy, the husband should be happy, too. Right? Well in theory, yes, but in practice, no.

There are many times that I am happy and my husband is not. For example, I may have a good day at work while he has a bad one. When we convene at the dinner table, our emotions differ in response to our circumstances. My happiness can't fix what happened to him. They might make him happy for me, but not make him actually happy for himself. Similarly, if he makes a ground-breaking achievement at work while I get called in to talk to my boss, he may be happy and I may not be. As a result, our life together may not be as happy as either one of us would wish it.

"Happy wife, happy life" is usually aimed at a husband, inferring that if he can make his life happier if he makes his wife happy. That places a lot of burden on the husband. That infers that the husband actually have power to make their wife happy. That just isn't true. Sometimes the wife just isn't happy. It's that time of the month. Her friends have been mean. She has had a bad day at work. She is sad, scared, lonely, hungry, angry. A husband can help his wife process. He can try to cheer up his wife. He can love his wife. That might lead to more happiness, but he can't make her happy.

There is a second part to the saying, too: "Happy life." This is the conclusion that a wife is happy, the husband will have a happy life. Husbands have more going on than marriage. They have hard days, too. No matter how much a wife may do for or with them, sometimes they are just unhappy and that is part of life.

"Happy wife, happy life?" No. Happiness is more than just one spouse. And life is more than happiness. Joy-filled marriage, joy-filled life? That might be more like it.

Entering the Social Foray

I'm going to enter the social foray for a moment. I may regret it, but the issue at hand is important enough to me to worth the risk. If you disagree, feel free to engage in healthy debate with me. I will discuss, but not argue. And I will not shame. As Brene Brown says, shame is never a good motivator.

With that being said, what I want to discuss is the saying, "God is still on the throne," or better yet, "God is still sovereign." I've seen some posts lately stating that this phrase can be associated with oppression. The argument is that the phrase denotes lack of action by God during horrific world events such as pestilence, famine, plague, and annihilation. If God is still on the throne, why doesn't He act? This philosophical question of why God allows suffering has been around for ages, and I'm not here to answer it. I am here to say that I believe in the truth that God is sovereign and I think we should still say it.

Some argue that instead of saying, "God is is still on the throne," we should say, "God is with us." I can agree with that statement. God is with us, dwelling on earth through the gracious deposit of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of believers. But to say, "God is with us," and not say, "God is still on the throne," I believe, is lacking in theological strength.

God is still on the throne. Scripture says so:

"The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them. He rebukes them in his anger and terrifies them in his wrath, saying, 'I have installed my king on Zion, my holy mountain'” (Ps 2:4-6, New International Version [NIV]).

"He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in" (Isaiah 40:22).

"But about the Son he says, “Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever; a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom" (Heb 1:8).

God is sovereign. His plans are higher than ours (Isa 55:8-11). He works all things together for our good (Rom 8:28). The circumstances of our lives may not feel good, but God is good, and he can use all things to bring Him glory.

But is the truth that God is sovereign sufficient theology? I argue that it is not. God is also with us. Jesus came to earth as "Immanuel," which means "God with us" (Matt 1:23). And He is coming back (1 Thess 4:16-17)! So it is right to say that God is with us. Let's add this to, "God is still on the throne."

If Jesus came to earth as a baby and ascended after his death and resurrection, though, is God still with us? Yes! God indwells believers through the Holy Spirit (John 14:16). He is a "deposit guaranteeing our inheritance" (Eph 1:14). God is not just sovereign, not just with us, but also in and among us! How cool is that?

God is still on the throne. God is with us. God is in us. The three go together. To make any one statement without the other denies the triune nature of God. And that borders on heresy. That is a problem.

So if you see statements about God being on the throne and you disagree, I encourage you to add an, "and still with us," "and still in us" rather than recommend erasure. Cancel culture gets us nowhere. Good theology? That's a start. For with good theology comes Christlike action, God-imaging, and Holy Spirit inspired movements. The world needs more of those.

*Thank you to my husband for his input into and review of this post.

Marriage Misnomers: Your Spouse is Your Best Friend.

I am starting a new blog series this Monday on marriage misnomers. In addition to my monthly real life marriage series, I want to share about some commonly made statements that I haven't found to be true. I hope this series will be helpful to both married and unmarried readers.

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I've seen many people ooh and aah about marrying their "best friend." I wasn't one of them. When I got married, I had best friends and did not want to replace them.  My husband was my friend, but not my best friend. We'd spent time together, but we weren't joined at the hip, constantly together, or even telepathic like some of my best friends. We'd just spent enough time together to know we didn't want to be apart. I married my husband because I loved him, well, like a lover. 

After a year and counting of marriage, I still love my husband. I am still attracted to him physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise. Over time, though, our initial attraction has grown into something more. The warm fuzzies and giddiness have grown into a steady sense of commitment and family. We're becoming better friends, and maybe best friends. Dare I say that maybe marriage is a best friend making process?

Marriage results in lots of time spent together. Marriage is an accumulation of many shared experiences. Marriage is living and learning...a lot. Marriage is having fun and laughing together. Marriage is experiencing hardship and crying together. If it takes 200 hours to make a best friend and you haven't spent that much time together before marriage, marriage provides the fertile ground of time for making a forever best friend.

Some people say they marry their best friend. I say that your spouse becomes your best friend. Marriage is a best friend making process. While I still have best friends, my husband is slowly eclipsing them all, and that's the way it should be...for better or for worse.

Apple Recipe Round-Up

You know I like a good recipe roundup. And you know I like pumpkin. But when the initial pumpkin shortage tempered my normal fall baking pattern, I knew I had to find a new theme. Enter apples. They're a fall frivolity and one I often fail to showcase, despite how much I enjoy them. Enter the apple recipe a week for fall challenge. Below are just a few of the fruits of my labor:

Apple cinnamon buttermilk quick bread (The Kitchn)

Apple stuffed baked oatmeal (inspired by this recipe)

Apple cider granola (Allison Day/Yummy Beet)

Apple pie overnight oats (Budget Bytes)

Apple peanut butter baked oatmeal 

Baked apple cider donuts (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Chocolate turmeric applesauce baked oatmeal

Feel free to share any of your favorite apple recipes in the comments section. It's still apple season!

Real Life Marriage: Anger

(Photo by Roberta Pommert)

I have never considered myself an angry person, at least not a regularly angry person. Until this second year of marriage. And man, I have been angry. Not the yelling, throwing things, cursing kind of angry, but the quiet, brooding, cry-my-eyes-out, "I'm so frustrated, I can't stand it," kind of anger. I find myself wanting to express anger towards my husband more often than not, but each time, the Spirit convicts me that I am not really angry at him. No, I am angry about other things. 

I am angry about unmet expectations. I had expectations that marriage would give my husband and I more time to spend together. I had expectations we'd still go on dates and have fun. We do have fun, but many of our meals these days turn into business meetings. We spend the time we're not at work doing chores around the house. Planning date nights is work. I don't want it to be this way. 

I am angry at myself. I thought I would have energy to work and do all the things a "good" wife should. Work alone exhausts me.  I expected I would have more tolerance for little irritations. No. My tolerance is low. I want to fix bad days for my husband and make him feel better when he is sick. I can't. My inability to help makes me angry, too. No, I'm not angry at at my husband. I'm angry at life. And if I am angry at life, I am angry at God. Dangerous territory.

I got really angry the other night because I did all of my husband and I's chores and had time to make dinner. I was so proud of myself and hoped we could at least spend a little bit of time after dinner: talking or watching our favorite show or something. My husband had to work late, though, so I ate dinner alone. He had more work after he got home, so we only talked enough to get him dinner and back on his computer. I recognized that the situation wasn't his fault, but I still felt so upset. I was quiet. Then I brooded. Then I got sad. In the end, I realized that my anger was trying to tell me something. My anger was trying to tell me how much I cared.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I am not indifferent towards my husband! I love him very much. I want to spend time with him. I want our marriage to be what God intends in to be, to reflect Christ and the church. And it's so stinking hard. That's why I get angry. Because it shouldn't be this way. And that feeling is accurate. We were designed for perfection, for perfect unity with God and with each other. Righteous anger shows me that that unity doesn't exist, at least not here and now on this earth. 

I get angry. I'll probably keep getting angry. But I hope the Holy Spirit will keep convicting me. I hope God will keep using marriage to hone me more and more into his image. Instead of getting angry at my husband, myself, or others, I hope I get angry at sin. I hope I get angry at my selfishness. I hope I get angry at my pride. I hope I pray for my heart, for my husband's heart, for our marriage. I hope I confess and repent and turn from sin more and more to Jesus. He got angry, too, but he had righteous anger. That's the kind of anger I want.

Breathe.

Yep. We might all need this one today. Because whether our candidate got elected or not, the world is a scary place. Let's be real. It was scary before this. COVID, anyone? So here's a simple piece of advice: Breathe. Yeah, it seems basic, but we really need to do it.

One day recently, I got really overwhelmed. My thoughts were racing. My body was spastic. I was rushed and in a hurry. I went for a walk and literally had to focus on my breath and tune out everything else. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Listen to the sounds of air coming in and out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It made a surprising difference.

Other ways to breathe? 

The hand breath

The belly breath

Meditation

You do you. Find your way and do it. Just breathe. Life may be stressful, but nothing can take away your breath, at least until God says it can. So use your body. Serve your body. 

BREATHE!

World Weary

I'm so tired. Tired of the rhetoric. Tired of the unsolicited text messages. Tired of the stacks of political mail that goes straight from the mailbox to the trash can. Tired of the harassing and the haranguing. Tired of the guilt tripping. Tired of the smoke and mirrors on one side and the loud, brazen brashness and disrespect on the other. Tired of the honking, flag-flying cars and trucks driving through downtown. Tired of the overall lack of civility. 

It seems most people feel like the world will end if their candidate doesn't win tomorrow. But you know what? It won't. The world is going to end, but not as a result of an election. The Bible says the earth is all going to burn. But only when when God is good and ready. Only He knows when that will be. So in the meantime, can we work on our world? Can we look for the good instead of the bad? Can we see people as people and now our enemies? We're humans, not just voters.

I have seen good lately: in the well-dressed woman who got off her bike to get a water bottle out of her saddle bags and give it to a homeless person. In the neighbors who brought us a six pack of gourmet cupcakes. In the city's food drive. In the wrap-around care given to grieving parents. In unsolicited cards of encouragement from friends. I have no idea how most of these people voted. I don't really care to know. Life is a lot more than politics.

I'm so tired, tired of the world we live in. But what if instead of tiring ourselves with the news, with what we dislike we tired ourselves with doing good? What if we tired ourselves texting our friends to say we care? What if we overloaded the postal service with notes of encouragement? What if we spurred one another on towards love and good works? What if we took to the streets to tell people they are loved? What if we considered our neighbors as better than ourselves? What if we grew weary of doing good instead of weary of the world? That, my friends, might actually make a difference.No president or elected official can truly change our world. Only we, with God's help, can do that.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

~Galatians 6:9

I AM

Do you ever think about the way you talk about yourself?

I am tired.

I am lonely.

I am scared.

--

I am confident.

I am able.

I am energized.

--

I am unable.

I am [my diagnosis].

I am what they say.

--

I am supported.

I am loved.

I am in community.

--

Which words give you energy? Which words sap your strength? Which words cause you to reach out to others? Which words lead you to self-pity? Worth thinking about....

--

On the flip side, have you ever studied how God talks about Himself?

"I am the bread of life" (John 6:48)

"I am the light of the world" (John 8:12).

"I am the gate for the sheep" (John 10:7).

"I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11).

"I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25).

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6).

"I am the vine; you are the branches" (John 15:5).

"I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades" (Revelation 1:18).

"I am making everything new" (Revelation 21:5).

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End" (Revelation 22:13).

"I am coming soon" (Revelation 22:20)

--

Jesus also says things like, "I am thirsty" (John 19:28). Most of the time, though, when He said, "I am," He was talking about His enduring character, His enduring nature as God. He talked in present tense, about who He was, about what he could do. Could we learn from this? What we are is because of what the eternal I AM made us. What we can do, what I am is because of I AM.

--

If He is the bread, I am energized.

If He is the light, I am light.

If He is the gate, I am on a path.

If He is the Shepherd, I am directed.

If He is the resurrection, I am eternal.

If He is the truth, I am true.

If He is the vine, I am able in His strength.

If He is the life, I am living.

If He is Creator, I am creative.

If He is eternal, I have purpose.

If He is coming soon, I am living with hope.

--

I AM because of I AM!

--

*This post was inspired by Ashley LeMieux's "I Am" podcast.

Celebrating National Pumpkin Day

Yeah, I have a thing with pumpkin. I don't remember exactly how it started, but I seem to remember it starting with a roommate's scrumptious pumpkin chocolate chip muffins one fall long ago. Sometime after, I started buying pumpkin, lots of it. I like to see it as a pantry staple. Or maybe it's just a sanity staple because I like it so much.... 

Normally October is my pumpkin month and my recipe round-up comes November 1st. But I just realized that today, October 26th is NATIONAL PUMPKIN DAY! Cue all the pumpkin stuff now!

Pumpkin carving

Pumpkin coincidences

Pumpkin commitments

Gratitude pumpkins (Coffee and Carpool)

Pumpkin cozies

(Okie Girl Bling 'N Things pattern)

Pumpkin couple dates

And yeah, the recipes, albeit a few less this year due to the (not) pumpkin shortage:

Easy pumpkin chili (Erin Lives Whole) and whole wheat pumpkin cornbread (The Baker Mama)

Flourless pumpkin pancake (Kim's Cravings)

Pumpkin nice cream (Running in a Skirt)

Spiced pumpkin vinaigrette (Daring Gourmet)

Plus a few of my own creations:

Pumpkin hot chocolate

Chocolate apple pumpkin peanut butter baked oatmeal



Chocolate pumpkin protein overnight oatmeal

Cocoa pumpkin baked oatmeal

Any other pumpkin lovers out there? Please share your favorites with pumpkin in the comments section!